Why is it not ok to judge people on there sexual past?

[DarrenK]

just to show an example of a person who can be totally remorseful about such a past...

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/369480-i-need-him-back

 

I want to say that I have always agreed with your views and felt for your situation .you seem like a good guy but yeah I got pissed when you said I treat people horrible with this past ?no I do not respect them but I am kind to them I find the lifestyle gross but it's there life's ,my main point is just be real and don't lie or expect people not to judge such behavior its part of life

[CarboniteCammy]

Again with the anger, DarrenK.

 

You're allowed whatever views you wish to have. If you wish to judge people on past behavior, that's your perrogative. Just as it is the perrogative of the people on this board to judge YOU for YOUR behavior.

 

It seems to me you're tilting at windmills here, if you get my drift.

 

IMHO- your main issue is to deal with your marriage, not to fight people on this board for not agreeing with you.

 

Nobody here agrees with anyone else for any length of time LOL! It would be really boring if everyone agreed, anyway. This is the NTRWEBZ. Don't let it keep you up at night.

[TripperX]

I am tired of this subject and the feeling people have to be nice be so politically correct lol!

I personally think women and men that sleep with tons of random people are the lowest of low and don't deserve respect or to be treated the same as respectable adults.

 

Women that are strippers and show there naked bodies to get paid ,or women that sell there bodies. Men that go to bars try to get women drunk so they can use them cum in them then disappear never to talk to them again! To me a hooker and a SLUT are the same!!one sleeps around to get money the other does it for emotional insecurity .think about it women that has allowed tons of men cum on her in her or anal 3 somes .so gross and women stop complaining about double standards with your feminists views its simpler ladies stop screwing guys that are disgusting scum don't give into these horrible men respect your bodies !! !there the ones that encourage it and say its just sex ?they actually wonder why normal people judge them BECAUSE its nasty !!to be with 20+ people its never be respected and everyone has the right to judge everyone gets judged on every aspect of life !!I'm proud to say I'm not like that and I'm extremely hansom ...but I have values and standards !!here's an idea all sluts please date eachother leave us with values to the good ones

 

 

Look at your first line: You are tired of this subject.

Then quit posting about it.

 

And if by all the sluts (your wife) leaving those of you with values alone...keep in mind you chose her!

 

Your constant rambling on the subject would give one the impression you are not tired of it....maybe even obsessing over it? Keep out of the psychology books and websites.

At this point it would appear you have some sort of mental issue and should seek help.

 

You come across as insecure, a inferiority complex, immature and of low education as you seem the have problems with spelling in all of your posts.

 

And BTW......I'm sure we all buy just how handsome you are

[Feelin Frisky]

It depends on the person. So you're entitled to judge someone on their sexual past. A question that occurs to me is are you entitled to know their sexual past or pester them until they spill it all? Personally I don't want to know everything or even all that much. I frankly have reservations about women who worked as strippers and won't go with an ex ho, a bi-sexual (sorry, it's personal and complicated) or some dominant butch into whips and thumb screws. Other tan that OK. But I don't pry. It's a downer to learn these things from them or by reputation from others. And that's just for me. Everyone else is welcome to their own set of preferences.

[Thegameoflife]

It depends on the person. So you're entitled to judge someone on their sexual past. A question that occurs to me is are you entitled to know their sexual past or pester them until they spill it all? Personally I don't want to know everything or even all that much. I frankly have reservations about women who worked as strippers and won't go with an ex ho, a bi-sexual (sorry, it's personal and complicated) or some dominant butch into whips and thumb screws. Other tan that OK. But I don't pry. It's a downer to learn these things from them or by reputation from others. And that's just for me. Everyone else is welcome to their own set of preferences.

 

I agree with you here. I don't see any value in knowing a partners past. As long as they're clean, and not living a lifestyle that isn't congruent with mine. If they were wild, and want to tame down; I would respect this as long as they're not misleading me.

[DarrenK]

Look at your first line: You are tired of this subject.

Then quit posting about it.

 

And if by all the sluts (your wife) leaving those of you with values alone...keep in mind you chose her!

