tuxedo cat Posted January 18, 2013 Posted January 18, 2013 but you're not entirely sure, how do you manage the anxiety? Let's say the person you are seeing is acting slightly weird or remote all of a sudden but it is too early to say whether they're losing interest or it is simply a passing mood that has nothing to do with you. Do you just ignore it until it becomes clear either way? Do you act any differently around them?
skylark100 Posted January 18, 2013 Posted January 18, 2013 How long has all of sudden been? A day? A week? Can you give examples of weird too?
aliceb1987 Posted January 18, 2013 Posted January 18, 2013 I'd say keep on playing it cool and acting normally for awhile and see what happens.If the behaviour continues consistently then say something,tell him you have noticed he has seemed kind of distant lately and that if it has something to do with you you would appreciate it if he is honest with you about it.Its awful feeling anxious not knowing how someone feels about you...sometimes even a negative answer makes you feel better than the constant unknowing so i wouldnt let it drag on for long 2
D-Lish Posted January 18, 2013 Posted January 18, 2013 Give them space, that's the best thing you could do if you're sensing they are pulling away. The LAST thing you should do is poke, prod, or come on stronger (as your initial instincts might tell you to do), as that will most certainly backfire and push them either further away. 5
Jessiboo Posted January 19, 2013 Posted January 19, 2013 Give them space, that's the best thing you could do if you're sensing they are pulling away. The LAST thing you should do is poke, prod, or come on stronger (as your initial instincts might tell you to do), as that will most certainly backfire and push them either further away. I completely agree. Giving them a bit of space is the best thing to do. If it's just a passing mood, or if hey have something on their mind, they will appreciate some breathing room rather than insecurities. I've had this happen, and backing off has never been a bad move. 1
mortensorchid Posted January 19, 2013 Posted January 19, 2013 Depends on how long you have been with them. If you are only together for a few weeks, then just consider it done and move on. If you have been with that person for 6-9 months+, then you have a real problem.
Maneater Posted January 19, 2013 Posted January 19, 2013 I agree with the other poster. We need more details about the past and how weird this person is acting now to assess the situation.
Author tuxedo cat Posted January 19, 2013 Author Posted January 19, 2013 (edited) Since people have asked for more detail here goes. It's been a month but we knew each other as acquaintances for several months beforehand. Things have moved very fast, a little too fast for my comfort. He was at first very into me. He told me he had been crushing on me for ages, he told me after two weeks that he loved me, he introduced me to all his friends, he alluded to us living together at some point, he bought a new set of pillows for his apartment for me. We had sex early on for what it's worth, but that was before he made all these declarations. I was concerned about the pacing but I also really liked him and felt happy when I was with him. Everything seemed fine until after I last saw him this Wednesday night -- today is Saturday. We had been seeing each other about every other day. I thought we had a nice time together. In fact ironically I was starting to feel myself get more attached that night. The next morning he complained that he hadn't gotten much sleep. I'm a bit of a crazy sleeper -- I talk and sometimes thrash in my sleep. I apologized to him if I was to blame and he said in a coldish tone, "yeah you scared the s.hit out of me about a dozen times". He gave me a chilly goodbye when he left. Usually he'll reach down to kiss me in bed but this time he just touched my leg and said goodbye. Later that day he texted me a couple of times that he missed his girl and asked how I was. He told me that he was feeling kind of down and he didn't know why; he's prone to depression. I tried to be supportive, didn't get much of a response back. The next day, this is Friday, we ran into each other in town and he was fairly affectionate, but he told me he had barely slept the night before again -- just to be clear I wasn't with him on Thurs night so this wasn't my fault. I asked him if he wanted to hang out that night or if he was too tired. Usually he would be game, and usually he initiates our dates, but he said, "it's up to you." He was on his way to work so I let him go and he told me he'd call me, presumably about us getting together that night. I know he has a tendency to sometimes overextend himself for others and I didn't want him to feel guilted into seeing me if he needed the sleep. After I saw him I texted him, "it's totally fine if you need to get some rest tonight babe. just let me know". He was working until 9 that night so I didn't expect to hear from him until after he got out -- he is bad at making plans in advance but he always lets me know one way or the other. By 10:30 I still hadn't heard anything, so I texted him, "how goes it?" Here's what I got in response: "Got out late. Boss came by again. Feeling kinda sick to my stomach. Okay otherwise, tired. You? Love!" I wrote back that I was doing well, was sorry to hear he wasn't, and I hoped he would get some rest and have sweet dreams. He didn't respond to this with a goodnight or anything, which is again unusual for him. This was last night. I have to stress that this is a break from his usual behavior. He is usually eager to see me and writes me very sweet notes/texts. So please give me a slap upside the head if I'm being crazy or overreacting. Should I assume he's just tired? Also, what should I do from here? I'm guessing the best course of action is to not contact him and wait for him to contact me? If this continues at what point should I ask him if anything's up? FYI he is someone who withdraws if he feels people are putting demands on him so I have to tread lightly here. He is also going through a lot of work related stress so I don't want to add to it. Edited January 19, 2013 by tuxedo cat
Samilia Posted January 19, 2013 Posted January 19, 2013 Give them space, that's the best thing you could do if you're sensing they are pulling away. The LAST thing you should do is poke, prod, or come on stronger (as your initial instincts might tell you to do), as that will most certainly backfire and push them either further away. That, with an emphasis on playing it cool. 1
Leegh Posted January 19, 2013 Posted January 19, 2013 I would not contact him unless he contacts you first. If he texts you, for example, wait a while (several hours or more) before you respond, let him wonder how you feel. Let the shoe be on the other foot, so to speak. If you hear absolutely nothing from him, you could contact him in about a month for clarity.
