So fed up and seeking guidance.

[dreamingoftigers]

Where we currently are in terms of ideal marriage:

 

Short of the ideal, I am missing the disclosure from H which I want to happen in MC, about 25-35% more sex would be great! More help around the house. Not acting like I am "manipulating" him when I cry. I have to limit my computer usage and we both should be exercising and changing our diets more than we have. The dietary changes are in progress. I would like to see more leadership on the MC/infidelity/disclosure. Just more "come together" on the subject. Not a fear of being shamed about it, I guess.

 

And proper ADD regulation for both of us. And my snoring fixed! It's getting so awful (I am NOT joking). I broke my nose ten years ago, I slipped on the C-train tracks. My septum is screwed! I feel it open and shut every time I breathe. It kills my sleep and I wake up with red eyes and pain behind my nose every morning. Arg. I have a referral to a specialist now but it just sucks and it affects H's sleep too. Even my kid wake up sometimes saying "mommy, can you stop saying 'snaaaa'"

[dreamingoftigers]

Well those people have noting to do with their lives if the really exist.

 

And im telling you bunch of clothes and toys have no value for a kid

if their home and child hood is only about tension and drama and fighting all

day long.

 

she will remember all of that ore then all those material stuff.

its the environment that makes a kid happy .

1000000000 of materials are nice but they dont fill the real inside need of a child.

 

and if she is getting all of that material stuff you can save money for at least therapy for yourself.

and therapy and books and good advice only help if you put it in action.

reading it all 10000000 years make no sense.

 

action action action! for the better.

 

The bolded isn't happening but I get your message.

 

thanks.

[dreamingoftigers]

now i see why they may remembering you.

you complain to much!!!!!!!!!!!!wowwwwwwwwwwwwwwww

 

this is bad, that went wrong, that one was broken, they are bad,

the water is to cold, the fridge was open, the bird did not fly.............zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

 

Yes, yes more material for IC.

 

Perhaps a less-whiny thread would interest you?

[Nyla]

I am a snorer. It is a very embarrassing habit for a woman to have.

 

We work that out by me coming to bed after my husband is asleep.

 

There is also a spare bedroom to sleep in.

 

I think that your marriage sounds like it is beyond repair, but that is not my choice to make.

 

You have your own reasons for wanting to hold on after all the issues.

[dreamingoftigers]

I am a snorer. It is a very embarrassing habit for a woman to have.

 

We work that out by me coming to bed after my husband is asleep.

 

There is also a spare bedroom to sleep in.

 

I think that your marriage sounds like it is beyond repair, but that is not my choice to make.

 

You have your own reasons for wanting to hold on after all the issues.

 

My snoring is embarrassing etc. It's really loud too. My kid comes in from her room to ask me to stop.

 

I have a referral to an ear, nose and throat doc.

 

Otherwise, I can appreciate your opinion.

[dreamingoftigers]

DOT...praying for some peace for you.

 

I like the sig line BNB.

[dreamingoftigers]

Hi LFH,

 

H did start on the list I gave him yesterday, even though we both got sick. I got REALLY sick (I think from the anti-bios to treat my sinus infection).

 

Blah.

 

Thanks for addressing all of the issues I listed. That was quite a lengthy response. (kettle, meet pot)

 

I checked Weight Watchers and they don't do the scholarships anymore in most areas I love getting scholarships

 

I want to start adding Eat to Live into our diet slowly. Our breakfasts are mostly okay health wise. He makes his own yogurt so it's plain with no sugar etc. Rolled oats and berries.

 

Than I binge on sugar.

 

It's sugar sugar sugar

 

And then dinner is healthy one night, with salad as a first course etc and then another night it's pizza or frozen lasagna out of convenience.

 

I know that part of this is lack of follow-through and poor planning (ADD).

 

I know another part of it is not being cohesive about out health together. And working on it individually.

 

The computer usage needs to cold-turkey I think. But that might go with binge-purge kind of thinking. The scheduling noncomputer hours sounds good

 

The snoring is horrid! Plus I've had five sinus infections in the last 6 months making me think it's all about that septum. I mentioned about the snoring in another post.

