ThatJustHappened Posted January 20, 2013 Posted January 20, 2013 I posted this in my other thread as well..but I think it merits it's own thread. Do our exes have a 6th sense about when we're starting to really move on and be happy? It kind of seems like they do. Mine texted me yesterday to ask my opinion on a shirt he was thinking of buying (I always shopped with him and helped him choose his clothes..we always had a lot of fun shopping together). The text came in while I was getting ready for my date (which went very well..I'm seeing him again today!). I didn't answer..I've tried to block his number but you can't block iMessages, only texts. He also did something really nice for me last week..he recommended me for a job he knew I would love (not at his company..it would have nothing to do with him, he just knows the HR person there) and they called me in for an interview next week. I'm taking the interview because it really is a fantastic opportunity. If I get it, I'll send him a thank you card..but a very formal one..and a snail mail card so he can't respond. How do they know when we're starting to move on? How do they know when we start to be happy without them? He doesn't want me..he's made that abundantly clear numerous times. He keeps telling me he wants me to move on..he doesn't want me to have feelings for him anymore because we can NEVER be together. So why do this?
Sydney1985 Posted January 20, 2013 Posted January 20, 2013 This sounds ridiculously similar to my mates situation. After a 4 year relationship and having numerous fights she broke up with him. She made it very clear to him that there was no way back. The guy was devastated and after 6 months of NC he's finally managed to move on. He met a new girl through mutual friends on their first date he received a text from his ex - "I miss you". He never replied to that message. The life is extremely unpredictable, crazy and at times tremendously unfair. However as long as we learn the right lessons, stay strong and improve as people, life can also be the most beautiful thing on earth. It's all in our hands. 1
carhill Posted January 20, 2013 Posted January 20, 2013 IMO, it's more likely a pattern from a lot of experience with intimate relationships; essentially, identifying particular patterns of action/reaction and creating a formula from those. The greater the number of datapoints, the more accurate the formula can be. In some ways, humans can be predictable. If such a 6th sense is the case, I must be outlier because I've never had such a sense, no matter how deeply in love or attached. Once we're done, erased. If not done, no rhyme or reason, just actions operating on processed emotions. Not done has only happened in one instance so poor sample. 1
na49 Posted January 20, 2013 Posted January 20, 2013 I feel like they do. Before I blocked my exes number, she always texted me when I wasn't expecting her to. When I was perfectly content without her was the only time I heard from her. 1
Author ThatJustHappened Posted January 20, 2013 Author Posted January 20, 2013 IMO, it's more likely a pattern from a lot of experience with intimate relationships; essentially, identifying particular patterns of action/reaction and creating a formula from those. The greater the number of datapoints, the more accurate the formula can be. In some ways, humans can be predictable. If such a 6th sense is the case, I must be outlier because I've never had such a sense, no matter how deeply in love or attached. Once we're done, erased. If not done, no rhyme or reason, just actions operating on processed emotions. Not done has only happened in one instance so poor sample. But what's the point? What is he hoping to do or gain by contacting me like that? Or by helping me? HE dumped ME. He has told me time and time again that we can NEVER get back together, that things would NEVER work with us. He's even on Match.com! So why? I know it's just an opinion on a shirt but it's something we used to do enjoy doing together and it brought back memories..and then the job thing. Why do this? I'll admit that it did get to me. I'm not doing anything about it and I won't respond to him, but it still affected me..I'm only human.
