Lenora Posted January 19, 2013 Posted January 19, 2013 I'll try to get straight to the facts: I'm a 36 year old female. I've never been married, and I don't have any children. I'm attractive and take good care of myself. Him-He's 46. Never been married. Has gained a considerable amount of weight. Has an adopted 17 year old son. The son is a discipline problem. Sweet kid, but has a lot of issues. I met this guy when I was 20. He was my boss.He was very attractive. Was slim at the time. He used to spend a lot of time with me, even got me drunk, but when I threw myself at him, and asked him to take me home with him, he declined due to my age. Said I was a little girl. We lost touch for about 10 years, and reconnected 3 years ago. He contacted me. (which was funny because I'd been considering finding him. I've been smitten with him since the day I met him.) We picked up where we left off. Basically hanging out all the time. He knows I'm still interested, but it's been completely platonic. Although he buys me dinner, takes me on trips out of the country, buys me clothes and jewelry. NONE of which is required. It's like we're in a relationship without the romance. Before the new year, I told him that I need to know if anything is ever going to progress further. I told him that no matter what his answer, I would continue to love him and be in his life-even if it meant always being on a platonic level. I asked if I should move on and forget any romantic inclinations. He said he'd definitely like it to progress. He said he never looks at any other women, and that I am the only one he thinks about. Said he feels the same way I feel and asked me not to move on-even though he's not ready to progress yet. HE told me he needs to work on himself. He said that despite the fact that I accept him as is, he'd like to lose weight first. He also said there is something else that is extremely uncomfortable for him to talk about. He said it's not bad for me, but it's bad for him, and he will tell me eventually. Here is my question: Is this a legit answer? I would think that he didn't want to be with me, he would have honestly told me. Do men keep women waiting? Would weight really keep a man from sex?
xxoo Posted January 19, 2013 Posted January 19, 2013 Erectile issues? Those can come along with excess weight and age. 1
carhill Posted January 19, 2013 Posted January 19, 2013 What's his relationship history? It's entirely possible he's a closeted homosexual. 1
Author Lenora Posted January 19, 2013 Author Posted January 19, 2013 Thanks for the responses. I've asked him if he's sexually confused, and he laughed and said he's not. He said if he was gay, he wouldn't be closeted. He's expressed interest in having biological children, so not sure about the fertility.
Ninjainpajamas Posted January 19, 2013 Posted January 19, 2013 It's important to keep in mind what you know is not half as important as what you don't know. All the things you do know is not even relevant, or at least not the real reason he hasn't progressed with you. For example I'm sure the weight has a lot to do with his self-esteem, however it's not the reason he hasn't had sex with you...unless there is some superficial abnormality or some kind of issue he has with his junk or something or other...something that literally has nothing to do with. However with the information you have, or what you know, It's like trying to solve a puzzle when you have no idea what the puzzle is supposed to looks like, you're just trying to match up pieces and they're all black. You need to find out about what it is that he is not telling you, if you really want to know what you're dealing with. However the fact that he's taken you out, and been around you yet still nothing has progressed means it's something big. A man just doesn't do that kind of behavior for the hell of it or because he didn't want to take it to the next level...there's something preventing him from doing so. "Are men usually pretty honest with their answers?" Hardly....incomplete and half-honest at best. All the excuses he's given you for example is not the real issue or reason, anything he does tell you other than the big fish he's hiding is just padding. After all, you're being the life-saver he needs to keep him from drowning right now...but if he really wanted to take this to the next level he would have, therefore I think this whole "waiting" game is going to leave you empty handed in the end...he'll just have another excuse or reason, you're not going to just get over this hump and it'll be smooth sailing from here on it....expect a rollercoaster at best. He's already creating a pattern, because there's a lot more here to this story than is being said....this is just the tip of the iceberg. 1
carhill Posted January 19, 2013 Posted January 19, 2013 Since he's 46, he's likely had at least a few relationships, regardless of whether or not sex was involved. As you've known him, off and on, since he was 30, such dynamics are relevant to the veracity of his responses. Things match up or they don't. If they do, that answers the title question, for him. If not, that. Sometimes crushes are better left that way, with regard to healthy intimate relationships. There's a reason some don't progress. The rest of the equation is in your court to process. Good luck.
