rubie Posted August 23, 2004 Posted August 23, 2004 I feel like I have just been played. Maybe. Not sure yet. Um I don't know how to go about explaining this but I will to the best of my ability (or lack there of). I have been talking to this guy for nearly two months, and things seemed to be going rather well - Almost suprisingly so. He called me everyday just to see what I was up to, he'd come by my work and say hello, leave little [silly] notes on my truck windshield, leave voicemails when he knew I couldn't answer my phone, and just generally, it was nice. We have made a point to see each other whenever we have any free time [i'm in college full time and I work, and he works way beyond full time.] So, our time has been limited to whenever we can grab a bite to eat before work or when he can come over after we're both done with work for the day and he can stay the night at my place before we both go our seperate ways in the morning. It's been working well for both of us, I presume, becuase we definately enjoy each other's company. I understand that he is busy and so am I. Up until the other day (Friday night) things were great. Friday, things got better. He stayed the night and we slept together (we have done so previously but never when he could actullay stay the night afterwards). It was great. We just cuddled and kissed and there was morning sex involved etc, you know that sort of thing. I wont bore you with inane details. Saturday, he had to go to work around noon and I had to be at work at one, so we parted ways and planned on speaking later in the day. Keep in mind, we have spoken everyday for the past month. I paged him around 8 and he called me at maybe 8:15, we talked for about 5 minutes and he told me that he may be getting custody of his two children. He also said with a disheartening tone, "this is gonna take about all of my free time." I understand this. I hope for his sake and the kids' that he gets custody of them. But his terms are so vague, does this mean he was wanting to break off this un-official thing he has with me? He said he would call me yesterday (Sunday) and he never did. I paged him and no call back, yet. Still waiting. Wondering if I should even bother. Ugh. I just feel sort of stupid, which is not like me in most cases.
moimeme Posted August 23, 2004 Posted August 23, 2004 You are jumping the gun. He's got a lot to deal with and may have been too busy to call you. If his kids are about to turn up in his home, he'll likely have to get the place ready. You will have to understand that his kids have to come first and that may mean you spend less time together. It depends how old they are - he may want you involved with them, in which case you can do things all together, or he may be leery of introducing them to someone if the relationship is still in its early stages. But he just missed one phone call. Chill and wait to see what happens from here on, bearing the above in mind.
Mr Spock Posted August 23, 2004 Posted August 23, 2004 He doesn't SOUND like a member of the Find em, F*ck em, Forget em club-he may be nervous about the new added element to your relationship (sleepovers) simply because he's got two children and perhaps a bad taste in his mouth from a previous relationship? That's the problem with these unofficial things (I am a master of it) BECAUSE it's unofficial you never feel like you have the right to hurt or complain except that you still DO hurt. Make it official either way, save your feelings.
Author rubie Posted August 24, 2004 Author Posted August 24, 2004 Originally posted by Mr Spock That's the problem with these unofficial things (I am a master of it) BECAUSE it's unofficial you never feel like you have the right to hurt or complain except that you still DO hurt. Make it official either way, save your feelings. God almighty I want to do that so badly! I just want to sit him down and be like "SO HI HOWAREYA ARE WE A COUPLE OR ARE WE JUST SLEEPING TOGETHER? WHERE IS THIS GOING? OKAY THANKYOUBYE." Ugh but it sucks becuase I feel like it may push him away. I don't want to jump the gun and assume too much. I totally undertsand that his kids need to be first. I don't want him to put me before them because that would show that he is a sucky parent. Ugh. The oldest is four years old and the baby is 9 months old, so maybe that is why he doesn't want me around them, since they are so young. I don't know. Anyway, I was not mad that he didn't call, it just seemed odd to me that someone would sleep with you one day and nearly avoid you for the next two. He did call today and he is out of town. Randomly so - his job is just like that. Furthermore, he lives with a bunch of other guys his age (they all rent a house) and he doesn't want his kids to be there which means he will have to move somewhere else. I guess I am just really confused becuase I don't want to commit myself to a 'maybe' situation. What if I deny myself the chance with something more certain? However, if this could in fact be a stable thing, I would go for it in an instant.
