B SO Wont leave

[jwi71]

My little one and I were shopping this last weekend and she told me that "daddy said he's hoping you'll let him stay till he finds another job"

 

OK...major pet peeve.

 

Why the hell is HE using the kids to deliver messages? WTF.

 

I hope you arent as well wanting more. Leave the kids out of it.

 

I would, seeing as you are trying to avoid eviction (prolly the best idea for awhile anyway), sit him down and have a talk.

 

1) No more using the kids as messengers - he has a pair of testicles so he act like it and actually tell you himself. Put an end to that and right quick. Maybe shouldn't say anything about his testicles though.

 

2) Come to an agreement on this. Give him X amount of time to look and past that he leaves. Maybe keep in mind a small subsidy...say X per month for 4 or 6 months to help him out.

 

But seriously......DON'T use the kids.

 

That just aggravates the hellouttame.

[BetrayedH]

My little one and I were shopping this last weekend and she told me that "daddy said he's hoping you'll let him stay till he finds another job"

 

Ugh. Sounds like you need to have a direct conversation with BSO so you can avoid this kind of business. I see too many people using kids to pass messages or to get their kids on their side of an issue. One thing I will grant my exW is that she doesn't do it and neither do I. My kids love and have the love of both of their parents and they're not in the middle of anything but doing their homework.

 

What's your thought-process, WM? What do you think is best (about your BSO and kids)?

 

BTW, since when did this thread become all about you and your issues anyway? The rest of us were trying to insult each other and have an argument here.

[wanting more]

Ugh. Sounds like you need to have a direct conversation with BSO so you can avoid this kind of business. I see too many people using kids to pass messages or to get their kids on their side of an issue. One thing I will grant my exW is that she doesn't do it and neither do I. My kids love and have the love of both of their parents and they're not in the middle of anything but doing their homework.

 

What's your thought-process, WM? What do you think is best (about your BSO and kids)?

 

BTW, since when did this thread become all about you and your issues anyway? The rest of us were trying to insult each other and have an argument here.

 

 

:-). Well I did sit back and just read for a little bit

 

 

I'm not looking to kick him out just yet. I did tell him that we need to sit and talk this weekend.

 

And I know it sucks that he's talking to the kids about this. I HATE that!!!!

[BetrayedH]

I'm not looking to kick him out just yet. I did tell him that we need to sit and talk this weekend.

 

And I know it sucks that he's talking to the kids about this. I HATE that!!!!

 

Have you thought about what might be a reasonable deadline? Has he ever suggested anything specific?

[wanting more]

Have you thought about what might be a reasonable deadline? Has he ever suggested anything specific?

 

 

I'm not sure what's reasonable. I know I need to come up with something because if not, I'm sure he won't be that aggressive in looking for a new job

[BetrayedH]

I'm not sure what's reasonable. I know I need to come up with something because if not, I'm sure he won't be that aggressive in looking for a new job

 

Yeah, I don't think the "until I find a job" concept is a good one. That could be a few years. I was hoping perhaps that at any point he may have indicated something specific like, "I hope to move out in 2-3 months." Then you could nail it down and it nearly sounds like it was his idea.

 

Perhaps the first conversation needs to just be opening up the dialogue and asking him to come up with a plan. Stress that the status quo is not healthy or sustainable and so we need to be moving towards detachment. Put the ball is his court. Maybe it doesn't hapoen this time but if he fails to determine a plan, the ball is back in your court to pursue something like eviction (which would likely give him a minimum 30 days anyway). I don't know your local laws; apologies if it was discussed earlier in the thread.

[wanting more]

Meh, so the child asked are you leaving daddy and he answered honestly. I don't see that as giving the kid a message.

 

I don't see what is in it for him to leave. So why would he? He's making your life harder is all, well why would he care?

 

Also it's quite normal for people to be down after being fired and not look for a job immediately. To lose job and partner and kids and house all at once, well I would only do that to my worst enemy.

 

There's a lot of venom on here at a stranger who never tells his side of the story.

I don't get that. I don't see why he should leave if he doesn't want to.

 

The only venom coming out is YOU at me as an OW.

[BetrayedH]

He's not married to her, hasn't paid for the asset, and isn't welcome. That's it. It's like asking how you rid yourself of a houseguest that has overtstayed their welcome. It's known and understood that they are not reconciling. I would not want to be in the house with an ex either.

[wanting more]

He's not married to her, hasn't paid for the asset, and isn't welcome. That's it. It's like asking how you rid yourself of a houseguest that has overtstayed their welcome. It's known and understood that they are not reconciling. I would not want to be in the house with an ex either.