 

Also in regards to addicts: yes they can and do recover. I held out for that possibly longer than I should have. But I've also been to groups where addicts are recovered/recovering. It doesn't need to be a death sentence. As long as one is vigilant.

 

I think H and I need a little more time together outside of school. Like "us" time. I also think I am okay getting through this and trusting if the history gets addressed. When I was younger, I was diagnosed BPD and my perception of the world and relationships was very different. Black-and-white thinking didn't begin to describe it. I could not help it. I went to the edge and back a lot. It was very painful in a way that physiologically and emotionally you can't shut down at all. Addiction is similar. But after treatment my whole world concept became much different and I could see how my behaviour affected others etc.

 

I saw a similar metamorphosis when my H lost T. That's how I can forgive him, I know what that darkness is like and I know what having a health(ier) brain can do. It can change your whole life.

 

TY, LFH

 

 

 

It's called a xsupport board. Jeez, don't like it, move along. The OP is dealing with issues, that means that they are entitled to complain and vent and work through their problems. Don't want to read it, go on to the next thread. Seriously, no one is forcing you to look.

 

Dreaming,

I have been thinking about this and there's a lot going on. I do think the IC is going to be a huge help.

I think that even if you can't go to MC right now, maybe the two of you can agree to do something together in that regards because if you decide to stay together, you do need to work on the things that aren't right in your marriage. It's a bandaid otherwise.

 

Frankly, it sounds exhausting. I can't imagine all of that, but life is rarely simple or uncomplicated and there are plenty of people that would give up on my life and go back to bed before 8am every day anyway so me saying that is kind of silly too. Everyone is as strong as they are required to become.

 

I think that the changes that you should be focusing on right now, should be the changes that EITHER way, whether you stay or go, are going to be most beneficial to you.

 

I know you said you both have eating issues. Have you considered seeing if he'll do Weight Watchers with you? I suggest that because of the ADD. It's structured and there's accountability. PLUS... they give scholarships for those that need them. I know because a good friend of mine went that route and she has paid nothing but her initial registration fee, has lost 100 pounds and gets that support every week as well.

 

Computer.. I am a huge fan of my computer too. I run my business from my computer plus I also have some ADD issues and I never sleep. SOOOOoo that means lots of computer time for me.

I now make myself a list every day adn I schedule non-work computer time in there for me. It makes me happy to have mini breaks and once everything is crossed off my list, I can be on as much as I want.

 

The snoring... oh dear. Unrestful sleep can exacerbate many underlying problems. Is there a way to get that treated for you? As a student are you eligible for any type of healthcare that can provide whatever it is that's needed, surgery or whatever?

 

I'm not touching the rest re: your daughter and stuff. I think it's been talked about a lot, and I'm glad he's a good father. Lots of people with addiction issues do go on to recover and become wonderful everything... so I see why you keep saying that it's resolved and not an issue anymore.

 

What I do ask you is are you going to be able to overcome how dealing with all that made you feel? Will you be able to forgive that and move on or are you better off dissolving while you are able to coparent effectively and get along. Perhaps the two of you are just a disaster together, it happens.

 

If you decide to stay together, I think you should call the MC and see what if anything they can or are willing to do, re: sliding fees, even just recommended reading if possible.

 

I don't know if that helps at all but maybe it will be a starting point.

[dreamingoftigers]

I think that the changes that you should be focusing on right now, should be the changes that EITHER way, whether you stay or go, are going to be most beneficial to you.

 

This too, reminds me of the 180 which I did with my husband.

 

There is a point about not backsliding for hard-earned changes. I very much backslid and am thinking about going 180 again, but not for my H. Just my own personal 180 on exercise and computer etc.

 

Just sticking with trying what I normally wouldn't to make a difference until I find what works.

[Furious]

Hey DOT

 

I just know saw your thread here, or I would have responded sooner.

 

First off, DOT I think you're super smart and I enjoy reading your posts, and love your sense of humor.

 

I'm sorry you've hit another rough patch in your marriage, and I have to say that by most standards you've had to deal with an enormous amount of crap.

