2ndgenrationOW Posted August 23, 2004 Posted August 23, 2004 ok well i am the product of the OW and my parents are married and happy and have been for 19 years i am now 20 my problem is that i meet this guy throw my best friend and he is great the only problem is he is married he is also 20 and one of the only resons why he married her is cause she was pregneat. there child is now a year old. this guy and have only knowen each other about 3 weeks now but we have this conection. it is allready deep for both of us and i have noticed he is happer now then from when we first meet. we get along great and just love sitting around talking and kisssing (we have not sleep together). we have several friends that know and are all set on us getting together, in fact my best friend wants to sleep with his W and my MM seems ok with it (my bestfriend is a guy) so that seems to make it harger he does not know if he wants to leave her or not he loves his child more then anything and does not want to lose her. we are both appyling to go to a 6 month training together and he says that if we do there is no way he could stay with her. my big problem is that i think i am falling for this guy and he might be falling also but with a child that young and that we live in CA if this got out what could happen to her? i also can not decide weather to end this now before i get crushed or wait and give him a nether month to choice please help. bottom line will he leave her or should he leave her?
The_Analyzer Posted August 23, 2004 Posted August 23, 2004 I think you should step back from the relationship for awhile. He is married. Reguardless of the fact if he just married her because of the child, he is still married. Get out of the picture for awhile and let him figure out what he wants or feels he needs to do. If he does leave her and gets a divorce, then maybe you all can be together if you want too. With you in the picture, I highly doubt he will make a choice. Why should he? He would have the best of both worlds. A wife, a child and you on the side. Do you respectable thing and get out of the picture. Good luck.
Mr Spock Posted August 23, 2004 Posted August 23, 2004 You haven't f*cked him yet. Stop, while you still can.
morrigan Posted August 23, 2004 Posted August 23, 2004 Will he ever leave her? It's solely up to him. Sorry to say, but he is already providing you with the classic excuse, "I only married her because. . . . " and then saying that he's not sure he wants to get a divorce. If he ever manages to get a divorce, it will be when he wants to, he will be expected to pay child support but he can still be a good father to his child. If this man is already unhappy in the marriage and is seeking out other women, it would be better for the child if he and his wife divorced and tried to have an amicable relationship for the child's sake. Understand that your parents' relationship is exception to the rule, and not what is the typical outcome of an affair. You are only 19 years old, and you have only known this man for three weeks. Take a step back before you plunge head first into this messy situation. If he wants to be with you, let him get his divorce first.
littleflowerpot Posted August 23, 2004 Posted August 23, 2004 morrigan is right. you don't even really know this guy. three weeks doesn't tell you anything. he is giving you the classic excuse to have an affair but you don't know what's happening in his home. here is a clue: married men often lie to get what they want. if he's being honest, tell him to come back to you once he's divorced his wife. also, you've said that your best friend wants to sleep with this guy's wife and the guy seems okay with it. what kinds of people do you hang out with? maybe you need to step back and think about the choices you make in life and that includes your friends AND the men you become romantically involved with. i know you are only nineteen but making foolish, immature choices is gonna come back to bite you in the hiney.
Barby Posted August 23, 2004 Posted August 23, 2004 I agree that you should get out of this before it's too late (if it isn't already). Even though your parent's relationship worked out okay and they ended up married, I doubt most "ow" situations end up this way. (I don't know the statistics) but I think since they married their "wife" no matter what the reasoning they chose to marry her and are still choosing to remain married to her while seeking excitement on the side. One question..do you really want someone who can do this to a woman he looked in the eye and promised to forever love, cherish, and be faithful to? Those are some serious promises and since he is breaking them to her what makes you think he'll keep any he makes to you??