Author ThatJustHappened Posted January 20, 2013 Author Posted January 20, 2013 I feel like they do. Before I blocked my exes number, she always texted me when I wasn't expecting her to. When I was perfectly content without her was the only time I heard from her. I did block his number but he can still iMessage me..there's no way to block that..I've tried, believe me. What is the point of them contacting us?
na49 Posted January 20, 2013 Posted January 20, 2013 I did block his number but he can still iMessage me..there's no way to block that..I've tried, believe me. What is the point of them contacting us? I don't know your story, but my ex cheated on me. Then she starts texting me after I'd gone NC for a while. First it's "hi" then it's "we need to talk" then it's "I know we ended on bad terms, but I'd like to be friends" then it's "I miss you and really want to talk to you" I have no idea what any of that means. If it isn't getting back together or reconciliation, I want no part of it. She's never apologized, probably because in her head she's done nothing wrong. The point? Possibly feeling guilty? Want to make sure we don't hate them? See if we've moved on/are over them? Fishing for an ego boost? I've got no idea really. I wish I knew what my ex meant by those texts, but I guess I'll never find out now. 2
carhill Posted January 20, 2013 Posted January 20, 2013 But what's the point? What is he hoping to do or gain by contacting me like that? Or by helping me? HE dumped ME. He has told me time and time again that we can NEVER get back together, that things would NEVER work with us. To keep his name, his image and your memory of your R in front of your face and in your mind, even more so since he dumped you, both for ego reasons and as a potential fallback. The more practiced, the more it seems like a 6th sense. If/when you respond, he likes that he still has that hold on you. It feels good. Powerful. If you don't, the message costs little to nothing and the impact potential far exceeds that cost. It's a calculation. That's one potential of many. I've seen it enough to put it out there first. If he comes knocking on your door with a sincere and proactive desire to work things out, then my first potential may be wrong. Lastly, if assigning no motives to his actions and words, he simply may have moved on emotionally to a neutral state and sees you simply in the same way you see any man you would never have a relationship with. He may still 'like' you and acknowledge your positive points but the romance and attraction are departed. I'm sure you've felt this way, where there's nothing 'there'. Perhaps that's how he feels. His contacts may be completely random, like they would be with any other friend. If so, at minimum, he should be respectful of your feelings. If he's not, that's on him.
bluefairy812 Posted January 20, 2013 Posted January 20, 2013 I did block his number but he can still iMessage me..there's no way to block that..I've tried, believe me. What is the point of them contacting us? maybe he wants you as a "FRIEND" in his life. so ridick. my ex after 4 years has said the same. doesn't see me in his love life whatsoever... made it crystal clear we are not meant to be. lol. only as a friend and has compared our relationship to his parents.. friends forever! maybe eventually u can be friends but not now.... its hard. have u thought of changing your #?
Author ThatJustHappened Posted January 20, 2013 Author Posted January 20, 2013 To keep his name, his image and your memory of your R in front of your face and in your mind, even more so since he dumped you, both for ego reasons and as a potential fallback. The more practiced, the more it seems like a 6th sense. If/when you respond, he likes that he still has that hold on you. It feels good. Powerful. If you don't, the message costs little to nothing and the impact potential far exceeds that cost. It's a calculation. That's one potential of many. I've seen it enough to put it out there first. If he comes knocking on your door with a sincere and proactive desire to work things out, then my first potential may be wrong. Lastly, if assigning no motives to his actions and words, he simply may have moved on emotionally to a neutral state and sees you simply in the same way you see any man you would never have a relationship with. He may still 'like' you and acknowledge your positive points but the romance and attraction are departed. I'm sure you've felt this way, where there's nothing 'there'. Perhaps that's how he feels. His contacts may be completely random, like they would be with any other friend. If so, at minimum, he should be respectful of your feelings. If he's not, that's on him. Oh it's not random. Up until last week we were still texting occasionally. He's the one who keeps insisting that we can't be friends. Honestly, up until last week I still thought there was a chance we could get back together. Then I saw his profile on Match.com (accidentally..he was matched with me, ironically enough) and I asked him about it and he said that we could NEVER be together, and I took that at face value. I was already pretty far along in the healing process..I'd have moments of freaking out but for the most part, I'm fine. That's why this is all so confusing. He told me 2 weeks ago that he still loves me and cares about me..but he's the one who dumped me, he's the one who said no to being together, and he's the one who said no to being friends when I still wanted to. I also like this other guy..it's like my ex could feel my attraction for someone else and needed to butt in and try to wreck it. Grr!
