ow9 Posted January 20, 2013 Posted January 20, 2013 So today was not a good day and I just feel like I need some support from my LS friends. The exH came over this morning and of course was playing his mind games. Next week I will be moving 1500 miles away to "start over." The exH said he still loves me and wants to come visit me. I thought by moving away I would be done with him. So no shock there... more drama. One of the gentleman that interviewed me for my transfer to my new location has been very helpful. We hit it off immediately and I was looking forward to working with him. He has called me a few times at night and I did feel that was odd but didn't look too far into it and reassured myself that I wouldn't fall back to where I used to be (being an OW). Well, he just called me and told me that his W fell asleep early, so he took a shower and did something to thoughts of me. Wtf. Yup...he crossed the line. I quickly made up an excuse and got off the phone. Do I have an effing sign on my back?!
promises Posted January 20, 2013 Posted January 20, 2013 I'm sure you know this- but, if you are working with him that is sexual harassment. 5
Author ow9 Posted January 20, 2013 Author Posted January 20, 2013 I know! And I hate this. The problem is to get away from the exMM and the exH I wanted to move back home. My new location has family, and has friends. I felt I could finally get my life back. This guy will technically be my boss. So I didn't want to come off as rude because I so desperately wanted to move. Ugh. This is less than ideal. I cried all day over my exH and now this s***!!!!!
promises Posted January 20, 2013 Posted January 20, 2013 I know! And I hate this. The problem is to get away from the exMM and the exH I wanted to move back home. My new location has family, and has friends. I felt I could finally get my life back. This guy will technically be my boss. So I didn't want to come off as rude because I so desperately wanted to move. Ugh. This is less than ideal. I cried all day over my exH and now this s***!!!!! I'd call HR. You can still have your job and he'll most likely be removed as your boss/put on probation/or re-assigned. He might be let go. Your job is your lively-hood. Lay down the law. Tell him it was inappropriate. Take back your boundaries. 2
2sunny Posted January 20, 2013 Posted January 20, 2013 I know! And I hate this. The problem is to get away from the exMM and the exH I wanted to move back home. My new location has family, and has friends. I felt I could finally get my life back. This guy will technically be my boss. So I didn't want to come off as rude because I so desperately wanted to move. Ugh. This is less than ideal. I cried all day over my exH and now this s***!!!!! Just get a different job. Do not work with him! For future - do not answer work calls after hours- that sends a clear message that they can leave you a message! You should be willing to express your boundary as "that was out of line and completely inappropriate, don't call again!"
Author ow9 Posted January 20, 2013 Author Posted January 20, 2013 He doesn't know about my blog and last week I went back to my maiden name, so if he google me he probably didn't find me. That being said, I don't believe that previous conversations were flirtatious. However, my job is such a gray area. My new office has 26 employees. I am the only female. There is such a line between being a b**** and being flirtatious it's not even funny. Thank you so much for responding to this. Today has been such a bad day. I am terrified to call HR though. I love my job and after recent events with exH and exMM, it's all I have left.
promises Posted January 20, 2013 Posted January 20, 2013 I am terrified to call HR though. I love my job and after recent events with exH and exMM, it's all I have left. That's why you should fight for it. 1
buckeyeblue Posted January 20, 2013 Posted January 20, 2013 Yuck!! I agree that this is an HR issue. Nip this in the bud NOW.
Author ow9 Posted January 20, 2013 Author Posted January 20, 2013 So, I call HR. Do you think everything at my new office will be ok then? I am by no means a feminist but it is a man's world. I cannot jeopardize my career over this.
Author ow9 Posted January 20, 2013 Author Posted January 20, 2013 You probably do. SOme women project availability whereas others project the opposite-----don't you dare try. It is body language, speech, mannerisms, clothing, make up, fingernails, panty lines, etc. A very long list! But, it is clearly easy to see and evaluate. Oh no! I am available, aka single, but I need more explanation, Pierre. My therapist said, "I'm a b**** because I think every man I talk to is hitting on me. You're overly nice because you truly believe no man has hit on you. Ever." Is it possible I'm still that naive? Hit me with the honest truth.
Author ow9 Posted January 20, 2013 Author Posted January 20, 2013 She says I'm naive when it comes to men hitting on me. I am seriously scared of becoming a serial cheater because of that fact. Is that part of becoming a serial cheater: naivety? I am desperate to stop this before it starts.
