Looking younger is destroying my dating life

[Mr_Flay]

I've been a lurker here for some time, and now I've registered specifically to post this question. So here goes...

 

Half a year ago my girlfriend of five years broke up with me. I've since recovered and decided it was time to meet new girls. Since I've moved to another city, I only have a handful of friends (to be frank, some of them are only "close acquaintances"), and they don't introduce me to anyone. So I opted for online dating to meet girls. I read a lot about OLD, how women never respond etc., but I've been fairly successful at it. At least 50 % of my first messages get replied to, and most of those lead to really good online conversations. Girls say I've got a fun and charming personality, and they often message me at all times of day to talk to me. I've also succeeded in getting about a dozen dates/meet-ups in three months. None of them led anywhere, though I was ready to try for a second date in most cases.

 

Seven months ago I got a cool new job that I'd had my eyes on for a long time (and for which people envy me), and became independent. I take pride in the fact that now I can earn my own money from two or three different sources, that I manage my own life. I can afford most of the things I want, my savings are considerable, I have a few hobbies – mostly intellectual in nature, but one or two artistic ones as well – I am well-educated and informed about the current events... In theory, I should be a desirable person.

 

So where's the problem?

 

In my looks, I think. I've always thought of myself as a decent-looking, healthy individual. I'm fairly tall, dark-haired, have straight teeth and never slouch (taught myself that during my uni years). Maybe a bit on the skinny side. However, I'm 28 and I look like I'm 20, or 22 at best. Strangers address me as "boy", I get carded more often than not, and when traveling salesmen ring my doorbell, they always ask me whether my mum or dad is at home (I live alone). This has affected my dating life. When I had no pictures on my profile, the time would come to exchange pics in conversation. I've had situations when the girl would then simply stop responding, even put me on her ignore list, which I consider to be extremely rude, especially considering that we had some rapport in conversation. Others would let the conversation fade. Still others would express their disappointment. Now i have five pics online, and I get much fewer replies. I guess those that do count, right? Maybe not. Let me tell you about the last date I had.

 

The girl was all over me, we would trade messages all day for about a week, and she couldn't wait to meet me. When she finally did, the way her enthusiasm deflated in a matter of seconds was almost palpable, which made the date really awkward. She barely smiled at my jokes, didn't even look at me, and kept texting her friend from time to time. At one point she asked me whether I was really 28 because she didn't believe it. I told jokingly her I'd show her my ID card, but that she'd had to pay for the drinks if I was right. She didn't accept the bet, but didn't sound convinced either. Anyway, it was evident that she couldn't wait to go home. I guess she was embarrassed about her initial enthusiasm. She wasn't a beauty either, she had crooked teeth and was much more overweight than her pic had suggested (in it she was wearing a huge winter coat and her face was framed by a furry hood, so it was hard to tell). But she was kind of cute, and nevertheless I wanted to make it a fun date since I got out of my way to meet her. I'm a gentleman above all.

 

I suppose this thread has got to have a question right? So what course of action do you recommend? I can't go for girls ten years younger than me because I'd feel like a creep. I want to move away from OLD, but girls my age never give me any indications of interest, always turning their heads when I look at them. I suppose in their minds they don't want to encourage a kid. I obviously can't change the way I look. I work out, but it does nothing for my face. I suppose that once I'm 50 I'll look more mature and masculine, but I don't want to put my love life on hold for the next twenty years. I want to have fun while I'm still young. And why doesn't my personality count? I'm the same person both online and offline. Yet once they decide they're not attracted to me physically, it's already over. Can't win them over anymore. I thought looks were important, but secondary to personality and lifestyle. I guess that's wrong.

[Failboy]

I have the same problem. Only besides looking young, I am also short and make little money. Seeing how a tall guy who makes money has the same experience really makes me not care about making more money

 

It is beyond me how so many women feel entitled to just put someone on ignore after seeing a pic or to be totally rude and dismissive on a date just because the guy looks young. Especially if they aren't too attractive themselves. Really crazy how below average looking girls almost feel insulted when they first see me because I had the audacity to date them.

[Ninjainpajamas]

I'm going to speak objectively, not that I'm telling to "change" who you are, but being realistic as well.

 

If you're a bit on the skinny side, I've noticed that body type can have a bit of an effect on how old you perceive someone to be...it happens to me all the time. I'll see a woman who from behind, dresses younger, has the body of someone I'd expect to be younger, then I see her face and realize she's not as young. I've also had the same situation happen with younger women, they're dressed "older" at least to my perception, maybe a little more sophisticated, probably has to do with hair and makeup, only to really look at them a little closer (I typically glance at women unless they really catch my attention) and realize they aren't as old...especially if they open their mouths and talk like they're 16.

