average guy Posted August 23, 2004 Posted August 23, 2004 An Open Letter To The First Love of My Life Sitting here listening to Joni Mitchell’s “Both Sides Now”, changing the words to: “I wonder if you think of me … at all?” I think of you. Mostly your being happy with the perfect husband, 2-3 perfect kids, 2 perfect cars in the garage of a perfect house with a large sunny backyard and popular with lots of friends. Not knowing where you are, or what you’re married name is, and not wanting to be unfair and post any names, dates, places, etc., I hope the following info is enough for you to recognise me if you read this, and I can only pray to the Internet fairies to deliver it to your doorstep, but if not, it’s supposed to be part of my therapy to write it, so here goes… I had to leave town at 16 to go live with another family before I my abusive alcoholic father (although you thought he was “cool”) killed me or I killed him. You broke a stick in half and made me promise to wait to be the first to make love to you, but before I got back, you had slept with quite a few other guys, and even a teacher from your own confession. I should be angry at you, and sometimes I am, but mostly, I’m angry at myself for being so naive, innocent and stupid. I trusted you. I loved you. I could have loved you more than any one you betrayed me with, but to some people, I guess sex is more important than love. The reason (which I’ve never told anyone about until recently) that I couldn’t ‘make a move’ on you, is that I was sexually abused as a 4-5 year-old by the neighbour, and it’s left me with a permanent mark of feeling unworthy, as well as a paralysing withdrawnness when it comes to being close and intimate with someone. If I had told you (or anyone else) about this in high school, I would have been labelled a pervert, homo-faggot paedophile, etc. (even though I was the unwilling victim). I’m sorry I couldn’t/didn’t tell you, but that’s life. I feel like I was the one nearest to you, and yet I was the one most unable to reach out and touch you. I’ve often wondered if we connected because you had also been abused, since there were a few things that made me wonder, but I never got the chance to ask you. Imagine a group of people that see a famous rock star or sports athlete, and all but one of them rush towards them thinking “wow…they’re someone famous – I should get their autograph or my picture with them or something…” And one person on the crowd is so in awe of seeing their hero, idol who they have worshipped for years, that they are speechless and frozen in shock, and they get pushed to the back of the crowd. By the time they come to their senses, all is done and over with and their hero has gone. It’s kind of like being told you’ve won the lottery, but when you go to collect it, being told that it wasn’t you – it was a mistake. Anyway, my heart is broken, but I’ll have to survive. I find other ways of cherishing the times we had that made me feel good and safe and loved (most teenage boys were just looking for sex – I was looking for love, safety, happiness, hugging, companionship, nurturing, etc.) and maybe it’s because I don’t have enough testosterone, maybe it’s because I was molested, I don’t know. I’ve lived all my life being “the loser” as I had a chance to enter the world of love and learn about it with the most precious person I’d ever met, and I blew it. Almost as if I had a chance to score the winning touchdown at the last championship game and blew it, but it’s worse because it’s self-shame. I’ve always assumed I was second best (or third, fourth, fifth…)– a loser who couldn’t quite make it, and I’ve lived my life accordingly. With an alcoholic abusive womanising father, my mother completely (mentally, physically and emotionally) withdrawn, and my older sister was never home as she was more popular than I, and I was left to grow up without any simple love & affection. Like a plant that dies without sun or water, I died inside. I even told my best friend before I left home, because I wasn’t sure if I’d see him again soon as he was off to the army, that I loved him as a friend, and he backed away from me and said he didn’t know whether to punch me in the nose or just leave. It seems like everyone assumes boys don’t need love. I’ve carried around this sadness/self-hatred/shame for many years now (I can hear all the guys saying “loser”, if they read this) and I need to let it go. Hopefully, you will understand why I couldn’t break out of my shell and kiss and hold and caress and make love to you, but I was in survival mode and am only getting to a point in my life now where I could feel safe and comfortable with it. I’ve lost my childhood to abuse, my teenage years to being a frozen idiot, and I’ll never get either back, or ever see you again. I do wish you all the best because sometimes just thinking of you smiling makes me think there is something in the world that is right – I’m just sorry everyday that it’s not me with you there to see your smile. I love you, but I have to let you go and it’s hard to reconcile the unconditional love I do feel for you with the pain you caused me by breaking my heart, as, if I do feel happy about some of our memories, I immediately berate myself for being such an idiot - not only for not being with you, but for believing that a molested diseased worthless black-hole of a person like me could ever be acceptable to you. I often think about seeing your family sitting down for dinner once, all smiling and having fun and helping each other. No one was drinking or fighting or smashing things, and I stood there wondering when one of you would see through me and caste me out of the house to go back to the other side of the tracks where I belonged. I’m sorry I never made it, but I couldn’t, and like most of my unfair life, I’m the one paying the price for it while you’ve probably forgotten all about me, or think of me as the one loser who never put the moves on you. I’m sorry I need to let you go. I wish I had your blessings.
