3 1/2 years later...

[jnd2009]

I don't know where to begin, sorry if this seems everywhere, and thank you if you read the whole thing...

Been with my bf for 8 years, we live together. Been friends with MM for 6 years, messed around as sexual only 3 1/2 years ago. We were friends and nothing more. Had absolutely no feelings of wanting to be with him at that time. We stopped seeing each other as often, I would say a good 2 years we didn't even see each other but kept in contact over text, facebook, etc. Even though we always said oh we'll hang out soon, I think I pushed him off because I didn't want to do anything with him anymore. Well late last summer we finally hung out again, as friends and nothing more. That at least lasted maybe 3 times I saw him. One night at his house he wanted to mess around (his W was out of town for the weekend), but I told him now it would feel like cheating (3.5 years ago my bf and I had an "open relationship" idea of one person one time that yes, I took too far and shouldn't have, I don't feel guilty about then). We didn't have sex but did mess around a bit. I should bring up that while at his house before messing around that night, MM told me it's possible to love more than one person, and if we had met at another time we would definitely be together. I think that stuck with me.

 

I don't know what it is about him but I'm sexually attracted to him again. Due to MM job (which when we messed around 3.5 years ago he was still in school) he helped my close family member out, so I see him both with his job and as friends. We have messed around more now, including sex, just not everytime we see each other. Contrary to 3.5 years ago, I started getting feelings for him this time. I have this idea that maybe because of his job and what he does, that he's successful I like him more?

 

My bf and I hit a rough patch early last year, we technically "broke up" in April for a day or 2. I didn't move out even though he said I had to by that Saturday, but we got back together by then. We were fighting a lot because while I was working full time he was going out and partying all night and waking me up coming home just an hour or 2 before I had to get up. He said I was controlling as well, which I think is because I didn't trust his judgement while out with friends (drinking, driving, etc). Basically I was moving forward in life and he seemed to be going backwards into party mode (he owns his own business which he's only 1.5 years in and has a lot of free time. Which I'd like to mention it's ok financially to pay bills but that's basically all of his money). So we got back together and felt it out for 2 weeks and if everything went okay we'd stay together. Well we're still together.

I'd say mid December I was contemplating taking a break from him and moving to my mom's. I was feeling like we were more room mates and friends than bf/gf for months. It seemed so hard though because my life is in this house and it seemed like extremely too much stress to seperate mine from his and move out. But then around Christmas and on so far I've noticed him change for the better, so I thought I'd stick it out with him. Things have been great other than the MM issue.

 

Also in mid Dec I brought up my feelings to MM, just to see where that would go. He doesn't want to leave his W, which I figured that was what he'd say. He said he understands where I'm coming from though, and said how can you not develop feelings for someone who you mess around with for 3+ years and have an interest in their life? He asked if I wanted to stop us messing around. At the time I told him no but now I'm thinking that's best. These past few days I've been thinking of meeting up with him to tell him in person. I don't know why I want him sexually, it's honestly not all that great. But when I see him I change my mind, and it's a battle with my feelings vs conscience. I think it needs to stop because there has been a time or two that I push off my bf because of MM. I'm sorry if this sounds horrible, because it is and may sound crazy- but for example I wait a few days after sex with MM in case I end up pregnant, or just them so close together make me feel like even more of a whore.

I don't need to be yelled at, just someone to give me insight and help me see the right way to go about this. I will not stop talking to MM as a friend, besides the sexual end we are good friends (although some say it's impossible). I try to tell myself he's staying with his W, stop liking him more than that. Maybe seeing him less and talking to him less would help, so I can focus on bf and I, but I don't want to completely shut him out as a friend.

[jwi71]

I don't know where to begin, sorry if this seems everywhere, and thank you if you read the whole thing...

Been with my bf for 8 years, we live together. Been friends with MM for 6 years, messed around as sexual only 3 1/2 years ago. We were friends and nothing more. Had absolutely no feelings of wanting to be with him at that time. We stopped seeing each other as often, I would say a good 2 years we didn't even see each other but kept in contact over text, facebook, etc. Even though we always said oh we'll hang out soon, I think I pushed him off because I didn't want to do anything with him anymore. Well late last summer we finally hung out again, as friends and nothing more. That at least lasted maybe 3 times I saw him. One night at his house he wanted to mess around (his W was out of town for the weekend), but I told him now it would feel like cheating (3.5 years ago my bf and I had an "open relationship" idea of one person one time that yes, I took too far and shouldn't have, I don't feel guilty about then). We didn't have sex but did mess around a bit. I should bring up that while at his house before messing around that night, MM told me it's possible to love more than one person, and if we had met at another time we would definitely be together. I think that stuck with me.

