Lue Posted January 20, 2013 Posted January 20, 2013 I wrote a thread yesterday and I got a lot of wonderful helpful posts that really helped me make a decision. I ended it with the MM. I'm not sure that he will try to contact me again but if he does I am prepared to not respond and I really do want to end all contact with him forever. My question now is this- how do I avoid him and her? We live in a small NE city where EVERYONE knows everyone. They live 1.4 miles from my house. We know some of the same people. On Fri when he took his wife out for there dinner date, I was literally at the establishment across the street. She had posted the receipt from the date on FB and the time on it was 9:58pm. My friends and I left the bar at 10pm to go see our friends band- so we literally almost bumped into each other . We missed each other by two minutes. I own a house and I like it here. I don't want to move away but I really don't want to see him or her ever again. The thought of it is very painful
Summer Breeze Posted January 20, 2013 Posted January 20, 2013 Affairs 101 (cont) MOM will contact you once the hysterical bonding is over and the smoke settles. He probably minimized the affair big time and may have told the wife you chased him relentlessly. IN other words you were thrown under the bus. Some MOMs are able to convince the wife that they never had intercourse with OW and all the did was hold hands once or twice. Be prepared to deal with MOM again. He will once again tell you a sad story about how he is in the marriage from hell. And believe it or not sometimes weak OWs fall right back on the affair. Some OWs spend 8-10 years dealing with this and miss out on the opportunity to date single available men. I so agree that you need to prepare because it seems more often than not the MM do come back. You need to make up your mind NOW so you're ready when it happens. What will you accept from him? Don't sell yourself short Lue. Figure out what you want. Hopefully it'll be all or nothing and you can be ready to send him away and not to come back till the D is under way. Be prepared just like Pierre said. As far as avoiding. The first thing you do is stop looking at their social media pages. It'll drive you nuts and the reality for most people on those sites -- you see what they want you to see. I'm not talking about your xMM and his BS specifically. Everyone I know on FB is deliriously happy in all aspects of their lives. Even the ones I'm close to on a day to day show the world sweetness and light. It'll make you crazy. The rest of it, living in a small city. There really isn't any way to avoid it I'm afraid. You paste a smile on your face and you go about your business. I bet you he's more worried about it than you are and his BS is probably sick about it too. Live your life and stay out of their way as much as you can. 3
Sarabi Posted January 20, 2013 Posted January 20, 2013 She had posted the receipt from the date on FB and the time on it was 9:58pm. Is there something wrong with me...but why would anyone do this? Was it a Michelin Star, high class/long waiting list type restaurant..? Posting a receipt on facebook??? In answer to your question...I probably won't be much help because I live in a city and I am not yet a homeowner but when the time comes... -I walk around with earphones anyway...so if I were to see them, I would ignore and carry on as usual -I hope a better job will make everything fall into place for me. Meeting better people, moving to a better place, being busy with a more intellectually stimulating line of work etc. so hopefully...I won't be in a position to see them or have to interact with them -As the year goes on and the weather gets better hopefully I can make myself busy with other things...travel, socialising with others etc. dunno...maybe you can do that too..? How was the band by the way ?
Author Lue Posted January 20, 2013 Author Posted January 20, 2013 She posted her receipt on Facebook ostensibly because they rounded up the bill. But I know she posted it on FB so I would see it. How do I know? Because her profile was set to private until 2 days ago. And now it's filled with pictures of her fortune cookie that says "you will both be stronger and survive this; you survived worse" and pictures of them at dinner. That's why I blocked then and his family- I don't want to see it or be tempted. 2
whichwayisup Posted January 20, 2013 Posted January 20, 2013 I wrote a thread yesterday and I got a lot of wonderful helpful posts that really helped me make a decision. I ended it with the MM. I'm not sure that he will try to contact me again but if he does I am prepared to not respond and I really do want to end all contact with him forever. My question now is this- how do I avoid him and her? We live in a small NE city where EVERYONE knows everyone. They live 1.4 miles from my house. We know some of the same people. On Fri when he took his wife out for there dinner date, I was literally at the establishment across the street. She had posted the receipt from the date on FB and the time on it was 9:58pm. My friends and I left the bar at 10pm to go see our friends band- so we literally almost bumped into each other . We missed each other by two minutes. I own a house and I like it here. I don't want to move away but I really don't want to see him or her ever again. The thought of it is very painful Part of your own consquence and fallout of having an affair is dealing with the aftermath. You knew going in what you know now. A small town, bound to run into him and his wife on occasion. Do yourself a favour though, stop looking at her facebook page. This is not going to help you heal. Think of it like this..Would you go through their garbage can? Snoop and see what goes on in their life? My guess is no..So think of her facebook page as the garbage can. It isn't your business what they do and what she posts about.. All it's going to do is make you feel bad. Prepare yourself for the pain unless you move. Seek some counseling if you can't handle it on your own.