Mr Spock Posted August 24, 2004 Posted August 24, 2004 It's the sh*ts how one gets stuck in that "unofficial" position-he doesn't say anything and you like him so much you don't pressure him, but it just sets yourself up to be hurt. I'm not sure what to do. I've never had any luck getting an "unoffical" validated. Sad, but true. Sitting down to talk I think will only make him nervous. Have you tried being less available? I know it's hard when he keeps you on the hook like that, meteing out contact like liver treats to a dog, but it may help in terms of him pursuing you. Make other plans, let HIM scramble to be a part of your life for a while.
Author rubie Posted August 24, 2004 Author Posted August 24, 2004 I can give good advice to anyone but when it comes to heeding it, I suck. If I were someone else, I would have given myself the bit you just gave me. Thanks. I have not made an effort to call him all day. He called me. I will wait for him to call again. I have never had any luck with the unoffical thing either. It always goes to crap after a while, before it can become offical. Or so it seems... I was hoping this would be different but who's to say? I just know that I would rather know one way or another rather than waiting it out and wasting time, if it were to, say, fall through? Anyway, MR SPOCK, thanks for responding to my post. This forum is rather slow at times when it comes to replies. I guess I am just used to my other forums which are so freakin fast it's hard to keep up!
moimeme Posted August 24, 2004 Posted August 24, 2004 People tend to want answers now. The guy only just found out about this whole life change he's going to have to undergo. It's been what - four days? Give it a bit of time!!!!
librooks Posted August 24, 2004 Posted August 24, 2004 I think pursuing something now with this guy would be a bad, bad idea. He's got way too much going on. Be his platonic friend and date other people. It's going to take awhile for things to settle back down in his life. There's also another possibility...is he really getting custody of his kids? Could he have just said that as an excuse to bail? Maybe he's just not ready for a relationship at all. Is the ex-wife/ex-gf still in the picture? Could he be trying to get back together with her?
Bubbles Posted August 24, 2004 Posted August 24, 2004 librooks brings up a valid point. Did you know anything about his persuing custody of his 2 children? I find it rather odd that a single parent living with a number of others in one house would be awarded custody (by any sane judge). I am a single mother and I have my share of problems with living arrangements. According to the law - I have to rent/own my own residence with no other people in the house ( the court needs to see that you are established and that you will provide a quality of life for the children. Secondly, if the children are opposite sex that provides even further complications.....then the Courts require that you provide a bedroom for each child. They cannot "bunk" together. Are you SURE you are not being played?
Mr Spock Posted August 24, 2004 Posted August 24, 2004 LOL Rubie, I identify with your statements. I suppose you're just going to have to keep being less available-it holds with him settling his life and custody issues AND makes him want to spend time with you (natural instinct of the chase, whatever) and will allow YOU not to mope and obess about this guy. Keep one eye open, and eyeballing all prime maleflesh prospects.
Author rubie Posted August 24, 2004 Author Posted August 24, 2004 I just feel exhausted and bummed lately. It's like, when I am single *and* feel decent about myself, things couldn't be better. BUT when I get involved, even slightly so, I feel like I am obligated to not stray and seek out new prospects. So then I stay home (or go to work and school and then come home) and write on web forums and text message people who are too busy to hang out with me because they are with their S.O.'s and such. Blah. I have stuff to do but my mind wont stick to it. I feel like I am making myself crazy over some guy who doesn't care anyway. Whatever. I know pretty much for a fact that he is not going back to his ex anytime soon. They're barely on speaking terms, sans arguing over children. Also, he has mentioned wanting custody of them for a while, since I have known him. The other day when he told me that he may be getting custody, he said it was becuase his baby was sick and his ex-wife was M.I.A. to take her to the doctor. When he had spoken to her again, she randomly asked him if he wanted custody. Sort of WTF-ish if you ask me. I mean, who just randomly says "HEY DO YOU WANT YOUR KIDS? I DON'T FEEL LIKE KEEPING THEM ANYMORE!" ugh people.
