10 Years... I messed up.

[KaneAugustus]

I'm married. Have been for 10 years. I have 5 children, and I think my wife is the most amazing person in the world. I love her unquestioningly.

 

However, I have been a difficult person to live with. I accept that fact, and I realise that it has led to my wife telling me she wants to separate.

 

She told me 5 days ago. Just two days after we had the most incredible love-making we'd ever experienced in our 10 years together. I thought things were solid, else why would she be so vulnerable and passionate with me?

 

I have no illusions that I'm a moody, unpredictable man. I am. And I think it has been a major let-down for my wife. I think she thought she was getting a stable, go-getter kind of guy. I've always wished I was that, but I've also been depressed and confused by the seeming endless list of crises that follow my efforts to create a better life for us.

 

Naturally, my wife feels betrayed, like she's not getting what she signed up for, that I led her to believe I'm one way when I'm really another. The thing is, I was never disingenuous with her when we first started seeing each other. I really did love her; I really did want to be the man, the protector, the hunter-gatherer, the ultra guy. And it wasn't just romantic fancy, either: I actually felt like I could conquer the world for her, for me, for the children we made together.

 

But somewhere just after we moved in together and her getting pregnant for the first time, things just started to fall apart inside me.

 

I thought a course of Vitamin B would help with that (a fact I learned about through my wife), and it did. After about 3 weeks, I was strong again.

 

Then we went away for school. More specifically, I gained entrance into a master's program. But that fell apart, too. She became alarmed that I could not provide the stability that our life needed.

 

Now, 10 years in, I'm a financial wreck, we've moved across the country twice, and we can't foot our bills. All her dreams of a conqueror man are crushed by my failed attempts at conquering and providing for her, and I look back and realise that I'm an utter failure at living.

 

So, now I'm faced with a separation that may, one day, end in a legal divorce. I want desperately for that to not happen, but I understand that I can't force her to give me anymore than she already has.

 

I've failed, and I feel crushed, hollowed-out, devastated, and like I'm living death inside.

 

How does a person even begin to reconcile with these kinds of realities? How does anyone pluck-up under this kind of weight? How can I grow from this and become a stronger man? How can I win my lover's heart back?

 

I'm so, so, so horribly angry at myself for being so stupid and unwise. Why couldn't I see how to fix these things before we came to this?

[aMguilts]

hi kaneaugustus

 

1st thing you need to do is stop being angry withyourself and to realise that you were just one side of a coin and not the whole coin.

So unless she tried to express to you to you that she wasn`t happy and you didn`t listen, the blame game will not help you at all.

 

How do you win back her heart? Well you`ve done the 1st step already by saying that you are angry that you let it come to this.

I won`t say much more beacause it is your 1st post and more likely than not ,more will come out the more you post.

So just a quick sentence on how you can win her back.

 

Start being the man you were when you 1st met her. Be that man again.

 

aM

[Mount]

I think first thing first, everything is achievable as long as you have a plan. I guess actions will win her back - not verbal ones, real ones.

 

Financial wrecks are caused by no-brain spending, or spending way over earning, so make lists that things you need to do, the first one is that trying to get rid of debt as much/soon as you can.

 

 

I'm married. Have been for 10 years. I have 5 children, and I think my wife is the most amazing person in the world. I love her unquestioningly.

 

However, I have been a difficult person to live with. I accept that fact, and I realise that it has led to my wife telling me she wants to separate.

 

She told me 5 days ago. Just two days after we had the most incredible love-making we'd ever experienced in our 10 years together. I thought things were solid, else why would she be so vulnerable and passionate with me?

 

I have no illusions that I'm a moody, unpredictable man. I am. And I think it has been a major let-down for my wife. I think she thought she was getting a stable, go-getter kind of guy. I've always wished I was that, but I've also been depressed and confused by the seeming endless list of crises that follow my efforts to create a better life for us.