Author Lue Posted January 20, 2013 Author Posted January 20, 2013 Part of your own consquence and fallout of having an affair is dealing with the aftermath. You knew going in what you know now. Not to be defensive- but I DIDN'T know what I was getting into. He portrayed himself as single. He called himself my boyfriend. I did not know he was married for 6 months, and I ended the relationship then and there. I am confused and he senses that so he keeps trying to reel me back in. Every relationship is different. Some people know their partner is married and they accept that, some people know and aren't ok with it but are in too deep, and some people have no idea. One of the issues that I'm dealing with right now is that everyone has this idea that as the OW I asked for this. That I have low morals, and that I deserve to be in this situation. But I DON'T deserve to be in this situation and I am trying to find a solution so I can avoid being taken advantage of or hurt any longer 1
Author Lue Posted January 20, 2013 Author Posted January 20, 2013 I feel very very bad for her, and very bad that I inadvertently hurt her. I would never have done anything to intentionally hurt someone or break-up their marriage. And when I told her about the affair, I apologized and told her I wished her and him the best of luck. I realize that by allowing him to contact me last week I gave up some very important moral ground, and I reclaiming that. But, in my defense (and I know it's week) he told me last week about how awful she was. That she never paid him any attention, wouldn't have his child, ran up debt, etc However, I think that SHE may be very hostile towards me. The MM has definitely told her some story about me that isn't true or accurate. I had a mutual acquaintance tell me last week that she's been checking the web for me, watching my Facebook account, asking around about me, etc. And I can definitely understand her anger and hurt, but it is directed towards the wrong person. And I am in a precarious position insofar as I am not from here and they are, going back at least 3 generations. They're whole families are here, they went to high school and college here- they know a lot of people
whichwayisup Posted January 20, 2013 Posted January 20, 2013 Sorry L, I kind of forgot your situation! But, in my defense (and I know it's week) he told me last week about how awful she was. That she never paid him any attention, wouldn't have his child, ran up debt, etc However, I think that SHE may be very hostile towards me. The MM has definitely told her some story about me that isn't true or accurate. So he's lied to you about her and he's lied to her about you. Typical MM who exaggerates/bends or makes up a lie to woo an OW and make her feel sorry for him.
road Posted January 20, 2013 Posted January 20, 2013 My question now is this- how do I avoid him and her? We live in a small NE city where EVERYONE knows everyone. They live 1.4 miles from my house. We know some of the same people. On Fri when he took his wife out for there dinner date, I was literally at the establishment across the street. She had posted the receipt from the date on FB and the time on it was 9:58pm. My friends and I left the bar at 10pm to go see our friends band- so we literally almost bumped into each other . We missed each other by two minutes. I own a house and I like it here. I don't want to move away but I really don't want to see him or her ever again. The thought of it is very painful Consequences of having an affair. Time to move far away. You danced but you are trying to avoid having to pay the band.
MissBee Posted January 20, 2013 Posted January 20, 2013 I wrote a thread yesterday and I got a lot of wonderful helpful posts that really helped me make a decision. I ended it with the MM. I'm not sure that he will try to contact me again but if he does I am prepared to not respond and I really do want to end all contact with him forever. My question now is this- how do I avoid him and her? We live in a small NE city where EVERYONE knows everyone. They live 1.4 miles from my house. We know some of the same people. On Fri when he took his wife out for there dinner date, I was literally at the establishment across the street. She had posted the receipt from the date on FB and the time on it was 9:58pm. My friends and I left the bar at 10pm to go see our friends band- so we literally almost bumped into each other . We missed each other by two minutes. I own a house and I like it here. I don't want to move away but I really don't want to see him or her ever again. The thought of it is very painful The way I see it is that you either move or find a way to be okay with seeing them. I would not want to be in your position at all, as I understand how uncomfortable and on edge it must make you feel. But I don't think there is any way to avoid these people completely if as you say you run in similar circles, frequent the same places and they live close by. You don't want to move and I understand that and would probably not move because of this as that is a HUGE feat, shoot, when people suggest changing your number, I'm like I wouldn't do that either unless I was being stalked, so moving? I doubt. So the next option is to find a way to be okay with seeing them. I think though that seeing them, while uncomfortable, won't kill you and sometimes when you expose yourself to that it helps you to not be paranoid and blow it up in your head about "what if I see them". You get desensitized to it quicker. Overtime you won't care anymore, but for now it's fresh so you obviously do, but I'd simply act like I didn't know them if I saw them out and about OR even smile cordially and be on my way. That takes away the power of the situation IMO and makes you feel free to go about your life without constantly worrying about avoiding these people. 1
Author Lue Posted January 20, 2013 Author Posted January 20, 2013 (edited) In the letter I wrote, I told his wife I didn't know he was married. It was a 3 page letter explaining the entire situation from beginning to end, apologizing for my part in it, asking for her forgiveness, and telling her I hoped they could save their marriage. I know he hasn't seen it, because he mentioned to me last week that he was "fighting a 3 page letter he's not even allowed to read". So he (at least as of last Monday) hadn't read the letter. I am sure he's probably talked her into it by now though. I truly feel a great deal of regret and remorse for everything; the letter was not easy to write and I only wrote it after speaking privately with my priest (who advised me the best thing to do was to confess and ask for forgiveness). And I am sure that right now the BS maybe at the same point as was until yesterday- ready to bargain and accept things that she knows aren't true rather than to lose him. The town I live in isn't tiny- I, But like a lot of NE cities with strong working class roots, everyone is connected. So you will meet someone and find out that they went to catholic school with your best friend. Heck- I KNOW the BS. She's friends with some of my friends! And the eMM has a definite type of girl he likes- 30s, kind artsy, hipsterish- those people hang out together Edited January 21, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
canuckprincess Posted January 21, 2013 Posted January 21, 2013 Affairs 101 (cont) Some OWs spend 8-10 years dealing with this and miss out on the opportunity to date single available men. Your preaching to the choir! I'm a glutten for punishment.
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