 

I don't know what it is about him but I'm sexually attracted to him again. Due to MM job (which when we messed around 3.5 years ago he was still in school) he helped my close family member out, so I see him both with his job and as friends. We have messed around more now, including sex, just not everytime we see each other. Contrary to 3.5 years ago, I started getting feelings for him this time. I have this idea that maybe because of his job and what he does, that he's successful I like him more?

 

My bf and I hit a rough patch early last year, we technically "broke up" in April for a day or 2. I didn't move out even though he said I had to by that Saturday, but we got back together by then. We were fighting a lot because while I was working full time he was going out and partying all night and waking me up coming home just an hour or 2 before I had to get up. He said I was controlling as well, which I think is because I didn't trust his judgement while out with friends (drinking, driving, etc). Basically I was moving forward in life and he seemed to be going backwards into party mode (he owns his own business which he's only 1.5 years in and has a lot of free time. Which I'd like to mention it's ok financially to pay bills but that's basically all of his money). So we got back together and felt it out for 2 weeks and if everything went okay we'd stay together. Well we're still together.

I'd say mid December I was contemplating taking a break from him and moving to my mom's. I was feeling like we were more room mates and friends than bf/gf for months. It seemed so hard though because my life is in this house and it seemed like extremely too much stress to seperate mine from his and move out. But then around Christmas and on so far I've noticed him change for the better, so I thought I'd stick it out with him. Things have been great other than the MM issue.

 

Also in mid Dec I brought up my feelings to MM, just to see where that would go. He doesn't want to leave his W, which I figured that was what he'd say. He said he understands where I'm coming from though, and said how can you not develop feelings for someone who you mess around with for 3+ years and have an interest in their life? He asked if I wanted to stop us messing around. At the time I told him no but now I'm thinking that's best. These past few days I've been thinking of meeting up with him to tell him in person. I don't know why I want him sexually, it's honestly not all that great. But when I see him I change my mind, and it's a battle with my feelings vs conscience. I think it needs to stop because there has been a time or two that I push off my bf because of MM. I'm sorry if this sounds horrible, because it is and may sound crazy- but for example I wait a few days after sex with MM in case I end up pregnant, or just them so close together make me feel like even more of a whore.

I don't need to be yelled at, just someone to give me insight and help me see the right way to go about this. I will not stop talking to MM as a friend, besides the sexual end we are good friends (although some say it's impossible). I try to tell myself he's staying with his W, stop liking him more than that. Maybe seeing him less and talking to him less would help, so I can focus on bf and I, but I don't want to completely shut him out as a friend.

 

I think the best advice I can give, given how confused and lost you are, is to move out from BF and in with your mom.

 

Take some time and figure yourself out. Talk to your mom. Your friends.

 

Let both men go. Clear your head. Find direction and meaning for yourself.

 

I think that will help you the most - staying where you are as things are - not going to help you.

[jnd2009]

LadyGrey I think you're right. I've talked to my best friend about this not long ago, and again tonight. I think what I'm going to do is this- First, I've been feeling the need to talk to MM a lot. So since before I wrote this post I made a deal with myself to not text or initiate talking to him, that the only way I'd talk to him is if he contacts first. It's been 3 days so far. Tonight I think I've decided the next time I see him I'm going to tell him no more. I'd rather tell him in person now, but I'm going to wait to hear from him and arrange when we'll meet. Although it's not the full reason, I do believe it's putting a wedge between the bf and I. My friend has told me I seem unhappy for a while now, pretty much ever since last April when bf and I practically broke up. I don't see me being without my bf, but I think I do need to get to my mom's for a break.We've been together since I was 17, I'm 25 now, and I think that's why it's hard to leave because I'm horrible with change and he's all I've known for 8 years. I'm going to give it a little bit to see if cutting off the MM aspect will help at all, but I feel like as I said it's not all MM that's the problem with us. I sometimes feel like the bf and I are more roommates/friends. Yea, we have sex, but I don't feel the closeness/connection with him all the time. It sucks because I feel like I'm getting old, and want to get married and have kids, and thought after so long we'd have already done that, but we haven't. I'm scared to have to start all over looking for that. Or maybe the break will make me realize how much I do want to be with the bf. Well, that's my update thus far- slowly but surely breaking things off would be best.

[jnd2009]

I stopped responding on here because I didn't want to keep thinking about my A basically, I wanted to focus on the bf and I and get the sexual contact portion of MM out of my head. We've talked since, as friends....but there's more to the story now. See my new post it's something along the line of "The Plot Thickens..."

 

And just to clarify I meant by not talking for 3 days of an actual conversation- we had talked through facebook, comments, etc. (If that makes sense)