Justtiredofit Posted January 19, 2013 Posted January 19, 2013 We have put our guns down and she says she wants to put the divorce off. I will not get back together in haste this time, this is the 4th time to reconcile, and this time it WILL BE SLOWLY. She agreed to go to Colorado together to see Michele Davis if we can, started talking about cleaning up our lives, taking family photos soon, calls me 2-3 times a day now, texts often, blah blah blah. That's great and everything, but I won't talk any of that until there are actions taken on her part. We are going to see a pastor and his wife tomorrow morning and counsel with them first. I wanna go to Retrouvaille, so we'll see. BUT first, we are individually working on a list of boundaries and expectations for what we both want out of this period of taking baby steps back toward each other. (The other 3 times we have been separated, we came back together immediately and the problems were never solved). So what's good to include in this list? Thanks folks!
M30USA Posted January 19, 2013 Posted January 19, 2013 We have put our guns down and she says she wants to put the divorce off. I will not get back together in haste this time, this is the 4th time to reconcile, and this time it WILL BE SLOWLY. She agreed to go to Colorado together to see Michele Davis if we can, started talking about cleaning up our lives, taking family photos soon, calls me 2-3 times a day now, texts often, blah blah blah. That's great and everything, but I won't talk any of that until there are actions taken on her part. We are going to see a pastor and his wife tomorrow morning and counsel with them first. I wanna go to Retrouvaille, so we'll see. BUT first, we are individually working on a list of boundaries and expectations for what we both want out of this period of taking baby steps back toward each other. (The other 3 times we have been separated, we came back together immediately and the problems were never solved). So what's good to include in this list? Thanks folks! What were the problems?
KathyM Posted January 19, 2013 Posted January 19, 2013 First off, you would be wise to drop the thinking that your wife has to change before you are willing to do anything to change yourself. When one partner changes, it often causes a change in the other partner, but where most couples make the mistake when trying to reconcile is they expect their spouse to change first before they will do anything differently. Work on changing yourself for the better, rather than focusing on changing her. You don't have control over someone else's change, but you do have control over your own. 1
Author Justtiredofit Posted January 19, 2013 Author Posted January 19, 2013 I'm not sure what the problems are from her end (I have an idea, like controlling, paranoid, etc) but from me the problems are: -Not valuing me and my needs -Wandering eye (which she says she never really had) -Need for other men to "notice" her -Secrecy -Hiding feelings or conflicted feelings -Saying one thing to me and the opposite to her sister/friends -Disrespecting me in subtle ways -Not making decisions together as "we" -The "I" syndrome -Not diving completely into God, when she KNOWS He is the answer -Not loving me the way I need to be loved -Not touching me the way I need to be touched -Selfishness -Explaining mistakes rather than asking for forgiveness These are what I can think of right now. -SHE had an EA late 2010 moved out; then asked me back 3 weeks later -I had an EA 11/2011; she asked me back, I went back 1/12 -SHE began one-sided (AP not interested, but she pursued anyway) EA from 7/2012-9/2012; I left and she begged me back -SHE started back the same EA via text in 12/12 & we split 12/12; EA ended with him spelling out that he wanted nothing from her AGAIN a few weeks ago; a few days ago she asked to put the divorce process on hold. No PA on either side.
KathyM Posted January 19, 2013 Posted January 19, 2013 I'm not sure what the problems are from her end (I have an idea, like controlling, paranoid, etc) but from me the problems are: -Not valuing me and my needs -Wandering eye (which she says she never really had) -Need for other men to "notice" her -Secrecy -Hiding feelings or conflicted feelings -Saying one thing to me and the opposite to her sister/friends -Disrespecting me in subtle ways -Not making decisions together as "we" -The "I" syndrome -Not diving completely into God, when she KNOWS He is the answer -Not loving me the way I need to be loved -Not touching me the way I need to be touched -Selfishness -Explaining mistakes rather than asking for forgiveness These are what I can think of right now. -SHE had an EA late 2010 moved out; then asked me back 3 weeks later -I had an EA 11/2011; she asked me back, I went back 1/12 -SHE began one-sided (AP not interested, but she pursued anyway) EA from 7/2012-9/2012; I left and she begged me back -SHE started back the same EA via text in 12/12 & we split 12/12; EA ended with him spelling out that he wanted nothing from her AGAIN a few weeks ago; a few days ago she asked to put the divorce process on hold. No PA on either side. I don't see the point in trying to make a faithful wife out of a woman who is so intent on having inappropriate contact with other men, but if you are determined to try to work on this, you would be wise to work this out in marriage counseling with a therapist training specifically in marriage counseling. A pastor is a good source of support, but he has limited training in actual marriage counseling. *In counseling, you would each talk about what you feel you are needing from your spouse, and you would work out an agreement on being more attentive to specific needs. * You can't control who she looks at, but you can have boundaries about not engaging people of the opposite sex in flirtatious conversations or too personal conversations. * You should have a rule in your marriage that what the other partner does, where they go, etc., is communicated to the other, and that there should be no secrets from each other. You should have access to her Email accounts and her phone, since she has proven herself to be untrustworthy with them, so that you can verify, as best you can, that she is living up to her intent to now be faithful. * All major decisions should be made together, and no action on these major decisions should be taken without the knowledge and consent of the other partner. * Your marital issues should be kept within the marriage, or communicated to the marriage counselor. There should be a boundary about talking with others about your marriage, and that any complaints/issues about the spouse should be communicated directly to the spouse and not to others. * As far as religion/spirituality, you can't control her faith or her practicing of it. You can only control your own. You can invite her to go to church with you, or some other religious function, and you can invite her to pray with you, but you can't insist on it if she doesn't want to. * You would work in therapy on communicating your sexual needs/desires to your spouse. If she has no desire to please you and your requests are reasonable, then I don't see the point in trying to reconcile the marriage. She has already violated the marriage bond. You are free to leave the marriage at this point, from a Christian standpoint. But if you are determined to save the marriage, your best bet would be to seek the help of a professional marriage counselor, preferably a Christian-based one.
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