mechanic Posted January 19, 2013 Posted January 19, 2013 Been married for 13 years and my wife just told me she has had an o lineaffair. Apparently she meet someone on face book and they started to communicatethen they started to have Skype video calls. This progressed to sex shows. Shedenies any physical contact with the other guy and I don't even know where heis from. I told her that to me it did not matter if there was physical contactor not in my eyes there is no difference when it comes to what she has admittedto doing. I think the only reason that she confessed to me is because hermother was recently killed in a car wreck in November of 2012. I was totally unawareof any infidelity or that we were having any problems serious enough to causeher to want to have an affair or divorce. One of the problems I am having withher confession is that she kept adding more and more to her story over about 3days. First it was just conversations then it was she made a video for thisother man then it was she made Skype video calls to this person then it wasvideo calls and photographs of herself. that is where she claims it stopped athowever I can't feel that there is more. it has been almost 3 weeks since she confessedto me and no more additions to her story. I am a 40 year old disabled vet fromthe first gulf war I am 100% disabled and I am not able to work so I am alwaysat home. I don't have any friends to talk with and I really don't want to talkto my family about these things. I still have feelings for her. I asked why andshe told me that when this happened she felt that our marriage was in trouble.However I cannot recall us having any real problems to that extent. I willconfess we have had fights and arguments over the years but nothing so bad asto warrant a divorce or an excuse for an affair. I myself have not had any kindof extra marital anything nor wanted anything. Another problem I am having isshe can't remember when exactly this affaire took place it was either in Marchto April 2012 or sometime in the spring of 2011. And that raises another question did she only confess when she did becauseof her mother's death and if not why did she wait so long? hope that someone can help give me some insight and advice
road Posted January 19, 2013 Posted January 19, 2013 Been married for 13 years and my wife just told me she has had an o lineaffair. Apparently she meet someone on face book and they started to communicatethen they started to have Skype video calls. Get the book Surviving An Affair by Dr Harley. The good in this is that your WW confessed so now you can take action to prevent the old affair from restarting and any new affairs. Trickle Truth is were a WW tells a little but is afraid to tell all. This is why TT needs to be avoided because you are now left not knowing if WW is hiding more. This is why you need to have WW take a polygraph test. NC, no contact with the OM must be for life. WW needs to send a NC letter to the PM stating the affair was wrong, that she will no longer betray her BH, and she wants NC for life with the OM. This letter is short, to the point, no gentle let downs. Is OM married/GF, then they need to be told what he did. If single then OM's parents. WW needs to play no more online group games, shut down FB. You need to without telling WW install a key logger on the PC. To further verify NC you need access to WW emails, texts, cell phone and bill.
BetrayedH Posted January 19, 2013 Posted January 19, 2013 Typically a confession is a very good thing as it is a sign of a truly remorseful wayward spouse. But unfortunately, you probably still need to verify that her affair is truly ended and that her disclosure was voluntary. There are plenty of cases where the OM (other man) will threaten to tell the BH (betrayed husband) if the WW (wayward wife) doesn't do it herself. It's possible that your WW has been leading the OM to believe that she was going to divorce you for him. It's a common lie told to APs (affair partners) to keep the OM hooked. As well, if he was feeling guilty about being a party in your betrayal, saying that she was going to divorce you would tend to get him to back off. But eventually, the OM can grow tired of waiting for the WW to divorce. They either want the WW for themselves or they are sick of being party to betraying someone so they force a Dday (discovery day) to happen. "Either you tell your husband, or I'm doing it." I would question whether your wife's disclosure was truly voluntary. In most cases, a wayward will try to salvage the marriage after a Dday. It's a bit of a panicked response. They fear the repercussions (they have no idea how you will respond) and so it is very common for them to trickle the truth to you one drop at a time to gauge whether you will flip out, kill someone, tell everyone, file for divorce, etc.. It's a form of damage control. It could be that she's voluntarily confessing and just afraid of doing so or it could be that she wants to