21 yrs old, 6 year relationship!

[yougotmyheart]

I don't have any close friends or know anyone in real life who is wise enough to give me brilliant advice/prospective, so I am here for help please!

 

I am 21 years old. My boyfriend is a couple of years older than me. We are in a very serious relationship and have been dating for 6 years (since I was 15 years old). We love each other a lot. We have two children together. We live together. We are also talking about getting married very soon.

 

Being young and being in a serious relationship with children is not an easy thing. It has taken a lot of communitcation, love, and work to stay together and be happy. However, there is one issue we have in our relationship that reoccurs. My boyfriend is usually unemployed. This is a huge issue. I try to not let it effect our relationship, but sometimes it feels inevitable.

 

Even though I am just 21, I have been able to work and fairly decent places and even had a job at one point in the financial industry making over $30,000/annually. I am also in college full-time pursuing my degree, in addition to working and supporting my family. I have ALWAYS had a job, even as young as 16 years old.

 

My boyfriend on the other hand has not been as fortunate. He's had several odd jobs, seasonal employment, gotten fired from a job, or quit. He recently had a job (which was only part-time), but I noticed that he wasn't going into work. I spoke with him about it and asked what was going on after the first week. He told me that his job didn't put him on the schedule. Well, he hasn't worked in about 3 weeks at this point. I talked with him about it a few days ago and asked what was going on. He looked a bit teary eyed. Then I asked him "Do you not feel like talking about it right now?" And he said he didn't want to. I believe he didn't want to talk about it because he is disappointed in himself because he may have gotten fired or something. He hasn't spoke with me yet to explain exactly what happened with his job, but he has assured me that he's been applying elsewhere.

 

After being with someone for years, this type of thing can become very frustrating. Because he's never had a steady job, I have always been responsible for all of our expenses (our suv payment, our rent, our utilities, cable/internet, etc.) This has started to weigh on me. I cannot keep up with everything. I have reached out to my family for help occasionally and they have been great. But I don't want to keep asking my parents for help. Things will be fine if he would just get a steady, full-time job.

 

This has put a huge dent in our relationship. As of this month, I can hardly afford our rent and so I have been walking around with an attitude. He says that I shouldn't treat him this way just over money and that I should treat the person that I am with love. He says our financial situation shouldn't change anything. I also understand that when you are married, you agree to accept your partner for richer or poorer.

 

I just don't know what to do or how to feel. Sometimes I feel wrong for actly coldy towards him. But other times I feel that it's okay because he has never, ever payed at least half of the rent.

 

I don't know what to do or how to feel. Please help.

 

I don't want to discredit him for the things he actually does, so I would like to add that he takes care of washing dishes, and preparing our families' meals (breakfast, lunch, dinner) and cleans up the house occasionally. Also, he does ask his family for financial help sometimes, to help us out as well.

Edited January 19, 2013 by yougotmyheart

[Turtles]

It's not an unusual situation. I work, my fiancee doesn't. He may need to take on a few more of the household chores since he does not have to spend the time working. I believe it's important that you don't feel entitled to do NO household chore though, so it doesn't feel like he is the maid. As long as you are OK with the fact that he may be the "stay at home dad" and you the provider for most of your marriage.

[Nyla]

Your husband needs to step up and take care of his responsibilities, instead of asking parents for money or expecting you to pay for everything.

 

He is not acting like an adult. Stop enabling this!

 

Put your foot down and let your husband know that his behavior is unacceptable.

 

Get to the bottom of why he quits or is fired. When your finds that out, he can take steps to remain employed so that he is pulling his weight.

 

When the recession hit, I had a hard time finding and keeping work because my industry changed overnight. All I could find were dead-end jobs where the companies were shady,the colleagues were psychotic and the pay was depressingly low. I decided to return to school and now I feel much more motivated to have a new career. My husband is very proud of my grades and my refusal to give up or let him support me forever.

 

Maybe returning to college is the answer for your husband. He may also be suffering from depression.

[yougotmyheart]

It's not an unusual situation. I work, my fiancee doesn't. He may need to take on a few more of the household chores since he does not have to spend the time working. I believe it's important that you don't feel entitled to do NO household chore though, so it doesn't feel like he is the maid. As long as you are OK with the fact that he may be the "stay at home dad" and you the provider for most of your marriage.

 

I understand that it's not unusual for one partner to work and the other to stay at home. But this is not our arrangement. We are struggling. I am not making enough to make ends meet. He NEEDS to be working, not staying at home. I am not okay with him staying at home. I am simply not making enough.

[yougotmyheart]

Your husband needs to step up and take care of his responsibilities, instead of asking parents for money or expecting you to pay for everything.

 

He is not acting like an adult. Stop enabling this!

 

Put your foot down and let your husband know that his behavior is unacceptable.

 

Get to the bottom of why he quits or is fired. When your finds that out, he can take steps to remain employed so that he is pulling his weight.

 

When the recession hit, I had a hard time finding and keeping work because my industry changed overnight. All I could find were dead-end jobs where the companies were shady,the colleagues were psychotic and the pay was depressingly low. I decided to return to school and now I feel much more motivated to have a new career. My husband is very proud of my grades and my refusal to give up or let him support me forever.

