RandomName12 Posted January 19, 2013 Posted January 19, 2013 Hey, firstly thanks for reading. I am in a situation where I am heavily attracted to an engaged co-worker. I felt an initial attraction to her as soon as I saw her which is incredibly rare for me, After having a few conversations with her I found we had a lot in common and not the small stuff like favorite color and tv shows etc but more like ethical views and morals as well as family values. However I knew she was engaged to someone twice her age (She's mid to late twenties and I am very early twenties) who also worked with us so I deliberately kept my distance to avoid falling for her. For about a year we hardly talked again despite working in close proximity with each other although we would always catch each others eye or find ourselvs in agreement with each other in group conversations. After about a year we started talking more intimately which led to casual flirting which eventually led to not so casual flirting and talking about the possibility of a relationship, she told me she was unhappy in her relationship and that she loved her partner but things were stagnant, she wants to start a family and actually get married whereas he never talks about the future on top of the large age difference and the fact he already has several kids which are close to her age. Ultimately I told her that I didn't want to put any pressure on her to make a decision and that I just want her to be happy, whatever she chooses. She told her partner that she was getting very close to me and she was unhappy in their relationship to which he told her if she's unhappy she should leave but she trusts her not to cheat, I never made any sort of move on her physically as I do not want to be involved in an affair however I didn't do anything to stop us getting close when it happened. Eventually she told she was going to give it another chance with her partner, this hit me a lot harder than I thought it would, I have never held a woman in such high regard, I have been in a few serious relationships and learn't a lot about love as well as being able to look at things with my head as well as my heart. For a good few months I really struggled working with her, we still were fairly close but I told her that I wouldn't want to continue casually flirting as friends as I know my mind and this would lead to more problems down the line. Eventually it seemed like things fizzled out, I still have strong feelings for her but I'd like to think I have a lot of strength when it comes to these things and therefore kept my distance. However more time has passed and she now every so often tries to flirt with me as well as us talking quite intimately again when we have the chance, I always catch her staring at me and I normally just glance at her and continue what I'm doing, whenever I stare back she seems to get defensive and ask me what I'm looking at to which I just smile and walk off as I know I'm only returning her stare. She has told me I am the only person shes been both physically and mentally attracted to in over a decade and we still talk about her relationship in which I give her advice devoid of my emotional feeling towards her. (In other words I give her advice to try and make things work for them rather than put her off him) It seems we are going around in circles. This is partly me just venting as I don't really talk to anyone about this but also could anyone give me some insight as to what she might be thinking? I have never felt this way about someone and after my last relationship (which was messy to say the least) I didn't think I could have such strong feelings towards someone again and don't want to throw it away due to my fears or the possibility of never feeling like this towards someone again, could she be the one? I don't believe love is something that is instant as that is just lust and that love is something that's developed with trust. That being said I am not a very trusting person and shes the person in my life I trust the most and have told the most about me. She has never been nothing but straight up with me. Should I go for it this being such a rare thing or just sit it out? Thanks again for reading.
Cutiepie1976 Posted January 19, 2013 Posted January 19, 2013 Welcome to LS! To summarize, if I have the facts straight: She flirts with you and gets you all interested and excited about the "special" connection you share and the potential for a relationship.Runs back to her fiancé and threatens to walk into your open arms if he doesn't indulge her demands.He tells her she's free to leave if she wishes (What a bummer! Bet she didn't see that one coming!)She opts for her fiancé but runs to you for ego stroking and a sounding board to whine about his "horridness" whenever she's forced to compromise in her relationship.You start to distance yourself, so she reels you back in with some drivel about "you're the only boy I've been mentally and physically attracted to in a decade (so basically her life since she's in her 20's)Your life stays on hold in the hopes that she might magically leave him and become yours. FACT: People vote with their feet. She has. She clearly picked her fiancé over you when told to choose. If he's so horrible, why is she still dating him? Hoping to marry him? Eager to start a family with him? If you're so dang irresistibly attractive and mentally appealing...like no other...how did she not pick you? Why don't her words match her actions? Unfortunately for you, this is the harsh reality of your situation: Fiancé's needs: met by his GFCoworker's needs: met by her BF. She also has a cute new chew toy now and when bored, frustrated, unhappy, emotional, whatever, rather than alienate her fiancé further with her demands and insecurities, she can yank on her new chew toy's string to have her ego stroked, her worth validated, and her frustration soothed on demand.Your needs: ??? How's the arrangement working for you so far? Are you happy? Satisfied? She'll certainly yank away and gnaw on her fun chew toy until you're in tatters if you let her. She won't let you out of her crosshairs if it can be helped, but she's certainly not going to do anything to jeopardize her primary relationship despite all your hopes and dreams and all the palaver she's feeding you. Should I go for it this being such a rare thing or just sit it out? Thanks again for reading. So to answer your question, the answer is neither! Stop wasting your time. Lose the fantasy, ditch her mind games, and go find a real girlfriend. Your coworker if most definitely not "the one" for you, but she'll have a field day with your heart and your self-worth if you let her. 2
Author RandomName12 Posted January 20, 2013 Author Posted January 20, 2013 (edited) Thanks for the reply, I suspect this could be the case although I'd like not to think so, as I've said in my post I have thought about this with my head as well as my heart and it's not like I'm trailing after her with puppy dog eyes like a school boy. When she compliments or tries to flirt with me now I just politely acknowledge it and carry on with what I'm doing rather than reciprocate it, however it seems to continue from time to time. Initially it was very hard however after a lot of reflection on the subject I can go about my day quite easily at work. I suppose I'd just like to think that I wasn't just being used as an object to spark some jealousy in her partner to get his act together and maybe hoped someone on here has been in a similar situation, by your answer I'm guessing this sort of thing comes up quite often on here and if so I apologise for the monotony. Edited January 20, 2013 by RandomName12
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