 

Your constant rambling on the subject would give one the impression you are not tired of it....maybe even obsessing over it? Keep out of the psychology books and websites.

At this point it would appear you have some sort of mental issue and should seek help.

 

You come across as insecure, a inferiority complex, immature and of low education as you seem the have problems with spelling in all of your posts.

 

And BTW......I'm sure we all buy just how handsome you are

 

 

 

Lol here we go again another hater attacking me for judging but your doing the same thing and I'm not surprised you don't care about numbers !your most likely a promiscuous guy that's been around the block and could careless.

 

 

As for me no I'm not a hypocrite and I have morals I value love and relationship .and here's a picture of me you can judge if I'm some ugly dude as you claim?

 

 

I get angry because people always attack the victim .

Let me lay this out for you I did not dig for details I actulluy was drilled by her on my past she said she was cheated on several times and she was worried I was the player type based on my looks and attention from women but I was not like that .i answered honestly and treated her amazing for years ..

 

 

I fell in love with her based on LIES she told me everything she could to get me interested in her she lied and lied and lied some more about everything not just sex.she hid money she talked to ex **** buddies behind my back she added men on Facebook she used to fu%# but insisted I never have female friends or talk to women she stopped having sex ,started treating me horrible ,I had three surgeries on my larynx and was never there to help me out during that.

 

 

I spent my entire adult life trying to be a good dude that respected women.

I didn't sleep around I only had sex with those I truly cared for .i still remember her talking trash about girls that slept around and how "they were trashy"those are her words !she said she slept with ten guys I was ok with that it seemed reasonible .she also said she never did one night stands ,she said she never did lesbian things or 3 ways 'she stated "those people that do that have no values in themselves "these are her words !lol

 

 

So heres the real truth!she admitted to at least 25+guys she had 3 ways .orgies,two men in same night,screwing a guy in the ass with a dildo!!eating a women out,having sex with men that were 30 when she was 16'screwing a young kid just to take his virginity ,giving blow jobs to guys she barly knew,getting chlamydia 3times!!!dating and marrying a gang member ,lieing to him to have kids saying she could not get pregnet because of a disease she had!

 

 

She dated drug dealers ,gang members ,drug addicts ,she was involved in money scams ,arrested for lying to police hindering prosecution ,she slept with engaged,and guys with girlfriends in the other women's bed!

She even took me on my birthday to the Restaurant where we met and knowingly had a guy she used to screw be our waiter !!i had no clue I went there a few times she never said a thing!!..?

Bottom line she lied for her own selfish needs as she did her entire life of course I'm upset knowing I adopted her kids raised them as my own ,provided for her ,love ,kindness ,faithfulness ,I wanted true love I want a happy marriage ,I put up with her dis functional family,drugs,meth,let her family live in my house to help them,I gave my all for years because I believed she was like me and valued love,sex,relationship,

 

 

I can just say this I did absolutly nothing wrong and I'm not in the wrong for being angry or hurt! I wanted a classy girl a love story not Jerry springer .

[kimberlydoll]

Its okay to judge women for their past but not men.

 

I am a girl who doesnt sleep around and I dont want a guy who has a history of sleeping around. I get treated like a villain on this site for saying that. I dont hate people who are promiscuous, but they arent compatible with me.

 

JohnStiles- you are wrong. Every single guy I dated that had a promiscuous past either cheated on me, was more likely to cheat, was more impulsive and selfish than the guys I dated that DIDNT have a promoscious past. Guys that dont sleep around TEND to be better mannered (less cocky and less of an entitlement attitude) and more respectful towards women. Men that sleep around have little self control and tend to view women first as sex objects before human beings with thoughts and feelings. Thats why I avoid them. Good luck having a long term healthy relationship with a guy who has little self control and wont see you as a human being FIRST. I know there are exceptions and I have met a few, but they are EXCEPTIONS.

 

I have a very large circle of female friends by the way, and all of them had the same experiences when dating men that slept around alot in their past too, so it aint just me.