 

Maybe returning to college is the answer for your husband. He may also be suffering from depression.

 

Thanks for your response!

Usually he leaves a job because the company shut down, his employment was only seasonal, or he has issues with management. It's like he can never find a decent job that he can keep.

 

We talked about him returning to school, but he doensn't want to do that right now. He is really talented with music, and wishes to pursue that at the moment. He wants to work, but just doesn't have a job. I feel like I am being patient and supportive, but after years of this same situation, Ijust don't know how to feel.

[veggirl]

A man with children and responsibilities needs to forget the whole "pursuing music" crap. Sorry but that's cool when you're a kid or you have nothing else you need to worry about but your bf needs to GROW UP. Why can't he keep a job? Any job? He can't get a job at the grocery store or something like that? What is his plan for 5 years from now, you supporting him? This is very concerning. If he wants to act like a child I guess he needs to be treated like one...tell him you want to see 5 job applications per week and you will go with him to turn them in or something.

 

Why does he quit jobs?

[tigressA]

Exactly how is he talented in music? Does he play multiple instruments? Is he a budding producer/editor? When he quits being lazy he can think of ideas to make money off his talent. He can put himself out there as a tutor, he can apply to jobs at music/instrument stores if there are any around. There are organizations, like churches, who need music directors/musicians. Perhaps thinking in terms of how to use his skills will motivate him more.

 

The above is a more romantic way of looking at this, I know. It is a huge issue and needs to be promptly dealt with. You need to make sure he really is putting in the effort. Don't just take his word on everything. Make him show you what he's doing (like veggirl suggested with # of job applications per week, etc), and encourage him when he does this.

[Nyla]

Thanks for your response!

Usually he leaves a job because the company shut down, his employment was only seasonal, or he has issues with management. It's like he can never find a decent job that he can keep.

 

We talked about him returning to school, but he doensn't want to do that right now. He is really talented with music, and wishes to pursue that at the moment. He wants to work, but just doesn't have a job. I feel like I am being patient and supportive, but after years of this same situation, Ijust don't know how to feel.

 

If a company shuts down or employment was seasonal, it is not your husband's fault if he loses his job because of these reasons. He should be looking for a new job soon after though.

 

Nobody ever "wants" to return to school and have to deal with homework and assignments, but sometimes further education is needed to earn a decent income. Music should be a hobby until he finds a way to make money from it. He has children and a family, so wasting time trying to be a rock star is not practical.

 

Was your husband always this irresponsible and immature?

 

If I were you, I would be angry.

[yougotmyheart]

A man with children and responsibilities needs to forget the whole "pursuing music" crap. Sorry but that's cool when you're a kid or you have nothing else you need to worry about but your bf needs to GROW UP. Why can't he keep a job? Any job? He can't get a job at the grocery store or something like that? What is his plan for 5 years from now, you supporting him? This is very concerning. If he wants to act like a child I guess he needs to be treated like one...tell him you want to see 5 job applications per week and you will go with him to turn them in or something.

 

Why does he quit jobs?

 

The reason he's not employed is not because he's pursuing music. He does that as a hobby. If he had a full-time job, he could still work on his music in his spare time. He has applied to grocery stores, dollar stores, etc. but apparently he hasn't gotten any call backs. But he did have an interview last week at a grocery store, so hopefully that will go well. I am not sure what his plans are in the next 5 years; I know he wants to be able to take care of us.

 

I'm going to talk with him about it again. Everytime we have talked in the past about him not being able to help financially, it's always ended up in some sort of an arugment. I try to be understanding to the fact that he is doing his best and applying, but its hard when bills are due and we don't have enough.

[yougotmyheart]

Exactly how is he talented in music? Does he play multiple instruments? Is he a budding producer/editor? When he quits being lazy he can think of ideas to make money off his talent. He can put himself out there as a tutor, he can apply to jobs at music/instrument stores if there are any around. There are organizations, like churches, who need music directors/musicians. Perhaps thinking in terms of how to use his skills will motivate him more.

 

The above is a more romantic way of looking at this, I know. It is a huge issue and needs to be promptly dealt with. You need to make sure he really is putting in the effort. Don't just take his word on everything. Make him show you what he's doing (like veggirl suggested with # of job applications per week, etc), and encourage him when he does this.

 

he doesn't play an instrument well enough to direct someone else. He makes songs. I don't believe he can get a '9-5 job' with what he's trying to pursue. He seems to be putting in effort, but is getting no results. It makes me feel bad when I talk to him about how upset I am that he isn't working because he seems to be doing all that he can and he is a great partner otherwise.

[yougotmyheart]

If a company shuts down or employment was seasonal, it is not your husband's fault if he loses his job because of these reasons. He should be looking for a new job soon after though.

 

Nobody ever "wants" to return to school and have to deal with homework and assignments, but sometimes further education is needed to earn a decent income. Music should be a hobby until he finds a way to make money from it. He has children and a family, so wasting time trying to be a rock star is not practical.