tigressA Posted January 19, 2013 Posted January 19, 2013 You can try pulling back and leaving him alone, but that probably won't do much. Sounds like he's losing interest. My last relationship, the exact same things started happening. He just overall became more distant from me, not as sweet and attentive, cold, etc, then boom: break-up. But looking back now, I could see it coming. All the signs were there. I would give it a few more days and if nothing changes, start moving on.
Author tuxedo cat Posted January 19, 2013 Author Posted January 19, 2013 you can try pulling back and leaving him alone, but that probably won't do much. Sounds like he's losing interest. My last relationship, the exact same things started happening. He just overall became more distant from me, not as sweet and attentive, cold, etc, then boom: Break-up. But looking back now, i could see it coming. All the signs were there. I would give it a few more days and if nothing changes, start moving on. .......
tigressA Posted January 19, 2013 Posted January 19, 2013 ....... You did say it's an abrupt change in his behavior. That after only a month in, something's wrong. That's how it happened with me, textbook.
Imajerk17 Posted January 19, 2013 Posted January 19, 2013 I've come to see that the faster someone comes on, the faster they will pull away. It's been the theme of so many romances I've noticed both here and elsewhere. 4
Author tuxedo cat Posted January 19, 2013 Author Posted January 19, 2013 You did say it's an abrupt change in his behavior. That after only a month in, something's wrong. That's how it happened with me, textbook. I know, it's just really disappointing. I felt so hopeful about this.
tigressA Posted January 19, 2013 Posted January 19, 2013 I know, it's just really disappointing. I felt so hopeful about this. I was really hopeful in my situation too. You know, you saw the threads. But there's always this risk in getting so immediately swept up. If I were you I'd be smarter than I was and just put an end to it now. ((hugs)) 1
Author tuxedo cat Posted January 19, 2013 Author Posted January 19, 2013 I was really hopeful in my situation too. You know, you saw the threads. But there's always this risk in getting so immediately swept up. If I were you I'd be smarter than I was and just put an end to it now. ((hugs)) Thanks. I know I should. My problem is I always second guess and make excuses for the other person. I know I shouldn't have pried but I don't want to be strung along. I finally asked him about an hour ago after not hearing from him all day if everything was OK. He told me he had been meaning to contact me about getting together tonight but his phone had been powered down for the last 12 hours. He basically ignored my question about everything being OK, so I asked again and he gave me a kind of half-hearted response that everything was fine. I really sense he wasn't being honest but let it go. I'm considering asking him in person tonight what's up and if he continues to be evasive I'll have to end it there.
truth_seeker Posted January 19, 2013 Posted January 19, 2013 He got his fill of sex and now is ready to move on to a new girl.
Author tuxedo cat Posted January 19, 2013 Author Posted January 19, 2013 (edited) He got his fill of sex and now is ready to move on to a new girl. We were exclusive -- his idea, he was even the one who insisted on making our relationship fb public -- but i guess that doesn't mean much. Time for another dating break for me, sigh. Edited January 19, 2013 by tuxedo cat
D-Lish Posted January 19, 2013 Posted January 19, 2013 Thanks. I know I should. My problem is I always second guess and make excuses for the other person. I know I shouldn't have pried but I don't want to be strung along. I finally asked him about an hour ago after not hearing from him all day if everything was OK. He told me he had been meaning to contact me about getting together tonight but his phone had been powered down for the last 12 hours. He basically ignored my question about everything being OK, so I asked again and he gave me a kind of half-hearted response that everything was fine. I really sense he wasn't being honest but let it go. I'm considering asking him in person tonight what's up and if he continues to be evasive I'll have to end it there. In a situation like this- he's giving clear signals that he needs space. To ask him repeatedly if everything is okay is only going to push him further away. I wouldn't seek him out to finalize plans for tonight, see if he does it. If you do get together- I would refrain from asking him again. 2
Author tuxedo cat Posted January 19, 2013 Author Posted January 19, 2013 (edited) I'll take your advice and not mention anything tonight, D-Lish. I guess I'll just see if his behavior still seems weird and take it from there. He got back to me about a definite time tonight and also wants to have brunch tomorrow. Edited January 19, 2013 by tuxedo cat
tigressA Posted January 19, 2013 Posted January 19, 2013 I'll take your advice and not mention anything tonight, D-Lish. I guess I'll just see if his behavior still seems weird and take it from there. He got back to me about a definite time tonight and also wants to have brunch tomorrow. This sounds better. Keep sitting back and letting him take the wheel. Definitely keep an eye open and an ear pricked for continuing distance/coldness in the meantime.