 

I'm not qualified to give you any professional advice, but from my understanding, your whole life has been revolved around dysfunction and drama. That the people in your life are so self absorbed that they don't see beyond themselves and don't appreciate the gifted person you are.

 

It seems that in a way you're used to dysfunction, that it's something oddly normal and are accustomed to throughout your life. Maybe you feel the need to fix people and by fixing them you can fix yourself.

 

I think for you, IC may be more helpful to you than MC at this time. As much as you love your husband, he is another layer of added dysfunction to your life. As much as you love him, and appreciate his effort in quitting his addictions, he still has a long way to go. Maybe this is as good as he gets, maybe you have to either accept that or move on ahead without him.

 

Maybe wiping the slate clean, concentrating on just yourself, your daughter and your studies, will give you peace and balance. You sure deserve that.

[dreamingoftigers]

Hi Furious,

 

TY.

 

I think dysfunction has normalized for me. That, however, would also make me dysfunctional even though I've been hammering away on issues year after year. So frustrating. Like, how much longer? Does it ever stop?

 

I do sort of expect that everyone be around 80% healthy and anyone "more healthy" would actually be incredibly exceptional.

 

I will be pursuing IC.

IDK what the future will look like for all of us. I have a really cute little 3 year old daughter. I want her to be happy/healthy.

 

We both know that D isn't a clean slate either...

 

 

 

Hey DOT

 

I just know saw your thread here, or I would have responded sooner.

 

First off, DOT I think you're super smart and I enjoy reading your posts, and love your sense of humor.

 

I'm sorry you've hit another rough patch in your marriage, and I have to say that by most standards you've had to deal with an enormous amount of crap.

 

I'm not qualified to give you any professional advice, but from my understanding, your whole life has been revolved around dysfunction and drama. That the people in your life are so self absorbed that they don't see beyond themselves and don't appreciate the gifted person you are.

 

It seems that in a way you're used to dysfunction, that it's something oddly normal and are accustomed to throughout your life. Maybe you feel the need to fix people and by fixing them you can fix yourself.

 

I think for you, IC may be more helpful to you than MC at this time. As much as you love your husband, he is another layer of added dysfunction to your life. As much as you love him, and appreciate his effort in quitting his addictions, he still has a long way to go. Maybe this is as good as he gets, maybe you have to either accept that or move on ahead without him.

 

Maybe wiping the slate clean, concentrating on just yourself, your daughter and your studies, will give you peace and balance. You sure deserve that.

[Furious]

Hi Furious,

 

TY.

 

I think dysfunction has normalized for me. That, however, would also make me dysfunctional even though I've been hammering away on issues year after year. So frustrating. Like, how much longer? Does it ever stop?

 

I do sort of expect that everyone be around 80% healthy and anyone "more healthy" would actually be incredibly exceptional.

I will be pursuing IC.

IDK what the future will look like for all of us. I have a really cute little 3 year old daughter. I want her to be happy/healthy.

 

We both know that D isn't a clean slate either...

 

 

I agree, D isn't a clean slate. There's nothing better than keeping the family together and giving your child a happy home and that's what your goal is, that's why you keep hammering away year after year. You can see what you want, but it's so frustrating to get to that goal.

 

 

You're way ahead on the goal you've set as compared to your husband, he's still needing to get in step with you. He needs to be a full partner in your marriage, you seem to be the one who has to always push for more from him.

More like you're his mother than his equal partner.

 

 

Only you will know when to put down that hammer, and the frustration stops when you say it stops.

 

Sometimes, making a deliberate and cool headed decision to move on is healthier than to make that decision in the heat of hurt and anger.

[xxoo]

I do sort of expect that everyone be around 80% healthy and anyone "more healthy" would actually be incredibly exceptional.

 

What do you mean by "healthy"?

 

My partner and I have our issues and quirks, but we are both 100% functional. I mean, I may worry too much, and can get sucked in online, but when stuff needs to get done, it gets done. My anxiety and the internet do not interfere with work and family responsibilities, or with maintaining a healthy relationship. If it did, I'd get some medical help.

 

Similarly, my H indulges in some "retail therapy", but it has never resulted in debt, and when money is tight, he doesn't spend.