 

Was your husband always this irresponsible and immature?

 

If I were you, I would be angry.

 

8/10 it doesn't seem to be his fault as to why he is unemployed. But I am not sure why is having difficulty getting an okay job. Maybe the recession?

 

He isn't pursuing a career in music in lieu of working. It's just a side hobby for right now.

 

Was your husband always this irresponsible and immature?

To this, I would say yes. I say that because since we've had a family, I have never been able to rely on him financially. Even when he did work, he never made enough to actually benefit the family. I was still paying for everything. He would pay a small bill or something like that. We decided to have kids at a young age, so that's also something to take into consideration. He's only in his early 20's, so I don't expect him to be fully ready for a family or making $50,000/year, but I would like to see us handle all bills 50/50. Also, in other aspects of our relationship, in the past he has been irresponsible and immature, but we have worked through all of that and he is really a much better person/boyfriend/father. But the money situation just won'tt change for some odd reason. It is so frustrating. I have almost broken up with him a few times in the past due to it (am I wrong for that?). Not being able to keep up with your rent and bills can really make you become depressed.

[Nyla]

8/10 it doesn't seem to be his fault as to why he is unemployed. But I am not sure why is having difficulty getting an okay job. Maybe the recession?

 

He isn't pursuing a career in music in lieu of working. It's just a side hobby for right now.

 

Was your husband always this irresponsible and immature?

To this, I would say yes. I say that because since we've had a family, I have never been able to rely on him financially. Even when he did work, he never made enough to actually benefit the family. I was still paying for everything. He would pay a small bill or something like that. We decided to have kids at a young age, so that's also something to take into consideration. He's only in his early 20's, so I don't expect him to be fully ready for a family or making $50,000/year, but I would like to see us handle all bills 50/50. Also, in other aspects of our relationship, in the past he has been irresponsible and immature, but we have worked through all of that and he is really a much better person/boyfriend/father. But the money situation just won'tt change for some odd reason. It is so frustrating. I have almost broken up with him a few times in the past due to it (am I wrong for that?). Not being able to keep up with your rent and bills can really make you become depressed.

 

It really depends what your husband's area of expertise is.

 

Why would you start a family with someone who cannot help support children?

Did it make sense to have children when your husband is not "ready" for a family? I don't understand that way of thinking.

 

Did you think marriage and babies would change him?

 

You aren't wrong for being honest about what you can tolerate. It would be different if your husband was working towards a career and he was temporarily broke, but he seems too lazy and childish to try to do better.

 

I'm confused about whether or not your husband is trying to pursue a career in music. You posted that he wants to make money with music but then you say it is a hobby. Which is it?

 

Give him a deadline to decide how he is going to improve the financial situation. By a certain date, your husband needs to be sure about either taking some courses to improve his earning power or visiting some employment agencies. Either way, the dynamics will only change if you stop allowing your husband to be irresponsible.

[pink_sugar]

You situation sounds very similar to mine. I'm 23 and he's 29...been together for nearly 7 years. Thankfully no kids...I couldn't even imagine having kids on top of all our financial problems right now. Like you I have been the one with a consistent job since 16 and he's been on and off jobs since the job we first met at. We're both going to school and I know it's harder for him since he's not as outgoing and assertive as I am when it comes to interviews. Your boyfriend not understanding that your financial health is a huge burden on the relationship is a big problem. My husband knows I have legitimate reasons for my not wanting to be in the mood and why I am depressed often. I often feel as if our situation won't improve unless he holds a steady job. Like your boyfriend, his current job he hasn't been scheduled at for 3 weeks. However, several other coworkers of his have also been taken off the schedule due to the company doing poorly and 100+ hours needing to be cut each week in his department. Is your boyfriend in school? Is he doing anything to improve his chances of getting and holding a job?

[Nyla]

Hard financial times can hit any couple.

 

What matters is the effort to get ahead.

 

I don't want to depend on my husband forever, nor do I have any desire to earn very low pay for the rest of my life.

 

That is why I returned to school. My husband does not look down on me for all of the problems I have had with jobs, but he would not be supportive if I just stayed home and did nothing to change the situation.

[pink_sugar]

Does he have any marketable skills? The recession is tough on everyone, but it's been hardest on those with low levels of education and no specific job skills. The good news is, that's something you can fix. I'd try to point him towards some sort of training program...he doesn't need a PhD, but I'll bet a one-year AAS or certificate from a community college in something like welding would go a long way. I keep hearing radio ads practically begging people to go into a training program to work on solar panels or something. There is a recession, but there are also fields that are desperate for people who are trained in a particular specialty area. I think what he needs to understand is that he doesn't need--and can't afford--to find his dream job right now; he needs to support his family.

 

Exactly. This is why I am personally against having kids so young. The op's boyfriend sounds like he wants to do something impractical...which is fine if he was living with his parents and didn't have kids. He has a family now...time to step up and take responsibility and ditch the "poor me" attitude.

[NervisPervis]

We decided to have kids at a young age...

 

You "decided to have kids" at 17? NOBODY "decides" to have kids at 17. Not since the 1800's anyhow.