 

It doesn't really matter to her. I'm the OW. I deserve to be treated horribly and he should get whatever he wants cause I cheated. Whores don't deserve respect, or anything really in hef eyes. She's one of the people on here (probably the only one in my eyes) that really shouldn't be on here. And thankfully there are more people like you (betrayedH) who make it easier to keep coming back and reading and asking did advice. For that I thank you!!!

[wanting more]

BH she wouldn't have called him her BSO if he was a houseguest. He'd have no right to say he'd been betrayed if they hadn't had a long term domestic partnership with a house and children (plenty of wives live in houses owned by their H are they also merely houseguests?)..

 

He may not want to live with an ex but he may have too much going on with the betrayal and the job loss. One of my friends basically quit her job and took 2 years to get back after she was betrayed. I don't think a marriage license makes much difference.

 

I knew you'd have a friend/neighbor/co-worker/relative whose in this situation

[BetrayedH]

It doesn't really matter to her. I'm the OW. I deserve to be treated horribly and he should get whatever he wants cause I cheated. Whores don't deserve respect, or anything really in hef eyes. She's one of the people on here (probably the only one in my eyes) that really shouldn't be on here. And thankfully there are more people like you (betrayedH) who make it easier to keep coming back and reading and asking did advice. For that I thank you!!!

 

Well, despite my username, because of my revenge affair with a married woman, I can also be labeled a WH and a MM. I'm not in much of a position to throw stones (doesn't always stop me). I am fortunate that when people get to know me more personally and look past the titles, they see that my errors came from a broken place and I worked hard to change from that person.

 

I have gotten to know you beyond the OW abbreviation and witnessed first hand how you struggled for many hours in the middle of many nights to figure out how to best confess your affair to a BS. You did a lot of introspection and went thru many drafts trying to do the right thing without vengeance and unnecessary hurt. I was and remain very proud of you for that effort. The fact is that there are few bad people but we can make some bad decisions. When you stopped those bad decisions, in my mind you stopped being defined by your affair. If you want support in trying to determine the right thing, I will be there for you everytime.

 

I will admit that I have diffiulty with APs that are active and unremorseful. I don't and cannot support that POV. But I KNOW that people are redeemable even from the deepest depth of the rabbit hole. If I have an approach, it's to engage in an ethical conversation. I think that's why many people are here; they are facing an ethical dilemma and want to hear other perspectives. I don't find name-calling to be particularly influential so I focus on the intellectual end of things. I also try not to seek out OM/OW threads unless someone appears to be ethically conflicted about their behavior. I'm not likely to influence LFH, cocorico, trinity. But I will do the point-and-counterpoint thing with them when a conflicted OP is at the center of the thread. It's just how I am choosing to handle to my end of the conflict for now; it sure morphs over time. I would like to be better about avoiding some of the philosophical threads (the bitter and naive ones, for example) because there is rarely an OP that benefits. It's just a forum for a big argument. Any of us that goes in there are kinda just asking for whatever we get. For now I'm doing well at ignoring the ones in this forum where my voice is unwelcome. I'm a work in progress.

[wanting more]

Meh, so the child asked are you leaving daddy and he answered honestly. I don't see that as giving the kid a message.

.

 

Once again, you read how you want to

 

My little one didn't ask him if he was leaving, HE said to her that he's hoping I let him stay. He started the conversation. He didn't answer her honestly, he pulled her in with saying this, knowing she'd tell me

[Decorative]

Wanting More-

 

Is family therapy a possibility to devise strategies with a third party to help your ex transition out of the house? And into a new situation?

 

You'll need to co-parent, so maybe he would go with you for the sake of the kids? And clarity will come?

[wanting more]

please don't view yourself that way.

You are a good person, and while I can't say I agree with affairs, you are much more than the fact that you were once an other woman. there is so much more to you.

 

Thank you.

 

I don't view myself like that, one poster on here does.

[wanting more]

Wanting More-

 

Is family therapy a possibility to devise strategies with a third party to help your ex transition out of the house? And into a new situation?

 

You'll need to co-parent, so maybe he would go with you for the sake of the kids? And clarity will come?

 

That's a great idea. I will Definately start looking into that and talk to him and hope he's open to that

[BetrayedH]

BH she wouldn't have called him her BSO if he was a houseguest. He'd have no right to say he'd been betrayed if they hadn't had a long term domestic partnership with a house and children

 

There is some conjecture here.

