redleader Posted January 19, 2013 Posted January 19, 2013 Overall I have always had issues with social anxiety and chronic worry. I have beaten it back before, but it always seems to manifest itself again. I have lost good relationships, jobs, and prospects because of it through my adult life. I regret a lot of those events and that I was unable to control myself and my thoughts. A bit over a year ago I started a highly stressful job for that all elusive paycheck that isn't completely insulting, my responsibilities were of a manager essentially, maintaining computer systems. The network was a wreck constantly on the verge of failure with zero budget, and I was doing a 2 man job alone to correct it. Over the course eventually I started relieving my stress with marijuana and alcohol, which has always been my staple for dealing with my feelings, smoke and drink until my mind shuts down forcibly. My health began to degrade with zero exercise and nearly a pack of cigarettes every day, bad food because I was too irritated/lazy/stoned/anxious to shop properly. I felt like **** constantly, hiding in my room and avoiding phone calls from friends and even my own, very loving family that were worried about me. My life responsibilities went unresolved that caused more issues feeding back into itself. My fear of being outside began to grow, locked in my work anxiety constantly as I was always on call 24/7 as well. My social life flatlined as eventually I started giving up, too tired or worried to keep fighting the good fight after years of problems caused by a job loss and horrible relationship that crippled me emotionally for years after, and still echoes through my mind to this day. Additionally I have had to move constantly, 5 times in the last year, the last place being beyond terrible that burned up my savings. Stability is something I have not known for a long time. Then I started having full on, raging panic attacks. The first one I didnt go to work for 3 days and was on a full rant, backed into a wall with no way out, or so it seemed at the time. More weed, more booze. More and more unhappy and alone. I didn't like my thoughts anymore as they got darker and darker. ________________________________________________________________ I quit that job a month ago, as I realized I was effectively dead inside and out. No one. Nothing. I had zero stories of fantastic things I had done in 2012 because I ended up doing nothing but sitting at home alone too afraid or stoned to leave. I was having no more adventures, wasting away in front of a computer screen playing video games trying to avoid my problems. Before this job I had several regular girls I liked, now there are none. I had jobs that didn't pay much but were very interesting and I liked who I worked with a lot. My worklife became drudgery that I had to drag myself in. I was and interesting person. Then I became a boring one with nothing to say. Even though quitting meant financial hardship, I knew it was something I had to do before it was too late. I'm happier to have money problems than crippling depression and panic. But the problem is that it still persists. This week it happened again. Initially it was the fear of the unknown before me as a mostly unemployed nomad, then me and a good friend and on/off again FWB of mine hooked back up after a year of apathetic friendship (we used to have adventures, it became weed and Netflix mostly) when she ended us (got to real for her I think), which now is a giant question mark as neither of us know what to do with our feelings for each other with our current lives as they are, so I started thinking about that a lot as I worry our friendship might be over now because it must be, then, I learned I had 2 weeks to move out of my apartment (not on lease, they found out and were not happy). At this point I have zero savings to find a new place and no time to scout the options fully. With the aid of good friends I will have places to couch it and able to move on with my real dreams and ambitions of a dreamer nomads life. Though this is still unsettling as hell. This triggered a shockwave of worry through me. For days this girl, my life, every aspect, was under a microscope. Thoughts compounding and recycling until they degrade into a lie. My mind is unable to shut itself up. I strike up fake conversations with people in my head, which are never right because one cannot predict social interactions. Finding solutions to problems that my mind is manufacturing. It is intense, it is severe, and I was unable to function correctly. So extreme is the urge to act on my false emotions and thoughts, which is why I've ended up where I am. I made bad calls when I was in a bad state when the best thing to have done was nothing and ride out the wave of hell in my head. I found out unfortunately that weed makes my anxiety way, way worse. Sober it is still in my mind but more in the background, focusing on the present and now is easier. With the girl I sent her 2 needy/desperate sounding texts, one involving my worry about how much distance is right for us right now (stupid! a problem that doesn't exist), and when I found out about my living situation I blasted her with it when she was having a friend tattoo her, which I feel bad for interrupting with my menial, cerebral BS as tatts are a spiritual thing. Im sure those made me look super attractive to her. Since that text its been a full week and heard nothing from her, usually our contact is more frequent. I reached out today and asked her out for coffee