Parents are making me choose? !

[ana8523]

Okay so, first let me say I'm sorry if this is kinda long.. I need to give some background on things. I really need help on what to do. My parents are making me choose between them and my fiancee. I am so stressed and depressed over this situation and I need some advice, please!

 

So I met my boyfriend 5 years ago when I was in High School. It was totally random how we met but I felt something so different for him. We literally fell in love instantly, and I was never one to believe in love at first sight. My parents have always been incredibly strict and controlling. My mother would call my friends parents every time I left the house to make sure I wasn't going to see someone I wasn't supposed to. to make a long story short, I was never good enough for her and no one I knew was either. She hated my boyfriend, for reasons she would never tell me. She could never give a good reason, she just hated everyone it seemed like.

 

After High school, I went to a community college across town and lived with my parents. I hate to say it but I am very dependant on them still. they pay car insurance, for my school, give me a place to live.. etc. I'm 22 years old and I'm still somewhat dependent on them, it's terrible. Things with my boyfriend were always wonderful. We spent as much time as we could together, even if I had to lie about where I was to be able to see him. My parents would always use threats like taking away the car, my phone, kicking me out.. etc. I have always been employed so I always have money coming in, but since I don't have much schooling I can't get a high paying job to allow me to pay for all these things on my own.

 

We were together for 5 years and things couldn't be better. We had our rough times but I have always been so emotionally attached to him. We were both so in love it was incredible. About 8 months ago, my mom basically kicked me out because things weren't going well between us. I moved directly into my boyfriends house, with him and his mom. I have always gotten along with his family much better than mine. I really loved living there, but things bad after a little bit. We fought a bunch more and he started to get kind of violent. We were just stressed and not doing good emotionally. I don't know why, but I finally told my parents about his abuse. I still loved him I just kind of wanted out of his house and I was afraid to leave. They took me to a different state (even though I didn't really want to) to cool down and get away from him. I tried to start over and start a life in a new state, and even think about being away from him. However, those 2 months I realized more than anything that he was the love of my life.

 

I can't even describe the bond and emotional attachment that I have with him. He truly is my soulmate, best friend, lover, and my husband all in one. I could never feel this way with anyone else. I decided I had to move back to my home state and be with him. I told my parents I would start a new life without him since they were still forbidding me to see him, especially after hearing he was going through an angry period.

 

I've been seeing him now and things could not be better. We both had time to think about things, cool down, and forgive each other for past mistakes. he is on new medicine, in counseling, and has completely worked through his anger problems. I love him more than I can describe. It is an unbreakable, amazing love that only shows me he's my soulmate. However, I still have to lie to see him. I can't talk to him around my parents or even act like i'm in communication with him. I'm 22 years old and I'm having to sneak around like a teenager. My parents tell me if they find out i'm in contact with him they'll disown me. They will kick me out, take away everything I have, and pretty much forget I was their daughter. They hate him that much. I am so torn. i would choose him in a minute because I know he's my soulmate I just can't justify being disowned from my parents for choosing to be with my soulmate. i dont have a job currently, because they made me quit my job and move out of state. I still need their car that they give me, and I still need their support.

 

Please, my parents are making me choose between them and the love of my life. I want him soo bad and I would do anything to be with him forever and marry him because I know he's The One. I can't stand the thought of being disowned, not because I would miss them (I would never miss this control) but because I still need their support. Please help me, I know this is ridiculously long and probably boring I just really need help from an outsider. What do I do?? They won't even let me bring up his name in the house. PLEASE I want to choose him, I just don't know how to go about this. It will be painful either way

[KraftDinner]

What exactly are you asking?

 

Seems to me like the best thing to do would be to keep being sneaky until you can afford to leave, and then sayonara.

 

Are you hoping to have your parents eventually accept him? They sound even worse than my mom, and she's a piece of work.

 

Your parents will never change. It's obvious you shouldn't let their toxicity make ANY decisions for you.

 

It's hard to accept that parents are in the wrong. My mom is SO toxic, it makes my head spin. And I've only recently accepted that I'm not being a 'bad daughter' or whatever for disagreeing with her or saying she's not a very nice person.

[ana8523]

Yeah I guess i'm just asking what to do. I can't let my mom control me any longer. She even said she put a tracking device on my car and that is unnaceptable, especially because my name is on the title as well. I just don't know how to go about telling them to back off and that i'm leaving. I'm so torn and I hate sneaking around. My mom is absolutely toxic, in every way and I have never gotten along with her, but I don't know how to give up her support. Sounds so stupid, I'm just so confused.. :/

[Samilia]

Okay so, first let me say I'm sorry if this is kinda long.. I need to give some background on things. I really need help on what to do. My parents are making me choose between them and my fiancee. I am so stressed and depressed over this situation and I need some advice, please!

 

So I met my boyfriend 5 years ago when I was in High School. It was totally random how we met but I felt something so different for him. We literally fell in love instantly, and I was never one to believe in love at first sight. My parents have always been incredibly strict and controlling. My mother would call my friends parents every time I left the house to make sure I wasn't going to see someone I wasn't supposed to. to make a long story short, I was never good enough for her and no one I knew was either. She hated my boyfriend, for reasons she would never tell me. She could never give a good reason, she just hated everyone it seemed like.