 

I don't think that's exceptional. But I was raised by similarly "functional" parents, who have their own small issues, but get right-the-hell over them when responsibilities require it.

 

I do think that you'd need to conquer your own addictions before hoping for a mate free from major issues. Personally, I would have a very difficult time tolerating it, because I wasn't raised that way and I'm not used to it.

[KathyM]

No one can answer for you when to throw in the towel on your marriage. Not even a marriage counselor. You certainly have religious grounds to divorce him. Most women would have been long gone by now. You were very generous to him to try to get past this and work on your marriage. Personally, I don't think he deserved that kind of generosity from you. If you leave him, you may find a better life with someone else, or you may find a better life with no man in your life. I guess you have to ask yourself if your life with him is something you would be satisfied with if he never changed for the better. It doesn't sound like you are satisfied. I guess you have to ask yourself, would your life be better for you if you were on your own with your daughter, rather than in this marriage. Only you can really answer that. You have to weigh the costs and benefits for both options.

[LittleTiger]

Hi TC.

 

He did do a lot. He did. We aren't dealing with the same old crazy schtick.

 

The longer this thread goes the more of an asshat I feel like.

 

He's not an alcoholic, vindictive, house-trashing, porn addict, refugee anymore.

 

Now he's a great Dad and kind of a dumb guy with a stubborn wife.

 

He hasn't dealt with the infidelity history. That's it. That's my beef.

 

 

Delighted to hear that things have improved so dramatically DOT.

 

However, since his dealing with the infidelity history is essential before you can move forward from this point in your marriage, it is entirely reasonable of you to request that he do so. Does your husband understand how you feel about this? I mean really understand? Does he realise that this could be a dealbreaker?

 

If so, and yet he still isn't taking steps to put things right, the question is, how long are you prepared to wait? You can beat yourself up all you like for expressing your feelings, either to him or here on LS, but you have every right to feel this way.

 

If your husband was prepared to make the massive changes he already has, what is different about this particular issue? Does he think he's done enough? If so, you might want to make it a little clearer to him that closure won't happen for you until he addresses it.

 

If you've already rammed it home to him and he's still not listening, then you may have reached the end of the road.

[angie2443]

Please be carefull. Your husband sounds like an abusive person and abusive people rarely, rarely change. Addiction does not cause a person to be abusive. Addiction is harmful in itself and will effect the way abuse comes out (if the addicted person is abusive), but it doesn't cause it. Bad child hoods do not cause abuse (they can teach a person how to be abusive and the benifits of it), ADD does not cause abuse, and other mental illnesses do not cause abuse. Abuse is a choice and it has many charectoristics that I see with your husband. An abusive never takes responsibility for the harmful things they do. If they seem like they do, it is a well rehearsed act. They have been perfecting their skills since a very young age. It's a learned tactic. They are really good at fooling councilers and the like and are really good at confusing the person/people they are hurting and fooling outsiders.

 

Some can change, but it's rare. Usually, when they feel their partner is on to them or going to leave for good, they turn nice, or at least, seem like their getting better. when they feel the dust is settled, they slowly start up their manipulation tactics again- think of the frog in the boiling water example.

 

I don't know your husband and I may have it all wrong. If I do, please just ignore my post. Also, some people do change, but it is rare. Usually they just pretend to change untill they feel confortable retearning to the way they were. This is why I said to be careful.

[Els]

DoT, I'm a little late to your story, so do feel free to correct me if I'm wrong. You've mentioned that you put in effort everyday into trying to make your marriage work... but it seems that your LS/computer usage is a HUGE issue for him. It seems to be the first thing he brings up when there is a disagreement. Perhaps before giving up entirely, it might be a good idea to try and fix that? Because it seems like that is the single most important thing that he feels he'd want you to put effort into, not all the other things that you're doing everyday.

 

I'm not trying to excuse his cheating in the past, not trying to excuse his mental instability, etc - I think those are excellent reasons to choose to leave if you want to. But if you choose to stay, methinks that your LS/computer addiction should be your primary point of focus. It is possible that that could be the issue that is causing him to resent you and not want to put effort into your marriage, thus sparking a vicious cycle. Of course, it's also possible that it's just an excuse and things wouldn't improve anyway. But the only way to know is to try. If you genuinely have a problem with that addiction, working on it would help you also, even if you choose to split up.

