Logic Vs. Emotion

[carhill]

Logically and emotionally, do you think it was/is healthy to end an intimate relationship of three months via text messages on a small handheld electronic device? Why?

 

I'm asking because it appears the major area of contention was an online dating profile existing, which is more electrons. Do you have evidence that he was dating/seeking to date other women? Did you clearly communicate what your expectations are for an intimate and exclusive monogamous relationship? Was the entirety of your logical presumption of him being a jerk based upon having a persistent online dating profile? Why? If not, what else? This is all part of the logical examination process.

 

How you feel is valid. Logic is the process of examining those emotions and the relevant dynamics contributing to them and forming an overview of the process to learn from it and reinforce/change choices made moving forward.

[superb]

Logically and emotionally, do you think it was/is healthy to end an intimate relationship of three months via text messages on a small handheld electronic device? Why?

 

I'm asking because it appears the major area of contention was an online dating profile existing, which is more electrons. Do you have evidence that he was dating/seeking to date other women? Did you clearly communicate what your expectations are for an intimate and exclusive monogamous relationship? Was the entirety of your logical presumption of him being a jerk based upon having a persistent online dating profile? Why? If not, what else? This is all part of the logical examination process.

 

How you feel is valid. Logic is the process of examining those emotions and the relevant dynamics contributing to them and forming an overview of the process to learn from it and reinforce/change choices made moving forward.

 

No I don't feel that was logical at all. I wanted to talk to him about it but he wouldn't call me. Or answer. My evidence of him seeking other women was this.....when I had to be in bed early because I had to work the next morning...he had updated his dating profile with 4 more pictures than he had previously had on there..which tells me 1. he's seeking attention from other women. And that is all I needed to know/see in order to initiate a conversation about it with him. How he handled me after conversation was initiated has me upset. He said I didn't understand nor care how he felt about me..which is wrong because I do. I explained that what I was seeing on his dating profile was contradictory to what he says he feels about me and I wanted some clarity as to where we were going with this relationship because I feel it is unfair and wrong for him to be out there like that and I'm not. I'm all in on the relationship. At the end of that text convo which was by his own choice he brought up something about his ex gf and their child not looking like him and said "Thanks for saying my kid doesn't look like me, maybe he isn't mine! THANKS"...and to me that said he has some underlying anger with his ex gf and the ending of their relationship which isn't my fault. His child doesn't look like him so I asked if he favored his mother in comparison to his other child which is his twin....a simple conversation we had at my house...I don't think mean things about people and their kids and I surely wouldn't say a mean and hateful thing about his child to him, ever. At that point I told him he was being a straw man and taking the heat off of the problem I had to begin with, which was him searching for women online. He said "**** it" and I never heard from him again. I tried to communicate. What else should I have done here? Logically.

[ScienceGal]

My point exactly....I had to have the conversation with him and lay out the boundaries and HE STOPPED TALKING TO ME. I nearly begged him to speak...I wanted to fix but I had to be strong and keep true to my own standards.

 

The boundaries conversation rarely goes over well. My ex had a problem talking to other women, some exes, about our relationship. Everyone needs someone to talk to, so it's not that I didn't want him to, I just asked him to talk to close friends and that's it, asked him to establish personal boundaries.

 

Never happened

 

When someone is set in their ways, they rarely change. What your ex did is even worse, actively seeking dates! I would not reach out to him, ever.

[superb]

The boundaries conversation rarely goes over well. My ex had a problem talking to other women, some exes, about our relationship. Everyone needs someone to talk to, so it's not that I didn't want him to, I just asked him to talk to close friends and that's it, asked him to establish personal boundaries.

 

Never happened

 

When someone is set in their ways, they rarely change. What your ex did is even worse, actively seeking dates! I would not reach out to him, ever.

 

I have a hard time understanding why people would rather have generic online conversation rather than a real relationship with someone who actually knows and cares about them. Great mystery. I think the man in my case has too much emotional baggage from his ex gf and isn't ready for what I want. Maybe he is afraid to commit. Idk.

