Break-up blues... !

[malxme]

So I was cruising the net hoping to find something to help me, and this site seems great! Even just reading other peoples posts has made me feel better, simply due to the fact that other people are going through the exact same thing as me.

 

Here's my story: We were together for going on 3 years, I was (still am) madly in love with him. It was never an easy relationship. We fought quite terribly at times because as a musician I never felt he had enough time for me, and when I moved out of town for uni and we tried the whole long distance thing, I barely heard from him and never felt he was really 'there' for me. Despite the arguements, I still desperately wanted to stay with him. We had a couple of little breakups along the way (mainly my fault, childishly would just give up after a big fight) but always worked things out.

 

When we are together it is wonderful. To put it simply, I feel complete when Im with him. Little things put strain on our relationship (as well as the long distance), such as his flatmate having a big issue with me, and my parents having a big issue with him. This meant neither of us felt welcome at the other persons home and we essentially had nowhere we could go and just be together. I'd drive back home as often as I could to see him, but he very rarely came to see me. But all in all we managed to work things out, simply because we loved eachother and we both saw a future together.

 

However things started to get worse and worse. We'd fight almost every weekend over things like me needing more from him. I accept that I was being needy, and I did my very best to not do this. But being a long distance relationship, I always felt I needed a bit of extra effort from him such as a couple of phone calls, and a pre-warning if I wouldnt be hearing from him for a time. This sounds awful, but I was just absolutely crazy about him, and getting time from him was what kept me going while I was studying so far away from home and family. Looking back now I can see how this put too much pressure on him, but I dont know if I could have done it any differently. I didnt expect him to text/call me all day every day. But If he had plans (eg recording music all day) and wouldnt be near his phone, I just requested he let me know he was busy so that I wouldnt be wondering where he was (yes, it is as sad as it sounds. Love is crazy!), because I would get sometimes quite terribly lonely and down. But me asking this of him was too much and would cause fights. It was my own fault for living my entire life around him and needing him so much, but it was what it was..

 

Toward the end I caught him flirting with his ex gf (who cheated on him, why would you want to be friends with THAT again??) and I was absolutely crushed. This caused numerous fights because he kept seeing her behind my back and the flirting continued and I just didnt trust him like I used to. He dumped me due to all the fights and all the pressure I put on him. This is two months ago and I am still completely heart broken and barely coping. I begged him to take me back, things got quite pathetic really. I went to his house to drop off some things and discovered his ex gf in his bed (apparently only 'consoling' him about his heart break...).

 

My issue is this: he says he still loves me. He says he wants nobody but me, he wants to marry me one day. But not now. Now is not the right time he says. Why? Why not now? Im almost finished my study, why give up after making it through so many obstacles. I feel a little offended that he wants to walk away from me while Im dealing with the hardest stage of my life (living away from home has been difficult to say the least) then expects to walk back into my life in a few years when everything will be easy and pick things up again. I feel like if he really cared for me, he'd stick with me through these hard times. I admit I am hard work, but he aint no walk in the park either. SO intent on being completely independent and not being 'controlled' that it felt like he wasnt letting me in at all. I got no say in any of the things he did. Anyway, he dumped me yes, It just about killed me. But after the lame stage of begging, I tried my best to respect his decision. I said goodbye to him multiple times, and did my absolute best not to contact him (not always successful). But during these times of attempting no contact, he would get in touch with me and try to make conversation. He says he wants to be friends, says I am still his best friend. He doesnt understand how hard it is for me to do that, how much it hurts. I feel like I still haven't let go of the relationship, and him contacting me and saying he still loves me and misses me just makes it so much harder. I know I should stick to the no friends thing, but I miss him so much. He is on my mind nearly constantly and after two months, I wondering if this will ever go away. I would take him back in a heart beat if he asked me (even though it would mean enduring alot of anger about it from my parents).

 

Im tired of all the tears, and would gratefully accept any advice on this. I'm sorry its such a huge story! Heart break seems to make my brain go a mile a minute, so many thoughts...