tell you as little as possible but still get the OM off her back about it. You're in a ridiculously difficult spot and one that's all too common. Waywards have a pattern of lying, denying, minimizing, and lying some more. It's a nearly impossible habit to break. Unfortunately, they fail to realize that the TT (trickle truth) can be the most damaging thing of all. An affair destroys trust. Further lying after exposure makes the BS (betrayed spouse) wonder if they can EVER believe a ****ing word out of the wayward's mouth. We're left always wondering when the other shoe will drop. Your wife needs to understand that complete honesty and openness about the affair is going to be required if she wants to reconcile this marriage. You need to be able to determine if she is a truly remorseful wayward spouse. It is not uncommon for a BS to require a full timeline of the affair. Thanks to her TT, a polygraph is also a perfectly reasonable requirement. Trust is easily destroyed and difficult to rebuild. If she wants to rebuild it, then her life now becomes an open book. She shares all details. She answers all questions with complete honesty and without defensiveness. No part of her affair remains a mystery. A person with nothing to hide, hides nothing. You get all information about who the OM is. She agress to go NC (no contact) with him for life. She sends him a short and not-so-sweet NC letter which indicates that she is recommitting to her marriage and that he is never to contact her again. She provides you with all passwords to email accounts, Facebook, phone, etc.. She does not respond to any contact from the OM but instead immediately forwards it to you. This is called transparency and it's a new way of life for her. She should expect privacy only when she is in the bathroom. You should not feel guilty about investigating her claims. You need to trust but verify. And she should see that everytime you investigate something and find that she's been truthful, it's a win-win for both of you. A truly remorseful wayward will also be proactive in other ways. She should set up IC (individual counseling) for herself to determine why she chose to cheat rather than fix the marriage or leave it. Something is broken within her that allowed her to make this choice. She needs to address her "why" so she can avoid this coping mechanism in the future and so that youcan have some confidence that a repeat performance is unlikely. She needs to educate herself on affairs so she stops romanticizing hers. There are a lot of helpful books. I recommend you skip the books by Dr Harley (they put too much pressure on the BS to get past the affair). Instead, I recommend she immediately read, How To Help My Spouse Heal from My Affair, and I recommend that you both read, Not Just Friends. I could keep rambling but I suspect that this is all too much already. Keep reading. Keep posting. Give yourself some time to find your footing. Take care of yourself. I lost a lot of sleep and a lot of weight. It's a rollercoaster of emotions and there's no pressure for you to make life-altering decisions immediately. Reconciliation can and does happen. But it requires a truly remorseful wayward spouse and a truly forgiving betrayed spouse. But #2 cannot come before #1. In these early days, she needs to be doing the heavy lifting to demonstrate that remorse. 1
Decorative Posted January 19, 2013 Posted January 19, 2013 Typically a confession is a very good thing as it is a sign of a truly remorseful wayward spouse. But unfortunately, you probably still need to verify that her affair is truly ended and that her disclosure was voluntary. There are plenty of cases where the OM (other man) will threaten to tell the BH (betrayed husband) if the WW (wayward wife) doesn't do it herself. It's possible that your WW has been leading the OM to believe that she was going to divorce you for him. It's a common lie told to APs (affair partners) to keep the OM hooked. As well, if he was feeling guilty about being a party in your betrayal, saying that she was going to divorce you would tend to get him to back off. But eventually, the OM can grow tired of waiting for the WW to divorce. They either want the WW for themselves or they are sick of being party to betraying someone so they force a Dday (discovery day) to happen. "Either you tell your husband, or I'm doing it." I would question whether your wife's disclosure was truly voluntary. In most cases, a wayward will try to salvage the marriage after a Dday. It's a bit of a panicked response. They fear the repercussions (they have no idea how you will respond) and so it is very common for them to trickle the truth to you one drop at a time to gauge whether you will flip out, kill someone, tell everyone, file for divorce, etc.. It's a form of damage control. It could be that she's voluntarily confessing and just afraid of doing so or it could be that she wants to tell you as little as possible but still get the OM off her