 

This goes both ways. A guy who has a lot of casual sex would not make a good Long Term Boyfriend (meaning past 1 year...) Guys that sleep around can appreciate a good girl when she comes along, but not for long. At some point, their tastes for sexual variety come back. All the manwhores I know that settled down with good woman lament over the loss of their sexcapades days. I would never ever ever want to get married and find out several years later my husband is bored of me and wants some new vaginas. I wont ever take that risk

 

If a guy has ever had an orgy or a threesome he is instantly nexted in my book. If he did that once, when you are married for a long time you can bet your ass he will expect YOU to do that...no thank you.

 

Whenever I read posts of slutty men expecting to find a good, purer girl to settle down with and marry I roll my eyes and laugh. Id feel very sorry for their non-slutty wife and think she can do better

Edited February 25, 2013 by kimberlydoll

[DarrenK]

Its okay to judge women for their past but not men.

 

I am a girl who doesnt sleep around and I dont want a guy who has a history of sleeping around. I get treated like a villain on this site for saying that. I dont hate people who are promiscuous, but they arent compatible with me.

 

JohnStiles- you are wrong. Every single guy I dated that had a promiscuous past either cheated on me, was more likely to cheat, was more impulsive and selfish than the guys I dated that DIDNT have a promoscious past. Guys that dont sleep around TEND to be better mannered (less cocky and less of an entitlement attitude) and more respectful towards women. Men that sleep around have little self control and tend to view women first as sex objects before human beings with thoughts and feelings. Thats why I avoid them. Good luck having a long term healthy relationship with a guy who has little self control and wont see you as a human being FIRST. I know there are exceptions and I have met a few, but they are EXCEPTIONS.

 

I have a very large circle of female friends by the way, and all of them had the same experiences when dating men that slept around alot in their past too, so it aint just me.

 

This goes both ways. A guy who has a lot of casual sex would not make a good Long Term Boyfriend (meaning past 1 year...) Guys that sleep around can appreciate a good girl when she comes along, but not for long. At some point, their tastes for sexual variety come back. All the manwhores I know that settled down with good woman lament over the loss of their sexcapades days. I would never ever ever want to get married and find out several years later my husband is bored of me and wants some new vaginas. I wont ever take that risk

 

If a guy has ever had an orgy or a threesome he is instantly nexted in my book. If he did that once, when you are married for a long time you can bet your ass he will expect YOU to do that...no thank you.

 

Whenever I read posts of slutty men expecting to find a good, purer girl to settle down with and marry I roll my eyes and laugh. Id feel very sorry for their non-slutty wife and think she can do better

 

I 100% agree with your post and am glad to get a womens side to this:) your obviously a classy girl and I agree imagine being me a guy that my whole life wanted to find that goodgirl type and I didn't sleep around so I'm not a hypocrite at all .

 

See in my opinion those that sleep around say "past is past"and so on so they can avoid there poor choices .they often call us judgmental and others names because we have standards and when I show that I'm right they don't respond !they say its nature is a natural thing to want to sleep around " if it feels good and theres no stds then who cares?lol

Well as you greatly pointed out people of both sexses do care! And psychological docs agree promiscuity is a sighn of many issues and the higher the number the more issues .I've said this there's a reason Porn stars and strippers are where they they have a bad upbrining and have major issues .

[DarrenK]

Its okay to judge women for their past but not men.

 

I am a girl who doesnt sleep around and I dont want a guy who has a history of sleeping around. I get treated like a villain on this site for saying that. I dont hate people who are promiscuous, but they arent compatible with me.

 

JohnStiles- you are wrong. Every single guy I dated that had a promiscuous past either cheated on me, was more likely to cheat, was more impulsive and selfish than the guys I dated that DIDNT have a promoscious past. Guys that dont sleep around TEND to be better mannered (less cocky and less of an entitlement attitude) and more respectful towards women. Men that sleep around have little self control and tend to view women first as sex objects before human beings with thoughts and feelings. Thats why I avoid them. Good luck having a long term healthy relationship with a guy who has little self control and wont see you as a human being FIRST. I know there are exceptions and I have met a few, but they are EXCEPTIONS.

