Just friends or is he interested?

[Jessiboo]

Yesterday I went out for coffee with a guy I've had a crush on for a while. We sort of had this thing going a while back, but we haven't really seen each other in quite a while, even though we've kept in touch. Yesterday was the first time I'd seen him in several months. He seemed eager to get together when I suggested it and we had a great talk.

 

He sat across from me at the coffee place, and kept leaning in over the table. Over the course of the evening our coffee cups moved closer to the middle of the table so that we were leaning very close to each other. He did little things flirty things like extend his fingers toward me, not quite touching, and played a gentle sort of tug-o-war with the spoon. By the end of the evening his leg was touching mine under the table and it seemed to me that he was pressing it against me on purpose.

 

When I dropped him off at home I told him to let me know if he had any free time and we could get together again. He said that days were best for him and I said that worked well for me too. He seemed open to getting together again.

 

I really like this guy, so I don't know if I'm reading too much into his actions. We're they flirty, or just really friendly? I'm also wondering if it would be too forward of me to suggest another get together some day next week. I don't want to jump the gun if he isn't really interested.

[Leegh]

I would wait and see if he contacts you. I think it's better if he initiates it. In addition, it seems a little off that he prefers to go out during the day. Has he said that he doesn't have a girlfriend and/or married? It does seem as though he likes you a lot, from the vibes you got from him. If you don't hear from him in a few weeks, you could suggest getting together with him again, but I would make sure he is indeed single.

[Jessiboo]

He is definitely single. Days are better for him because of the nature of his work. They are also better for me for the same reason. I've known this guy for a long time, so there really aren't any surprises lifestyle wise.

 

My big concern is whether I should take his behaviour as flirting, or if I was reading too much into it. He can also be kind of insecure when it comes to making the first move re: planning a date, so it leaves me in a bit of a spot. He did seem interested in getting together again, but if I'm misreading I don't want to set myself up for rejection.

[phineas]

Depends on why you stopped hanging out before.

[Keenly]

I'm going to go ahead and say yea he likes you. He is doing all the body languages stuff that I do to test the waters. The leaning in thing, putting his hand next to yours , and the legs touching is him putting himself out there and seeing if you " meet him half way " so to speak. Next time you guys hang out, mid conversation, grab the front of his shirt with both hands, pull him in really close to you, and kiss him. Watch how stunned you will leave him. Yes I am completely serious.

[skylark100]

Definitely likes you. If he brushed up against your leg it wasn't by accident. If it was he would have back away and said sorry.

 

Play it cool, but everything you described sounds great. Have fun with it!

[Jessiboo]

Depends on why you stopped hanging out before.

 

It was mostly because our schedules just didn't match up at the time. We would try to make plans only to cancel and after a while we just stopped trying. We have been in constant contact through text though.

 

Next time you guys hang out, mid conversation, grab the front of his shirt with both hands, pull him in really close to you, and kiss him. Watch how stunned you will leave him. Yes I am completely serious.

 

Thanks for the opinion on his body language, but I don't know if I can be quite this bold. You never know...

 

Definitely likes you. If he brushed up against your leg it wasn't by accident. If it was he would have back away and said sorry.

 

Play it cool, but everything you described sounds great. Have fun with it!

 

Thanks! The leg thing was what really had me thinking he was flirting. It started as just bumping against me, but by the end he just had his leg pressed against mine. It seemed pretty deliberate.

 

I guess I'll wait to see if I hear from him over the next few days and then decide if I should suggest another meet up.

[mortensorchid]

Wait until he contacts you again. If not, then he was just having a little fun for the moment.

[Leegh]

I think it's too early to call him. I would try to wait several weeks to see if he contacts you first, and if not then you can consider making one attempt contacting him. It can be hell not knowing how another person feels. At one time I had a guy that I really, really liked email me several times saying he would call me, and the call never came, so I emailed him, suggesting getting together, etc., and I even called him once on his cell and left a message and I never anything back from him. He made me look like a fool, everytime he got a positive reply from me; he ignored me. Every few months, he emails me, saying he'll call, and never does. I've decided if he does this again, I will ignore him totally. I want to have some pride left. I would say in your case, at this time, it is unclear, but since you had a great time when you were out with him, that is an excellent sign.

[Ninjainpajamas]

I would wait and see if he contacts you. I think it's better if he initiates it. In addition, it seems a little off that he prefers to go out during the day. Has he said that he doesn't have a girlfriend and/or married? It does seem as though he likes you a lot, from the vibes you got from him. If you don't hear from him in a few weeks, you could suggest getting together with him again, but I would make sure he is indeed single.

 

I like the advice in the beginning here, especially the inquisition.

 

However I wouldn't say that he likes you a lot, a guy that likes you a lot is not going to make "just enough effort" he's going to really be in strong contact with you...and even then you have to be aware it might just be for a little fun like mortensorchid mentioned.

