CreepShow Posted January 19, 2013 Posted January 19, 2013 I have been browsing these forums for the past week and I have gained A LOT of useful help, and great information. I do however see one big problem with this whole NC idea. Now I fully understand the reason for NC is to "get over" the ex. Its touted as the best way and i have no doubt that it is a very effective route to take. I also believe that NC plays an essential role in "getting your ex back". Kinda funny how that works.. anyyyyhow on to my point. Everytime some poor sap (im one) comes on here and tells their story, and says "how do I get him/her back"!? Nearly everyone instantly says, Its over, forget it, move on to someone better, etc, they never come back.. However: I read story after story of people on here saying, SHE LEFT ME FOR HER EX!! I mean I realize that just because they reconnect with their EX doesnt mean it will work in the long run, but I just feel like it happens WAYYYYYY more than some of you guys like to believe.
Ariella1984 Posted January 19, 2013 Posted January 19, 2013 In my experience, they always come back. I have never had a serious relationship where the person DIDN'T come back (not that I've had that many relationships though). Of course, it didn't end up working out because unless the reasons why the breakup happened in the first place are ironed out, it's almost guaranteed to fail again. Also, in the relationships that I ended, I always ended up going back for another go 'round, lol. I guess we shall see what happens with my current ex
cavalier99 Posted January 19, 2013 Posted January 19, 2013 It does happen but when they come back. Not when we try to get them back. Notice that they are leaving current relationship and GO to ex. the relationship with! Their other ex was well over and both parties are both recovered and try again. Therefore it is like a new relationship. And that old ex probably used NC to get over it. Just like we are doing. If my ex comes back it will be after I'm recovered (by using NC) and when she gets out if her current RS. I wont go back though. 1
FailedFirstLove Posted January 19, 2013 Posted January 19, 2013 I don't think the connection you had with your ex ever goes awy. If it was a deep connection. My memories from the first day I met him is still there and that's 4 years ago. even when I try to hate him it hurt doesn't happen. No contact is a little weird. I think it works but or people who are strong enough to overcome that. And works well if the dumper has moved on to another person. I get mixed feelings with NC. Sometimes I read it's to get your ex back. Sometimes to get over your ex. I think it's just for yourself toget it together. You don't know what NC will do. but people here preach NC alot. Some cases I can see why.
na49 Posted January 19, 2013 Posted January 19, 2013 I get what you're saying. but I feel like when most people stay in contact, they're still very emotional. because they're very emotional, they come off as desperate and not attractive to the ex who just left them. They give their ex more reasons why they ended the relationship in the first place. Time heals all wounds however, so time away from each other is much better than staying glued together after being dumped and hoping she magically feels differently one day. We don't "win" them back. They have a choice. They either want us back, or they don't. We don't really have much impact on them after they've made their original decision to get rid of us. 1
Simon Phoenix Posted January 19, 2013 Posted January 19, 2013 I don't think the connection you had with your ex ever goes awy. If it was a deep connection. My memories from the first day I met him is still there and that's 4 years ago. even when I try to hate him it hurt doesn't happen. No contact is a little weird. I think it works but or people who are strong enough to overcome that. And works well if the dumper has moved on to another person. I get mixed feelings with NC. Sometimes I read it's to get your ex back. Sometimes to get over your ex. I think it's just for yourself toget it together. You don't know what NC will do. but people here preach NC alot. Some cases I can see why. It's to move forward, but it's also the best way to get the ex to miss you. People keep trying to pigeonhole it as one or the other, but the psychological effects it has work both ways. 2
SharkTooth Posted January 19, 2013 Posted January 19, 2013 Huh! I can say from past experience that every single one of my ex's has come back. Shortest time was right around 8 months and to late, second one a little longer, again to late, and the most recent was right about 4 years, waaay to late. Everyone had the same amount of pain and sorrow. I just grew up and realized that when they did come back, I was different and they were the same. The strange part is I could call everyone of them right now and have some laughs. They just weren't the "one" but man when they dumped me I sure thought they were! There weren't any forums to help back then and your close friends couldn't take the constant cry for answers. So you did it on your own and it was tough. Hardest thing to get through being all alone. LS is incredible!