 

I have a very large circle of female friends by the way, and all of them had the same experiences when dating men that slept around alot in their past too, so it aint just me.

 

This goes both ways. A guy who has a lot of casual sex would not make a good Long Term Boyfriend (meaning past 1 year...) Guys that sleep around can appreciate a good girl when she comes along, but not for long. At some point, their tastes for sexual variety come back. All the manwhores I know that settled down with good woman lament over the loss of their sexcapades days. I would never ever ever want to get married and find out several years later my husband is bored of me and wants some new vaginas. I wont ever take that risk

 

If a guy has ever had an orgy or a threesome he is instantly nexted in my book. If he did that once, when you are married for a long time you can bet your ass he will expect YOU to do that...no thank you.

 

Whenever I read posts of slutty men expecting to find a good, purer girl to settle down with and marry I roll my eyes and laugh. Id feel very sorry for their non-slutty wife and think she can do better

 

I totaled agree men shouldbe judged just as women .and having standards is a good thing your obviously a classy girl.

[kimberlydoll]

 

Promiscuity in men is a very different matter. The above issues don't usually apply. It's promiscuous women that you have to worry about.

 

I disagree with you on that one. Read my post above. I have found consistent themes of entitlement, immaturity, selfishness and lack of self control (this last one being the most important) among promiscuous men. These traits do not work in a healthy long term relationship so I avoid promiscuous men like the plague.

Edited February 26, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Fixed quote

[Nyla]

DarrenK, you know that I support your right to have your preferences.

 

I have asked several times what you are going to do about this situation.

 

Posting on LS is not going to solve the problem.

 

Have you talked to your wife about this?

 

Where is your relationship at right now? Do you want a divorce?

 

FYI, I had a very strict and sexist upbringing but I still went through a promiscuous phase. I had low self esteem from being sexually abused both as a child and an adult. Anyone who thinks I should be "harshly judged" as I acted out the effects of abuse is short-sighted and lacks compassion.

 

My husband is an evolved and intelligent man without a madonna/whore complex. I have no desire to be unfaithful to him and he is happy that he was special enough to tame me.

[Eggplant]

Distinction: It is one thing to judge a potential life partner for his or her sexual past. It is another thing to judge another person unrelated to you whatsoever.

 

If a stranger sleeps around, what's it to you? He/she is not asking you to marry him or her. One should respect that person's freedom to live his or her own life. No need to denigrate that person's intrinsic worth as a human being.

 

By contrast, it is absolutely acceptable to reject a potential marriage partner based on his or her sexual past. That preference if your prerogative. It's disgusting that your wife lied to you about something which is so clearly important to you. She betrayed you.

[DarrenK]

DarrenK, you know that I support your right to have your preferences.

 

I have asked several times what you are going to do about this situation.

 

Posting on LS is not going to solve the problem.

 

Have you talked to your wife about this?

 

Where is your relationship at right now? Do you want a divorce?

 

FYI, I had a very strict and sexist upbringing but I still went through a promiscuous phase. I had low self esteem from being sexually abused both as a child and an adult. Anyone who thinks I should be "harshly judged" as I acted out the effects of abuse is short-sighted and lacks compassion.

 

My husband is an evolved and intelligent man without a madonna/whore complex. I have no desire to be unfaithful to him and he is happy that he was special enough to tame me.

 

Well at this point I feel so hurt and betrayed by her lies and her mistreatment for so long that divorce seems inevitable at this point I've tried everything .

 

And to respond to you opening up and sharing your life I'm sort you were hurt and molested and that's tragic my wife was molested and acted out with older men in high school like 30 year olds when she was 16 ...I understand low self esteem and as a guy that was molested by by own brother I know it hurts but not all people that experiance sexual abuse then act promiscus yes some and for the short term but to blame a lifetime of horrible decisions and casual sex on being molested is foolish and I'm sorry but just not true every day we have choices and like my best friend was beaten growing up but he never was a violent guy growing up !!or now? Statistics are there to say that making those choices to be promiscuous damages future relationships and those people do tend to have obvious charictaistics that or off putting to others.