 

Nothing at the end of the day says more than his actions, pursuit and interest level. If he doesn't make an effort than I wouldn't contact him, that's the other part I disagree with.

 

For some reason women feel strongly about pursuing a man they are really interested in, even though he's just giving this half-interested vibe back and not taking any initiative....think about that and then explain that to me, do you really think there is any valid excuse for that? the issue with women is they do much more feeling than thinking, which is good for men, but bad for you as a woman as it leaves yourself open to being just a for fun temporary thing.

 

Men like women...they like attention too...they even like having coffee with women and rubbing their leg against her in a half-@ssed attempt to flirt, but after that day it could easily be forgotten...hell, look at men...they go through all the trouble just to sleep with a woman and then disappear after that even...that should show women in general that even when not interested, the effort can still be present...so if he lacks all initiative and all effort, then what reason do you have to believe he's even interested...at all?

 

There is none, just excuses.

[Jessiboo]

For some reason women feel strongly about pursuing a man they are really interested in, even though he's just giving this half-interested vibe back and not taking any initiative....think about that and then explain that to me, do you really think there is any valid excuse for that? the issue with women is they do much more feeling than thinking, which is good for men, but bad for you as a woman as it leaves yourself open to being just a for fun temporary thing.

.

 

This is the thing. He flirts a lot over text, he was eager to get together, great vibe during our meeting, Flirty body language the whole way. He seemed really eager to see me again, but since then our contact has been minimal. He also asked what I was doing that night (he had no plans) and I have since wondered if he was hinting at getting together then.

 

Now while that bothers me a bit, I'm willing to cut him some slack for a few reasons. Firstly, he's kind of insecure about making the first move. Maybe it's a rejection thing, or it ma be because of our circumstances, I don't know. But even back when he was pursuing me like crazy he was hesitant to suggest we meet up. I also may have shot myself in the foot a while ago by saying that I don't like neediness.

 

So I can continue to excuse this, look at the fact that he told me that he was good during the day if I wanted to get together (if he didn't want to would he suggest that?) and wait until later in the week to contact him. Or I can wait and hope he contacts me. I don't like waiting much. I think I'd rather know.

[Samilia]

Yesterday I went out for coffee with a guy I've had a crush on for a while. We sort of had this thing going a while back, but we haven't really seen each other in quite a while, even though we've kept in touch. Yesterday was the first time I'd seen him in several months. He seemed eager to get together when I suggested it and we had a great talk.

 

He sat across from me at the coffee place, and kept leaning in over the table. Over the course of the evening our coffee cups moved closer to the middle of the table so that we were leaning very close to each other. He did little things flirty things like extend his fingers toward me, not quite touching, and played a gentle sort of tug-o-war with the spoon. By the end of the evening his leg was touching mine under the table and it seemed to me that he was pressing it against me on purpose.

 

When I dropped him off at home I told him to let me know if he had any free time and we could get together again. He said that days were best for him and I said that worked well for me too. He seemed open to getting together again.

 

I really like this guy, so I don't know if I'm reading too much into his actions. We're they flirty, or just really friendly? I'm also wondering if it would be too forward of me to suggest another get together some day next week. I don't want to jump the gun if he isn't really interested.

 

I say yes, he does. I don't know what his plans are, is he horny or does he have a genuine interest. More dates will tell.

[Cutiepie1976]

This is the thing. He flirts a lot over text, he was eager to get together, great vibe during our meeting, Flirty body language the whole way. He seemed really eager to see me again, but since then our contact has been minimal. He also asked what I was doing that night (he had no plans) and I have since wondered if he was hinting at getting together then.

 

Now while that bothers me a bit, I'm willing to cut him some slack for a few reasons. Firstly, he's kind of insecure about making the first move. Maybe it's a rejection thing, or it ma be because of our circumstances, I don't know. But even back when he was pursuing me like crazy he was hesitant to suggest we meet up. I also may have shot myself in the foot a while ago by saying that I don't like neediness.

 

So I can continue to excuse this, look at the fact that he told me that he was good during the day if I wanted to get together (if he didn't want to would he suggest that?) and wait until later in the week to contact him. Or I can wait and hope he contacts me. I don't like waiting much. I think I'd rather know.

 

Trouble is, with your approach you'll never know!

 

Your story just doesn't add up. If he was that eager to meet, and was "pursuing" you "like crazy," trust me, he would have asked you out! What (or possibly who) is holding him back? You shouldn't need all this rationalization about why he won't actually ask you out even after you have asked him on a date.

 

You say he can only date you during the day (interesting limitation) yet you think he was hinting at getting together one night when he had no plans. Which is it? Available at night or not? Or maybe, is unable to be available for an evening date but erratically available on very short notice at night for spontaneous stuff? How well do you actually know this guy?