Mr Spock Posted August 25, 2004 Posted August 25, 2004 See that's the problem with "Unofficial" in YOUR head, it's official and you feel guilty about scoping out new, hot men. However, I bet in his head it doesn't work like that. I wish I could follow my advice too Anyways, I'd like to know how it works out for you. Keep posting. Keep busy too-cram fun into your days, it will help you not obess over it.
beautiful Posted August 25, 2004 Posted August 25, 2004 I think as women we have a special way of knowing when something is up with our mates. What I see is a man being way to fast and doing way to much in only 2 month. You are way to available to him. RE talking every day , seeing him every free minute. There is no healthy balance here. He has a lot going on in his life having children. That is a big responsibility. 2 month is not enough time to know him. Definitely not enough time to already have sex with him. When sex gets involved that when things change. It is nice to have the attention and all however that is what we as women need to look at. When it is to good to be true.................well it is! I think that for the time being it is a good idea to give him space. He is already pulling back from you and the more you want to be closer the more he is going to pull away. Knowing him 2 month.......................you know nothing about him really. How can you? Good Luck
Author rubie Posted August 26, 2004 Author Posted August 26, 2004 thanks, beautiful. Also, is your avatar an amy brown fairy? it looks like some of her work. Also #2, have heard from him once in the past 4 days. I paged him today, which I know was stupid. I think I feel the need to remind him that I am still here.
Mr Spock Posted August 26, 2004 Posted August 26, 2004 No, I know it's hard. He's busy, and neglecting you, and it sucks because for me I always felt that I didn't have a RIGHT to complain, because it was unofficial. I suggest you pretend that you've moved on-find another date. Give him some competition.
Author rubie Posted August 26, 2004 Author Posted August 26, 2004 ARGH! Still no call from him. I suppose I am beginning not to care. (As much) I just can't help but wonder, what is wrong with me that makes guys (on more than just this occasion) do this sort of "you're great! let's sleep together! OKAY BYE!" type thing. At least call and say "hey I don't think we should see each other anymore becuase ____". <-- fill in the blank, buddy. Ugh. Blah. Maybe I am just faulty. I am not "easy", as I know it may sound here. I'm actually pretty picky about who gets in my pants but I think I just am attracted to and therefore attract the wrong sort of guys. ...:::so profound:::...
Author rubie Posted August 28, 2004 Author Posted August 28, 2004 *BUMP* because bleh... I digress. I GIVE UP ON THIS GUY because he could have called to let me know one way or another, if we are "a thing" or nothing. So yeah, screw it. I will find someone else. Or a new hobby.
Mr Spock Posted August 28, 2004 Posted August 28, 2004 it sucks, because all you want to do is call and say "ACKNOWLEDGE ME!!! VALIDATE ME!!!" I think you're doing the right thing. Don't call, and be less available for him. If he does say "what's up?" you can tell him you want a valid relationship and won't see him until he's ready to provide it.
moimeme Posted August 28, 2004 Posted August 28, 2004 This boggles my mind. The guy is faced with changing his whole life and rather than figuring out what you can do to help, it's 'me, me, me, what about me, me, me'! In case the point escaped you - he is faced with changing his whole life!!!!! It might just be a tad understandable that he doesn't have time to tend to the delicate feelings of a new gf besides dealing with everythig else!
Author rubie Posted August 28, 2004 Author Posted August 28, 2004 Well, generallly, despite what you have going on in your life, you don't just sleep with someone and then take off and not call them or return their calls. Nor is it that hard to dial a number, say hello, talk for 20 seconds and go on with what you were doing. I was not demanding of his time or much of anything. So, I feel like perhaps he got what he came for and then he left. Furthermore, I asked him when we were together if he needed help with anything (i.e. moving, etc) and I said that I could understand how he would be stressed and if he needed to/wanted to talk, I was more than willing to listen. I tried quite hard to help him without being an-overachiever so I don't see how it was all about 'me me me', considering I am not asking for anything more than a phone call. Just one. That is all.
moimeme Posted August 28, 2004 Posted August 28, 2004 Why not call him? He may think you're not interested because he'll have the kids.