[carhill]

How he handled me after conversation was initiated has me upset

 

I read your entire response so am referencing this for clarity....

 

During this period you referenced, you and he had no personal face to face contact? I want to be clear on that part. What I'm reading is that you discovered him adding more pictures of himself to his profile and then you proceeded to have an electronic conversation about that dynamic with him and he refused to talk about it on the phone.

 

BTW, I'm in no way 'siding' with him. Part of the process of examination is clarifying things and processing them and learning from those processes.

 

Now, a question:

 

Given your response to my initial posting, and viewing the dynamic as it is, accepting that you reached a logically valid conclusion in this instance, how would you handle a similar conflict if one were to arise in the future? The same? Why? Different? Why? These are dynamics to reflect upon.

 

For us, when I was M, this was some of our 'homework' from the psychologist. That's where my perspective is coming from.

 

What I'm hearing from you is that you feel you made a healthy decision to break up, that you feel he is a jerk, and that you still love him and would be happy if he contacted you. How do you reconcile those perspectives?

[superb]

I read your entire response so am referencing this for clarity....

 

During this period you referenced, you and he had no personal face to face contact? I want to be clear on that part. What I'm reading is that you discovered him adding more pictures of himself to his profile and then you proceeded to have an electronic conversation about that dynamic with him and he refused to talk about it on the phone.

 

BTW, I'm in no way 'siding' with him. Part of the process of examination is clarifying things and processing them and learning from those processes.

 

Now, a question:

 

Given your response to my initial posting, and viewing the dynamic as it is, accepting that you reached a logically valid conclusion in this instance, how would you handle a similar conflict if one were to arise in the future? The same? Why? Different? Why? These are dynamics to reflect upon.

 

For us, when I was M, this was some of our 'homework' from the psychologist. That's where my perspective is coming from.

 

What I'm hearing from you is that you feel you made a healthy decision to break up, that you feel he is a jerk, and that you still love him and would be happy if he contacted you. How do you reconcile those perspectives?

No face to face contact. No ear to ear contact. Just text Tuesday morning. Now Sunday when he was at my house eating the dinner I cooked him we talked about it and he said he wasn't on there like that and just hadn't deleted it yet. I have been VERY clear with how I feel about it. If that were the case then why the next night was he up online adding more pictures. He mishandled me and the entire relationship.

 

Being a caring and forgiving woman I WOULD forgive and move on with him at this point because I understand he may have fears. Really though, I mean he hasn't contacted me so I don't think that'll happen. Which is probably more a blessing anyway. In the future I won't do anything differently. I think it's important to set boundaries and let the other person know what you're expecting.

[D-Lish]

Good idea...I'm going to file my taxes and spend time with my kids. Is there a way to friend people on here? Or do you just follow posts? I'd like to keep in contact with you D-lish...you're a cool woman...thanks for your help today.

 

I think you have to have a certain amount of posts or time on here and then you're able to PM other members! I never remember how many posts it takes...

 

I have been in your shoes before. I recently ended a short term relationship with a guy I met at work because his exgf came back into the picture when she found out he was seeing someone (me). He became a little distant, so I let him be. He finally came to me after a couple of days and told me he felt a little shaken and confused by the contact, but wanted to keep seeing me. I respectfully declined as I don't feel okay about starting a relationship with someone that still has unresolved feelings about their ex. It sucked to let it go because I liked him (still do).

 

Your guy might just need some space to figure out what he wants. When you're not available, he will figure out if he misses you or not. If he does come back wanting to try again- his actions should speak louder than words.

 

In the meantime, don't wait around!

[superb]

His actions aren't unforgiving is what I'm saying. I was in a situation where I either spoke my mind for the 1st time in my life and asked this man for what I feel I deserve or settle and let him get away with it. He can't have it both ways. All in all...staying true to myself is my best decision and it's best I learned this now than 6 more months down the road when I'm even more emotionally invested.