moimeme Posted August 23, 2004 Posted August 23, 2004 You're saying this letter is part of your therapy, so I imagine the therapist will deal with this - but that she left has nothing to do with you. Except, perhaps, that never having been loved by a non-abusive non-neglectful person, you may not be able to distinguish between people who are able to love you wholly and people who will abuse you. The blame is not yours. The blame is hers for not seeing the good in you or else not having what it takes to love someone as they deserved to be loved. You mistook her for someone you should love, maybe because she was similar somehow to one or both of your parents (in behaviour). You still need the love of those parents and may end up working out your issues with them with partners - so you may end up with another person who may abuse or neglect you unless you're careful. The blame is not yours. It has nothing to do with you. You are eminently lovable just as you are. It was her flaw not to love. I can hear all the guys saying “loser”, if they read this Anyone who does is a moron. It isn't only women who get abused and have their self-esteem shattered and it's about time people felt every bit as much empathy for men who have had that happen to them.
UCFKevin Posted August 23, 2004 Posted August 23, 2004 Sure as hell happened to me in my first relationship. Lost my self esteem for a year. I wanna do an open letter like this, I think.
EC Posted August 23, 2004 Posted August 23, 2004 I feel like I was the one nearest to you, and yet I was the one most unable to reach out and touch you. Been there...one of the worst feelings.
djones Posted August 23, 2004 Posted August 23, 2004 I am feeling a lot of the pain all of you are are feeling....Its hard, I am getting better but It still hurts.....I hate this feeling
meanon Posted August 23, 2004 Posted August 23, 2004 I'm so glad you are letting her go, average guy. Well done. I remember you talking about her, how long ago it was and thinking - what a waste. A waste of a life and of all that capacity for love. The past need not define the rest of your life. I hope one day you have her blessing but for now you have mine and that of all at Loveshack with a heart who will read your letter. The therapy will teach your heart what your head should already know. It's the damage that causes the self hatred, not any thing you have done or not done. Many people manage to break of it, you can too. Good luck.
flowergirl Posted August 25, 2004 Posted August 25, 2004 Good luck, average guy. The fact that you've written this letter speaks volumes about your ability to gain strength and heal from very painful experiences.
overseas2004 Posted August 26, 2004 Posted August 26, 2004 I say what a loser question mark because I can't believe that you think so. This letter was obviously written by a highly intelligent person. I feel for your greif but you must find the strength to get over all these problems. The world is how you shape it and I don't believe in falling on our past.... Good luck though...you have it all to make it...
Author average guy Posted September 27, 2004 Author Posted September 27, 2004 Thank you very much everyone who replied. I’m sorry about the long lapse but I was afraid to look at the post again for a while. I’ve never been in a support group, but I imagine that this is the feeling of what it is like Thanks again Cheers
NatoPMT Posted September 28, 2004 Posted September 28, 2004 you arent average. what you have written is exceptional. I’ve never been in a support group, but I imagine that this is the feeling of what it is like is it possible for you to find one near you? the world is full of people who would be proud to give you friendship and support best of luck to you
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