Author ThatJustHappened Posted January 20, 2013 Author Posted January 20, 2013 maybe he wants you as a "FRIEND" in his life. so ridick. my ex after 4 years has said the same. doesn't see me in his love life whatsoever... made it crystal clear we are not meant to be. lol. only as a friend and has compared our relationship to his parents.. friends forever! maybe eventually u can be friends but not now.... its hard. have u thought of changing your #? I tried to just be friends. He said no. He's the one who thinks it would be too hard. I can't change my number..I use it for work too much. Plus I've had this number for 10 years..I'm kind of attached to it. Ugh..I'm sorry about your ex. They all suck!
dreamingoftigers Posted January 20, 2013 Posted January 20, 2013 LOTS of people on here post about getting the contact RIGHT AFTER they've let go of the ex. During my H's and I separation, same thing. When I emotionally dropped all of the cards, prepared to move on and live....he started contacting me.
Author ThatJustHappened Posted January 20, 2013 Author Posted January 20, 2013 LOTS of people on here post about getting the contact RIGHT AFTER they've let go of the ex. During my H's and I separation, same thing. When I emotionally dropped all of the cards, prepared to move on and live....he started contacting me. WHY??? Lol Why do they do it? Is it JUST an ego thing? Are they all really that selfish that they can't let us move on? What did you do?
NoMoreJerks Posted January 20, 2013 Posted January 20, 2013 I am wondering if ex'es delete your number after they send you a breadcrumb and you ignore it? Or they keep it with the hope that in the future, you might respond, if they decide to text you? Hm. Mine texted me right when I was feeling really good... I ignored it.. now I'm wondering if he just gave up and deleted my # because he figures it's a lost cause, or if he will keep it "just in case" he is too desperate?
NoMoreJerks Posted January 20, 2013 Posted January 20, 2013 WHY??? Lol Why do they do it? Is it JUST an ego thing? Are they all really that selfish that they can't let us move on? Yes and yes. Mine was definitely selfish... and the funny thing is : he told me *I* was selfish.... He then said: "think about my life for a second", after breaking up with me... I said, ok, I am, that's why I will accept this break up and move on... I went NC right after that... now, it seems he thinks I'm being too selfish by not contacting him... lol! Because I somehow owe him something? I mean, to me, he is "somebody that I used to know", why would he feel entitled to ANYTHING from me?
Eddie Edirol Posted January 20, 2013 Posted January 20, 2013 They dont have a sixth sense, they just notice you dont contact them anymore, or as much, and they get curious to see if they can still bait you, or maybe they just want to see youre ok in general.
Hopeful714 Posted January 20, 2013 Posted January 20, 2013 I wonder if anyone when they get this contact has actually come forward and asked "why are you contacting me since we are no longer together?" and if they ever got an actual response that made any sense.
Author ThatJustHappened Posted January 20, 2013 Author Posted January 20, 2013 I have. Not with this guy but with the last one. He said he missed having me in his life. I told him he shouldn't have jerked me around..and then he got mad and stopped texting for a while. He still tries occasionally but I just ignore him.
cavalier99 Posted January 20, 2013 Posted January 20, 2013 I wonder if anyone when they get this contact has actually come forward and asked "why are you contacting me since we are no longer together?" and if they ever got an actual response that made any sense. Seems like because they were the ones to leave they have very little trauma and have no problem being friends. We are so traumatized by this whole ordeal and months upon month of recovery and completely eradicating from our lives... it makes it almost impossible for us to be friends even after we are indifferent. Any potential friendship is the casualty of our war to get over them. How can we be friends after trying to avoid anything to do with them. It is a very strange dynamic.
