achristine55 Posted January 20, 2013 Posted January 20, 2013 To begin with, I am so sorry this is such a long post, but I wanted to make sure I got all the important information out there. Just some background info: We are both 23 and dated for about 6 months. He’s in the military and I work full time and I’m a full time student. He’s had a lot going on, and because of it there were 6 weeks where we didn’t get to see each other (he lives an hour away from me), but we kept in contact and he was always very reassuring, telling me that things were going to get better between us after we got through this tough time. In the middle of December, I finally got to see him and things were wonderful between us. He promised we would never have to go that long without seeing each other again. He was so loving and reassuring, I felt really good about things and felt like we were finally making strides to bettering our relationship. He was constantly calling and texting me, telling me how much he loved and missed me. We saw each other twice, and made plans to see one another a few days later. Something came up, and we weren’t able to get together the night we had planned. I was upset, not overly upset, but I was still disappointed I couldn’t see him and was worried we were going to fall back into the same habit we were in before and I wouldn’t get to see him for another few weeks. He assured me that wasn’t going to happen, and we made plans to get together 2 nights later. I saw him, and things seemed to be OK between us, although I will admit he seemed to be a little distant towards me (this was the weekend before New Years). For the next few days after this visit, he seemed like he was going cold, wasn’t calling or texting me as much, but was still telling me he loved me when we talked. New Years Day we didn’t talk at all, which wasn’t unusual for us because there had been days before where we wouldn’t communicate, this had just been the first day since we had started seeing each other again that he hadn’t contacted me at all. The next day he sent me a text wishing me a Happy New Year, although it felt impersonal and he didn’t use any terms of endearment. I was afraid I was losing him, and (stupidly, I know), sent him a break up text. I told him that I felt he was going cold on me and I didn’t understand why, that I wanted to talk with him about it but I knew he had a lot going on. He didn’t respond. Several days went by and I heard nothing from him, until I dropped off a birthday present I had for him at his house. I didn’t get to see him, he had just left, but we communicated a little that night because I wanted to make sure he had gotten it. I told him that I still loved him, and that I hoped that maybe we could talk sometime about things. He told me that we would talk once everything in his life calmed down, but that he didn’t want me hurting anymore until he could be more dedicated. I had bought him tickets to go see one of his favorite musicians for Christmas, and the concert was the following weekend (this last weekend), so a few days after we talked about the birthday present, I texted him and asked him if he still wanted to go with me. He told me that this was why he had always asked me not to do these nice things for him, and I told him that I didn’t expect “us” to end so soon and this way. He told me that I ended it because I felt like he was acting cold and distant, that he wasn’t, that he was just trying to focus on getting things calmed down on his end so that if I’m still single he can give me what I deserve. I told him that I felt he was going cold on me, and that instead of talking to him and asking him what was wrong, I got scared and pulled the plug on the relationship, which I never should have done. I told him that I wasn’t going to beg and plead and kick and scream, but that I wished he would give us another chance, that we had already been through so much and I had stood by him through everything. He never responded, so the next day I sent him another text just telling him that I hoped he got everything worked out, and to take care. That night he called me. I didn’t answer so he sent me a text just telling me that he had used his birthday present for the first time, and told me all the things he had been doing with it (it’s a bike). I wrote back telling him that was awesome, and that I was glad he was enjoying it. He sent me 3 more texts about it, but I didn’t reply. Two days later ( the day of the concert), he sent me a text telling me that he had gotten hurt for the first time using the bike. I wrote back several hours later telling him that’s what pads are for. Then, that night at the concert, he sent me a text telling me that he wished he was there with me because work was really boring. I didn’t respond. He sent me another text in the morning telling me he only had one more hour left of work he hoped. I responded a few hours later telling him how great the concert was, how much fun I had, and that I hoped he was doing well. He never responded. Three days later(yesterday), he sent me a picture of himself. No caption, no explanation, nothing said, just the picture. It took me a few times to look at it to realize that he had gotten his arm tattooed and that’s why he sent it. I haven’t responded. This brings me to my question. I want him back. I made a huge mistake, and I want to work things out, but he has made it clear I guess that he doesn’t want the same. I have done a lot of reading, and I know the significance of No Contact. From what I understand, I need to not initiate contact with him for at least 3 weeks, that gives him time to miss me, then I start slowly initiating contact. But it’s so hard with him texting me every few days. I’ve thought about calling him and telling him that he’s made it very clear he doesn’t want to be in a relationship with me, which I totally respect and understand, but that I need to move on and get over everything, which means he needs to stop texting me and he needs to leave me alone. That we can’t be friends and we can’t casually communicate like this. But I’m afraid that will turn him off for good and ruin any chances I have of getting back together. So, I just don’t know what to do. I’ve always been there for him and been readily available, so I don’t know if I should make him come after me and chase me, or if I should set some boundaries and tell him to stop contacting me. I don’t know if I should pursue him at all? I’m worried if I just keep ignoring him or not responding so much to his texts, he’ll get bored, think I’m moving on, and in turn do the same. He told me when we first started dating he doesn’t pursue, but I feel like if a guy really likes you they will let you know, right? And I’ve made it clear that I love him and want to get back together, right? Help!