Allumere Posted January 19, 2013 Posted January 19, 2013 Good point (and catch). But I can say after surfing everywhere, everything, it's probably about 50% of the the time the EX re-enters the picture. Out of that 50% I'd say a large percentage of them re-appear to relieve their guilt (not a bad thing at all, if they handled things wrong and have grown up enough to see it, let them apologize) or they suddenly find themselves alone and think "maybe that wasn't so bad. Some are interested in re-establishing a friendship...you know, grab a beer a few times a year, send Christmas cards (I am friends with a few EXs and value them). Maybe about 10% (probably less) are interested in pursuing a "new" relationship. Now obviously age, time spent together, spent apart etc. affects all these things but I'd say the odds are way against it ever reaching the point that a relationship is on the table. 1
Author CreepShow Posted January 20, 2013 Author Posted January 20, 2013 Huh! I can say from past experience that every single one of my ex's has come back. Shortest time was right around 8 months and to late, second one a little longer, again to late, and the most recent was right about 4 years, waaay to late. Everyone had the same amount of pain and sorrow. I just grew up and realized that when they did come back, I was different and they were the same. The strange part is I could call everyone of them right now and have some laughs. They just weren't the "one" but man when they dumped me I sure thought they were! There weren't any forums to help back then and your close friends couldn't take the constant cry for answers. So you did it on your own and it was tough. Hardest thing to get through being all alone. LS is incredible! That's exactly my point. NC and it took wayyyy too long for em to come back. I know it'd gotta be no no contact, but if you wana get them back, its gotta be like NC with some like LC every few weeks or something just to stay relevant. If you get over them in the mean time, or meet someone else, then more power to ya?
NoMoreJerks Posted January 20, 2013 Posted January 20, 2013 OK, there is a major flaw with this argument: if you are the dumpee, and for much of the relationship, you had disrespected yourself by pleading, begging, etc., for them to stay every time they threatened to break up, and then they broke up with you twice (the second time apparently for good) -- how do you go about not maintaining NC, in order to remain "relevant" ? I mean, he wiped out my dignity and self-esteem in the 6 months that we were together, so I look at NC as a way of regaining that, and moving on with my life, even if I might want to entertain the idea of getting back together... I mean, at this point, I don't even know whether getting back together wouldn't put me at such a disadvantage/weak position in the relationship, especially that he is someone who is into these sorts of control games.I think in most cases, most of us dumpees have done things we are embarassed about (begging), and we see NC as a way of reclaiming our dignity. For me, if that comes at the expense of getting back together with the ex, then so be it. I cannot risk losing my dignity yet again, in order to try and grab on to a dangling carrot that is not even a promise to get back together, or even a hint that he wants to consider that possibility... 2
Author CreepShow Posted January 23, 2013 Author Posted January 23, 2013 I mean not every situation is going to be the same, and yours doesnt sound good. They dont all end like that. Although most people probably do beg and plead (i didnt do that, but I did say how I was having panick attacks, etc). After a while though, we tend to forget about the bad things and remember the good things, I guess if you timed it right you could still be able to regain your dignity and remain in contact, but its not easy.