[Ruby Slippers]

You did the right thing. This guy doesn't love you and doesn't even care about you that much. It's great you found that out before you had sex with him! Walking away was a strong, self-respecting thing to do. Don't look back. He's not worth it. Keep your chin up, and you'll meet a good guy who loves you and treats you right

[superb]

You did the right thing. This guy doesn't love you and doesn't even care about you that much. It's great you found that out before you had sex with him! Walking away was a strong, self-respecting thing to do. Don't look back. He's not worth it. Keep your chin up, and you'll meet a good guy who loves you and treats you right

 

Thank you

[carhill]

OP, on the posts to PM thing, with your length of participation, IIRC it's 50 posts. For short-timers, it's 30 days and 100 posts. Subscribing allows immediate access. I say that because I've seen long-timers with under 100 posts who show 'established member' next to their name.

 

No face to face contact. No ear to ear contact. Just text Tuesday morning. Now Sunday when he was at my house eating the dinner I cooked him we talked about it and he said he wasn't on there like that and just hadn't deleted it yet. I have been VERY clear with how I feel about it

 

So, you discussed his having an existing online dating profile in person on Sunday night, expressed your feelings about it, then, subsequent, found he had added new pictures and further discussion ensued via text, culminating in a breakup on Tuesday. Thanks for that. In my book, you did have your face to face, even though the breakup came later by other means. You looked him in the eye and set your boundaries.

 

Now, if accurate, with that accepted and clear acknowledgment that he abrogated your boundaries and you did proactively break up with him due to that, and accepting that you say you still love him and would be happy to receive contact from him, how would you proceed if such contact was made? Say he knocked on your door, expressed his remorse regarding his prior behavior and showed you that he had removed his dating profile...... How would you process that logically and emotionally?

 

What I'm looking for is how you identify your style of engagement in intimate relationships. Today, Saturday, he's a jerk and you're apparently glad he's gone. Tomorrow is Sunday. Same? Different? Situational? What? How is that processed?

[superb]

OP, on the posts to PM thing, with your length of participation, IIRC it's 50 posts. For short-timers, it's 30 days and 100 posts. Subscribing allows immediate access. I say that because I've seen long-timers with under 100 posts who show 'established member' next to their name.

 

 

 

So, you discussed his having an existing online dating profile in person on Sunday night, expressed your feelings about it, then, subsequent, found he had added new pictures and further discussion ensued via text, culminating in a breakup on Tuesday. Thanks for that. In my book, you did have your face to face, even though the breakup came later by other means. You looked him in the eye and set your boundaries.

 

Now, if accurate, with that accepted and clear acknowledgment that he abrogated your boundaries and you did proactively break up with him due to that, and accepting that you say you still love him and would be happy to receive contact from him, how would you proceed if such contact was made? Say he knocked on your door, expressed his remorse regarding his prior behavior and showed you that he had removed his dating profile...... How would you process that logically and emotionally?

 

What I'm looking for is how you identify your style of engagement in intimate relationships. Today, Saturday, he's a jerk and you're apparently glad he's gone. Tomorrow is Sunday. Same? Different? Situational? What? How is that processed?

 

Today, Saturday I'm not glad this happened. I think his actions are wrong but I am speaking defensively because I'm hurt. I can be hurt by him and still care about him. I wish this didn't happen. I would love nothing more than to have been able to fix this and move on. My style of engagement in intimate relationships is quite simple. If I care about you, I care about you. I will try to fix I will do whatever it takes to make things right. Tuesday I was not glad, not Wednesday, Thursday or Friday. I care about this man. Plain and simple.

 

If he came to me tomorrow and deleted and was sorry and willing to see things from my viewpoint I'd be willing to move fwd with him. Those are my emotional feelings.

Logic says it sounds good but may not happen and I may have a trust issue with him from now on so I'm not really sure how it'd proceed if he actually came to me with an apology.

[carhill]

OK, so what's going on tonight?

 

BTW, thanks for a great explanation. Good stuff

[superb]

OK, so what's going on tonight?

 

BTW, thanks for a great explanation. Good stuff

 

I'm putting clothes on and leaving my house for a while...later I'll be doing laundry and enjoying a bottle of wine