 

As I recall, he has not always lived there but, in fact, they were separated and he lived some number of states away from his children by mutual consent for a period of time. She set this house up and has paid for it all if I remember right. Feel free to set me straight WM as my memory could be off. I think "houseguest" is a far more apt description than any other term. More recently he suggested that if he goes again, he's leaving the children and all for good. Well, ain't that just wonderful. God forbid the man find his own place and come to some agreement on parenting. Maybe he can just squat with his ex until she kicks him out and then he can blame her when he abandons his kids. It's not as simple as saying that the house is in her name and they're not married so she's just using legality to kick him out. And just because he's a BS doesn't make him a saint. It turns out that it's complicated, which is why she's asking for advice.

[BetrayedH]

That's a great idea. I will Definately start looking into that and talk to him and hope he's open to that

 

WM, I know you looking into (if you didn't already attend) some kind of joint counseling, not in the hopes of reconciling but in trying to determine how to coparent. I thought it was a tall order considering how pissed off the guy was at the time but still a smart thing to attempt. I can't remember, did that go anywhere? Did you go? Did you come to any agreements?

[BetrayedH]

I probably actually owe BetrayedH an apology. He's never been anything but respectful to me even if he thinks poorly of my choices.

 

Eh, I don't think so. You're usually pretty clear about who you're not happy with. But I tell you what, just in case, you give up your OM and we'll call it even.

[stillafool]

:-). Well I did sit back and just read for a little bit

 

 

I'm not looking to kick him out just yet. I did tell him that we need to sit and talk this weekend.

 

And I know it sucks that he's talking to the kids about this. I HATE that!!!!

 

Why are you changing your mind now? If you really want him to leave because the kids are unhappy with him there how are they going to be happy seeing him in the future? So if he decides not to see the kids again that is his problem. You can't let him stay there just so the kids will have access to him. Afterall they don't even want him around.

 

If you really want him out of there, set a date, rent him a room and give him the key, then change the locks on the door. That's all you can do.

[wanting more]

WM, I know you looking into (if you didn't already attend) some kind of joint counseling, not in the hopes of reconciling but in trying to determine how to coparent. I thought it was a tall order considering how pissed off the guy was at the time but still a smart thing to attempt. I can't remember, did that go anywhere? Did you go? Did you come to any agreements?

 

We did MC, Then went to him individually then together again. Once the MC suggest he move out because of his anger issues, he stopped going. Maybe he'll look at it differently of its a family counselor.

[wanting more]

Why are you changing your mind now? If you really want him to leave because the kids are unhappy with him there how are they going to be happy seeing him in the future? So if he decides not to see the kids again that is his problem. You can't let him stay there just so the kids will have access to him. Afterall they don't even want him around.

 

If you really want him out of there, set a date, rent him a room and give him the key, then change the locks on the door. That's all you can do.

 

I'm not changing my mind. I do feel bad that he doesn't have a job now.

I'm hoping to talk to him and set a date

[Darth Vader]

Thanks. I know it's not good he's still here, there's soooo much tension. The kids have commented to me and each other it would be so much better if he'd leave.

 

I know I've hurt him so much And I have so much guilt because of it, and I do think a lot About if he leaves, he'll be out of the kids life and I know they still need him in their lives. The younger ones are almost teenagers.

 

He has disappeared for a while from them. My younger ones were too young to remember. My oldest one does remember, ONE of the reasons they don't have a very good relationship now. I'm really hoping the younger 2 end up differently

 

 

Do your children know of your 3 year long affair and what it's done to your husband (their Father)? It seems to me your husband is still reeling from extreme pain (which you willingly caused), plus living nothing but a lie for all those 3 years while you got to have your fun riding your OM and betraying your children as well! Have you even come to grips as to how much you've utterly destroyed this man? He needs help, TODAY (something's wrong here)! He acts like he can't move on, because of his pain, he may not know where to begin.

 

If your children don't know, it's time to tell them, because it sounds like they don't know what you did to their Father and the reason/s he left! Then they may be more understanding of what's going on.

[wanting more]

My children do know about the A. He told them, all 3 in a very very ugly way.

[wanting more]

Yes they do. But then, they live in my house, they have many things in their past that their father has done that THEY remember. I've kept many things from them so they wouldn't have to deal with it and hold more grudges against him. (unfortunately my oldest remembers the most and that's why she's fot a shi**y relationship with him now)

 

I know you'll never see (since I'm a cheater) but I'm a GREAT mom. I'm my kids everything.

 

And by the way, I have GREAT, smart, responsible, loving kids.

[wanting more]

Given I think faithfulness, honesty and loyalty are the biggest things we must model to our kids to be a good parent- I don't see that as compatible. I also think self praise is no recommendation. Those who are great parents never have to say that. It speaks for itself.

 

There is not a BS, OW , OM on here I'd want to be disrespectful to. But you I don't care about. Theres not much pis*ses me off but don't fu*ken talk about my children or my parenting skills!!!!