 

So objectively I'd cover the bases:

 

- How do you dress? what's your overall style? do you just dress still like you're in your early 20's? have you tried dressing up a little more?

 

I've seen older guys dress like young skater guys and If they clearly look older it looks odd, but for someone like you it sounds like it'd be convincing...which wouldn't be a good thing obviously if you're going for women your age.

 

However I have a feeling that isn't your problem so much.

 

- Facial hair/5 o'clock shadow...are you clean shaven?

 

I used to have a baby face in my early to mid 20's, clean shaven I'd take off 2 or 3 off of myself easily, maybe even more. I used to have a "real job" too and I noticed that people treated me completely different with and without facial hair. And most guys were much older than I was at the time, so I clearly stood out. Although I was hit on by a lot of "cougars", so If you're into the older type I don't think looking youthful is a bad thing.

 

- Maturity/personality

 

Not something you might necessarily be able to control, but If you act younger then I'm sure you will be taken as so much easier.

 

Try to be a little more assertive and confident, don't "act" like a young guy...which to me is essentially someone who is more on the shy, introverted side that doesn't know how to take the initiative. Your aura may match your youthful look and be taken for immaturity, I really can't say for certain but I've worked in sales and I know from practice If you feel and act a certain way, people will definitely respond to it and treat you differently...I learned that very young and that helped me mature more quickly than I already was.

 

Age will also eventually catch up to you...I think it's a good thing you look young at 28, maybe it's not the best advantage you have right now but considering everyone after 30 is essentially starting to try to look as young as possible, you're going to be ahead of the pack...and like most men, their prime is in their 30's, especially for those who were more focused on schooling/careers, it's those guys that are the type women are after now....instead of the bad boy that breaks their heart and is unpredictable.

 

I'm sure if you keep looking, you'll eventually find someone that suits you, there's women out there with the same problem, especially asian women...I can't tell for the life of me how old they are are at times...I've met women in their 30's that looks in their early 20's and they have 2 to 4 kids on topof it but still small and skinny...you'd never think they were a mom/house wife or in their 30's.

 

I caught up to my age in my late 20's and now early 30's, now I am a masculine manly looking guy, which was odd for me because in my early 20's I was the baby-faced, youthful looking guy that I felt didn't always get the respect, but that was a good thing because I had to earn it and I did...but now I feel my personality, demeanor and looks all line up...I would make a few requests to the age fairy about growing older thus far, but give it a few years, things change in the 30's...for now, don't be so hard on yourself, I promise you that you will get older

 

Honestly If I were you I'd try to date women a little younger than you, maybe 3 to 5 years (if you can, for me that would difficult at your age), because you sound also on the inexperienced side and I would say that likely shows as well. Otherwise, shoot for older women...you'd be surprised, they can't tell how old you are anyway, the older you get the younger people in their 20's look anyway, they all start to look similar age..at least to me

[Mr_Flay]

Ninjainpajamas, to answer your questions:

 

1) For work I always wear a suit and a tie, our dress code demands it. All my suits and ties have been carefully chosen by me in collaboration with my female friends, and they fit as though they were tailored specifically for me, so I know they're attractive. I can guarantee that, when I go to work, I am the most sharply dressed person around, and I get compliments for that. Outside of work I usually wear jeans and a casual button shirt. For outdoor activities it's a tracksuit or something equally suitable. No baggy pants or hoodies for me. If it's anything mature-looking about me, it's the clothes.

 

2) I don't like to be clean shaven, since it makes me look even younger. I maintain a 5 o'clock shadow. I've been thinking of going full beard, but that's not an option for the time being since I still have patches on my face where beard doesn't grow so it'd look ridiculous.

 

3) I can be goofy around people I'm comfortable with, but I try to look serious and dignified in the appropriate situations. Around the opposite sex I smile a lot and am genial and polite. I joke around whenever I can. Not sure about anything beyond that, I'd have to ask someone who knows me well. Can you give examples of not acting as a young guy?

 

4) I take a firm stance on issues of import and I believe I'm generally mature. At least that was my salient characteristic in high school, but I doubt I've dumbed down in the past ten years.

 

Regarding working out, I do it intermittently, but more in the past couple of months. I don't see any huge improvement, but that's probably because I don't adhere to a very strict protein diet. I never thought that would be the issue, though. How much muscle can you see under a big coat or jacket anyway? Is it really a dealbreaker to just be normal, neither overweight nor buffed? Plenty of skinny men have girlfriends.