 

How much time are you spending on LS/games everyday? How much % is that of your free time? In contrast, how much time do you spend with your husband everyday?

[angie2443]

[quote=Elswyth;4542870

How much time are you spending on LS/games everyday? How much % is that of your free time? In contrast, how much time do you spend with your husband everyday?

 

I would keep a log of this for a while. It might be that you really do spend too much time on the computer. This isn't the cause of his harmful behavior. It will let you know for sure if you are spending too much time on the computer. If your on the computer when he's busy doing his thing, though, and your child is bieng taken care of, I wouldn't consider that over usage of the computer/games.

[Minnie09]

I think - after reading many of your threads and posts incl. this one - that you're giving him way too much credit. I know you think he's trying and you want him to be better, but is it really enough? After all he's put you through? You may not realize it yet, but that's what makes you resentful.....the hope/expectation that he'll GET it, and that he'll understand that he really really really is a lucky dude for getting yet another chance, but all he does is TRY to move FORWARD and let the bad things be behind him. And that's not good enough for you. Admit it or not, I don't care....but I know you resent him for that. And you're right. You have every right to resent him. I don't know anybody who would actually forgive him after all that and get past it, move on and try again fresh. Not after so many times. At some point, enough is enough and hoping for a good potential to develop into something real isn't good enough any more. He is waiting for you to do the heavy lifting, the forgiving, the moving on .... And all he does is help with chores and be a good dad? Really? You've been waiting for him to come up with something that shows you that he puts you first, but it doesn't happen unless you spoon feed it to him. And then he wants to feel manipulated? I personally would not want to be my spouse's mother, and all I see is that you have to act like his mother so he can start to try to get his act together. You deserve more than this. You deserve to be taken care of, loved and cherished by an ADULT. Somebody who addresses his issues, other than by just "moving on". Someone who faces his demons proactively. What he does isn't even a first step. It's too little too late, and it can only be good enough if he leads you through the mess and consequently out of it because he chooses to and wants you to accompany him. Not because you want him to. And not because you initiate it.

[dreamingoftigers]

Okay, there's a lot here to respond to.

 

I can't tonight, I've been pretty in and out of LS the past couple of days with school etc.

 

I have an Organic Chemistry test tomorrow.

I've read what everyone has written so far.

Thanks for your thoughtful responses.

 

Will probably be on tomorrow.

[pureinheart]

Hi again folks,

 

A lot of you are familiar with my marital situation.

 

My husband had the infidelity/addiction/abuse dealbreakers going on invite marriage. Luckily for him I never could recognize a deal, so breaking one was very difficult.

 

Anyhow, we've been through the ringer and separated but our reconciliation was forced somewhat early due to circumstance. (not financial)

 

But now we are living very close to the edge most of the time.

As well, he has improved in the way the he deal with our marital issues tenfold. However, the way he dealt with our marriage is before was SO shoddy that he's still way below par.

 

YEA I have issues too. I do. NONE of them come even close to being a massive dealbreaker NONE of them. Of course every time the "hey what about dealing with the infidelity issues?" comes up there's a lot of "we will, but you know you spend too much time on the computer.!" WTF! REALLY!?

 

Anyhow I am fed the **** up after FOUR YEARS of not getting full disclosure and us going back and forth in counseling due to finances. Right now we are also both in school and there's a lot of "I'm behind after slacking off for a week" stuff going on. Needless to say both him and I are major procrastinators.

 

However, he has been very proactive with excuses and he was very proactive with cheating. So I'm sick of it.

 

Right now he's "starting to work on it and we'll do the things on the list you asked for." but I feel like it's only because I nagged and have made moves to pull the plug. He'll put in work double-time to get back into the marriage but he won't do any basic maintenance on say, Wednesday. I am EVERY DAY doing what I have energy for to keep things going between us. I want something more for what I put in.

