indasuck Posted January 20, 2013 Posted January 20, 2013 I guess you could say that I'm both a WS and a BS. Over the last 2 half years my wife and I have been slowly drifting apart due to a number of different things. I didn't know how to support her emotionally after the 4th miscarriage and we just shut each other out emotionally. I started chatting with my wife and I's mutual friend and it progressed to sexual things. We knew we would never get together because we loved our spouses but it felt good to talk to someone about things my wife and I weren't talking about. I would tell her somethings we chatted about but never the whole truth. This past August I went TDY (temporary duty for the Air Force) back to the states for some job training. During the phone calls back home, I started to suspect that she might have cheated on me. I decided not to worry about it and just trust she didn't. About a month after I got home, she came to me crying and admitted that she slept with one of my friends. I told my first sergeant in order to get a no contact order put in so they couldn't see each other anymore. That's when she told me she lied about who it was and she wasn't going to tell me who it was that she slept with. Over X-mas, she found out that I hadn't told her the whole truth about our conversations and said she wanted a 6 month separation. So we're living under the same roof, taking care of our daughter, and sharing the house work; all while sleeping in separate rooms and not having sex... I'm at a loss at how to regain my integrity if you will. She says I'm not sorry because I got caught and wasn't honest. Truth is, everyday I see more and more how I caused our marriage to fail. Everyday I dread coming home to see the mess that I helped create. I still love my wife, I wouldn't dream of cheating on her. I just need to convince her of that fact... Any suggestions on how to fix my situation...I'm not worried about fixing her, I need to focus on myself.
2sunny Posted January 20, 2013 Posted January 20, 2013 Wait - you wouldn't dream of cheating on her - but you already did. What is it? You can't do both without being the liar.
Author indasuck Posted January 20, 2013 Author Posted January 20, 2013 Wait - you wouldn't dream of cheating on her - but you already did. What is it? You can't do both without being the liar. True.. I guess I wasn't clear enough. What I meant I wasn't going to cheat on her physically during our separation. I haven't cheated on her physically yet and I don't intend to. I cut the OW off and am maintaining NC pretty much with any women right now till I get myself figured out.
BetrayedH Posted January 20, 2013 Posted January 20, 2013 You're both what are known as, madhatters. You're both BS and WS. As much as you might think you could both just decide to forgive and forget, it doesn't work that way. Instead, it is exponentially more difficult to reconcile. Not only do you have to rebuild trust after you've betrayed your spouse but you have to do all that work for someone that you don't trust because they betrayed you. Survivinginfidelity.com has a section for madhatters. You shoud look it up. I do find it encouraging that you're being introspective, wanting to work on yourself. That may be THE biggest step in reconciling because it shows that you "get it." I can't write a lot at the moment. Instead, I would ask you to list what you have done to repair the damage that you've caused. It's slower here on the weekends but you'll find some good help here. Tell us more so we can get specific. (You'll also get some brutal advice - take what works for you and leave the rest).
Author indasuck Posted January 20, 2013 Author Posted January 20, 2013 You're both what are known as, madhatters. You're both BS and WS. As much as you might think you could both just decide to forgive and forget, it doesn't work that way. Instead, it is exponentially more difficult to reconcile. Not only do you have to rebuild trust after you've betrayed your spouse but you have to do all that work for someone that you don't trust because they betrayed you. Survivinginfidelity.com has a section for madhatters. You shoud look it up. I do find it encouraging that you're being introspective, wanting to work on yourself. That may be THE biggest step in reconciling because it shows that you "get it." I can't write a lot at the moment. Instead, I would ask you to list what you have done to repair the damage that you've caused. It's slower here on the weekends but you'll find some good help here. Tell us more so we can get specific. (You'll also get some brutal advice - take what works for you and leave the rest). Thanks I'll check it out. I think the biggest thing for me to come to grips with is that my "relationship" with my friend (now Ex-friend) was an affair. I guess previously my though process was as long as it wasn't physical, it didn't count. I guess I'm still coming around... If you have any questions so you can help me with this, I'll gladly try to answer them. In short I'm asking for brutal answers, that is what will help me start to work through this "****hole" I've helped to create.
2sunny Posted January 20, 2013 Posted January 20, 2013 I'm glad you clarified that. And happy to hear you cut contact with your OW. Are you two in counseling - marriage counseling? How willing is your wife in repairing the damaged M? How transparent is she being with you?
2sunny Posted January 20, 2013 Posted January 20, 2013 (edited) You may learn a bit about your affair if you read the book "Not Just Friends". Did your W have sex with her OM...and is she even sorry she did it? Edited January 20, 2013 by 2sunny
Author indasuck Posted January 20, 2013 Author Posted January 20, 2013 I asked my wife what she expects of me over the next 6 months and what she would like to see me work on. Her response was that she wasn't going to tell me because then I would only change what she wanted changed and I wouldn't truly change. So I'm going in blind, hoping to change enough so we can work things out. Yes, she did have a physical affair with her OM, and she says she's sorry for it. However, friends have told me that she knows she has the option to pick up where she left off whenever she wants with at least 2 guys (she only told me about 1) We started marriage counseling, but she doesn't want to go back to the one we were going to because according to her, the counselor was taking my side. I didn't see it that way, especially since he gave it to me pretty hard the first few weeks!