[Ninjainpajamas]

1) For work I always wear a suit and a tie, our dress code demands it. All my suits and ties have been carefully chosen by me in collaboration with my female friends, and they fit as though they were tailored specifically for me, so I know they're attractive. I can guarantee that, when I go to work, I am the most sharply dressed person around, and I get compliments for that. Outside of work I usually wear jeans and a casual button shirt. For outdoor activities it's a tracksuit or something equally suitable. No baggy pants or hoodies for me. If it's anything mature-looking about me, it's the clothes.

 

Honestly, this is the impression I got from you. But didn't want to make that assumption off the bat.

 

2) I don't like to be clean shaven, since it makes me look even younger. I maintain a 5 o'clock shadow. I've been thinking of going full beard, but that's not an option for the time being since I still have patches on my face where beard doesn't grow so it'd look ridiculous.

 

I can't grow a thick beard myself, but I also wouldn't want to or recommend it. I let it grow when I'm feeling a bit rugged and could give a damn what anybody thinks, but I shave it shortly after as it starts to irritate my skin and I don't like it necessarily long.

 

Younger women generally always prefer clean shaven. Older women either don't mind, or still prefer clean shaven, a few prefer beards.

 

3) I can be goofy around people I'm comfortable with, but I try to look serious and dignified in the appropriate situations. Around the opposite sex I smile a lot and am genial and polite. I joke around whenever I can. Not sure about anything beyond that, I'd have to ask someone who knows me well. Can you give examples of not acting as a young guy?

 

This is what really screams out to me about you. You seem too square, too polite and formal. You wait for things to in your comfort zone or wait for the signal from women instead of being more assertive and relaxed.

 

This to me signals you come off as a nice guy, but many women are going to find that a bit too square and boring. You've got to be able to loosen up and relax and be yourself, or you're just giving off that car rental commercial disney representative vibe...it's great for kids, not so much for women.

 

I get the sense you might be coming off as being one-dimensional and lacking confidence, in terms of interpersonal demeanor...when you've got to be able to keep it interesting with women, especially if they are on the fence with you...and that means taking risks, and that means speaking your mind, not being over apologetic for doing or saying the wrong thing, and trying to be too accommodating to a woman's needs, you shouldn't treat women like you would a child, with that same demeanor if you know what I mean.

 

A lot of men that I see who are bad with women, kinda princess treat them up like they're these damsels in distress, don't be afraid to be a man and be opinionated or be open, honest and straight-forward. You don't have to put on an act, you just gotta learn the dating world dynamics which you will if you're taking chances.

4) I take a firm stance on issues of import and I believe I'm generally mature. At least that was my salient characteristic in high school, but I doubt I've dumbed down in the past ten years.

 

Regarding working out, I do it intermittently, but more in the past couple of months. I don't see any huge improvement, but that's probably because I don't adhere to a very strict protein diet. I never thought that would be the issue, though. How much muscle can you see under a big coat or jacket anyway? Is it really a dealbreaker to just be normal, neither overweight nor buffed? Plenty of skinny men have girlfriends.

 

Don't forget to be a good listener, that there will give you a big boost. If you're just this unwavering nerd about things, it's just going to be unappealing, especially if you just like to hear the sound of your own voice a bit too much...so if you run your mouth, better make sure it's interesting to your partner unless she's really into you and isn't paying attention anyway.

 

Some women have an obsession with feeling "small", so if you're a shorter, skinny bone jones, that's going to make them feel "big"...this might be a drawback if you're into the booty and tatas like I am (among others, I like all types). If you're into the smaller framed women, you probably want to go towards that range, someone closer in height and that you're the same frame or bigger than. Of course some women don't care but without any dating experience you might not be able to compensate for what you lack unless they find you appealing regardless.

 

Keep in mind this is the "dating world" I'm speaking of...you could very well meet someone who is just simply into you and you are into them....however don't expect a broad general amount of success with women across the board...if you're looking for someone to accept you just exactly the way you are, then jump on the wagon, there's plenty of people on it already...but if you want to be successful in the dating world you've got to be realistic to what most people are looking for and how most people will size you up, because after all in general it's a competition and if you don't have the basics down or nothing to separate you from the pack...how are you going to just "stand out" to someone unless they're willing to get to know you first? which isn't easy if you're just waiting for ***** to come to you.

