How to Read Her

[Palominas]

I met this great woman at work. It took me a few months to finally ask her out, but I finally did. She said yes. Since I asked her out, right before the holidays, we didn’t really go out on our first date until after New Year’s. The first date was a lot of fun. We went to a restaurant and we just talked for over 3 hours. We have a lot in common. She mentioned that she just got out of a long-term relationship (I guess about 4 or so months ago) and that she wants to go slow. I also got out of a LTR, but about 2 years ago. It was a bit disastrous, with me being taken advantage of. It ended with me finding out the girl cheated on me, but apparently still wanted to be f-buddies. That’s not my style. It left me hurt for a while. Since then, I’ve moved and I’ve basically been concentrating on my career and school.

 

This woman is the first I’ve dated since. We text and email each other, although it can take her days to respond, and I’m always the one initiating it. We both work shift work and we both go to school (advanced degrees), so getting time to see each other can be understandably rough. Although, we’ve also just met up before or after work a few times and talked for a while. I asked her out on a second official date (to the movies). Again she said yes. Although, she canceled on me, saying she had school work to do. Which is understandable, I guess. Trying to reschedule. I’ve been taking everything at face value so far. I’m guessing she’s still a bit scared to get into another relationship (and just busy). I’m willing to take it slow (although, I’m not sure what my expectations should be). I just wish she’d initiate a text, email, or call every once in a while or give me some other sign that she likes me (although, yes, I realize her saying ‘yes’ to continue to meet up should be a sign).

 

Any thoughts or advice (especially from the women posters)? What should my expectations be? I want her to know I’m not in a rush to get into her pants, but I want a full emotional relationship first. I want her to trust me.

Edited January 20, 2013 by Palominas
Trying to break out paragraphs, no one likes walls of text

[Jessiboo]

It's really frustrating when you feel that the other person is interested, but you're the one putting in the effort.

 

I wouldn't give up on her yet. Some woman firmly believe that the man should be the one initiating all the contact. I like to keep it fairly balanced myself. I don't buy into the "if he's not texting you he's not interested" bit. After all, I'm interested and I'm not texting him, right? So just because you aren't hearing from her doesn't mean she isn't interested in seeing you.

 

The rescheduling of your date is a little stickier. I think I would back off and give her a few days. Let her get a chance to miss you. At the same time it will show that you respect her space. Then casually mention that you would like to see her again.

 

Good luck. I hope it works out for you.

[Cutiepie1976]

You have a mixed bag of signals here. Sorry buddy. Here are the possibilities:

1. She has some level of interest but is passive (a common occurrence).
   
2. She's on the fence.
   
3. She isn't interested after getting to know you on your first date, and is taking the "you'll eventually get the message" approach.
   

 

Every woman is different, so until you get to know her, it will be a little hard to figure out which of the three applies to her. Still, most people respond back to a text within 24 hours if they are interested unless they've lost their phone... Has she ever provided a reason for her significantly delayed responses?

 

Guys generally take the lead, which makes option #3 problematic, especially since she wants to take things slowly and is juggling school and work. The most effective technique for figuring out whether you have #1 (or 2) vs. #3 IMO is to put the ball firmly in her court. When she cancels, respond with something like: These things occasionally happen. Obviously I was hoping for a second date. If you're interested, let me know when we can go on a second date. Then drop it. She'll either get back to you with a specific date, fade into the woodwork (let her unless you prefer flaky behavior and a winding path to nowhereville), or suggest something and cancel again. If she cancels again, call her out and tell her she can plan the next date. Example: You've now cancelled twice and it's unclear to me whether you're even interested. Why don't you plan a date if you still want to continue. I wouldn't budge on who plans the date at that point. Words and apologies are cheap.

 

Hope things work out for you.

[Alixandra]

Many women want to be in a relationship, they just don't know to make things "click". In this day and age, women are focusing on school and work more then their relationships. Mostly because it is something they are proud of and can depend upon. This woman sounds like she wants to be in the relationship, yet doesn't know how to balance her time. I know how you feel when it comes to putting in all the effort when it is not reciprocated. Just continue to try to keep a steady communication, make certain nights of the week for date night, where she needs to plan her schedule accordingly so you can go out. Make the plans in advance and keep reminding her how excited you are to go out with her so she remembers to keep that time period open for just you two.

Good luck!

[Palominas]

Thanks. Cutiepie, I'm hoping it is number 1 or 2. Even after the first date, she didn't hesitate for a second date, and we've met before and after work a few times since. It seems like once we're on an actual date or meeting up, then we talk for a long time and enjoy each other's company. It's just getting to that date that seems to be the pain. If it is 3, I'd just hope she'd just eventually flat out tell me.

 

Alixandra, we're both working odd shift work hours and in school, so it's understandably difficult to make things "click". It's very doable, with planning, like you suggest.