Author Lenora Posted January 19, 2013 Author Posted January 19, 2013 I've heard stories that many one night stands with strippers were a part of his life. He said he gave that up many years ago when he was in his 20's. I do know his business partner still frequents them. When we first reconnected, he would fly out to Vegas pretty often. He took his son with him, and I told him to be mindful as to what his son might "shop" for. I was joking. He told me that his son wouldn't be able to afford a brothel. (Is that even the right word? Lol.) I've wondered how he knows.
gaius Posted January 19, 2013 Posted January 19, 2013 I don't think it's anything to do with the weight really. That he's lying about. He would have had sex with you the first time when he was thin if there wasn't some major hangup in his mind about sex with you. Him being married doesn't cut it, male morality goes right out the window if the penis really wants something. Perhaps he's uncomfortable with the age difference or he has some deeper issues he needs to work out. Maybe he's uncomfortable with sex. I don't know anything about him so I can't really speculate that well. That kid might not even really be his, you never know.
gaius Posted January 19, 2013 Posted January 19, 2013 I've heard stories that many one night stands with strippers were a part of his life. He said he gave that up many years ago when he was in his 20's. I do know his business partner still frequents them. When we first reconnected, he would fly out to Vegas pretty often. He took his son with him, and I told him to be mindful as to what his son might "shop" for. I was joking. He told me that his son wouldn't be able to afford a brothel. (Is that even the right word? Lol.) I've wondered how he knows. That sounds like a lie to me too considering he couldn't bring himself to have sex with you. Unless you just aren't his type physically.
Author Lenora Posted January 19, 2013 Author Posted January 19, 2013 Call girls! That's the word! I know it's a legal profession there, so I wanted to use a respectful word. He has said he's attracted to me physically. I have all the physical attributes he seems to be drawn to. The very first time I met him, he was drunk and coming onto me, but I didn't really know him then, so I just kind of joked my way out of it. I wish that guy would come back out. We went to a party last month, and a few men approached me. He noticed and kept his arm around me for the rest of the night, and played with my hair. He never does that.
Author Lenora Posted January 19, 2013 Author Posted January 19, 2013 Around me he acts like a priest. My best friend is married to his cousin. When they were younger, they rented a house together. They went through his closet (no idea why) and found all of his porn. They said it was women tied up wearing ball gags. He's NEVER mentioned anything like that to me.
clairehud Posted January 19, 2013 Posted January 19, 2013 I dont wanna scare you, but what if he has some serious sexually transmitted desease and he doesn't want to have sex with you at all because he cares for your health and needs to take care of it?! 1
Samilia Posted January 19, 2013 Posted January 19, 2013 Around me he acts like a priest. My best friend is married to his cousin. When they were younger, they rented a house together. They went through his closet (no idea why) and found all of his porn. They said it was women tied up wearing ball gags. He's NEVER mentioned anything like that to me. I don't see why he'd be lying to you to avoid getting in a relationship with you. There's probably something real he's not comfortable talking about. Might be a disease like the other poster said, that can be dealt with. Might be his sexuality is off the traditional trail, but again, that can be safely explored. I don't know what's going on with this guy, but I know that if you feel happy and safe with him, why not see where it goes. The guy adopted a child, unless he's some kid predator, that has to show some good trait of character. I think it's easy to imagine the worst in people, we are so used to seeing the ugly in people we work with, live with, everyday, that we forget that there is some good left in this world. I least that's what I choose to think, without adopting this attitude we might as well all line up on a cliff. I say hang on and see where it goes, give it 6 months, then decide.
carhill Posted January 19, 2013 Posted January 19, 2013 Certain counties of Nevada allow prostitution. State law prohibits prostitution outside of legally licensed brothels within counties which allow prostitution. Clark county does not allow prostitution and, along with Washoe county, similarly prohibitive, is where most of Nevada's population lives. 'Call girls' are illegal throughout Nevada. Given the relevant aspects revealed, overall, I'd recommend processing this crush to a neutral state and focusing on a more compatible relationship partner. Good luck.
FitChick Posted January 19, 2013 Posted January 19, 2013 Very odd that he adopted a boy. It's very difficult for even a straight, married couple to adopt. You also mention this kid has behavior problems. I wonder if your ex-boss is a pedophile.
xxoo Posted January 19, 2013 Posted January 19, 2013 I don't know about you, Lenora, but the secrecy added to all the odd details would be disturbing to me. I'd pretty much need to know what's up, now, or I'd need to stop seeing him altogether. 1
tuxedo cat Posted January 19, 2013 Posted January 19, 2013 It's definitely something sexual. STD was also my first guess but there are darker possibilities. If you really like this guy stick it out for a bit longer but I would put a mental deadline on it, say three weeks. If he hasn't come clean by then confront him directly and if he refuses to tell you his secret, bail.
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