 

I'm in no way saying all promiscuous people are evil ,or worthless or so on I'm simply saying everyone gets judged and the majority of society view the man or women that will just open there legs for a stranger as not attractive for a relationship .i believe they can live as they want and do as they want just like drugies and criminal but don't be surprised to be judged ?my counseler agrees its not a healthy lifestyle and is unsafe and in her opinion very sad that a women would not love herself more then that to allow her body to be used or if she is seeking just sex to fill a void that's sad and a Huge red flag.

 

You take are and hope your days going gret

[Nyla]

Well at this point I feel so hurt and betrayed by her lies and her mistreatment for so long that divorce seems inevitable at this point I've tried everything .

 

And to respond to you opening up and sharing your life I'm sort you were hurt and molested and that's tragic my wife was molested and acted out with older men in high school like 30 year olds when she was 16 ...I understand low self esteem and as a guy that was molested by by own brother I know it hurts but not all people that experiance sexual abuse then act promiscus yes some and for the short term but to blame a lifetime of horrible decisions and casual sex on being molested is foolish and I'm sorry but just not true every day we have choices and like my best friend was beaten growing up but he never was a violent guy growing up !!or now? Statistics are there to say that making those choices to be promiscuous damages future relationships and those people do tend to have obvious charictaistics that or off putting to others.

 

I'm in no way saying all promiscuous people are evil ,or worthless or so on I'm simply saying everyone gets judged and the majority of society view the man or women that will just open there legs for a stranger as not attractive for a relationship .i believe they can live as they want and do as they want just like drugies and criminal but don't be surprised to be judged ?my counseler agrees its not a healthy lifestyle and is unsafe and in her opinion very sad that a women would not love herself more then that to allow her body to be used or if she is seeking just sex to fill a void that's sad and a Huge red flag.

 

You take are and hope your days going gret

 

It's not someone's fault if they become damaged because of abuse. However, it is their fault if they stay that way. I didn't want to live that lifestyle anymore and so I made a change. Most men think that it is okay for them to sleep around, but a woman should never do the same thing. Thank God my husband isn't a pig like that and neither are you, DarrenK.

 

Get a divorce if you cannot handle the situation. I agree that your wife should have been honest with you; few things cause more scorn than lies and being misled. I dated some men who tried to hide their children, ages and criminal records from me. They thought I was stupid but I always found out and dumped them for being dishonest, as well as my preference for men who were not parents or criminals.

[Nyla]

Yes and that is why I sought therapy and changed my ways. It is much harder to react to abuse in a healthy way when you don't know any better.

 

I actually had some standards when I was going through that phase of my life. I never had unprotected sex with any of the men I slept with. If I knew a man was married or otherwise attached, I wouldn't be intimate with him. Men who were involved in criminal activity were also not allowed in my bed. I also wasn't on the prowl every day, every week or even every month. I had more FWB's than one night stands.

 

Regardless of what I have done in the past, I am glad that DarrenK has decided that he cannot be happy with someone who lies. The mere thought of being lied to by someone I love turns my stomach. His wife is a dishonest imposter.

[BetheButterfly]

Maybe some women don't like to see other women being put down for how many people they have slept with.

 

People don't become promiscuous only because of emotional insecurity. Childhood sexual abuse is often a factor and even though sexual acting out is self destructive, I have sympathy for those who act out because abuse taught them that they are not worth more than sex.

 

Those are very good points.

 

OP,

i think it's ok to want to know the truth about one's past, but thinking they are horrible for having sex with other people is not helpful.

 

There are many ladies who want to let go of the grip of their past and truly love a wonderful man and be truly loved by him. They don't deserve being branded as a slut and cast aside.

 

I personally don't think men who are caring and loving would cast aside a woman who was abused and/or had a promiscuous lifestyle. I think a caring and loving man would rather get to know her and see what her present and future goals in life are and if he wants to live with her and her with him.