Mr Spock Posted August 28, 2004 Posted August 28, 2004 Originally posted by moimeme This boggles my mind. The guy is faced with changing his whole life and rather than figuring out what you can do to help, it's 'me, me, me, what about me, me, me'! In case the point escaped you - he is faced with changing his whole life!!!!! It might just be a tad understandable that he doesn't have time to tend to the delicate feelings of a new gf besides dealing with everythig else! bullsh*t. When it's matters of the heart, it's ALWAYS me, me, me and there is nothing wrong with that. Nothing wrong with her wanting validation, regardless of how busy he is at the moment. I think you need to protect your feelings Rubie. Because in his mind, it's "unofficial" which means that he puts in the physical time but not the emotional time-which is what is hurting your feelings and making you crazy, it may very well be alright for him to drop you when he's doing other things then pick up with you a month later. Why not just find something else to occupy you in the meantime? It's always a good idea to have several prospects on the go at one time anyways.....
moimeme Posted August 28, 2004 Posted August 28, 2004 When it's matters of the heart, it's ALWAYS me, me, me and there is nothing wrong with that. Oh really? Well maybe for you. Other folks take a very different point of view: True love begins when nothing is looked for in return. Antoine De Saint-Exupery Love, you know, seeks to make happy rather than to be happy. Ralph Connor When you have once seen the glow of happiness on the face of a beloved person, you know that a man can have no vocation but to awaken that light on the faces surrounding him; and you are torn by the thought of the unhappiness and night you cast, by the mere fact of living, in the hearts you encounter. Camus
Author rubie Posted August 29, 2004 Author Posted August 29, 2004 Jeeeeeeeeeze. I did not mean to initiate a quarrle. I simply said that I felt that if someone had an interest in someone else, despite their busy schedule, they could find the time for a brief little phone call - just to let someone know that they are indeed still interested. If we were a couple, offically, I would feel more certain about his feelings becuase I would know we were together. HOWEVER since we are unoffical, it's like "OK he's not calling so I guess this thing is over." No call from him today either. Oh well. I care, yeah, but I have pretty much accepted that he is not calling anymore. I just feel it in my heart. I'll live. It's life and sometimes it can suxxor!
chicasha Posted August 29, 2004 Posted August 29, 2004 I think...i am the type of person, that if I found someone I was genuinely interested in.....no matter what other chaotic events happened in my life, I'd definitely still make time to call that person and keep them posted in what was going on with me. Because..bottom line is this: You can't always control the chaos in your life. It will always be there. It will come and go...and come again! If you're going to 'wait it out till thigns settle down'.....u'll be waiting forever!! things never settle down! (hehe..at least in my life anyways). So....i've accepted that...and I know that despite all the other stuff goign on....if I want to pursue a romantic relationship with someone I'm interested in....I will have to work around eveything else, and still make it a priority to make time for this person...even if it means calling them and telling them briefly what is going on with my life, and make them feel validated. Soooo...yes, I agree....just b/c u have a lot of other stuff going on...it doesn't mean you can't pick up the phone and talk for a couple minutes. It is not impossible!!!! So...Rubie...i completely understand what you are getting at. But....also, remember...boys suck with phone-calls even when they DON"T have anything else crazy happening in their life.....!!! maybe u should give him a call, and leave him a message. But...dont' complain about anything..just leave a nice sweet message asking if everything is ok.....if he needs help from you, to please let him know....and that you are thinking about him. Maybe that will tell him you are still interested in him, even though he is going to have kids around now...and that you are willing to help out and be part of their lives, if that is what he wants. Good luck...let us know how it turns out!!
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