D-Lish Posted January 19, 2013 Posted January 19, 2013 I'll take your advice and not mention anything tonight, D-Lish. I guess I'll just see if his behavior still seems weird and take it from there. He got back to me about a definite time tonight and also wants to have brunch tomorrow. That's good. Just make it your mission to play it cool tonight. No relationship talk! If he is feeling pressured in any sort of way- even if it's pressure he's putting on himself- to have a nice, fun evening might go a long way. 1
ascendotum Posted January 19, 2013 Posted January 19, 2013 Maybe I misread your earlier posts but I got the impression this pulling away observation has only covered a few days...not exactly at the major trend yet. You also say he's prone to depression, can over extend himself, was working really long hours, has been getting poor nights sleep. Don't necessarily interpret it as pulling away, maybe he's just pretty tired and a little depressed from lack of sleep. I agrees with what DL says, give him space. 1
todreaminblue Posted January 19, 2013 Posted January 19, 2013 Since people have asked for more detail here goes. It's been a month but we knew each other as acquaintances for several months beforehand. Things have moved very fast, a little too fast for my comfort. He was at first very into me. He told me he had been crushing on me for ages, he told me after two weeks that he loved me, he introduced me to all his friends, he alluded to us living together at some point, he bought a new set of pillows for his apartment for me. We had sex early on for what it's worth, but that was before he made all these declarations. I was concerned about the pacing but I also really liked him and felt happy when I was with him. Everything seemed fine until after I last saw him this Wednesday night -- today is Saturday. We had been seeing each other about every other day. I thought we had a nice time together. In fact ironically I was starting to feel myself get more attached that night. The next morning he complained that he hadn't gotten much sleep. I'm a bit of a crazy sleeper -- I talk and sometimes thrash in my sleep. I apologized to him if I was to blame and he said in a coldish tone, "yeah you scared the s.hit out of me about a dozen times". He gave me a chilly goodbye when he left. Usually he'll reach down to kiss me in bed but this time he just touched my leg and said goodbye. Later that day he texted me a couple of times that he missed his girl and asked how I was. He told me that he was feeling kind of down and he didn't know why; he's prone to depression. I tried to be supportive, didn't get much of a response back. The next day, this is Friday, we ran into each other in town and he was fairly affectionate, but he told me he had barely slept the night before again -- just to be clear I wasn't with him on Thurs night so this wasn't my fault. I asked him if he wanted to hang out that night or if he was too tired. Usually he would be game, and usually he initiates our dates, but he said, "it's up to you." He was on his way to work so I let him go and he told me he'd call me, presumably about us getting together that night. I know he has a tendency to sometimes overextend himself for others and I didn't want him to feel guilted into seeing me if he needed the sleep. After I saw him I texted him, "it's totally fine if you need to get some rest tonight babe. just let me know". He was working until 9 that night so I didn't expect to hear from him until after he got out -- he is bad at making plans in advance but he always lets me know one way or the other. By 10:30 I still hadn't heard anything, so I texted him, "how goes it?" Here's what I got in response: "Got out late. Boss came by again. Feeling kinda sick to my stomach. Okay otherwise, tired. You? Love!" I wrote back that I was doing well, was sorry to hear he wasn't, and I hoped he would get some rest and have sweet dreams. He didn't respond to this with a goodnight or anything, which is again unusual for him. This was last night. I have to stress that this is a break from his usual behavior. He is usually eager to see me and writes me very sweet notes/texts. So please give me a slap upside the head if I'm being crazy or overreacting. Should I assume he's just tired? Also, what should I do from here? I'm guessing the best course of action is to not contact him and wait for him to contact me? If this continues at what point should I ask him if anything's up? FYI he is someone who withdraws if he feels people are putting demands on him so I have to tread lightly here. He is also going through a lot of work related stress so I don't want to add to it. I think he isn't pulling away at all, I am similar in a relationship, my ex used to just tell me hey when your ready im here deb.....the cheating sod.....smilin......he was in good times able to handle my bouts of depression....i would eventually tell him what had gotten me down after i had processed it....maybe it was that he was a cheat and i stayed with him......that caused a lot fo depression...in saying that its hard to know when to break or make with depression...as a rule letting the person know you are there for them, and then playing it cool not complete ignorance....ignorance or coldness doesnt help...just knowing a person cares enough to wait, that warm person who sticks by you good or bad....is often a godsend fro depression....having that support emotional and physical when you are ready to talk and you want that closeness physically...is a blessing for people who suffer from depression....best wishes....deb
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