[Leegh]

I think you haven't met the right girl yet. I have discovered that when someone doesn't like me, it may not be about me at all. It may be they are still hung up on a previous relationship and aren't "emotionally available" yet. There are many people who are dating who are still in a relationship, but maybe at the end of it. I have read extensively why people are attracted to other people, and I believe we are basically attracted to people who have the personality traits (even the negative traits) of our parents, (or of the person/people) who raised us. So being rejected is nothing personal. I had read that many, many years ago the founder of Hershey's candy, Mr. Hershey proposed to a woman, and was turned down, and they never married. People make bad decisions. So, in your case, it is her loss, not yours, as you sound like a great person. If you do want to try to look older, perhaps you could grow a moustache or beard, or some type of glasses, as glasses tend to make folks look older.

[Mr_Flay]

This is what really screams out to me about you. You seem too square, too polite and formal. You wait for things to in your comfort zone or wait for the signal from women instead of being more assertive and relaxed.

 

This to me signals you come off as a nice guy, but many women are going to find that a bit too square and boring. You've got to be able to loosen up and relax and be yourself, or you're just giving off that car rental commercial disney representative vibe...it's great for kids, not so much for women.

 

I get the sense you might be coming off as being one-dimensional and lacking confidence, in terms of interpersonal demeanor...when you've got to be able to keep it interesting with women, especially if they are on the fence with you...and that means taking risks, and that means speaking your mind, not being over apologetic for doing or saying the wrong thing, and trying to be too accommodating to a woman's needs, you shouldn't treat women like you would a child, with that same demeanor if you know what I mean.

 

Maybe it's the nature of Internet forums, but whatever someone says tends to be taken to the extreme. If I say I tell jokes, you'll say I'm too goofy. If I say I sometimes play computer games, you'll picture me as a nerd who lives in a basement. I don't blame you for that, because you really don't know me and can't go by anything other than what I type here.

 

Let me assure you that I'm not so formal as I may come across here, where I don't know anyone. I've described one date that went bad, but there were more good dates than bad, it's just that they never lead anywhere. I've had dates which were prolonged unexpectedly because we had fun and the conversation flowed. So we sat there for more than three hours until the waiter asked us to leave because it was closing time. And what about all those girls who like talking to me online... It must be that they at least like my personality, otherwise they wouldn't even be interested in talking to me. And girls do like talking to me both online and offline. It's just the romantic/sexual context that's missing. I try to flirt, but it's never reciprocated. On one date I just kissed the girl because I darn felt like it . She seemed happy about it and we kissed some more later, but the next day I got a LJBF e-mail from her. I don't treat women as princesses; I treat them as decent human beings (until proven otherwise, at least). I don't put them on a pedestal; thankfully, I grew out of that phase some eight years ago.

 

What I do is try to show them a good time and indicate interest in them (if there is any on my part). Just a fun, upbeat conversation, not a job interview, to see if we connect. I've always though that just being myself – and I am very pleased with my life in general – will attract someone to me. Perhaps I'm just being naive and I have to employ those PUA seduction tricks I keep hearing about to get anywhere. But thanks for the advice nonetheless. I shall meditate upon it.

 

In line with me coming across so formal, I avail myself of this opportunity to extend to you the assurance of my highest consideration.

[Mr_Flay]

or some type of glasses, as glasses tend to make folks look older.

 

Pffft! Don't speak to me about glasses. I pride myself on having eagle eyesight, why should I give up that? It's an advantage when you can recognise someone from a distance before they even spot you.

 

And yeah, maybe I haven't met the right girl yet. But why are people hooking up left and right then while I don't get any real opportunities?

[Mr_Flay]

Well thats kind of sad too have too go true such a date.

But it may make you stronger.

 

How do you look younger? your face? your height?do you act childish?

how is your voice?how do you dress?hair?

 

I think it's my face. I'm 185 cm tall (at least 6 feet in American terms) and definitely taller than all the women I know. Except for my boss, she's 62 and taller than anyone else. My voice...normal, I think. Well, not the "booming voice from the sky", but I wouldn't exactly qualify for Vienna Boys' Choir either. I've covered the way I dress, and my hairstyle is normal cropped men's hair. I don't act childish, except I'm with someone I've known for a long time. You don't live at all if you can't be goofy from time to time. I'm just normal and friendly. Try to engage people in conversation.

 

Maybe it will help if you start telling the person at a certain point

that you look younger but you are very adult (if its so).etc.

So that there can be kind of less surprises at the dates.

 

I've thought about that, and sometimes I do that in a playful manner. Besides, I've got recent pics. But I'm very careful, so that it doesn't come off as me being insecure about that. I've heard that's a pretty big turn-off for people, though I'm usually not turned off by other people's minor insecurities.

[ScreamingTrees]

Honestly, if you REALLY look that young, I don't see why dating a girl in her early twenties would be a major issue. My father's 10 years older than my mother. It's not as big a deal as you both get older and it's not the biggest age difference.