tuxedo cat Posted January 21, 2013 Posted January 21, 2013 My ex is the opposite -- he seems to have a sixth sense for when I'm missing him, and strangely enough I have a sixth sense for when he'll contact me. Each time I had a feeling he would contact me he did within hours. 1
Hopeful714 Posted January 21, 2013 Posted January 21, 2013 Hi Cav! So is what you are saying then is the one who can't be friends (dumper/dumpee...or both) was the one(s) really hurt and went through major trauma? So, if your not getting the crumbs.... you don't know if the other person has just moved on, or is hurting really and trying to get over you. This has me wondering. Was I dumped or am I the dumpee? I considered myself the dumper because I stopped the contact after the cheating, yet he was still calling. He finally stopped. Maybe he knew it was pointless?....how can I go back to a cheat?...You don't. Anyhow my ex could be hurting then because I left ....and he doesn't make contact because he thinks I dumped him? And he figures I don't want him?...which I do...but I know it wouldn't work? Is this possible? This could be an ah-ha moment..lol.
cavalier99 Posted January 21, 2013 Posted January 21, 2013 Hi Cav! So is what you are saying then is the one who can't be friends (dumper/dumpee...or both) was the one(s) really hurt and went through major trauma? So, if your not getting the crumbs.... you don't know if the other person has just moved on, or is hurting really and trying to get over you. This has me wondering. Was I dumped or am I the dumpee? I considered myself the dumper because I stopped the contact after the cheating, yet he was still calling. He finally stopped. Maybe he knew it was pointless?....how can I go back to a cheat?...You don't. Anyhow my ex could be hurting then because I left ....and he doesn't make contact because he thinks I dumped him? And he figures I don't want him?...which I do...but I know it wouldn't work? Is this possible? This could be an ah-ha moment..lol. Well your situation seems somewhat confusing. When you dumped him did he want to stay with you ecetera? or did you feel he was moving on anyway and only a matter of time before you got dumped and you just preempted him and beat him to it? Either way you are hurting so i would guess friendship is probably out of the question down the road especially considering he cheated. The fact that he might..i repeat ...might be hurting is irrelevant in your case. Don't use what i said as an excuse to get some hope. Hope will kill you. It is over..he cheated. End of story..no aha moment ok?
cavalier99 Posted January 21, 2013 Posted January 21, 2013 I would say the dumpee cant be friends...or the person who feels like the dumpee..even of they were the dumper because of cheating ecetera. Now if things ended suddenly for both of you because of cheating i would guess it could be equally painful for both parties especially if the cheater didn't have an emotional attachment to the OW and it was just sex. Irregardless it looks like friendship in this scenario would be difficult for either party. I was discussing a more traditional scenario where the dumper had time to make a decision to leave and withdraw emotionally while in the relationship. Hmm i just read what i wrote...Did any of that make sense? Im confused
Hopeful714 Posted January 21, 2013 Posted January 21, 2013 Its all good...no friendship for me.... and no hope either...its over. It is kinda confusing. I think he really liked me and cared (told me so) but has big issues and is an attention whore. Cant be a one woman man. Pig. The night when I finally confronted him and there was a big fight ...he actually hugged me and said "are we going to tough through this?" I was in shock!...and like I said he kept calling after that like nothing happened and nothing was wrong. Even tried to see me the following weekend with out even talking about what happened. Crazy. I think he really wanted to have me (or someone) as the "girlfriend" so he looks "normal" but go f**k others when the opportunity arose. Ya know a serial cheat like Tiger Woods, Jesse James. Feels entitled to cheat. I've heard he's done this to previous gf's as well. And always got choked up when they left. 1st class dirt bag. Needs a doormat if he wants a long term relationship to last.
cavalier99 Posted January 21, 2013 Posted January 21, 2013 Well who knows he probably loved you in his mind..even though he was a serial cheater. Onto the next one for you! He is history ...glad your doing ok. I like your post by the way.
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