Author dreamingoftigers Posted January 30, 2013 Author Posted January 30, 2013 Delighted to hear that things have improved so dramatically DOT. Thank you However, since his dealing with the infidelity history is essential before you can move forward from this point in your marriage, it is entirely reasonable of you to request that he do so. Does your husband understand how you feel about this? I mean really understand? Does he realise that this could be a dealbreaker? Yes. It seems that before this incident he was still of the "we just need to move on" opinion. Seems pretty common with waywards/former waywards. I think that he honestly believed that time and trustworthy behaviour would be enough to erase the anxiety etc. In fact, if I brought it up, he would often respond by more frequently letting me know where he is etc. It actually kind of irritated me because that wasn't what I was looking for and it would blow up my phone LOL. So I'm sure he was thinking, "this is kind of unreasonable for me to have to do this 3X as much etc. but okay." Not what I was looking for. I honestly believe that most of what we are dealing with is fuzzy boundaries and him just being kind of dense about the situation.(I'm not sure that there is a diplomatic way to put that.) He's done a lot to improve our day to day relationship etc. but I don't think he really saw the infidelity damage etc. We'll see... If so, and yet he still isn't taking steps to put things right, the question is, how long are you prepared to wait? You can beat yourself up all you like for expressing your feelings, either to him or here on LS, but you have every right to feel this way. I know, it just seems like every time I do express it that my frustration goes for the jugular of the marriage. It's hard for me to see how the frustration with the infidelity history is different (in a sense) from the bigger picture of what is going on. If he is going to stop taking steps, I don't have anything left to work with. I don't suspect that he will. He doesn't act maliciously (not since being sober etc) but if he does choose to sweep it under the rug, it would be a pretty point-blank indicator that he isn't going to deal with it, making it a dealbreaker. I won't wait any longer after that. As long as we are consistently moving toward healthier vistas, I won't go. I know that two people with our histories and history with one another don't get well overnight. It's tough but workable. If your husband was prepared to make the massive changes he already has, what is different about this particular issue? Does he think he's done enough? If so, you might want to make it a little clearer to him that closure won't happen for you until he addresses it. I think I answered this in my first paragraph in this post. If I didn't, let me know. If you've already rammed it home to him and he's still not listening, then you may have reached the end of the road. Agreed. There seemed to be two major questions from him regarding this: What needs to be done? Why? I had been through them before, but under times of high-stress and low functionality (i.e. when he WASN'T sober). So really, once things improved, I think that dealing with the history got lost in the shuffle. And frankly, I can somewhat see why he would think the passage of time would dull the effect. (It has in some ways). He has a TERRIBLE memory. Utterly TERRIBLE. On all fronts. I'm not sure what he can do about it. It improves somewhat on meds etc. but honestly past incidents don't tend to bother HIM very much because he can't bloody remember them. Whereas I have an incredible memory. (Not bragging). It is a family trait from my father's side. In fact my sister is a savant, dealing with memory etc. Even my with my father's alcoholism, his memory is more than average. Although historically he used it to manipulate. So anyway, I clearly CLEARLY remember things from being very small onward. I can tell you everything I ate for breakfast last week. LOL. (I can also tell you that most of it wasn't healthy). The significance of this is that my memories of incidents etc. will roll through my mind throughout the day. Often randomly. Different themes and events pop up everywhere I go etc. It is REALLY hard for me to be "in the moment" but I can often recall it. With my husband and mine's history, it does kind of "haunt" me. Which is why I need to deal with the emotions attached to the incidents. They don't dull for me. I don't think it is quite the same as PTSD. Very positive etc. memories come with that also. But those years were very dark, deeply lonely years. Anyhow, I did start IC yesterday. If I have more time later, I'll post up about it. TY.
Author dreamingoftigers Posted January 31, 2013 Author Posted January 31, 2013 Please be carefull. Your husband sounds like an abusive person and abusive people rarely, rarely change. Addiction does not cause a person to be abusive. Addiction is harmful in itself and will effect the way abuse comes out (if the addicted person is abusive), but it doesn't cause it. Bad child hoods do not cause abuse (they can teach a person how to be abusive and the benifits of it), ADD does not cause abuse, and other mental illnesses do not cause abuse. Abuse is a choice and it has many charectoristics that I see with your husband. An abusive never takes responsibility for the harmful things they do. If they seem like they do, it is a well rehearsed act. They have been perfecting their skills since a very young age. It's a learned tactic. They are really good at fooling councilers and the like and are really good at confusing the person/people they are hurting and fooling outsiders. Some can change, but it's rare. Usually, when they feel their partner is on to them or going to leave for good, they turn nice, or at least, seem like their getting better. when they feel the dust is settled, they slowly start up their manipulation tactics again- think of the frog in the boiling water example. I don't know your husband and I may have it all wrong. If I do, please just ignore my post. Also, some people do change, but it is rare. Usually they just pretend to change untill they feel confortable retearning to the way they were. This is why I said to be careful. Well I agree with much of what you say about the cycle of abuse and how abusers typically react etc. I found my husband prior to addiction and post-addiction to not be abusive. Period. His addiction brought our conflicts to new and crazy levels largely because it was so crazy-making. ANd frankly, he was pretty damn crazy when under the influence of anything and scared of being controlled. We both took a 14 week domestic violence program last year, both for victims and abusers. Men and women in separate groups. His behaviour after that improved leaps and bounds. Plus, he was sober. Whereas his infidelity history (the overall frustration vented in this thread) wasn't addressed, lots of his other behaviours he did take full and complete responsibility for and changed them over a consistent period of time. THat's why reconciliation was a viable option. If his behaviours ever did revert to anything remotely resembling what they were before, I wouldn't in the least hesitate to throw him out, permanently. I have thrown him out twice (three times?) before for an extended period of time. This time, it would be for good and I would document everything and seek legal help to pursue full custody.