 

By the way, why don't you just put photos up ahead of time to show how young you look? That way even if you get fewer traffic, the traffic you do get will likely not care or be totally into you looking so young for your age.

[Mr_Flay]

By the way, why don't you just put photos up ahead of time to show how young you look? That way even if you get fewer traffic, the traffic you do get will likely not care or be totally into you looking so young for your age.

 

Heh, yes, that has been my strategy lately. Less traffic, but I don't waste any time with the ones that wouldn't like me anyway. And I'd try dating younger, but aren't teenagers immature and flighty?

[Leegh]

Pffft! Don't speak to me about glasses. I pride myself on having eagle eyesight, why should I give up that? It's an advantage when you can recognise someone from a distance before they even spot you.

 

And yeah, maybe I haven't met the right girl yet. But why are people hooking up left and right then while I don't get any real opportunities?

People may be "hooking up left and right" but those people may break up at some point, and they will be single again and looking. Your turn will come to have a relationship, be patient; as patience is one of the greatest virtues a person can have in all areas of life.

[TheZebra]

We're on the same boat - maybe we should date! lol

 

I went out to dinner with friends of my parents a few weeks ago and they were asking me questions like 'did you get your license yet?' and I'm thinking... I already graduated college and have been working for a few years now... do I really look 16?! Everyone always thinks I'm 6-10 years younger than I really am for some reason. Well, at least I'll appreciate it more when I'm older.

[Charlie Harper]

I have Michael J Fox Sindrome and its not PARKINSONS!! lol.

 

I used to carry around my passport so I could enter some places and concerts when I was in my mid 30´s... now In my 40s I am so happy because I look a lot younger and even my wife who is 5 years younger starts to look older than me... Enjoy!!!

[Failboy]

I personally settle for cougars and teens... both have their disadvantages, but it is certainly better than being a pariah. My ex is 37, my current project is 18. I am almost 26. Hooking up with a 26-year-old is pretty much the least likely scenario at this point for me. Some older ones are attracted to someone who is young and can last in bed, some younger ones are attracted because it is so cool to date a real adult (even if he doesn't really look that way)... Girls our age, mid-to-late-20s, don't care for young because they still feel young enough themselves and they don't care for old because they are established adults themselves. They don't give a shiiit about us. I've stopped trying a while ago. Getting cougars or teens is already hard enough for me, I have no desire to make it even harder by going for women in my age range.

[Mr_Flay]

We're on the same boat - maybe we should date! lol

 

And people will say "Aww, teen romance". There's a new girl I'll meet next week. She's 23 but says she looks 18 and gets carded everywhere. Maybe she'll understand my "condition". Funny, though, my first girlfriend was a year older than me. She didn't mind.

 

People may be "hooking up left and right" but those people may break up at some point, and they will be single again and looking. Your turn will come to have a relationship, be patient; as patience is one of the greatest virtues a person can have in all areas of life.

 

They may break up or they may not, but that's beside the point. They're getting experience with the opposite sex, and probably much fun in the process, with some inevitable heartbreak. All the while people are patting me on the head, saying "your time will come". Well surely I'm not any worse than people who attract the other sex regularly... I have come to realise that nothing happens for me spontaneously, and that I have to solve some problems if I want to experience things that are normal for most people.

[40 Fonzarelli]

I have the same problem. Im 33 but look 24. Girls my age think I look too young, or they dont even bother finding out how old I am. Girls younger than me are fine until they find out my age. Sometimes its a factor, sometimes not. There's nothing you can really do except to think positive and accept yourself. I don't consider this a major obstacle, being that some guys are really short, etc which is way worse in my opinion. The things that help me a bit is to workout and gain some muscle, have some facial hair, and wear nice clothes and make sure they fit well. Good luck!

[Mr_Flay]

Cause those short people i know , or that looks younger , once they open their mouth , people gets like oh i thought you where very younger.

Cause they speak very much like a adult etc. and have a mature voice.

And people can hear that they are no kid etc.

 

I wonder...Is the first impression so strong that it cannot be overwritten by what you learn about the person later?

[FitChick]

Do you have a baby face? Chubby cheeks, receding chin, small jaw, small nose, big eyes, high, rounded forehead?

[Mr_Flay]

Do you have a baby face? Chubby cheeks, receding chin, small jaw, small nose, big eyes, high, rounded forehead?

 

I may look like a boy, but not like a baby. Maybe I would be better off looking like a baby. Women like to care for babies.

[Mr_Flay]

Fixed. 10 chars.

 

Thanks, mate! But I still prefer the Weeping Wall of text to get my yarn of woe rolling.