[FailedFirstLove]

So I was cruising the net hoping to find something to help me, and this site seems great! Even just reading other peoples posts has made me feel better, simply due to the fact that other people are going through the exact same thing as me.

 

Here's my story: We were together for going on 3 years, I was (still am) madly in love with him. It was never an easy relationship. We fought quite terribly at times because as a musician I never felt he had enough time for me, and when I moved out of town for uni and we tried the whole long distance thing, I barely heard from him and never felt he was really 'there' for me. Despite the arguements, I still desperately wanted to stay with him. We had a couple of little breakups along the way (mainly my fault, childishly would just give up after a big fight) but always worked things out.

 

When we are together it is wonderful. To put it simply, I feel complete when Im with him. Little things put strain on our relationship (as well as the long distance), such as his flatmate having a big issue with me, and my parents having a big issue with him. This meant neither of us felt welcome at the other persons home and we essentially had nowhere we could go and just be together. I'd drive back home as often as I could to see him, but he very rarely came to see me. But all in all we managed to work things out, simply because we loved eachother and we both saw a future together.

 

However things started to get worse and worse. We'd fight almost every weekend over things like me needing more from him. I accept that I was being needy, and I did my very best to not do this. But being a long distance relationship, I always felt I needed a bit of extra effort from him such as a couple of phone calls, and a pre-warning if I wouldnt be hearing from him for a time. This sounds awful, but I was just absolutely crazy about him, and getting time from him was what kept me going while I was studying so far away from home and family. Looking back now I can see how this put too much pressure on him, but I dont know if I could have done it any differently. I didnt expect him to text/call me all day every day. But If he had plans (eg recording music all day) and wouldnt be near his phone, I just requested he let me know he was busy so that I wouldnt be wondering where he was (yes, it is as sad as it sounds. Love is crazy!), because I would get sometimes quite terribly lonely and down. But me asking this of him was too much and would cause fights. It was my own fault for living my entire life around him and needing him so much, but it was what it was..

 

Toward the end I caught him flirting with his ex gf (who cheated on him, why would you want to be friends with THAT again??) and I was absolutely crushed. This caused numerous fights because he kept seeing her behind my back and the flirting continued and I just didnt trust him like I used to. He dumped me due to all the fights and all the pressure I put on him. This is two months ago and I am still completely heart broken and barely coping. I begged him to take me back, things got quite pathetic really. I went to his house to drop off some things and discovered his ex gf in his bed (apparently only 'consoling' him about his heart break...).

 

My issue is this: he says he still loves me. He says he wants nobody but me, he wants to marry me one day. But not now. Now is not the right time he says. Why? Why not now? Im almost finished my study, why give up after making it through so many obstacles. I feel a little offended that he wants to walk away from me while Im dealing with the hardest stage of my life (living away from home has been difficult to say the least) then expects to walk back into my life in a few years when everything will be easy and pick things up again. I feel like if he really cared for me, he'd stick with me through these hard times. I admit I am hard work, but he aint no walk in the park either. SO intent on being completely independent and not being 'controlled' that it felt like he wasnt letting me in at all. I got no say in any of the things he did. Anyway, he dumped me yes, It just about killed me. But after the lame stage of begging, I tried my best to respect his decision. I said goodbye to him multiple times, and did my absolute best not to contact him (not always successful). But during these times of attempting no contact, he would get in touch with me and try to make conversation. He says he wants to be friends, says I am still his best friend. He doesnt understand how hard it is for me to do that, how much it hurts. I feel like I still haven't let go of the relationship, and him contacting me and saying he still loves me and misses me just makes it so much harder. I know I should stick to the no friends thing, but I miss him so much. He is on my mind nearly constantly and after two months, I wondering if this will ever go away. I would take him back in a heart beat if he asked me (even though it would mean enduring alot of anger about it from my parents).

