Etchex Posted January 19, 2013 Posted January 19, 2013 I'm having a relationship problem and have no idea what course to take, so I thought I'd see what other people had to say. Here's a little background About 8 years ago when I was 21(m), I moved to another state for a job opportunity, I love the job, make good money, and wouldn't want to do anything else. Unfortunately, this meant basically losing all of my high school friends and starting anew. Over the years, I've had a hard time meeting new people as I'm in a predominantly male job where I don't meet a lot of people and most of my coworkers are 40+. Not knowing what else to do, I tried OLD. I've met and dated several but this last one I have been dating for 4 1/2 years, and have been living together for 3. Now I have several good friends (most of which I've met through her), a caring girlfriend, and life is good. About a year ago, my patience with her started trickling down. We got into arguments and fights and what not but we mostly resolved them. I think it started because she started having more free time. I'd go into details, but that's not what this post is about. Lately, we've been talking about marriage and having kids and such. This is not scaring me away or anything, it just got me thinking more about my future. Looking at (some of) my friends and their significant others, I realized that they're best friends with each other, and I realized that I am not best friends with my girlfriend. I usually enjoy doing outdoors stuff infrequently, hiking, skiing, canoeing, fishing, backpacking, golfing, shooting, etc. I also like live music (concerts and small venues), hanging out, video gaming, and generally trying new stuff. She doesn't like any of it. Well she does try, but only in very small doses. I'm not even really sure what she likes, we don't really do much but sometimes hang out with friends, and maybe once a month go out for dinner or drinks. She pretty much complains about everything and finds the negative in things before the positive. (For instance, I made a fruity girl drink for her, takes a sip, and she says "I don't like the strawberry flavor", or I tried my hand at oil painting, spent hours and a 3 frame cute, romantic, 2 birds in a tree painting for her, and her first response was "those birds look funny".) Even after all that, she still does cares for me very much and I care for her. I feel like in a relationship, you should be best friends with each other and share each other interests. I have many, she has few, and we don't share them at all. Mostly because she doesn't want to do the outdoor things that I enjoy. I try and do things with her that she likes to do, but sometimes I would rather just stay at home. Am I being selfish? Is my relationship, or future marriage already doomed for failure? If this was it, I likely would be breaking up with her soon, but I suppose my dilemma is as follows. I'm almost 30 and have been very depressed about it. I'm young at heart, eccentric, somewhat spontaneous, but my bodies getting older and haven't enjoyed my 20's as much as I hoped. If I broke up with my girlfriend, I would lose most of current friends and have to start over. I would likely move out of state again in search for a better one. My problem is, I'm not an attractive guy, little self confidence, shy, eccentric, and not a good conversation starter. I have no idea where to meet people, how to approach them, and strike up a conversation, especially by myself. I don't want to do OLD dating again, but would if I had to. Right now, I'm complacent with my girlfriend. She doesn't really bother me too much and we get along very well. My biggest fear, the one that's preventing from breaking up, is being alone for the rest of my life. I spent years in my 20's searching for a companion and became very depressed until I met my current girlfriend. Now that I'm older, the singles pool has shrunken considerably to, divorcees, single moms, and women that have something wrong with them or are just too picky. Is it worth the risk that I find Mrs. Right, or just stick with Mrs. Complacent. Thank you all for your time and help.
Leegh Posted January 19, 2013 Posted January 19, 2013 She sounds a lot like my mom who complains about everything, and is very negative. It is mentally draining being around a negative person. Sure, most people get in a low mood on occasion, but if you and she marry, it will only get worse. Think about if you would like to have kids with her down the road, because now if you want to get out of it, it is fairly easy, but as you know much harder if she is your wife and kids are involved. It sounds as if she is OK but you have doubts. I wouldn't decide anything immediately, but think about things for several months and maybe make a decision within six months.
SER Posted January 19, 2013 Posted January 19, 2013 (edited) I had the same issue with my ex as you did with your current girlfriend. My personality is completely different - I am a very positive, outgoing, and adventure seeking person, whereas he was a pessimistic and negative homebody. Although that wasn't the only reason I had to break up with him, it was one of the major problems. He also found flaws and found ways to make things that I did seem like... well, like crap and didn't appreciate them. We would go out every now and then and occasionally he would come out, but it was like pulling teeth trying to get him to enjoy being out when he actually did come. It always left me feeling guilty for making him do something that he didn't enjoy that I really did enjoy and wanted more of. We were together for about 6 1/2 years. I'm about to be 27. I had the same worries and thoughts as you for several months... would I find someone else? What if I don't and I'm making this huge mistake? I'm so busy with work and school, how am I going to meet someone when I don't have any time or have time to go out with friends? Ultimately, I decided that it was just not fulfilling. Although I loved him immensely and we shared so many great times and memories, there was no way that I could continue feeling so bad and like I couldn't do all of the things I wanted to do in life as long as I was with him. We are only here this one time... do you really want to spend it being held back from things that you really enjoy doing? Even if you have to do them alone or with friends, wouldn't you want to feed more into your hobbies and enjoy them? Another thing to realize is that she's not going to change as far as sharing your interests... believe me, I tried to seek this change for years, and really it just got much worse. And I also feel like I've lost some of my youth and have so much more to do. Seriously think about what you want for your life and if she's enriching your life or holding you back... and if it's the latter, it's probably time to let her go. It will be REALLY hard and you may want to go back... but don't do it. You'll find after a bit of time that it's for the best. And some good news too - there really are other people out there that are more suited for you. I'm dating a really great guy now... and even if it doesn't work out, at least I know that I won't end up alone and that I can indeed find someone that is compatible with me on many more levels and that can complement my interests and enrich my life, as it should be. Don't worry about the singles pool shrinking. There are likely many girls in my situation who will pop up single after being in a relationship for many years that could be just right for you. I have none of those flaws that you mentioned (divorced, single mom, something wrong, super picky)... we're out there, and we're looking for someone just as you are. Edited January 19, 2013 by SER 2
Author Etchex Posted January 19, 2013 Author Posted January 19, 2013 Thanks Leegh and SER. I need some time to dwell on this and find out if she's holding me back, or enriching my life. At the moment, I feel like it's both. SER, your ex does sound a lot like my girlfriend. It can be very frustrating at times trying to finds to do together and if we do find something we both agree on, she'll just point out the negative. I've talked to her about this several times trying to get her to change, and you know what? She didn't. But that's not really the problem with our relationship, it's more that I want to share my hobbies and interests with someone with similar hobbies and interests, not do them on my own or find other people to. I suppose a talk is needed soon to see where she stands on this issue. Thank you for your help.
Cutiepie1976 Posted January 20, 2013 Posted January 20, 2013 I commend you on painting a very balanced view of your girlfriend (the good and the bad) and your situation. Still, how sad that after 4+ years together you have no idea what interests your girlfriend! That you take so little interest in her life. It seems the main reasons you hesitate to leave her are your fear that you won't find someone else and the fact that you would lose many of your good friends, since you met them through her. Those are poor reasons to stay with someone. Certainly you shouldn't marry someone when her only redeeming factor in your eyes is your fear of turning thirty and having to spend your life alone. End the relationship. You clearly aren't suited for each other.
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