Allumere Posted January 23, 2013 Posted January 23, 2013 (edited) That's exactly my point. NC and it took wayyyy too long for em to come back. I know it'd gotta be no no contact, but if you wana get them back, its gotta be like NC with some like LC every few weeks or something just to stay relevant. If you get over them in the mean time, or meet someone else, then more power to ya? There is no magic in this process. Its whatever works for someone. I am not a hardcore NC subscriber for a list of reasons BUT I do agree it has its time and place for healing, cooling off, etc. In other words not every one can deal with their ex for whatever reason so NC is how they choose to move on. I did LC for awhile...and got sucked in a bit...then very, very limited starting Nov since he was dating about someone and didn't want to be confused. So a few random text between us since then..all positive, pleasant.. So some form of contact was maintained over the 8 month since we broke up so I remained "relevant". He got engaged this weekend and wrote me to tell me about it. So I see no issue with LC and would do it again because thats what works for me but I am proof there is no magic bullet. He ain't coming back ever in the boyfriend capacity, the ring on the finger solidified that... Edited January 23, 2013 by Allumere
todreaminblue Posted January 23, 2013 Posted January 23, 2013 I have been browsing these forums for the past week and I have gained A LOT of useful help, and great information. I do however see one big problem with this whole NC idea. Now I fully understand the reason for NC is to "get over" the ex. Its touted as the best way and i have no doubt that it is a very effective route to take. I also believe that NC plays an essential role in "getting your ex back". Kinda funny how that works.. anyyyyhow on to my point. Everytime some poor sap (im one) comes on here and tells their story, and says "how do I get him/her back"!? Nearly everyone instantly says, Its over, forget it, move on to someone better, etc, they never come back.. However: I read story after story of people on here saying, SHE LEFT ME FOR HER EX!! I mean I realize that just because they reconnect with their EX doesnt mean it will work in the long run, but I just feel like it happens WAYYYYYY more than some of you guys like to believe. I do believe past relationships can happen over again, but that isn't really the point of whether it can happen, more so the point being, whether it should happen.Exes do come back especially in the case of another party involved or an affair......My ex has told me many times he messed up,and i could step backwards and go and revisit, but, its a case of bad move, in a lot of a cases, i feel this would be the case of the ex, bad move and the devil isnt better if you know him, however much you can forgive , past hurts are still there as scars that cloud future judgments with that person, its hard going walking backwards, so much easier to step forward, no contact is a way to step forward......so is knowledge that relationships sometimes, are meant to be over(have an ending) and not revisited.......deb
hudson701 Posted January 23, 2013 Posted January 23, 2013 Huh! I can say from past experience that every single one of my ex's has come back. Shortest time was right around 8 months and to late, second one a little longer, again to late, and the most recent was right about 4 years, waaay to late. Everyone had the same amount of pain and sorrow. I just grew up and realized that when they did come back, I was different and they were the same. The strange part is I could call everyone of them right now and have some laughs. They just weren't the "one" but man when they dumped me I sure thought they were! There weren't any forums to help back then and your close friends couldn't take the constant cry for answers. So you did it on your own and it was tough. Hardest thing to get through being all alone. LS is incredible! That's inspiring to read. Was it NC during those periods whilst both of you did some growing?
Chi townD Posted January 23, 2013 Posted January 23, 2013 You have to remember, when people start a thread that's titled, "How do I get them back" Usually, you can't. They left YOU for one reason or another. You can't FORCE someone to be with you when they don't want to. And anything you try to get them back makes you look desperate and pathetic in their eyes. You are only one part of the problem, you want them back.....but, they don't want you anymore. When a guy or a girl ends the relationship, they've already checked out of the relationship. So, it always ticks the dumpee off that the dumper can walk away and be happy about it. Because they've already mourned the loss of the relationship while they were still with you. They are miles ahead of you in the healing process.They just didn't have the guts to pull the trigger and end it until they were one hundred percent certain they were ready to move on without you. They made their decision, and unfortunately, it wasn't you. So, when people state that they want to try and get their Ex's back, their beating a dead horse. So, we try to smack them into reality and let them know that (more than likely) it's over and to embrace the reality of it. Then, we try to give them the tools and the encouragement to move on. To find their self worth and self confidence. And to achieve this, there HAS to be NC to move forward. To step on the new path and leave the Ex behind. Now, people are under the impression that NC means forever. This is not the case. You need to go NC until ALL romantic feelings for your Ex are gone for good and when you think of your Ex all you feel is indifference. If that happens, then the possibility of a friendship can occur. But not a moment before. Hopefully, that makes a little more sense to you.
DrStrangelove Posted January 23, 2013 Posted January 23, 2013 I agree with OP. I think if the reasons for breakup are able to be resolved, and the relationship was great - there is a good chance nc works. I believe it will work for me, but I am not using it for that purpose.
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