mary0301 Posted January 18, 2013 Posted January 18, 2013 So this is my story: I am married for a long time with my high-school boyfriend. It was not the great love, but it was a calm and steady relationship in which we grew up together and which gave me the emotional comfort i needed. I was always faithful to him and he was always there for me. Three years ago i moved temporarily on my own to a different country and my life totally changed. I also met him. He has a long term girlfriend, to whom he proposed before meeting me, but not married yet. We started as friends, talked a lot, mostly online, then came some flirting and after a few months we ended up sleeping together. For me at the beginning it was attraction and curiosity and then I fell completely in love. It was perfect, we have so many things in common. He told me that he also never felt like this for anybody. We did all possible to meet as often as we could and in the rest of the time we spent most of our time talking online or on the phone. I never felt happier or more alive than in those times. We started making plans of being together in the future, we were talking kids and even marriage. However, we were cowards, and since in the meantime our relationships were deteriorating, we were expecting that they would sort of end on their own. And we were scared of the hurt we would cause to our partners if we decided to tell the truth. And then came chaos, when our partners found out...it was heartbreaking, i was feeling remorseful and confused seeing my husband hurting so much. I asked him ( my lover) how he felt about the whole situation, expecting a clear answer like " i want you. Let's be together now". He was also hurt and confused and somehow i did not hear these words from him. So, under the mixed feelings of the moment, I decided that I owe it to myself and my husband to stop contact with him and to try and salvage whatever was left of my marriage. He respected my decision, even if later he told me that right then he wanted me, and he felt that i have dumped him and he would have felt humiliated to try and make me change my mind. Unfortunately I could not last long, because i started feeling for him even more than before, i thought about him all the time, and i missed him like crazy. We got back in contact. He told me he felt the same way, that it was like an addiction and that he needed me. But in the same time he was remorseful for the fact that he interfered in my marriage and for the hurt that he has caused his girlfriend. He also started seeing a priest for advice and his family also did not approve his intention to be with me due to the complications it would have caused. Me on the other hand, although i was sorry for all the hurt caused, when i realized the depth of my feelings for him, i considered that it is not fair to keep lying to myself and everybody else, and that we should get out of our relationships and be together. I felt that everything happens for a reason and if i have a chance to be truly happy, i should not waste it. I felt that I wanted to lay my whole world at his feet. But he was not ready to make this move, and felt like i was trying to rush things. This situation went on for a few long and tormenting months. Eventually he said that he wanted me more than anything but that this decision would weight too much on his conscience due to the religious beliefs regarding my marriage and the harm done to his girlfriend. I told him that I cannot have just an affair with him, because I love him too much and it would totally be against my conscience and morals, which were already bended and twisted too far. My only excuse for doing what i did and not feeling like a bitch was love ( lame excuse, i know, but this is how i felt). Now, even if he maintains his position, he keeps contacting me, tells me he is also feeling bad and even wants to see each-other. This is very confusing, and is causing me a lot of pain. I feel like i cannot go on without him and i never cried so much in my life. There is the silly part of me which keeps hoping and hangs on, and there is the rational part that screams to move on and to go on with my life and forget all about him. Please don't judge me, because i have already done that. I need your advice for getting my thoughts in order. How can you say that you love and want somebody more than anything, but in the same time you are willing to lose that person? Is there any way I can make him change his mind, or should i move on? And how on earth do i do that, with all this feelings i have?
fungusamungus Posted January 18, 2013 Posted January 18, 2013 A lot of men will not commit to women who cheated on their significant others with them, regardless of what they feel towards them. From my own perspective, a woman like that could never truly gain my trust to the point that I could ever build a committed relationship with them. Perhaps this person is not like that, but a lot of men are. 1
Blastoplast Posted January 19, 2013 Posted January 19, 2013 I would NEVER get with a woman or get back with a woman who had cheated on me or has cheated on their boyfriend in the past. It shows lack of judgement, respect and morals. I understand people and relationships change, but I look at partners like that damaged goods. My 2 cents
dumPI Posted January 19, 2013 Posted January 19, 2013 How can you say that you love and want somebody more than anything, but in the same time you are willing to lose that person? I'll just pick at this and fix it for you: How can you say that you love and want YOUR HUSBAND, but in the same time you are willing to lose that person? When you answer that question you'll answer the previous one
Author mary0301 Posted February 3, 2013 Author Posted February 3, 2013 Well....thank you for taking your time and replying. Things can really turn around very fast. Soon after posting I had an honest talk with my husband and we decided it is time to go our separate ways, since he and i were both unhappy and for me it felt good to finally be totally honest and open about my feelings. Also, he decided to break up with his girlfriend which has already happend. He already moved out. He told me that he could not keep lying to her and denying his feelings, but he is still in pain and hurting for hurting her. We met yesterday and we talked for hours and were quite confused regarding how to proceed. We want to be together, but considering the way it all started and continued, we need to do a lot of healing first. For me the first step would be to get my divorce, and i wish to go to IC to guide me through the self searching process and help me fix what was broken inside of me. Then we will take it slowly and see where we get. Hopefully our love will be strong enough to survive it all. Will update.
ruh roh Posted February 4, 2013 Posted February 4, 2013 "We want to be together, but considering the way it all started and continued, we need to do a lot of healing first". This is my first post so please forgive me if I am being too brash. Can you please explain to me how you as a married woman, can have a physical affair with an attached man, not carrying that you are utterly destroying the hearts of two other people, state this? I don't get it at all. You got what you wanted and now you have to heal??? I only ask because basically this is exactly what my wife of 23 years did to me and my two teenage boys not so long ago. I am starting to believe what I have heard so often from others and that is, once the affair is discovered, it is no longer as exciting as it seemed to be while you were cheating. The unfortunate thing for my STBXW is that she has come to actually regret the affair and ultimately leaving me, but I am a one-strike and you are out, kind of guy when it comes to having intercourse with someone other than me. Believe me I loved my wife and still do, but I have lost total respect for her, so no matter how bad my heart aches, I don't think I can ever stay married to her. I actually feel more sorrow for how she must feel, than I do for myself, but I believe that is only because of how she must feel for hurting our boys as well. I honestly hope that you had no children involved. Please don't think I'm judging you because I am not. I would just like to understand how a person who supposedly loves their spouse or significant other, can intentionally hurt them the way that you and your "lover" did? I'm hoping that maybe your answer can help me start healing as well!
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