Rugsweeping

[justcantletgo]

Can a couple achieve a true R if the BS chooses to do this: not discuss or ask any more questions about the A to the WS and bond together and direct all the blame to the OP after Dday? Is this a good advice from a MC?

[Realist3]

There is no one true path for everyone.

[Decorative]

Can a couple achieve a true R if the BS chooses to do this: not discuss or ask any more questions about the A to the WS and bond together and direct all the blame to the OP after Dday? Is this a good advice from a MC?

 

In my opinion?

 

That is a bandaid over a bullet wound and will not allow healing.

 

A successfully reconciled marriage involves burning the old marriage to the ground and starting over.

 

If you don't discuss the truth - which is most certainly not that the OP is singularly to blame- I see no healing.

 

I would run very swiftly from a MC that encouraged this

[Mr. Lucky]

In my opinion?

 

That is a bandaid over a bullet wound and will not allow healing.

 

A successfully reconciled marriage involves burning the old marriage to the ground and starting over.

 

If you don't discuss the truth - which is most certainly not that the OP is singularly to blame- I see no healing.

 

I would run very swiftly from a MC that encouraged this

I think in a general sense what you say is true. And healthy.

 

But some BS simply aren't capable of doing the work involved. And so recovery for them means something else.

 

I'd doubt that the statistics favor either camp ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Decorative]

I think in a general sense what you say is true. And healthy.

 

But some BS simply aren't capable of doing the work involved. And so recovery for them means something else.

 

I'd doubt that the statistics favor either camp ...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

 

That is true. Recovery isn't for the faint of heart. At all.

[Spark1111]

I think in a general sense what you say is true. And healthy.

 

But some BS simply aren't capable of doing the work involved. And so recovery for them means something else.

 

I'd doubt that the statistics favor either camp ...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Actually I read in the early days of reconciling that the majority of BS will give reconciliation a chance BUT

 

there are so many missteps where it can and does blow apart within in the first year...trickle tru thing and continued contact with the xAP are two big reasons.

 

Something like 50 percent lasted beyond two years.

 

Of that number, of those who were truly remorseful and answered every question about the affair as asked by their BS, 85 percent made it to the 5 year mark, hence a 35percent success rate after five years.

 

dismal, no?

 

You need another counselor, one who has a proven track record in counseling couples after infidelity.

[Spark1111]

tell the counselor to start reading Dr. Shirley Glass, Peggy Vaughn, Dr. Frank Pittman before he decides to advise couples about how they should heal after MC.

[buckeyeblue]

I think it depends on your personality. If both couples are conflict avoiders and don't discuss anything unpleasant, they can superficially reconcile. I don't believe that you can ever connect again in the way spouses should connect. My MIL reconciled with her H after he rugswept and essentially blamed her for the affair. Twenty years later, she still cries and lashes out about it. She has clearly not healed.

 

My H is a conflict avoider; I am not. I knew that I could not reconcile if he could not talk about it. I did not need to know every detail but we needed to work through how to safeguard our marriage. He did not want to talk, primarily because he did not want to face the destruction that he caused. His thinking is "if we don't talk about it, it didn't happen". I left him and am filing for divorce -- a divorce that neither of us really wants.

[Mr. Lucky]

Something like 50 percent lasted beyond two years.

 

Of that number, of those who were truly remorseful and answered every question about the affair as asked by their BS, 85 percent made it to the 5 year mark, hence a 35percent success rate after five years.

 

dismal, no?

 

Little confused by your numbers. Does the 35% success rate represent 85% of the 50% left after two years?

 

Mr. Lucky

[2sure]

I can't believe a marriage counselor would suggest that course of action. No.

 

But some people don't care that much about what they see as a spouses thing on the side as Long as it doesn't threaten to change their lifestyle or end the marriage.

[Spark1111]

Little confused by your numbers. Does the 35% success rate represent 85% of the 50% left after two years?

 

Mr. Lucky

 

50 percent will divorce before 5 years. of the remaining couples, those WS who told the truth, were proactive in restoring trust, 85 percent would still be together 5 years later.

 

of those who did not tell the truth openly, kept secrets, rug swept, only 50 percent would still be together.

