gevans129 Posted January 18, 2013 Posted January 18, 2013 I met a man over two years ago and thought (trying to still think) he was the right person for me. We have always been close and moved in together soon as we started dating. However, there was this one nagging feeling... he had this co-worker with whom he said he was just a friend with. She was pretty and about 5 years younger than me. That really wasn't the problem because I can hold my own. But she looked like someone he would be interested in. Even worse, she was married. So... after about 6 months of trying to not bug the crap out of him but never getting anywhere, I did the unthinkable and looked at his phone. There were email after email between the two of them. Frankly, most were from her saying things like, "It just sucks being so alone." or "I'm so drunk!" What an idiot. Anyway, I confronted him and moved back to my apartment. Of course, he came over there crying and begging like a big baby and I just said, "I'll pass." That was last December 2011 and I still wonder where I'd be today if I'd stuck with my guns and passed. I try hard and really want to trust him. He's now talking about marriage and I don't want to go through that crap. I like being single and frankly would like to live my life without the dread of finding out about another woman at some point. I talked to his ex-wife and she said he cheated on her and she was wondering when it would happen to me. The upside is I am working on a PhD, make a lot of freaking money, am pretty good looking and have my own Harley. I'm only lacking a man I can really trust and while he may be trying hard, there are still signs that say "Beware." What do you think? Unfortunately, I pretty much know what the responses will be and somehow I've got to make a decision.
fungusamungus Posted January 18, 2013 Posted January 18, 2013 When I was in college, my best friend was a tall, thin, blonde girl who was absolutely stunning and it drove EVERY single girl that I dated nuts (even if they would never admit it). I dated very casually in college, and I was, for the most part just friends with the guys in my fraternity and thus, needed a close female figure in my life to keep me grounded and in check since I didn't ever have a serious girlfriend. If any of my girlfriends were to ever check my phone, they would see that we would text each other multiple times a day. We were each other's go-to people whenever either of us had relationship problems, and spent a ton of time together both by ourselves and with friends. If neither of us were dating anyone, we'd go to date functions together as friends. But there was never anything going on between me and her, nor was there ever going to be. I simply never felt that way about her, nor did she about me. It was really frustrating to not have women not trust me being so close to her, but in the end, me being friends with her for several years meant much more to me than any girl who could not trust me. Just my $0.02.
Author gevans129 Posted January 18, 2013 Author Posted January 18, 2013 Hey Thanks for not the usual "Dump him and move on". He's really a good guy and I swear he devotes more time and effort to our relationship than anyone could ever imagine. Seriously, I know you make time for what you want to make time for but the man is home every single night usually wrapped up with me. I just think I need to relax and frankly, he's a real man and one that is patient and obviously embarrassed to cry, but I don't think he cares for my un-trusting mentality. While he's partially to blame for it, he has apologized a million times and has truly tried to make me happy. So, heck, I don't know what's wrong with me and why in the back of my mind I have such a strong sense of dread. Weird... I know.
fungusamungus Posted January 18, 2013 Posted January 18, 2013 Hey Thanks for not the usual "Dump him and move on". He's really a good guy and I swear he devotes more time and effort to our relationship than anyone could ever imagine. Seriously, I know you make time for what you want to make time for but the man is home every single night usually wrapped up with me. I just think I need to relax and frankly, he's a real man and one that is patient and obviously embarrassed to cry, but I don't think he cares for my un-trusting mentality. While he's partially to blame for it, he has apologized a million times and has truly tried to make me happy. So, heck, I don't know what's wrong with me and why in the back of my mind I have such a strong sense of dread. Weird... I know.I had the same concerns that you did at one point. And then my inability to trust ruined a relationship that I had with a girl that I was head over heels with and I was never the same after that. To be fair, it's not his responsibility to take care of your untrusting mentality. It's yours. It's simply something that you will have to get over. I have an innate attraction towards confident, independent and outgoing women, but those are inherently the types that are going to go out, get hit on by other guys and flirt, and I simply just had to learn to deal with that. Once a woman earns my trust in other ways (by being caring, honest, responsible, accountable, etc in everyday life), I will begin to trust them with regards to other men.
Author gevans129 Posted January 18, 2013 Author Posted January 18, 2013 You have mentioned something that is important and something that he has mentioned as well. Believe it or not, he's had to deal with similar issues because of my position as a director for a university. Over the past six years, my job has included travel and corporate development activities. Most involve business meetings with prominent males and they always send me because of my personality and ability to get a "yes". So he too has had to work through this and sometimes it kinda gets the best of him. Frankly, he and I are both half way good looking, personable, fun loving people and we've both had to work on trust and saying "no". So, you're exactly right and one thing I have to remember is why would this guy, who is divorced, and could be out doing anything he wanted too... want to be home every single night with me. He rarely drinks and if he goes out to walk the dog wants me right there beside him. I've got to get over being so insecure about this or it may result in me losing him. It must be as tiring for him as for me. You're pretty awesome fungusamungus and give some great advice!
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