 

I don't want to just pull the plug, and this isn't "all of a sudden" and no there isn't "another party" or a "just wanna find myself" or a "ILUBINILWU" or a "lost my sex drive and want to torture my husband." or whatever garbage. And no it isn't because he isn't "alpha enough or nice guy enough."

 

It's really about: I don't think he has Very much respect for himself, me or our marriage. And I'm sick of it. Whatever has been sustaining my patience and strength over the last four years, I am on the last case of it. I'm am not ordering another batch.

 

Here's where things start to go. If we weren't so trainwrecked right now we would be using the 3K cheque that I just got for a vehicle. We do need a vehicle. We have one. It isn't in great shape. Now, it isn't NECESSARY to get to school and back. It is necessary to get to childcare and back. We just need something that gets from A to B. Childcare is a ten minute drive but where it is makes it next to impossible to walk

And it takes 3 connections by bus. And the buses don't run that late on the way home. LOL.

 

BUT we have had MC before and our MC was AMAZING. He is also expensive and we were just starting to really cut through stuff when we ran out of $$.

 

We could take half of that cheque and KNOW whether or not this was workable and if not he was able to help us do a managed exit for us and our daughter. This means 1.5K for a vehicle. MAYBE we could fix up our car a bit. MAYBE. but I think it would cost more than 1.5 K.

 

Or we could get an old beater.

 

If we don't do the MC, I will place a little $$ aside for my own managed exit, which looks more than likely.

 

Any thoughts? Should I even put the MC on the table? I think it will piss him off because he will view the vehicle as the priority. And it is IMPORTANT but if I feel like throwing him out of the house on a regular basis, I kinda don't see what having a vehicle would do for him anyway.

 

If my tone sounds totally selfish, it is because I am totally fed up. Seriously I have given A LOT of time, effort and money to both him and the marriage. (in fact he owes me 3K from when we were separated.

 

Arg! Crossroads, help!

 

No advise, although the bold has always frustrated me- with any relationship. It feels like there always has to be bottom lines, or I'm at my end in order for things to happen.

 

Let me tell you what I've found to be selfish with this behavior- the fact that I would have to be all freaked out, stressed and ready to roll. To push a person to this, or to be so lazy to cause this type of stress and heartache on another is WRONG.... and if there is no more motivation than that, personally wouldn't want any part of it.

 

I know this is negative, but I've had many people do this to me, and the translation of this attitude/behavior is that that individual could care less about me, and is only concerned for what they get out of me.

[Els]

Okay, there's a lot here to respond to.

 

I can't tonight, I've been pretty in and out of LS the past couple of days with school etc.

 

I have an Organic Chemistry test tomorrow.

I've read what everyone has written so far.

Thanks for your thoughtful responses.

 

Will probably be on tomorrow.

 

Take as much time as you need, hon. It's a good thing that you're on LS less, if you're busy.

[dreamingoftigers]

What do you mean by "healthy"?

 

Since I saw this question, I actually thought pretty hard about it.

I have always thought of "healthy" in rather perfectionistic ways. Hence, a rather unhealthy way.

 

I thought of healthy meaning a perfectly functioning brain, free from defect, a clean home 24/7 aside from when we are playing/cooking.

 

Perfect nearly everything.

 

It seems more that after some introspection, healthy is more like productive/happy, functional. Being in a relationship that is more supportive than shaming or harming. Not one where two "perfect" individuals react perfectly with no mistakes all of the time. So aiming at perfection is an unhealthy ideal, but aiming at healthy is achievable and well, ...... healthy.

 

 

My partner and I have our issues and quirks, but we are both 100% functional. I mean, I may worry too much, and can get sucked in online, but when stuff needs to get done, it gets done. My anxiety and the internet do not interfere with work and family responsibilities, or with maintaining a healthy relationship. If it did, I'd get some medical help.

 

Similarly, my H indulges in some "retail therapy", but it has never resulted in debt, and when money is tight, he doesn't spend.

 

I don't think that's exceptional. But I was raised by similarly "functional" parents, who have their own small issues, but get right-the-hell over them when responsibilities require it.

 

I do think that you'd need to conquer your own addictions before hoping for a mate free from major issues. Personally, I would have a very difficult time tolerating it, because I wasn't raised that way and I'm not used to it.