 

35 percent represents 35 out of 100 couples still together five years after DDay.

[BetrayedH]

There are plenty of MCs that advise a BS to stop asking questions and to focus on rebuilding the marriage (meeting each others' needs). These MCs really don't know what they are doing. You cannot go around an affair. You need to go through it (or divorce). If you rugsweep, you can expect to trip over that big bulge in the rug incessantly. I will never understand how a WS needs to do none of the heavy lifting and that the BS just needs to quietly choke down the shi t sandwich all on their own. Um, what? The WS learns nothing? The BS returns to blind trust after a betrayal? In fact, the BS needs to reward the WS by just shutting up and improving the marriage? This is where I differ from Harley. This is what MCs do when they have no idea how to fix the devastation but they know their job would be a 100x easier if the BS would just get over it so they could coach them on simple stuff like date nights. I tried that. All it did was allow my wife to keep lying. No accountability; no introspection; no re-earning of trust. As a BS who is reconciling, we're already choking down a shi t sandwich; we don't need a whole buffet and we certainly don't need to be asked to smile about it. Hogwash.

[SidLyon]

Can a couple achieve a true R if the BS chooses to do this: not discuss or ask any more questions about the A to the WS and bond together and direct all the blame to the OP after Dday? Is this a good advice from a MC?

 

I'm confused - are you a BS who is attending MC with your WS and this is what your MC has said to you?

 

If so this isn't the traditional way of reconciling, but maybe you have some unique circumstances or dealbreakers that make this the best way to reconcile.

 

Or are you an OW who somehow believes this is what some MC has told your MM and his BW?

 

If so you have probably been misinformed about what is actually happening and the advice given by the MC.

 

Or is it something else?

 

Perhaps you can clarify whether the MC gave this advice to you or someone else, and if to someone else how you know about it.

[beenburned]

Sid,

 

She is a XOW whose MM lied to her about being married. When she found out she told the BW and provided proof.

 

However, I don't understand why she is asking this question when they are no longer together.(it was a LD EA)

[Decorative]

Sid,

 

She is a XOW whose MM lied to her about being married. When she found out she told the BW and provided proof.

 

However, I don't understand why she is asking this question when they are no longer together.(it was a LD EA)

 

Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

 

Well.

 

 

That's interesting. What an odd question to ask.

[BetrayedH]

Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

 

Well.

 

 

That's interesting. What an odd question to ask.

 

She doesn't like being left under the bus. I would imagine after having gone thru forcing a Dday, to see the BS rugsweep and blame the OP is a tough pill to swallow.

 

OP, how do you even know what their MC is recommending or what is happening in their marriage? You should be NC with them now and focused on your own healing. I guess I could understand if you're supporting the BW but that seems unlikely if the BW is putting this all on you. Perhaps you learned both in the same conversation.

 

Either way, their marriage is their problem now. Reconciliations are a damn messy thing and I suspect every succcessful one had many speedbumps along the way (like stupid MCs). If you did indeed discover that the man was married and then disclosed to his BW, I applaud you for that big-time. But now it's time to disentangle yourself.

[justcantletgo]

I have all the solid proof that she was a doormat and swept everything under the rug and he was sent riding into the sunset happy and scathe-free. She has called me s#ut, sk@nk among many other things on her profile while at the same time posting "Ways on how to build up our Husbands" and "Verses to read when your Husband is feeling down, overwhelmed and insecure". Seriously, I thought her coping mechanism (if that's what it's called) was ridiculously funny especially when they decided to bond together and directed all the blame and hate on me. I also know for a fact that he had thrown me under the bus and told her I was the crazy psycho OW stalking him even if all the proofs I sent her proved that he was the one who pursued me relentlessly, even planning already to travel to see me and marry me. And her ungrateful ass didn't appreciate my clear conscience coz I exposed and damaged the pefect image of her husband to her, and her family and friends. She even referred to my "proofs" now as a negative drama that she doesn't need or care about. LOL

 

Before all this, I knew they went to MC and she said herself she was told to put everything behind and move on. So yeah, looks like my irrational hatred towards her was warranted all along.

[beenburned]

just can't let go,

 

I'm sorry the MM lied to you about his marital status. I'm sorry he threw you under a bus on d-day and made you out to be a bunny boiler. All of this shows his true character!!! Be glad you missed a bullet with him!!

