Is it wrong to say certain things to someone you love?

[mammasita]

For example "our sex life is kind of routine" or "you've gained some weight"

 

A friend is telling me that I'm wrong for thinking its ok to say things like this to your partner? I don't see how it is, especially when these things were not said in anger or in an insulting way. I see it as a way to make things better.

 

Am I wrong? Am I completely off base here?

[Saphira]

I don't think the idea behind what you said is wrong but I certainly hope those aren't examples of how you actually worded them.

 

our sex life is kind of routine vs how about we try this new position / location / toy

 

you've gained some weight vs let's go for a run / join a gym / join a sports team

 

They are both saying the same thing however one is better than the other.

 

 

I completely agree with this.

 

You have to think how it would make you feel if someone said that to you. now you said that your friend sees a problem with this.

 

How did your partner take it? Have you told your partner yet? was was their reaction to this?

[Sarabi]

...says it to you?

 

I am renting a room in a house. I work 1-9pm or now back to my old schedule of 3-11pm and my landlord said one day after I got back from work that I shouldn't eat late because its not good(I used to work nights...and would eat in the middle of the night during the shift). He then said "do you ever consider doing more exercise?"

I am not skinny...but I am a size 10-12(in the US 6-8). I have no health problems. I don't exercise that often but I am certainly not unfit.

 

Hmmmm...the other day he said "have you taken your bike out yet?"(I said no). "Well don't you think you should use it?"(note: in out part of the world it is frosty, icy...now it is currently snowing and unlike him who is a seasoned cyclist, I have little on road experience).

 

How about that?

P.S. he drinks(a lot) and even asked me why I don't drink(I do-just not as much as him), he smokes(cigars and that funny smelling herb)...

[Sarabi]

I purely wanted to make you guys smile imagine paying your rent to listen to someone telling you stuff like that...

 

Of course back to the original point, wording it differently and saying "we should join a gym/go for a jog" etc. would be far better.

[Harradin]

I hate beating round the bush, so I'm just blunt (not outright rude but I will say: "you've gained a bit of weight" as an example) and it works for me. I ask my friends to be blunt with me too, and it works well as I don't get offended.

 

To be honest, they both come out with the same conclusion anyway, giving them a hint is just a long detour. Being straight to the point is more offensive but it works far better from experience.

[Cutiepie1976]

What is your purpose in providing feedback?

 

If said on the way out the door during a break-up, no. Keep it to yourself. No need to be a cruel dumper or bitter dumpee.

 

Ditto if said in anger in the middle of a fight.

 

If in the midst of a thoughtful discussion about your relationship, and these are things that are hindering your relationship, yes but find positive, supportive ways to encourage the change you want. The suggestions above are great.

 

Blunt "honesty" can be cruel (sometimes intentionally so) and counterproductive. Is your goal to build your partner up and help him become the best version of him (as defined by him not you)? Or by the time you are through hammering him with your critique and frustrations, to render him an insecure, self-doubting mess convinced that he's sexually unappealing to you? (BTW, not saying this is you Mammasita;)...more my reaction to some posts. You're one of the more thoughtful posters here whose opinions I look for and value.) If it's really about him, and not you, let genuine kindness and empathy underpin your approach.

[sweetkiwi]

I don't think its wrong to say. It just depends on your partner and how they would feel.

[gaius]

As long as you say it privately and not in a weaponized way, ie in response to something you don't like or in an attempt to control. If it's a legitimate issue that's bugging you it should be brought up and there's nothing wrong with doing it in a bluntly.