 

After High school, I went to a community college across town and lived with my parents. I hate to say it but I am very dependant on them still. they pay car insurance, for my school, give me a place to live.. etc. I'm 22 years old and I'm still somewhat dependent on them, it's terrible. Things with my boyfriend were always wonderful. We spent as much time as we could together, even if I had to lie about where I was to be able to see him. My parents would always use threats like taking away the car, my phone, kicking me out.. etc. I have always been employed so I always have money coming in, but since I don't have much schooling I can't get a high paying job to allow me to pay for all these things on my own.

 

We were together for 5 years and things couldn't be better. We had our rough times but I have always been so emotionally attached to him. We were both so in love it was incredible. About 8 months ago, my mom basically kicked me out because things weren't going well between us. I moved directly into my boyfriends house, with him and his mom. I have always gotten along with his family much better than mine. I really loved living there, but things bad after a little bit. We fought a bunch more and he started to get kind of violent. We were just stressed and not doing good emotionally. I don't know why, but I finally told my parents about his abuse. I still loved him I just kind of wanted out of his house and I was afraid to leave. They took me to a different state (even though I didn't really want to) to cool down and get away from him. I tried to start over and start a life in a new state, and even think about being away from him. However, those 2 months I realized more than anything that he was the love of my life.

 

I can't even describe the bond and emotional attachment that I have with him. He truly is my soulmate, best friend, lover, and my husband all in one. I could never feel this way with anyone else. I decided I had to move back to my home state and be with him. I told my parents I would start a new life without him since they were still forbidding me to see him, especially after hearing he was going through an angry period.

 

I've been seeing him now and things could not be better. We both had time to think about things, cool down, and forgive each other for past mistakes. he is on new medicine, in counseling, and has completely worked through his anger problems. I love him more than I can describe. It is an unbreakable, amazing love that only shows me he's my soulmate. However, I still have to lie to see him. I can't talk to him around my parents or even act like i'm in communication with him. I'm 22 years old and I'm having to sneak around like a teenager. My parents tell me if they find out i'm in contact with him they'll disown me. They will kick me out, take away everything I have, and pretty much forget I was their daughter. They hate him that much. I am so torn. i would choose him in a minute because I know he's my soulmate I just can't justify being disowned from my parents for choosing to be with my soulmate. i dont have a job currently, because they made me quit my job and move out of state. I still need their car that they give me, and I still need their support.

 

Please, my parents are making me choose between them and the love of my life. I want him soo bad and I would do anything to be with him forever and marry him because I know he's The One. I can't stand the thought of being disowned, not because I would miss them (I would never miss this control) but because I still need their support. Please help me, I know this is ridiculously long and probably boring I just really need help from an outsider. What do I do?? They won't even let me bring up his name in the house. PLEASE I want to choose him, I just don't know how to go about this. It will be painful either way

 

My advice is to get a full time job, go to school part time, I like I do. Problem solved. It's no easy everyday but it's so, so, rewarding.

[ImperfectionisBeauty]

Ok I'm sorry you sound really sad.. This guy was violent with you.. HELLO wake up! Your parents have you an out and you blew it! I suggest if you like having a car and a place to live you go back to your parents place or stay with a guy who will beat the **** out of you.. -_-

[ana8523]

you sound just like my mom.. I went to a women's violence counselor while I was gone to talk about all that he did to me. It was only for a few months, he was stressed and not handling it well. He is on meds, in counseling, and completely different. I have been back for a month and he hasn't even been slightly angry with me once. I love him, and he is different. I wouldn't be with him still if he continued to do that, but I know that he won't.

[ImperfectionisBeauty]

you sound just like my mom.. I went to a women's violence counselor while I was gone to talk about all that he did to me. It was only for a few months, he was stressed and not handling it well. He is on meds, in counseling, and completely different. I have been back for a month and he hasn't even been slightly angry with me once. I love him, and he is different. I wouldn't be with him still if he continued to do that, but I know that he won't.

 

I'm sorry but you don't sound like the brightest... But like I said if you enjoy getting your tail beat then more power to you. I have had stressed moments before and they don't cause me to be violent ever.

Edited January 19, 2013 by ImperfectionisBeauty

[AMusing]

Ok, your parents may be controlling and hard to deal with, and I can see how hard that is on you. But you are in a relationship with an abusive man, and that takes priority. I think any poster that doesn't urge you to get away from him missed those sentences in your OP.

 

Frankly, I can see why a parent might be tempted to disown her child when the pain of seeing her abused, and continue to return to her abuser, becomes too much. Imagine how you'd react if your own daughter one day admitted to being in an abusive relationship. Imagine the heartbreak of seeing her go back to him, of realizing that you're powerless to keep her away from him. Wouldn't you do everything to try to keep her away from him? Seeing a friend stay in an abusive relationship is heartbreaking; I can only imagine what it would be like if she were my daughter.

 

My advice to you is to get far away from this guy. I know you don't want to hear it but you need to. Trust me, I've been there: madly in love with a guy, convinced you're meant to be together, trying to explain away (or forget about) the abuse. Ok, he hasn't abused you for a month; don't you see that it isn't something to celebrate? He got violent with you and will get violent again. What happens when life gets stressful again? When he stops seeing his counselor or his meds aren't working quite right (or he decides he's fine and quits taking them)?

 

Figure out a way to love yourself more than you love this guy. You need to protect yourself! Seek more therapy and get away from your boyfriend. Then work on your relationship with your parents. You may find that once the abuser is gone, your parents are much easier to deal with; that they stop trying control you or keep tabs on where you're going. On the other hand, if they are still intolerable, then you can work on getting a job, renting an apartment, and building a life away from controlling, abusive people.