Author dreamingoftigers Posted February 10, 2013 Author Posted February 10, 2013 DoT, I'm a little late to your story, so do feel free to correct me if I'm wrong. You've mentioned that you put in effort everyday into trying to make your marriage work... but it seems that your LS/computer usage is a HUGE issue for him. It seems to be the first thing he brings up when there is a disagreement. Perhaps before giving up entirely, it might be a good idea to try and fix that? Because it seems like that is the single most important thing that he feels he'd want you to put effort into, not all the other things that you're doing everyday. I'm not trying to excuse his cheating in the past, not trying to excuse his mental instability, etc - I think those are excellent reasons to choose to leave if you want to. But if you choose to stay, methinks that your LS/computer addiction should be your primary point of focus. It is possible that that could be the issue that is causing him to resent you and not want to put effort into your marriage, thus sparking a vicious cycle. Of course, it's also possible that it's just an excuse and things wouldn't improve anyway. But the only way to know is to try. If you genuinely have a problem with that addiction, working on it would help you also, even if you choose to split up. How much time are you spending on LS/games everyday? How much % is that of your free time? In contrast, how much time do you spend with your husband everyday? Okay, I am catching up on this thread bit by bit. I WAS pumping crazy hours into LS and games. I honestly didn't see it too much until this thread AND (this sounds so Junior High) I had a very vivid dream about him cheating again last Sunday. (Monday? Damn.) I woke up and just felt BITTER and wanting to numb out and lose myself in the time etc. I stopped playing video games cold-turkey and reduced my LS hours significantly. I came back on LS today and yesterday but am eliminating my weekday usage. I also started IC dealing with weight and computer usage etc. I noticed a difference immediately taking a step back from the screen. I think the only things I've been trying at were with my daughter, my grades and that's about it. All of a sudden I had all of this time to do way more playing with T and clean up and organize a whole bunch of stuff and even study more (!) My average in Chemistry is 98.3% right now. Yay. My husband got very very ill this week so it's a good thing I was able to carry things a lot more easily than usual. Also my listening and focus has vastly improved. So has my sleep. My sleep has been very turbulent. But I started 5-HTP. I know that I still snore and I still have pain behind my nose etc when I wake up, but my sleep feels actually restful now. I think the screen time greatly exacerbated the symptoms. And I am not as frustrated or edgy. But I do have an issue still. Today I have been on a lot. And I have been edgy etc. I have a ways to go to regulate healthy internet use into my regular life. At least in this marriage I have someone who understands that struggle. LOL 2
Author dreamingoftigers Posted February 10, 2013 Author Posted February 10, 2013 I would keep a log of this for a while. It might be that you really do spend too much time on the computer. This isn't the cause of his harmful behavior. It will let you know for sure if you are spending too much time on the computer. If your on the computer when he's busy doing his thing, though, and your child is bieng taken care of, I wouldn't consider that over usage of the computer/games. Oh jeez, my internet history is practically a log. it reads: Loveshack Loveshack Loveshack Loveshack Loveshack Loveshack google google google google google google google Facebook Facebook Facebook Facebook Facebook Facebook Facebook Facebook jupitergrades jupitergrades jupitergrades jupitergrades jupitergrades jupitergrades jupitergrades Yeah, I needed a break. A big life-long rest with little chunks of computer time from my internet zone.
Els Posted February 19, 2013 Posted February 19, 2013 Okay, I am catching up on this thread bit by bit. I WAS pumping crazy hours into LS and games. I honestly didn't see it too much until this thread AND (this sounds so Junior High) I had a very vivid dream about him cheating again last Sunday. (Monday? Damn.) I woke up and just felt BITTER and wanting to numb out and lose myself in the time etc. I stopped playing video games cold-turkey and reduced my LS hours significantly. I came back on LS today and yesterday but am eliminating my weekday usage. I also started IC dealing with weight and computer usage etc. I noticed a difference immediately taking a step back from the screen. I think the only things I've been trying at were with my daughter, my grades and that's about it. All of a sudden I had all of this time to do way more playing with T and clean up and organize a whole bunch of stuff and even study more (!) My average in Chemistry is 98.3% right now. Yay. My husband got very very ill this week so it's a good thing I was able to carry things a lot more easily than usual. Also my listening and focus has vastly improved. So has my sleep. My sleep has been very turbulent. But I started 5-HTP. I know that I still snore and I still have pain behind my nose etc when I wake up, but my sleep feels actually restful now. I think the screen time greatly exacerbated the symptoms. And I am not as frustrated or edgy. But I do have an issue still. Today I have been on a lot. And I have been edgy etc. I have a ways to go to regulate healthy internet use into my regular life. At least in this marriage I have someone who understands that struggle. LOL So happy to hear that, DoT! I totally get how it feels. I quit WoW about a week ago in preparation for the new term of grad school, and I'm really glad I did. I have so much more free time now to keep up with everything, though I think I could do with posting less on LS too, but it's my sole vice now that I've given WoW up. It was hard, especially as I miss my friends there, but we all do what we have to, eh? I admire you for keeping up the cold turkey. It mustn't be easy. I hope this helps your marriage in the long run, too. Keeping my fingers crossed for you!
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