as I was walking to downtown, with no response. Immediately "where is she? With another man I should have irrational jealous thoughts about? Sleeping in? Lost/broke her phone again? (happens frequently with her) She in trouble? Is she mad at me? Should I call her as a concerned friend or will that seem desperate? " In the end I know I shouldn't worry, at least not too much. I know she is very busy, and we are also not together in that way so her business is her own, and I don't need to think about it and focus on my own situation and life goals instead. But I am unable to. She will reach out to me if she wants to, if she doesn't than I just need to continue with the escape velocity with her I have set. I can't keep dwelling on it for the sake of the rest of my life. I know better than this. My fear and anxiety have ruined my life, or at least the past one. Always thinking about doing but never doing because some part of me cant get past my own skin to other people. Worrying about problems that don't exist or I don't have enough facts for an informed decision. Ive held myself back forever, never reaching my full potential as a person. Since quitting my job I resolved to start excersizing again (walked 7 miles today) as I know that is key to resolving anxiety with getting it out physically and positively, losing the weight I have gained will only improve my issues of being self conscious/not feeling attractive. I resolved to quit smoking...made it 7 days but fell back, but I have bought none on my own for a couple weeks (gotta curb enabler smoker friends). I know as I get back into society, reconnect with other people and have social options again I will level out back to below what I was before I started the new job at least. I was poor then, but happier that my work was more fulfilling, and I worked with people I love to be around that always introduce me to more people. I know if I follow through on my ambitions in health and leading my own life as free agent. These things are difficult and intense on their own, but I have begun finally to reshape my life at any cost that must be given. In the deep end I am being forced back into the world, and forced to confront myself fully and work on my issues, and forced to really harness all of my creativity and strength to not only survive, but flourish by constantly enriching myself with good things, being social again (which my side job as a local event stagehand makes easy as we are in bars constantly running stage). I have no other choice but now to face every fear and destroy it to continue. It is time for doing instead of thinking about doing. That is the only difference between me and people I admire: they had the guts to run with it and lead fulfilling lives. But even with notions of a complete change in the end I worry this problem will keep haunting me. Today it seems less extreme, only present because I am tired mainly, sleep has been tough with anxiety ruining your mind and related stomach issues. So many times this beast has screwed me over acting on ridiculous premises that make sense at the time, only to realize I made a catastrophic error later when it blows up in my face. I keep trying to fix it, but this is like a thought STD. You think its gone but it comes back with a vengeance. I never used to be this way, and I hate that I am now. I feel it betraying me every second. I was bottled with my stress for a year, and this is what became of me. Feeding directly back into itself, I have a worry about my worry and it returning again. Ive tried so hard to fully pull myself out several times but keep ending up here feeling like I might be losing it. Bear in mind, I have no money for drugs and no medical benefits, so doctors and pills are out of the question. Though I think pills are bull**** anyway unless you really do have some kind of brain chemical balance which is rare. This is all in my head, I believe I can repair the damage on my own. I've started practicing again with breathing, observing my thoughts and letting them fade into the background as quickly, getting out and walking, trying to focus on the task at hand. Ive been brewing creative outlets for myself and business ventures to put my time into as income sources. Success in those areas would do wonders for me I think, to accomplish something real and have something to talk about that is defining for me, something useful I built that I can be proud of, and make more interesting. Anyone been able to resolve crippling anxiety? I would love to hear what you did. I think Im on a good course already but it is still not out of my system, and I don't want to relapse and continue to make my situations worse. If I can't beat this thing I will never have anything I want, or keep anything I care about because my own mind will sabotage everything. Sorry for the long post, just getting it all out helps too, as I am finding by being with my friends a lot more the last few days instead of isolating myself which I really, really want to do right now, im realizing that only makes it worse to be alone in this state.
thekarmacist Posted January 20, 2013 Posted January 20, 2013 you aren't alone in your pain OR your anxiety. i am right there with you. right there. your anxiety is your master and he denies you everything. why not get some help with it? i struggle with it too, but there IS help and you DO NOT have to 'live' like this. this is no life for us at all. therapy and meds can and do help. keep posting. we're here.
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