 

Obviously from your reaction to responses so far, you're really only looking for unanimous cheerleading that you should proceed with a full court press. You seem antagonistic to any suggestion that his underwhelming effort (some may even say complete lack of effort) might indicate that he may not be as enthusiastic as you are about dating you. That's your prerogative. None of us have all the details of your situation. What I will say is that when you, as the woman, have to continually push to get any dates to happen, are the only one putting in all the effort to go on dates with a particular guy, you should at least consider that he's not really interested in that...that he might be along for the ride because there could be a little treat in there for him somewhere that he never has to work for given the sheer force of your eagerness and enthusiasm to proceed anyway. Just something to keep in the back of your mind.

 

At the very least ask yourself: if I did nothing now, would there ever be a second date after I took him on a first date? Is it possible you're unwilling to let the chips fall where they may because you don't like the answer to that question? Honestly, if a guy is flirting with you and pursuing you "like crazy" he will eventually reveal what his motivation is for engaging in such behavior. For me at least, that is far more valuable information than forcing a second date.

 

Best!

[Jessiboo]

You just hit on it - if I did nothing, would he even bother. That's the issue I have. And part of me wants to leave and and see if he would initiate, but the other part of me says who cares. I just enjoy spending time with him.

 

For the record, the pursuing me like crazy happened way back at the beginning of this - about six months ago I guess. We were in contact everyday, and i saw him every day for about two weeks. That died off because we both got really busy and I guess interest fizzled as well.

 

He is a musician, and therefore he has rehearsal most evening, or he is playing somewhere. It just happened that he had that evening free and I thought it interesting that he asked what I was doing on his free evening, even if he didn't man up and ask me to do something.

 

The bottom line is his actions don't add up. And the fact that he has not initiated any contact with me since our meet up speaks volumes to me now.

Edited January 20, 2013 by Jessiboo

[Cutiepie1976]

I suspect in your heart, you know what the answer would most likely be. You just didn't like it because you like him so much and didn't want to let him get away. You were hoping to force a particular outcome. Unfortunately dating doesn't work that way. The more invested and attached you are to a particular outcome despite a lack of reciprocation, the more frustrated you will become.

 

The outcome isn't going to change, but your current approach might lead you down a rabbit hole you don't want. Extra effort won't make you his girlfriend or make him want to date you. You can't make someone like you. You can't make him see you as a potential girlfriend. But even if you aren't GF material, many guys will be more than happy to hookup with you when you insist on pushing things forward anyway. Heck, this guy angled for a booty call right after you took him on a date! You just didn't understand what he was after, so didn't bite. Booty calls don't entail taking you anywhere. They involve the person calling up an aggressively available, enthusiastically interested, pushy girl in the evening when you're horny and saying, "Hey I'm free."...or for the more creative who put effort into the endeavor, "I'm bored" or "I'm lonely." The expected response given her known pushy personality, aggressiveness, and interest: Can I come over?

 

Is that what you're looking for? To be his occasional FB on demand? Then continue your pursuit. If you're actually looking for a boyfriend, consider different tactics. Sorry, but he's not bothering to ask you on an actual date for a reason. When he meets a woman he wants as his GF, he'll show just as much aggressive enthusiasm as you have, if not more, to take her on a date and turn her into his GF. All the cheerleading in the world to keep taking him out on dates and all your effort will not change his mind about your potential as a GF. In fact, quite the opposite!

 

You'll make someone a worthy GF. Just not this guy. Not every guy we meet will want to date us. Human nature.

 

Other fish out there if you want someone who will actually date you. Flirt with another. Maybe the next guy will see you as GF material rather than just a hookup.

[Jessiboo]

I suspect in your heart, you know what the answer would most likely be. You just didn't like it because you like him so much and didn't want to let him get away. You were hoping to force a particular outcome. Unfortunately dating doesn't work that way. The more invested and attached you are to a particular outcome despite a lack of reciprocation, the more frustrated you will become.

 

Yeah, that's what I'm afraid of. Thinking this might be something worth going for, and having it blow up in my face. He's kept up the contact over the past few months, and he has shown interest, but he really isn't putting in any effort when it comes to seeing me.

 

Is that what you're looking for? To be his occasional FB on demand? Then continue your pursuit. If you're actually looking for a boyfriend, consider different tactics. Sorry, but he's not bothering to ask you on an actual date for a reason. When he meets a woman he wants as his GF, he'll show just as much aggressive enthusiasm as you have, if not more, to take her on a date and turn her into his GF. All the cheerleading in the world to keep taking him out on dates and all your effort will not change his mind about your potential as a GF. In fact, quite the opposite!

 

You'll make someone a worthy GF. Just not this guy. Not every guy we meet will want to date us. Human nature.

 

Other fish out there if you want someone who will actually date you. Flirt with another. Maybe the next guy will see you as GF material rather than just a hookup.

 

The truth is, I'm not looking for a boyfriend. I can't commit to him any more than he can commit to me. But I don't want to be used either. And I certainly don't want to come across as desperate, especially if I'm reading his signals all wrong.