marigo Posted January 20, 2013 Posted January 20, 2013 (edited) Hey christine, i'm sorry your going through this. I know how confusing things can be especially when you still have feelings for your ex. It feels like the next step is a matter of life and death. It's even harder when your heart wants something but your mind is trying to fight it. I personally wouldn't have broken up with a guy for being cold and distant without really having the talk on what is going on with him. I know you tried asking him but maybe I would've approached it differently than breaking it off. He's a guy and when a guy has a problem they like to solve it themselves and prefer not to talk about it unlike us girls. If he does want to talk about it, he will come to you when he's ready. I think something was going on with him at the time that's why he kept saying "when things calmed down." Did he ever tell you what it is? I think your actions may be confusing him too. He would text you but you won't respond. And I know he's doing the same. Anyway, i don't think you should really use no contact as a way of getting him back. Yes, we want them to miss us and making them feel what life is like without us. But if it doesn't end the way you want it to, you will end up getting even more hurt. No contact is used as a way for you to move on with your life and give you the time to heal. It's hard to heal when you're constantly talking to the person because each time it's like reopening the wounds. During no contact, you are able to reflect on yourself, your actions and your relationship in general. Maybe even realize that this is a relationship not worth going back to. Have you talked to him about getting back together? What does he say? You need to make a decision if you want to wait, be friends with him, or completely move on with your life first and heal, and from there you can decide if you still want him in your life as your friend or not. I am going through something similar but before my ex and i started talking again, we completely stopped talking for 4 months and it made me reflect on the kind of relationship i want. I love him and i want us to get back together BUT there has to be changes for it to work this time. I wouldn't settle this time. I never thought I would say this but not talking to him made me realize a lot of things. Edited January 20, 2013 by marigo
fiat500 Posted January 22, 2013 Posted January 22, 2013 well achristine55... here is my advice. you did waaaaayyyy too many things wrong (which is understandable) and became waaaay too much for this guy and didn't give him the chance to make it up to you nor did you give him space to settle whatever he was going through. if a guy has a lot on his plate then DISAPPEAR or RUN AWAY QUICKLY. Sticking around, being accessible to him, constantly texting, or even giving him a pseudo ultimatum breakup text to get him to give you attention is a bad idea and is ALWAYS, ALWAYS a huge turn off. i know when a guy goes cold your heart panics and you want to desperately hold on to him, but it's a basic instinct that sabotages most relationships i have experience in situations like this because i made the same mistakes you did. DON'T BUY A GUY GIFTS or bend over backwards for him if you know he's got a lot on his plate and won't be able to return the favor. In fact: DON'T BUY A GUY A GIFT UNTIL HE GIVES YOU ONE FIRST is a great rule of thumb. it puts way too much pressure on a guy if you're the first to get him something. you're doing all the work for him so why should he be excited? i'm not saying turn into a cold person, but you have to wait on certain cues from him. if he's pulling away, PULL AWAY right back. And if it doesn't work out, it doesn't work out. Also, it's natural for a dude to want time to himself. if he's not being lovey dovey then don't assume you're automatically losing him. it's crazy to send him a break up text when you KNEW he had some things to settle. But it's okay. Such is life and lessons need to be learned. also for next time: PLEASE DON'T GIVE A GUY A PRESENT AFTER BREAKING UP WITH HIM. You're basically telling a guy you're flaky and invaluable. or crazy. if you want him to contact you again, take him out of your phone and forget about him. go no contact. the damage on your side is done, now following through is your best course of action. no contact will make him think of you. on the brighter side of things: if he doesn't contact you, then it's his loss. you can find a man that will appreciate your time and effort and hopefully be more mature about communicating to you and making you understand that he wants his space.
Recommended Posts