 

Im tired of all the tears, and would gratefully accept any advice on this. I'm sorry its such a huge story! Heart break seems to make my brain go a mile a minute, so many thoughts...

 

Your story sounds a hell lot like mine!!! he says he wants to be friends too and doesn't know what the future is going to be like...

I asked if he was happy and he says he wouldn't say his happy... Right.

I still can't get over him or even stop thinking. But I really think no contact is best. it hurts. It really does. We made it through soooooo many obstacles together as well. His family, my family. Long distance.

Crying just happens unfortunately.

There's nothing we can do unless they reach out. Sometimes I'm angry. It doesn't have to be this way. It's like an excuse so they can have it their way. I don't know what to say a part from Im exact same as you. And I've reached dead end. I still can't think his really gone. Everytime I do I cry my eyes out.

Try not to keep the hope that he will come back and marry you. If it doesn't happen you will be so hurt. It's a few years. That's a long long time. He could easily change by then.

[denxnis]

He wants to test other waters, simple as that.

 

No reason to leave a girl you supposedly want to be with in the future unless you wanted to try other things beforehand.

 

If you continue talking to him you will only postpone/extend your suffering.

 

If you walk away now and never look back you will not regret it 5 years from now, that I promise.

 

I know the aforementioned is difficult and you won't take my advice, hell even I didn't take my own advice, but it truly is your best option. You don't want to persuade someone to love you. Give him exactly what he wants, ignore the hell out of him and don't talk to him for a few months; then revisit the situation with a clear mind.

 

This coming from a guy who recently got out of a 6 year relationship after his girlfriend said the following, "I still want to buy a house with you and move in together with you, just not now."

 

Few weeks later she is dating another guy who honestly has far less to offer than I.

[FailedFirstLove]

He wants to test other waters, simple as that.

 

No reason to leave a girl you supposedly want to be with in the future unless you wanted to try other things beforehand.

 

If you continue talking to him you will only postpone/extend your suffering.

 

If you walk away now and never look back you will not regret it 5 years from now, that I promise.

 

I know the aforementioned is difficult and you won't take my advice, hell even I didn't take my own advice, but it truly is your best option. You don't want to persuade someone to love you. Give him exactly what he wants, ignore the hell out of him and don't talk to him for a few months; then revisit the situation with a clear mind.

 

This coming from a guy who recently got out of a 6 year relationship after his girlfriend said the following, "I still want to buy a house with you and move in together with you, just not now."

 

Few weeks later she is dating another guy who honestly has far less to offer than I.

 

What if the guy was thinking he needs to get himself together? Like he has to be in a different state in order to get his studies and work in order. I'm just guessing this. He never felt he was good enough and when he came down he probably felt worse.

[denxnis]

What if the guy was thinking he needs to get himself together? Like he has to be in a different state in order to get his studies and work in order. I'm just guessing this. He never felt he was good enough and when he came down he probably felt worse.

 

Most guys that I know, including myself, are pretty direct about things like this. There is no need to break-up because you're trying to "get yourself together". Seriously though, if you love someone you would never risk losing them because you need to get things in order simple as that.

 

I do have sympathy for you, unfortunately sometimes you need to be direct in-order to get your point across.

[malxme]

FailedFirstLove, I'm so glad I'm not the only one dealing with this kind of thing! I hate feeling like this, I got SO attached to him that I started needing him so much which he and I both hated- nobody likes a needy person. I HATED being the needy gf so much, and I tried to cut back, like if he'd contact me I wouldnt rush to get back to him, Id go do something else for a bit first, just so he didnt feel like I was always waiting to hear from him (even though i pretty much was, being so lonely away from home), but this actually pushed him further away. He actually told me when I took too long to reply he'd text his ex instead! And now he wants to just be friends and I feel like he wants to have his cake and eat it too. He wants to have someone around who cares very deeply for him, will listen to his troubles, buy him gifts, do 'things' with him (ya know what I'm talkin' bout...) but not be obligated to meet the role of bf in terms of things like keeping in touch with me, letting me know if he's going out of town for days etc. Im so desperate to hear from him that I give him exactly what he wants and I just feel so weak.