 

I guess I didn't see a problem, even though it was staring me right in the face.

 

The only thing that internet time was interfering with was my relationship. BUT that's pretty big.

 

As well. H and I have been reading "The Relationship Cure" and it seems that I have been turning away from a lot of things he has been doing. Pretty clearly actually.

 

I think what happened over the years is I began to sub in "working on self/relationship/loveshack/facebook" instead of actually having the relationship and family time because he simply wasn't available emotionally etc.

 

That isn't to say it's "Excusable" or okay to continue with but I do realize why it's happened. He has also had a difficult time getting my attention for things like "dinner" so I kind of get why a lot of the background work wasn't happening either. If he couldn't get me into "dinner" what are the odds that he'd sit down and open up about SA or previous infidelity?

 

I've been ploughing away at school work (I am now ahead again) and will be splicing LS intermittently into my day instead of having it consume my free time etc. I have some work to do reconnecting etc with my family.

We are going swimming in the next half hour and instead of making a lame excuse or trying to catch up on stuff I neglected, we'll be going as a family.

[dreamingoftigers]

No one can answer for you when to throw in the towel on your marriage. Not even a marriage counselor. You certainly have religious grounds to divorce him. Most women would have been long gone by now. You were very generous to him to try to get past this and work on your marriage. Personally, I don't think he deserved that kind of generosity from you. If you leave him, you may find a better life with someone else, or you may find a better life with no man in your life. I guess you have to ask yourself if your life with him is something you would be satisfied with if he never changed for the better. It doesn't sound like you are satisfied. I guess you have to ask yourself, would your life be better for you if you were on your own with your daughter, rather than in this marriage. Only you can really answer that. You have to weigh the costs and benefits for both options.

 

Thank you for your thoughtful post.

 

I have some misgivings either way. A big factor for me is how much it would impact my daughter one way or the other.

 

There isn't heavy conflict or tension in our home, just disconnectedness.

I love seeing my daughter and her father together, having a great relationship etc. with one another. I really don't want to split that bond.

 

I think that the terrible feelings, plus the isolation etc. would be worse on everyone as well.

 

So I am not really "all in" like I used to be, so I am lukewarm, which I do know is the worst place to be in a marriage.

 

I also have my first IC appointment coming up on Tues. so I will see where my head is at more probably after a few sessions.

[xxoo]

Since I saw this question, I actually thought pretty hard about it.

I have always thought of "healthy" in rather perfectionistic ways. Hence, a rather unhealthy way.

 

I thought of healthy meaning a perfectly functioning brain, free from defect, a clean home 24/7 aside from when we are playing/cooking.

 

Perfect nearly everything.

 

It seems more that after some introspection, healthy is more like productive/happy, functional. Being in a relationship that is more supportive than shaming or harming. Not one where two "perfect" individuals react perfectly with no mistakes all of the time. So aiming at perfection is an unhealthy ideal, but aiming at healthy is achievable and well, ...... healthy.

 

YES

 

It's no different from healthy eating or keeping a tidy home, which needn't be perfect to be healthy. If you expect perfection from yourself and others, you WILL fail, and many people fall waaaayyyyy of track once they fall short of "perfect".

 

Instead of perfect, aim for overall healthy.

 

Good luck with the test!

[KathyM]

Thank you for your thoughtful post.

 

I have some misgivings either way. A big factor for me is how much it would impact my daughter one way or the other.

 

There isn't heavy conflict or tension in our home, just disconnectedness.

I love seeing my daughter and her father together, having a great relationship etc. with one another. I really don't want to split that bond.

 

I think that the terrible feelings, plus the isolation etc. would be worse on everyone as well.

 

So I am not really "all in" like I used to be, so I am lukewarm, which I do know is the worst place to be in a marriage.

 

I also have my first IC appointment coming up on Tues. so I will see where my head is at more probably after a few sessions.

I hope your counseling will help you figure out which way to go on this. A good counselor will help you weigh and explore the costs and benefits to each decision so that it may be more clear to you. Good luck with the counseling. I hope it helps you.