 

Naturally, my wife feels betrayed, like she's not getting what she signed up for, that I led her to believe I'm one way when I'm really another. The thing is, I was never disingenuous with her when we first started seeing each other. I really did love her; I really did want to be the man, the protector, the hunter-gatherer, the ultra guy. And it wasn't just romantic fancy, either: I actually felt like I could conquer the world for her, for me, for the children we made together.

 

But somewhere just after we moved in together and her getting pregnant for the first time, things just started to fall apart inside me.

 

I thought a course of Vitamin B would help with that (a fact I learned about through my wife), and it did. After about 3 weeks, I was strong again.

 

Then we went away for school. More specifically, I gained entrance into a master's program. But that fell apart, too. She became alarmed that I could not provide the stability that our life needed.

 

Now, 10 years in, I'm a financial wreck, we've moved across the country twice, and we can't foot our bills. All her dreams of a conqueror man are crushed by my failed attempts at conquering and providing for her, and I look back and realise that I'm an utter failure at living.

 

So, now I'm faced with a separation that may, one day, end in a legal divorce. I want desperately for that to not happen, but I understand that I can't force her to give me anymore than she already has.

 

I've failed, and I feel crushed, hollowed-out, devastated, and like I'm living death inside.

 

How does a person even begin to reconcile with these kinds of realities? How does anyone pluck-up under this kind of weight? How can I grow from this and become a stronger man? How can I win my lover's heart back?

 

I'm so, so, so horribly angry at myself for being so stupid and unwise. Why couldn't I see how to fix these things before we came to this?

[Midwestmom12]

Hi KaneAugustus,

 

I would like to try to offer help based on the fact that I am a married woman who is separated for some of the same reasons you mentioned in your post.

 

First, stop beating yourself up, you made mistakes. She made mistakes, we all make mistakes. Before you can expect your wife to forgive you for your mistakes you must forgive yourself.

 

As a woman I understand how she feels inside. For her, it is not about the financial problems, the debt or the fact that you couldn't provide stability. I don't know for sure but I know how women think because I am one. It sounds to me like the problems you mentioned stem from your guilt and shame about not being able to provide. My husband has said the same things and the reason why we are still headed for divorce is not because of the mistakes, the financial mess and the issues we had.

 

We are headed for divorce because of how he treated me over the years as a result of his anger and disappointment with himself. I am no delicate flower. I know life is hard. Your wife probably does as well and the lack of stability hurts and it's scary but honestly (speaking for myself) I can deal with that as long as I know my partner is right there with me and we are on the same page and the same side.

 

Instead he became hostile towards me, emotionally abusive and angry because of his lack of success with his career. Everything became my fault. I always had to walk on egg shells because I never knew when I would say or do something to cause him to explode. As a human being I understand his pain but honestly things got to the point where I had to make a choice. Either I was going to stay with him and take the abuse or choose myself. As women the hardest thing for us to do when we love our husbands and families is to walk away and choose ourselves.

 

Now, how does this relate to you? I think your wife loves you very much and the stability is a problem but what kind of man and husband did you become as a result of your own internal anger, shame and disappointment? You said you were moody and hard to live with. That is the part of you that your wife wants to get away from. Not the finances but the moody hard to reach man that you became. That is not who she fell in love with. I bet your a charming, funny and loving man but the problems you guys endured caused you to withdraw and put up walls that your wife probably felt she couldn't penetrate.

 

Women are wired different then men. Our love is rarely conditional. We will give and give and give until we become tired and can't take it anymore. We wander and leave when we feel unappreciated. I know you want to provide but did ever thank her and show appreciation for the fact that she loved you and stood by your side despite the fact that you weren't always able too?

 

This is all food for thought. I could be way off base and maybe I'm biased because of my own situation but once a woman locks her heart away to protect herself it is hard to get her to let it back out and give it back to you. She is afraid of loving you again only to be pushed away and hurt.

 

I agree with the poster that said become the man she fell in love with. If you can show her how much you appreciate her and give her time to heal that will be a good start. My husband hasn't been able to do that. I wish he could because honestly if he could I would try to make this marriage work. I hope I was able to offer some help.