Chrissy21 Posted August 23, 2004 Posted August 23, 2004 I'm sure that the feelings you feel for him are strong and I don't doubt that he feels the same about you. But...when you first start out in a relationship where one or both of you are married there's this certain...I don't know....adrenaline feeding the relationship. It's a classic case of the "forbidden fruit." I was in the same position as you. I have been with a married man for a year and a half. At first it was the perfect romance. Sometimes it still is. But its also a lot of work and even more emotional strain. As far as "I have a kid" excuse- it can seem valid to a certain extent. And I do believe that there should be a period in his marriage where he does try to mend patches and see if his marriage can still survive. But sometimes you just can't fix something that is already broken. And staying in an unhappy marriage creates an unhappy enviroment-the child will know that his family isn't happy. If I were you I would end this relationship before it begins. Especially since the two of you haven't had sex yet. A year ago, I would have told you to go for it. But now I can tell you that it just isn't worth it. You don't have a clue about the stress, the tears, and the sleepless nights you will spend wondering where is he now. Is he sleeping with his wife tonight? Then there is the rumors when it gets out. And if you fall in love with him it hurts even more.
otherwomen Posted August 24, 2004 Posted August 24, 2004 They never leave. They say all these wonderful things "white lies" so to say just to make you happy. We make the MM happy again because they feel wanted and loved. They have new sex in their lives, probably better than it ever was. They tell you how much they have loved you and wanted you all their life (if you have known them for a long time) But I will never again fall for it that they will leave. My MM was my best friend also from High School (20 years) I don't talk to him anymore, its been a year. We have a child together and he will never have any contact with her either. We live in the same town its hard. But I will never give in again. I learned the hard way.
supermom Posted August 24, 2004 Posted August 24, 2004 I don't talk to him anymore, its been a year. We have a child together and he will never have any contact with her either. We live in the same town its hard. But I will never give in again. I learned the hard way. Wow otherwomen, does his wife know about the child? Does he want contact with her? I'm sorry you have to go through this. 2ndgenrationOW, Your parents being together is definetly an exception. Read on the OW forum, all the heartache and questions. Also, why would you want to be with a man who is cheating on his wife and his child. What a loser. You should want to be #1 in someone's life, not #2, not the "girl on the side", I just don't understand why people get into these relationships, imho it only hurts your selfesteem and leaves you hurting. Your MM won't suffer like you will. Also, if he's willing to share his wife [/i]and cheat on her, what kind of boy is this? Eeeww, do you want to be shared? This is the kind of mentality this boy has. I'd be running by now. Good luck, but please really look at this situation in a different light. Take your lust goggles off for a minute and see him for what he really is.
otherwomen Posted August 24, 2004 Posted August 24, 2004 I have been out for a year, but out of the communication between us for over a month. I'm trying really hard. I had EMDR done. It is working. You can look it up to see what it is all about. He could care less about our child anyways. If I was him I would still do something, even if it was a little. If he did, I wouldn't mind sending him pics and updates, but he is cold hearted, and that is why I don't feel bad. A little college fund set up is not a hard thing to do, even if it just $5 a week or something. He has money too, just really really cheap. Even when we were together, he never got me anything for birthdays, holidays etc. I bought him things, including a really nice tie tack. That was the happiest day ever when I picked it out and purchased it. But oh well. Our daughter looks just like him and his two other children. She is beautiful. So the best thing that happened between us was my daughter. I have a beautiful little 3 year old, who keeps me busy, loved and happy.
sami Posted August 24, 2004 Posted August 24, 2004 " Our daughter looks just like him. SHE IS BEAUTIFULL". That is good of you to see her that way. You are really a good person. Not many people say or do that today.
supermom Posted August 24, 2004 Posted August 24, 2004 other women, when was the last time he has seen his daughter? Does his wife know at all? I just don't understand how someone can go on knowing there is a child of his in the world and just let it go. It really bothers me. Good for you for being a strong mommy!