back about it. You're in a ridiculously difficult spot and one that's all too common. Waywards have a pattern of lying, denying, minimizing, and lying some more. It's a nearly impossible habit to break. Unfortunately, they fail to realize that the TT (trickle truth) can be the most damaging thing of all. An affair destroys trust. Further lying after exposure makes the BS (betrayed spouse) wonder if they can EVER believe a ****ing word out of the wayward's mouth. We're left always wondering when the other shoe will drop. Your wife needs to understand that complete honesty and openness about the affair is going to be required if she wants to reconcile this marriage. You need to be able to determine if she is a truly remorseful wayward spouse. It is not uncommon for a BS to require a full timeline of the affair. Thanks to her TT, a polygraph is also a perfectly reasonable requirement. Trust is easily destroyed and difficult to rebuild. If she wants to rebuild it, then her life now becomes an open book. She shares all details. She answers all questions with complete honesty and without defensiveness. No part of her affair remains a mystery. A person with nothing to hide, hides nothing. You get all information about who the OM is. She agress to go NC (no contact) with him for life. She sends him a short and not-so-sweet NC letter which indicates that she is recommitting to her marriage and that he is never to contact her again. She provides you with all passwords to email accounts, Facebook, phone, etc.. She does not respond to any contact from the OM but instead immediately forwards it to you. This is called transparency and it's a new way of life for her. She should expect privacy only when she is in the bathroom. You should not feel guilty about investigating her claims. You need to trust but verify. And she should see that everytime you investigate something and find that she's been truthful, it's a win-win for both of you. A truly remorseful wayward will also be proactive in other ways. She should set up IC (individual counseling) for herself to determine why she chose to cheat rather than fix the marriage or leave it. Something is broken within her that allowed her to make this choice. She needs to address her "why" so she can avoid this coping mechanism in the future and so that youcan have some confidence that a repeat performance is unlikely. She needs to educate herself on affairs so she stops romanticizing hers. There are a lot of helpful books. I recommend you skip the books by Dr Harley (they put too much pressure on the BS to get past the affair). Instead, I recommend she immediately read, How To Help My Spouse Heal from My Affair, and I recommend that you both read, Not Just Friends. I could keep rambling but I suspect that this is all too much already. Keep reading. Keep posting. Give yourself some time to find your footing. Take care of yourself. I lost a lot of sleep and a lot of weight. It's a rollercoaster of emotions and there's no pressure for you to make life-altering decisions immediately. Reconciliation can and does happen. But it requires a truly remorseful wayward spouse and a truly forgiving betrayed spouse. But #2 cannot come before #1. In these early days, she needs to be doing the heavy lifting to demonstrate that remorse. This is great advice. And I agree on Harley. Better to skip- less likely to make you a chump that way. I am so sorry this happened to you. So sorry. 1
Author mechanic Posted January 20, 2013 Author Posted January 20, 2013 One probem I am having is she is threating suicide she says it partly because of the death of her Mother and partly because of the afaire. Also on top of everything she is ( this is very hard to describe) its like she is trying to keep all of the attention on herself by crying alot depression and trying to get me to guarantee that I wont leave her. I feel like she is sorry more about me knowing than for hurting me and our marrage. Does this make any sence to any of you.
Author mechanic Posted January 20, 2013 Author Posted January 20, 2013 Thank you all for your advice I will look into some of those books and I am defienly going to investigate a lot futher into this affaire
Decorative Posted January 20, 2013 Posted January 20, 2013 One probem I am having is she is threating suicide she says it partly because of the death of her Mother and partly because of the afaire. Also on top of everything she is ( this is very hard to describe) its like she is trying to keep all of the attention on herself by crying alot depression and trying to get me to guarantee that I wont leave her. I feel like she is sorry more about me knowing than for hurting me and our marrage. Does this make any sence to any of you. Yes. The best thing to do if she is threatening suicide is to call 911. ( for the record, it's likely a manipulation. But best to make a consequence for that and have her safely checked out)
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