 

My husband has had many more sexual partners than me. He was not abused as a child, but he was a like "free love hippie" lol in his 20s. I am so glad I didn't simply dismiss him as a "slut" or "player" but rather got to know him after he told me about his past. He has repented of his past and does not want to live like that anymore. I really appreciate that he was honest with me. I told him my past too. (I was married for around 5 years before but divorced, then had a few sexual encounters before marrying him.)

 

We love each other and are faithful to each other, and the past of both of us is known and forgiven. What is important now is our present and future!!!

 

Our present and future is what we make of it!!!

[DarrenK]

Those are very good points.

 

OP,

i think it's ok to want to know the truth about one's past, but thinking they are horrible for having sex with other people is not helpful.

 

There are many ladies who want to let go of the grip of their past and truly love a wonderful man and be truly loved by him. They don't deserve being branded as a slut and cast aside.

 

I personally don't think men who are caring and loving would cast aside a woman who was abused and/or had a promiscuous lifestyle. I think a caring and loving man would rather get to know her and see what her present and future goals in life are and if he wants to live with her and her with him.

 

My husband has had many more sexual partners than me. He was not abused as a child, but he was a like "free love hippie" lol in his 20s. I am so glad I didn't simply dismiss him as a "slut" or "player" but rather got to know him after he told me about his past. He has repented of his past and does not want to live like that anymore. I really appreciate that he was honest with me. I told him my past too. (I was married for around 5 years before but divorced, then had a few sexual encounters before marrying him.)

 

We love each other and are faithful to each other, and the past of both of us is known and forgiven. What is important now is our present and future!!!

 

Our present and future is what we make of it!!!

 

Thanks for your respone maybe you haven't read my personal story but please don't assume or project your ideas about me .

First my wifes past never bothered me before because everything she told me was a lie everything I heard were illusions .I don't think if a women has been with others shes a SLUT or messed up I don't think a sex life is bad ..but I do view having sex with gangmembers and thugs as messed up I do think leaving your children at moms house most weekends to party get drunk and sleep around is not healthy for herself or her kids .me seeing pictures of her exs throwing up gang sighns with her kids which I adopted in the pictures!

Or sleeping with a drug dealer that carried a gun the first night with your dad saying downstairs is right? Or having two guys have sex with you in a feild the fist night you met them ?or having sex with a man u work with knowing he has a girlfriend and your friends with the girl too! Having 18 sex flings ?then when we met she would go on and on about how trashy girls made her sick and asked me a million questions about my past which I was 100%honest

 

She also was emotionally abusive to me and was extremely sexually distant to me?

How does that not kill me inside?I'm 6"3 in shape ,hansom ,loving always been there for her to matter what? Of course I'm upset I've gone years with barely having sex ?

 

I tried to give her everything I could to be loving ..I'm actually sad jusr remembering these memories ..her friends would comment how I was so amazing and she never saw it ?

 

Then I found out she lied to me about everything sexually and I was ripped apart inside ..the combination of knowing she misled me and lied about things she know i felt strongly about ,and the disgust of knowing the types of men she was with ,guys that were in prison ,gangs,drugies,one cnn even did a story about he raped 10 women !!she was giving her body to horrible men and doing disgusting acts not with a loving boyfriend or husband but scumbags ! She screwed a guy in the ass with a strap on ?she pisses on a guy ..she did everything nothing is special to me ..nothing feels right inside I'm not a mean guy I respect sex in relationships but I'm sorry I'm hurt inside .

 

And personally we allhave deal breakers nyla said she didn't want a guy that had a kid or criminal past ?some would say people change ?so on and so on ...my brother was in prison for seven years and he now is making a freat living married kids and runs a homeless shelter :)but hey ?my point is I personally can't handle her past it makescme sick

[2sure]

I think that when partners are younger and just starting out looking for that one life partner...if a persons sexual past is something you really want to know, tell them that and you have every right to expect honesty.

 

But truly, I'm 48, and I have the experience to know that people change so many times during life...that who a person was at 20 or 30...it just doesn't hold a lot of importance.