Charlie Harper Posted January 19, 2013 Posted January 19, 2013 I have tons of friends who are divorced and everynow and then they will speak of infidelity: long term, exit A or Magic relations etc... What kills me is that so many of them women and mostly men when asked why did they fall for the A, state that the A partner is completely different than their S . So my answer to that is always say.... " so basically when you married you really looked around for someone totally in UN fit for you, you found a stupid, ugly, dirty, boring, unfit for anything, bad in bed, disease ridden person? and married that person? because if the AP is so right, your S must be a complete 180 degrees in the opposite direction right? They always get angry (when I confront this) but they cant see that we make choices and mistakes and its impossible to be 100% wrong or right the grey area is the norm. Or worse they will say the S changed so much that became 100% the opposite of when they met Him/her....
Act Two Posted January 19, 2013 Posted January 19, 2013 So my answer to that is always say.... " so basically when you married you really looked around for someone totally in UN fit for you, you found a stupid, ugly, dirty, boring, unfit for anything, bad in bed, disease ridden person? and married that person? because if the AP is so right, your S must be a complete 180 degrees in the opposite direction right? .. That seems like really black and white thinking. It might not be either extreme. Your assumption is that spouses are a perfect fit for each other, so then in seeking an AP someone would choose someone totally unfit partner. Maybe people discover things that are problematic about the relationship after a few years that didn't seem like a big deal in the beginning, but they turn into possible deal breakers in the marriage- someone might look for a person with another quality. I"m not justifying the choice to have an affair, but I'm not sure where the extreme thinking of perfect spouse/imperfect AP gets anyone.
Author Charlie Harper Posted January 19, 2013 Author Posted January 19, 2013 That seems like really black and white thinking. It might not be either extreme. Your assumption is that spouses are a perfect fit for each other, so then in seeking an AP someone would choose someone totally unfit partner. Maybe people discover things that are problematic about the relationship after a few years that didn't seem like a big deal in the beginning, but they turn into possible deal breakers in the marriage- someone might look for a person with another quality. I"m not justifying the choice to have an affair, but I'm not sure where the extreme thinking of perfect spouse/imperfect AP gets anyone. I agree, but its unfair to say that your S is horrible, terrible (insert derogative here) and the AP is an angel, in a broken M there is always 2 sides of the story and 2 person who changed... but it really annoys me to hear this excuse as a JUSTIFICATION for an A. 3
BetrayedH Posted January 19, 2013 Posted January 19, 2013 It's the WS that did a 180 from when they got married. They quite literally went from taking vows to breaking them. 3
Act Two Posted January 19, 2013 Posted January 19, 2013 I agree, but its unfair to say that your S is horrible, terrible (insert derogative here) and the AP is an angel, in a broken M there is always 2 sides of the story and 2 person who changed... but it really annoys me to hear this excuse as a JUSTIFICATION for an A. It's not a justification for an affair. There are no justifications for affairs.
aed Posted January 21, 2013 Posted January 21, 2013 People change after 20 plus years of marriage especially if you were young. So no one to blame' date=' just happens. Sometimes people just go along with marriage as being the next step, then later in life they may find someone they are much more compatible with. The BS in my sit is the opposite in looks to me.[/quote'] That is still no reason for an affaire! That is an reason for divorce. Staying with someone and you have out grown that person. I read an article that in most of the affairs the ws is the one that lacks input in the relationship, even before the affaire. Of course they believe otherwise at the moment. Just read some of the ex-wss here and see their threads 1 or 2 years after the reconcile is finnished and the couple is being happy again. 3
buckeyeblue Posted January 22, 2013 Posted January 22, 2013 Sometimes people just go along with marriage as being the next step, then later in life they may find someone they are much more compatible with. You are so right, j'adore. Until he threw her under the bus, my H found someone much more like him - a selfish, lying, desperate cheater. They were much more compatible in that regard than he and I were. 2
Realist3 Posted January 22, 2013 Posted January 22, 2013 People change after 20 plus years of marriage especially if you were young. So no one to blame' date=' just happens. Sometimes people just go along with marriage as being the next step, then later in life they may find someone they are much more compatible with. The BS in my sit is the opposite in looks to me.[/quote'] Very very true. Some may argue it is no reason for an affair, but it most certainly is a reason affairs take place. It may not be justification, but certainly one of the the reasons.
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