2sunny Posted January 20, 2013 Posted January 20, 2013 She says I'm naive when it comes to men hitting on me. I am seriously scared of becoming a serial cheater because of that fact. Is that part of becoming a serial cheater: naivety? I am desperate to stop this before it starts. Have your therapist work with you on what a healthy, solid boundary looks like for you. You are ALLOWING things to happen that send a clear message - you want to start with that healthy boundary that helps you start sending a message that certain things are not acceptable to you. Use actions and words to convey that message clearly. We train people how to treat us - you've trained men that you can and will tolerate bad behavior (in your past) - you can change that moving forward. You are paying the counselor - tell him/her what you need to work on specifically. Sometimes it helps to write down what a healthy boundary would look like...and refer to the list often. For me, if a boss called me at night - I would simply listen to what may be so urgent - and respond firmly - "we can discuss business tomorrow at the office". THAT sends a clear message not to mess in your personal time and you only want business communication. 2
2sunny Posted January 20, 2013 Posted January 20, 2013 It was an example MF - no one said it was comparing except you. I'm allowed to type words that show IF I were in that situation...
Got it Posted January 20, 2013 Posted January 20, 2013 The proper thing was to notify HR. He was in the wrong not you and he is putting the company at tremendous risk. Not you. Repeat that until you believe it. HR will handle it under an order of confidentially. If done properly everyone involved in the instigation will sign a nondisclosure agreement so they don't discuss this. HR should ask you want you would like to see done. This doesn't mean they will do it but they should ask you. I would say, you do not want to work as his subordinate. He will be reprimanded and based on his history or any history in this company of harassment it could be punishable up to termination. Many companies, especially those successfully sued for harassment, take a very firm line on this and have zero tolerance. Even if he isn't terminated, if he or anyone else says or does anything pertaining to this issues towards you, the company should have a zero tolerance policy on retaliation. That will get the company in even hotter water if that is allowed to happen. While HR is there to enforce company policies. These are major policies for any company. You didn't do anything wrong. You did the right thing talking to HR. I hope they do their job and get this corrected. 1
ThatJustHappened Posted January 20, 2013 Posted January 20, 2013 (edited) I would HIGHLY recommend calling HR. When I was first starting out my boss's boss cornered me and tried to take my shirt off and stick his tongue down my throat. He was married with 2 daughters, one my age and one slightly older than me. I pushed him away and nothing happened. Cheating is widely accepted and very well covered up in my industry (usually) and I was too scared of losing my job to do anything about it. To make matters worse, when I told my direct female boss about it, she got angry at me, (I found out later that it was because she was actually sleeping with him..and also that she has facial herpes). Lucky for me, nothing else happened..I asked to be moved into a different department (which was what I had wanted anyway) and my request was granted. But I shudder to think what that man did to anyone else. I really and truly regret not telling HR what happened. Edited January 20, 2013 by ThatJustHappened
Author ow9 Posted January 20, 2013 Author Posted January 20, 2013 Exactly. This was finally my chance to start over and it begins with this crap. I am terrified to go to HR for that reason. It's all men. I was raped in the military a few years back; 10 months and 40 pounds later I finally told my superior officer. He said he didn't believe me and he asked me to leave, quietly. Later I found out he had an offer to work at the white house, and thus, didn't want something like this on his record. I haven't told the future boss that he's making me uncomfortable. If he crosses the line again, tell him off and see if that works? And if it doesn't go to HR then?
Realist3 Posted January 20, 2013 Posted January 20, 2013 So, I call HR. Do you think everything at my new office will be ok then? I am by no means a feminist but it is a man's world. I cannot jeopardize my career over this. You are in a very precarious position. You don't know his relationships with his, soon to be your, co-workers. If you as the new woman comes in from the beginning shaking this up within the office it will indeed be a very tense situation. I would hold off contacting HR until you are there. Tell him in no uncertain terms you are not interested. If he persists after you have been there for a few weeks then contact HR. It still won't be pretty, but at least you will have some solid footing.