otherwomen Posted August 24, 2004 Posted August 24, 2004 Hi, He hasn't seen her in maybe 10 months or so. I have given him the opportunity to see her, like I used to meet him for lunch with her when we were together, well I told him he can still do that and I won't even come, I would wait somewhere until they returned. He doesn't want any part of it unless I go public with her. I have no intentions to do so. We knew from the beginning that he was the father. We even took a DNA test. So unless I go public and have him have half custody of her he doesn't want to be in her life. She still just knows him as "uncle D". So that is why I don't talk to him anymore, it was a waste of my time. It too much for me to carry on and to have given him the chance to see her. He'll probably see her at school events once school starts up next week. I'm the secretary of the PTA and I'm sure I will run into his wife at social events. She is a teacher at another school (thank god!!) So I have no idea if he is hurting inside. All he has to do is get in contact with me and ask me how she is and if he could have a pic of her. I would gladly do that, as long as he doesn't start to pull any of wishy washy crap on me again. Until then I'm here enjoying all the time her and I spend together.
otherwomen Posted August 24, 2004 Posted August 24, 2004 Oh, his wife doesn't know. She suspects but has not enforced a test. And that's the way I would like it to stary. Him and I both know from the DNA test, and that's all I needed to know, also for medical reasons someday if something should arise.
Taken_Angel Posted August 24, 2004 Posted August 24, 2004 Ok I can understand not wanting all the drama with going "public" with her but seriously you are denying your child the right to have her father in her life all the time. YOU made the choice to be with a MM and shouldn't deny your daughter the right for her father to have 1/2 custody (assuming because you don't want to air your dirty laundry). I can understand why he would want partial custody of her, why wouldn't he? Why won't you allow this to happen? Is he a really bad man or something? I have a feeling your daughter will be really upset later on once she finds out her father did want to be in her life constantly but since it wasn't on her Mother's terms he was denied access to her.
otherwomen Posted August 24, 2004 Posted August 24, 2004 We had made a plan from the first day I conceived that my husband was going to be her dad and that he was going to be her godfather that way he could be in her life too. It was him all along that wanted this, until of course he was cornered to tell the truth, now he wants it the other way around. Why should I change my mind, its still the same, nothing has changed. She is happy here with her "dad" her sister and brother. I don't feel sorry for him one bit. He was never there for me during my pregnancy all the times in the hospital, the heart condition I developed and blood clots and going through five angio's. He was not there comforting me and also not on the phone either. He never showed any emotion. Just now he does. Well its too bad, him and his wife can have another child. I'm not embarrased of any dirty laundry. Many people know about us having an affair for 3 yrs. Its not a secret. My ex friend up the street made sure of that.
Taken_Angel Posted August 24, 2004 Posted August 24, 2004 He was never there for me during my pregnancy all the times in the hospital, the heart condition I developed and blood clots and going through five angio's. He was not there comforting me and also not on the phone either. He never showed any emotion. Just now he does. Again all about YOU!!! However it is good that she has her "dad" your husband. Maybe now isn't the best time but you've got to know that the "truth" will come out sometime and I believe it would be better for her to know early on and have the chance to get to know her real father as that...her "father" not uncle. Well its too bad, him and his wife can have another child. She isn't Property! She's a child, a baby who needs love from BOTH her real parents as long as he is decent enough to be able to give it to her! Not that there is anything wrong with a step parent it is great she has a lot of love but you have no right to keep someone who has as much right to love her as you do out of her life because YOU want to. How selfish of YOU! They aren't trying to "steal" her she would probably benefit greatly from a relationship with her father and his wife.... This is NOT a personal attack on you or your choices but I don't see how you can think this is the "right" thing to do for HER not you but HER!
otherwomen Posted August 24, 2004 Posted August 24, 2004 He hasn't contacted me so I am going to bother with anything. She has a loving family here. My husband would be crushed. It's a little different, we planned on having her. I lost a child before we got together and he was my best friend who wanted to give me a healthy child. So he did. My counselor see's it like me. She had been seeing him until she realized it was "us" and she stopped seeing him. So she knows both sides of the story. She has always said he was bad news. But since he was someone I truly loved and my best friend since High School, I decided to have a child with him. I will always see it like this. I will never change my mind. If she ever found out I will sit down and talk to her about everything, the truth about it all. She should hear it from me.
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