 

As for the wife, and what she does or doesn't do about him and her marriage, it is all her choice since it is her marriage.

 

In your last sentence, you ,mentioned your irrational hatred toward her, and how you felt it was warranted all along. You are totally wrong!!

 

Her H is the one that did all of the above to you, the lying, cheating, betraying, and throwing you under a bus!! You need to put all of the blame squarely on his shoulders where it belongs!!

 

Since this affair is over with, you need to concentrate on making your life and future all that you want it to be!! Best of luck on your journey!!

[justcantletgo]

So are you saying her calling me names and putting all the blame on me is warranted?

[ComingInHot]

Justcan'tletgo;

I think a-lot of what betrayed & others have written is accurate.

 

No matter what the issues are in our life, if we want healthy, we must work Through the issues at hand.

 

However at some point, a decision is going to have to be made. Have we made it through the issue? If so, then it is time to "let it go" (not forget but move forward).*

 

Are the solutions and hard work from Both parties Working? If so, see above. If not, consider that a different solution is ready to be considered or tried, ie; Divorce.

 

I can understand the advice of unite and conquer. But in the case of A's and other situations, accountability is really important to a. Unite & b. Reconcile & c. Conquer the issue.

 

My problem w/this MC's advice is implying that a Person needs to conquered in order to overcome the issue. That isn't necessarily the case when it comes to infidelity.

 

You Don't deserve all the blame. The WS doesn't deserve Not to be held accountable or take responsibility. The BS does Not deserve to be asked to "just forget about it". And this MC does Not deserve to council couples dealing w/infidelity.

 

Just my simple opinion*

[BetrayedH]

As a fow, who had many conversations with the bs and who was gracious and kind to me when she found out that I didn't know he was not separated, I'm sorry this happened to you.

 

I get your hurt and your anger, but it is mostly misdirected. It should be aimed squarely at your xmm but I can understand why you feel it's been so unfairly placed at your feet by her.

 

The best thing you can do for yourself is let it go, accept that you won't ever understand why she is doing what she is doing and consider yourself the lucky one because you are free of him. BTW......the last I heard xmm and the BS in my sit. were together and considering that she knew the whole story, I can't fathom why she let him come back..........BUT I accept and acknowledge that it's not my concern and I AM the lucky one! I'm free, she is not!

 

Quoted for truth.

[beenburned]

justcan'tletgo,

 

All BW/BH react differently when faced with a d-day.

 

I personally held both my H and the OW responsible for their actions.(because an affair can not happen without both people agreeing to it)

 

Since you ended the affair, it shouldn't matter how the married couple handle their personal d-day or their marriage.

[SoleMate]

I have all the solid proof that she was a doormat and swept everything under the rug and he was sent riding into the sunset happy and scathe-free. She has called me s#ut, sk@nk among many other things on her profile......I thought her coping mechanism (if that's what it's called) was ridiculously funny especially when they decided to bond together and directed all the blame and hate on me.....

Actually, what you describe is overwhelming evidence that contact with either of them is toxic for you. Contact includes 3rd hand mechanisms like reading Facebook.

 

I agree that it is ridiculous for the BW to put 100% blame on "evil OW", and I also feel strongly that you are in no position to demand justice and objectivity from the BW (let alone mercy) and she likewise is (clearly) in no position to give it. Acknowledging those facts, indisputable in my eyes, may bring you some peace.

[waterwoman]

But why are you angry with her? She didn't lie to you.

[justcantletgo]

But why are you angry with her? She didn't lie to you.

 

Because she's been calling me sk@nk and sl#t, and blaming me for everything (even if she knew full well he lied to me about his marital status) totally removing her WH's contribution in the A. Now she's saying she couldn't care less and wants to get rid of all the "drama" (or all the proof of his infidelities that I sent her) for good.

 

@Alice, we have not met in person but he was already about to fly to see me. And yes, even get married right before I found out the truth so don't even dare attempt to downplay it just because we "have never even met". And who are you calling obsessed when the BW was the pyscho one who keeps on slamming me on her profile?

Edited January 20, 2013 by justcantletgo