 

Dexnis: That is exactly what I've been thinking lately. If he truly wanted a future with me, he wouldnt have left me. He obviously wants to do other things (without me) for awhile, and I have to say that really F&%*s me off. He expects me to be waiting for him and welcome him back when(if) he decides he cant do any better than me. But I know I cant wait for him. I know it will just crush me if he finds someone new. He says this wont happen, he says I am the love of his life. But if this was really true, he'd want to work through the bad times because the good times are worth it. I text him yesterday telling him I can't be around him anymore because it hurts too much, and he didnt even have the courtesy to reply. Ouch, obviously isnt too bothered by the thought of me disappearing. I will try to take your advice and not contact him. But what do I do if like the other times, he contacts me?

[FailedFirstLove]

I have become so dependent on him it's crazy... he was always there! Everytime I had some news I went straight to him without a doubt... But now his gone so that's the biggest chunk out of me. I don't know what to do either. I'm tryin to think if you love someone let them go. doesn't seem like he will be coming back. drowning in my own tears, there's nothing that I can do.

[Toddbt12y1]

I have become so dependent on him it's crazy... he was always there! Everytime I had some news I went straight to him without a doubt... But now his gone so that's the biggest chunk out of me. I don't know what to do either. I'm tryin to think if you love someone let them go. doesn't seem like he will be coming back. drowning in my own tears, there's nothing that I can do.

 

There is something you can do.

 

You have to try. Cry and try.

 

You where put back to crawling dears. Now you have to learn to walk. It takes effort, you'll fall, but try and make it.

[malxme]

We are doing exactly what we should be doing. We're reaching out and talking to people about how we are feeling, and we are getting unbiased opinions from people, getting honest advice from people. Over these past two months I have never felt more alone. I miss my bf because he was my best friend, and I dont have many other friends. My parents have had enough of my feeling sad and are currently angry at me for how I am behaving when it comes to my ex. But coming on here is helping me. I'm still desperately sad, but I'm so glad Im not going through this alone, other people are dealing with the same things too.

 

As for your 'if you love someone let them go'- Im trying to say to myself, if he truly loved me he would NOT have left me. He knows Im a cheesy romantic at heart, if he loved me he would turn up at my house with my favourite chocolate and he would beg for forgiveness. I believe people make mistakes, I try to give second chances. But he hasnt asked for one. I love him, but I hate what he has done to me. I try to say to myself: this isn't what I want out of a relationship. I want someone who would do anything for me (as I would for him), who would beg me not to go if I tried to break up with them (I begged him), who believes their life would be a shadow of its former self if I went away. But he did leave me. He saw what it did to me, at weak times I had to go to him because he was the only friend I had, and he saw all my pain. But here he still is, hurting me, saying he loves me. That isnt the kind of love I want. We have to be strong! Boo

[Toddbt12y1]

I'm glad you use ls.

 

I'm not foreign to how you feel. It's only been two months. Give it more time...

 

 

I know how you feel.

[FailedFirstLove]

We are doing exactly what we should be doing. We're reaching out and talking to people about how we are feeling, and we are getting unbiased opinions from people, getting honest advice from people. Over these past two months I have never felt more alone. I miss my bf because he was my best friend, and I dont have many other friends. My parents have had enough of my feeling sad and are currently angry at me for how I am behaving when it comes to my ex. But coming on here is helping me. I'm still desperately sad, but I'm so glad Im not going through this alone, other people are dealing with the same things too.