BetrayedH Posted January 20, 2013 Posted January 20, 2013 There is a thread "pinned" at the top of the Infidelity forum, "Things that every WS needs to know" or something like that. Start there. I second Sunny's recommendation of the book, Not Just Friends. That's a no brainer. It's a long book but it's irreplacable. Perhaps a good first read might be a short and simple one, How to Help My Spouse Heal from My Affair. While you're at survivinginfidelity.com, be sure to read and/or post on their wayward forum. There are a lot of fWSs (former wayward spouses) there that are flat out excellent. It's good you are acknowledging your EA for what it is, an affair. Given six months, you can do your part in this. In my mind, it takes two things to reconcile after infidelity: a truly remorseful wayward spouse and a truly forgiving betrayed spouse. We can help you immensely in demonstrating that first part. I have no idea of the mindset of your BS or if she can forgive. The challenge here is that your wife must also be truly remorseful and you must also be truly forgiving. And you can't forgive her before she demonstrates her remorse, regardless of your guilt over your own affair. It's messy. I think it's best to consider them two separate scenarios altogether. I'm swamped today but again, keep reading and posting.
BetrayedH Posted January 20, 2013 Posted January 20, 2013 I am curious what agreement you came to over your in-house separation. Will she be "dating other people" during? That needs clarification. If she is just going to be doing her own thing, she's not doing her part to rebuild trust at all. There are things required of a WS that is attempting to reconcile and one them is transparency with her life. You need to do the same (we'll get to that). But again, you cannot forgive until she is truly remorseful. There need to be agreements in place during this separation or my advice to you is going to change altogether. Make no mistake, the path to reconciliation exists but it is very long, very narrow, and it has landmines on both sides. If either of you are walking off the path, it's a huge risk.
2sunny Posted January 20, 2013 Posted January 20, 2013 If she still attached to her OM - she's not likely to try and repair the M.
BetrayedH Posted January 20, 2013 Posted January 20, 2013 If she still attached to her OM - she's not likely to try and repair the M. Yeah, "the option to pick up with two guys" when he only knew about one is not exactly encouraging. If she's not going to be honest from the start, i'd be morethan hesitant to do six months of work, just so I could have a chance at being option #3.
Thegameoflife Posted January 20, 2013 Posted January 20, 2013 Does everyone here smoke crack or something? Everyone is just answering to the way the original post was written. OP, why are you taking the brunt of this? You talked about sex with another woman, and she had sex with another man. I feel that you're a little delusional about her position. She's created the illusion in your head that she has owned up to her crime, told the truth, while you lied. Do you know why she ratted herself out? She ratted herself out to alleviate her guilt, meanwhile, hurting you emotionally in the process. Essentially, she made you feel bad for what she did. This isn't right, and she's a horrible person to do this to you. She is not the good person here. Now you didn't lie to her, you just kept it from her. Your reason is that you didn't want to hurt her, so you dealt with your guilt on your own to save her from what you did. What you did was shady on your part, but noble in how you didn't hurt her to help yourself. People who truly care about their SO, don't rat themselves to clear their conscience at the other person's expense. Not giving out information freely isn't lying. However, a person who cares also comes clean if caught. You've let her convince you that she's the bad person. From my perspective, she emotionally shut off and pushed you away. You confided in another woman to vent your frustration. You formed a bond with this woman that was turning physical, but you resisted and shut it down. She then confided in another man and slept with them. No wonder she thinks the therapists are on your side. Technically, you made some poor choices, but never actually cheated on your wife. You feel remorseful and want to fix yourself. She cheated on you, and then washed her conscience clean by telling you, breaking your trust, and emotionally hurt you. She also took a great deal of effort in shifting all the blame onto you in the process. What an absolutely horrible person. I would just leave her. You can forgive her for what she did, and be a good dad to your daughter; but don't forget the fact that she would throw you under the bus to feel better. That's really messed up.
Author indasuck Posted January 21, 2013 Author Posted January 21, 2013 Does everyone here smoke crack or something? Everyone is just answering to the way the original post was written. OP, why are you taking the brunt of this? You do have a point. The point she makes very clear to me and everyone of her friends is that I had this "relationship" with this woman for about a year and half. Granted it didn't cross the line till later on, but that's when we started talking regularly. She, on the other hand, only had an emotional affair for a few months and then a one night stand..supposedly (not sure on the details there) The way I look at it, and I might be completely wrong, is that if I had been focusing on us we wouldn't be in this situation. If cheating had a scales, I think she would outweigh me, but it doesn't. I just want to know how to fix myself and find other people who might be able to help me. I ordered some of the books suggested on here, hopefully those will help.
2sunny Posted January 21, 2013 Posted January 21, 2013 Is your W also owning HER bad behavior and doing things to change herself?
Thegameoflife Posted January 21, 2013 Posted January 21, 2013 Honestly, I don't think communication broke down on one side, but both. You both need to work on that.
Author indasuck Posted January 22, 2013 Author Posted January 22, 2013 I think my W owns some of it, but is still blaming me for the majority of everything. SHe found a personal counselor that takes her side on pretty much everything, but we have yet to find a marriage counselor that takes her side, or "remains neutral." I agree that communication broke down on both ends. I'm not sure how to go about fixing that when I'm pretty much cooped up in a small bedroom because she doesn't want to see me. Since we're overseas, the military won't split us up due to costs, so she really has no choice but to put up with me for the time being.
2sunny Posted January 22, 2013 Posted January 22, 2013 If she's still intending to see her OM - the M won't work.
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