ComingInHot Posted January 20, 2013 Posted January 20, 2013 OW9; I think, after everything you've posted, that you are a good person. I'm going to ask this as others have and just understand I am being totally sincere. Do you think, looking back on your life, that you have a flirtatious personality? I have seen some of my girlfriends flirt when I don't think they even knew they were* Their interactions between men & women changed Completely and in the blink of an eye depending on which sex they were interacting. And second, do you struggle w/low self worth? I'm asking this in a different way, so bare w/me.*
promises Posted January 20, 2013 Posted January 20, 2013 Exactly! See this all the time. Most men can see these women a mile away and they conclude that she is available and that she puts out right away. It is the whole package these women project. And sometimes they project this image on purpose, but sometimes they don't have a clue. A flirtatious personality does not instigate a boss masturbating to thoughts of his new employee and telling her about it after his wife goes to bed. 5
ComingInHot Posted January 20, 2013 Posted January 20, 2013 I was hoping OW9 would answer before others because I was worried my comment would well be turned a bit. I'm don't mean she'd just sleep w/others because she May be Flirty even unkowingly to herself but more like what Pierre said and in terms of OW9writing do I have a "sign on my back? Some men notice Flirty from afar and if they're MM they Do "hone" in on that. It's awful. Second, the self worth thing was more me asking in hopes of a reply to see if it was worth sharing something (a downfall of mine) about how my very best BEST friends actually had a wrong impression of me for years. It actually came out a few months ago at our girl's weekend and I was Mortified. Good thing we're too old and don't have the energy to waste on more drama so we ended up laughing/crying about it. I love girls' weekend*
promises Posted January 20, 2013 Posted January 20, 2013 Exactly! But, you assume all men are gentlemen. I assume most men are the opposite, actually.
Author ow9 Posted January 20, 2013 Author Posted January 20, 2013 No I didn't take that the wrong way at all. I never thought I had low self esteem; I always thought of it as being a realist. Yes, there are much prettier girls out there. I had a male friend tell me once I attract a specific crowd: the guy that wants to take me to a football game. There, he can show off his, "hot, smarter than most, one of the guys, girlfriend." The problem is, those guys are jerks. I never thought I was a flirt either. Oh, goodness. Is it possible I have low self esteem and am a flirt and not even know it?! Eff.
ComingInHot Posted January 20, 2013 Posted January 20, 2013 ow9; Okay, that helps me out so I can share. Remember EVERYBODY else, this was a long time ago I have always had decent self esteem in the fact that I had acknowledged & accepted I would Never be pretty enough, skinny enough tall enough, smart enough anything enough for any handsome "boy" then "guy" to ever think me more than a friend. Low self worth vs low self esteem* Life has a funny way of turning out doesn't it?! I am aging like a fine Wine* and turns out I was just a "late bloomer" Anyway, my point... Thinking the above really took the pressure off and made it Easy for me to talk to anyone and be friends w/all. Apparently and remember this was just cleared up 25 years later, my friends thought I was Flirty and I might make a move on their boys!!! RIDICULOUS!
Author ow9 Posted January 20, 2013 Author Posted January 20, 2013 That is very, very interesting. So do we think that maybe OWs who fall for MM are the type that go for the "bad boy?" When I first met my exMM, I ducked as I walked by him because he was speaking to someone and I didn't want to rudely interrupt his conversation. He is 6'4" and I am 5'1", so he responded, "there's no need to duck, midget." I called him an a****** but then we both started laughing. I knew from the second I met him he was a jerk... and was hooked immediately. Looking back, I was kind of flirting, huh? I also know I have definitely had to change who I've been the past few years as I don't fit in here. At all. I always feel like I have to mask my true personality. And I hate that. "Hey! Is this hell!?" "No...it's Iowa..."
Author ow9 Posted January 21, 2013 Author Posted January 21, 2013 Pierre, I don't know what you look like or even how old you are, but every time I read one of your posts I desperately want you to look like your profile picture. It kills me. Ha... the first time I tried to break it off with exMM he told me that I put a "wall" up when it comes to men. He didn't want me to take down my wall for him, but he asked for the key so I would let him and him alone in. Smooth, charming, and bad. Sigh... My future boss is like this too. Very....charming. And of course, his W was never mentioned until a few days ago. I didn't even realize he was married. I'm not even mad at guys like this. I'm impressed. I mean... they're good.
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