 

As for your 'if you love someone let them go'- Im trying to say to myself, if he truly loved me he would NOT have left me. He knows Im a cheesy romantic at heart, if he loved me he would turn up at my house with my favourite chocolate and he would beg for forgiveness. I believe people make mistakes, I try to give second chances. But he hasnt asked for one. I love him, but I hate what he has done to me. I try to say to myself: this isn't what I want out of a relationship. I want someone who would do anything for me (as I would for him), who would beg me not to go if I tried to break up with them (I begged him), who believes their life would be a shadow of its former self if I went away. But he did leave me. He saw what it did to me, at weak times I had to go to him because he was the only friend I had, and he saw all my pain. But here he still is, hurting me, saying he loves me. That isnt the kind of love I want. We have to be strong! Boo

 

 

 

Oh tell me about it. My parents are fed up. It's been a month. I'm fighting wth them alot now too. I dot know why they don't understand. Yes it's one guy. For 4 years. My friends are fed up as well. Thisforum will soon be fed up

I'm trying my best to try live a normal life. The down times are worse. Seems like everything's FALLIG apart when his not here.

 

And yes it's true. If he truly loved me he will come back no matter what. so I have to accept his love was never as strong as mine. I would have jumped in front of a speeding car for him.

We can make it through this together at least this forum is full of similar people with similar stories.

[malxme]

Im fighting with my Mum alot because of it. Its probably my fault, I have days when I wake up and I'm just feeling awful- sad, exhausted. And that would be hard to tolerate (Im back living with my parents until I go back to studying, but Im terrified of going back there and being hours away from family and friends ).

 

I think the hardest part of all of this is learning to accept it. We live in a world where we have a whole lot of control over just about everything in our lives. What we eat, what clothes we wear. But one thing we cant control is how others feel about us. We have to accept that these people don't want to be with us anymore. And boy does it hurt. Gah, I am so sad

[Toddbt12y1]

You still have ls to help you.

 

And hugs*

[FailedFirstLove]

I'm so sad too still can't accept it. I keep going back and forth

Sometimes I accept it but then I hope for a future together again. it's hard to see the one you love walk away so easily. I would have never walked away... But that's just me, I truly loved him and more than he loves me.

My emotions are everywhere. I'm not dealing with them very well. Any stressful situation that comes up I completely break down.

Before I used to think its ok his here, it's all going to be ok. Now it's, his gone never coming back and I'm left to face all this alone. Everything's turning up side down.

And the fact that I can't sleep is KILLING ME. I wake up the entire night regardless of how tired I am! I'm a walking zombie and I'm miserable. While his happy living in his new life. How can life be so unfair

[malxme]

Arent we both just the saddest things out?! Its terrible how losing just one person can make you feel like youve been ripped inside out! I am so glad I found loveshack, Its been so helpful. If you ever need someone to talk to, please feel free to email me ([email protected]), us heart breakees gotta stick together!

 

I sleep ok, but wake up exhausted like I havent really slept at all, ya know? The fact that youre not sleeping must make it all so much harder on you. The mood youre in can be strongly effected by the lack of sleep. I always feel so much more brighter and hopeful when I've had enough sleep.

 

Chin up, we will survive this!

[Ruby Slippers]

You're pining away over a guy who doesn't love you. That's like pouring your energy into a black hole.

 

Pick yourself up from this and move on. The world is full of men, and some of them would be very happy to love you.

 

Go 100% no contact with this guy, and don't buckle.

[FailedFirstLove]

Arent we both just the saddest things out?! Its terrible how losing just one person can make you feel like youve been ripped inside out! I am so glad I found loveshack, Its been so helpful. If you ever need someone to talk to, please feel free to email me ([email protected]), us heart breakees gotta stick together!

 

I sleep ok, but wake up exhausted like I havent really slept at all, ya know? The fact that youre not sleeping must make it all so much harder on you. The mood youre in can be strongly effected by the lack of sleep. I always feel so much more brighter and hopeful when I've had enough sleep.

 

Chin up, we will survive this!

 

I'm glad you found this too! Will for sure email you. I've been so upset not having anyone that can understand how I'm feeling! I'm even working and on love shack. talk to you soooo!'n