GreySkyMorning Posted January 18, 2013 Posted January 18, 2013 I keep asking myself why I won't put my foot down and walk away from this. I'm not stupid. I'm not blind. I know the reality and the truth. But yet, I won't put my foot down, tell myself I deserve better than this, and turn and walk away. This man is never going to be mine, ever, unless she throws him out and he has nowhere to go.
Balzac Posted January 18, 2013 Posted January 18, 2013 Welcome to LS. This is your place to vent and get feedback. Often why we act emotionally is at odds with what we know intellectually. Get your thick skin on and I'm sure those of great experience here will be chiming in.
ThatJustHappened Posted January 18, 2013 Posted January 18, 2013 I keep asking myself why I won't put my foot down and walk away from this. I'm not stupid. I'm not blind. I know the reality and the truth. But yet, I won't put my foot down, tell myself I deserve better than this, and turn and walk away. This man is never going to be mine, ever, unless she throws him out and he has nowhere to go. Well now I'm asking you why. Why won't you put your foot down and walk away?
jwi71 Posted January 18, 2013 Posted January 18, 2013 I know the reality and the truth. What IS your reality and truth? This man is never going to be mine, ever, unless she throws him out and he has nowhere to go. Is this an acceptable circumstance for you - that the he comes to you with nowhere else to go?
Author GreySkyMorning Posted January 18, 2013 Author Posted January 18, 2013 Well now I'm asking you why. Why won't you put your foot down and walk away? Because I really do love him? Because I can't handle the thought of him not in my life? Because I have no pride left anymore? Because I'm addicted to him? Because I don't feel like I deserve better? All of them fit.
Author GreySkyMorning Posted January 18, 2013 Author Posted January 18, 2013 What IS your reality and truth? Is this an acceptable circumstance for you - that the he comes to you with nowhere else to go? The reality is that this has been going on for a year and a half. If he wanted to be with me, he would. She knows about us, even though they've not said a word to each other. But she still knows. The only reason to lie about me or keep me hidden is if that's where he wants me in his life. Obviously, it is. No, it's not an acceptable circumstance for me. I told him from the time this got serious that I didn't want him coming to me under those conditions. It's incredibly insulting and demeaning. Yet, here I am later, willing to let him do just that. And hating myself for it.
ThatJustHappened Posted January 18, 2013 Posted January 18, 2013 Because I really do love him? Because I can't handle the thought of him not in my life? Because I have no pride left anymore? Because I'm addicted to him? Because I don't feel like I deserve better? All of them fit. Have you actually tried cutting him out of your life? People break up every single day..if millions of other people can do it, so can you.
canuckprincess Posted January 18, 2013 Posted January 18, 2013 How do you know she knows about the affair if they've never talked about it? As far as the comment he'll never leave don't be so sure. If he thinks he can keep both of you why would he leave, he has it all. The stable marriage and the love, lust, passion and romance. So if he's getting his cake and eating it too why would he stop? If she knows about you maybe they have don't ask don't tell policy. Just because he hasn't left doesn't mean he doesn't love you, and cheating on his wife doesn't mean he doesn't love her. I often look at it as being in love versus loving someone. I love my friends but I'm in love with mm. One thing I've come to terms with is ap often lie through omission to keep the Peace at home and with ap. I know many men that hate drama and conflict where woman often feed on it. You may want to have a serious talk with your mm and be sure he loves you before giving him an ultimatum. I personally don't like them therefore wouldn't give one. Good luck and we are here to help or just let you vent. Sometime ow and om have no one they can turn to for guidance and support. I'm fortunate to have a great support system.
Author GreySkyMorning Posted January 18, 2013 Author Posted January 18, 2013 Have you actually tried cutting him out of your life? People break up every single day..if millions of other people can do it, so can you. You're right. People do. I've "tried" to break up with him quite a few times, only to go right back. Part of it is this unrealistic need for him to not hate me. So when I break up with him, he finds a way to turn it into me not really loving him or wanting him, so i end up apologizing and begging him to forgive me. The longest we've gone without contact is a week in December. Ultimately, I broke that.
Author GreySkyMorning Posted January 18, 2013 Author Posted January 18, 2013 How do you know she knows about the affair if they've never talked about it? As far as the comment he'll never leave don't be so sure. If he thinks he can keep both of you why would he leave, he has it all. The stable marriage and the love, lust, passion and romance. So if he's getting his cake and eating it too why would he stop? If she knows about you maybe they have don't ask don't tell policy. Just because he hasn't left doesn't mean he doesn't love you, and cheating on his wife doesn't mean he doesn't love her. I often look at it as being in love versus loving someone. I love my friends but I'm in love with mm. One thing I've come to terms with is ap often lie through omission to keep the Peace at home and with ap. I know many men that hate drama and conflict where woman often feed on it. You may want to have a serious talk with your mm and be sure he loves you before giving him an ultimatum. I personally don't like them therefore wouldn't give one. Good luck and we are here to help or just let you vent. Sometime ow and om have no one they can turn to for guidance and support. I'm fortunate to have a great support system. A former friend looked him up on Facebook and sent her a message telling it all. I didn't find out it had happened until about a week later. When he never mentioned anything, I assumed that he'd maybe intercepted the message instead. I finally told him what I knew. He swears he has never gone on her Facebook and that he didn't get it. But she never said anything and he said she isn't acting any differently. I know it's such a typical story. I really thought we'd be together at one time. Then its like he got comfortable. I do know he loves me, just not enough to choose to be with me. I thought it was unique and something special until I started reading on here. He tells me the same words I read from everyone else. They don't have sex, there just like roommates, he's not in love with her. I've sat in front of him in my home and listened to him lie to her on the phone. I don't know what to believe anymore. Actions speak louder than words.
ThatJustHappened Posted January 18, 2013 Posted January 18, 2013 You sound like me 2 relationships ago. Have you considered therapy? It really helped me (and it still is).
Sarabi Posted January 18, 2013 Posted January 18, 2013 You sound like me 2 relationships ago. Have you considered therapy? It really helped me (and it still is). I agree. I am going through it right now. I am still in my situation but he is helping me make sense of things ...I also feel like I want to walk away but at times its hard. Has anyone had that happen? Where it feels like when you start to move away they seem to draw you back in and things get more intense...and you end up going round in circles again and again and again...etc.
wisernow Posted January 18, 2013 Posted January 18, 2013 I agree. I am going through it right now. I am still in my situation but he is helping me make sense of things ...I also feel like I want to walk away but at times its hard. Has anyone had that happen? Where it feels like when you start to move away they seem to draw you back in and things get more intense...and you end up going round in circles again and again and again...etc. I really believe when you want something to end- It ends. No one can "draw you back in" unless you want to be drawn back in. At the end of the day, you are right where you allow yourself to be, where you want to be. It's your choice. 1
Sarabi Posted January 18, 2013 Posted January 18, 2013 I really believe when you want something to end- It ends. No one can "draw you back in" unless you want to be drawn back in. At the end of the day, you are right where you allow yourself to be, where you want to be. It's your choice. You are right really. Essentially it is a choice. I guess I am not very assertive. I worry about offending/hurting people when I do things
wisernow Posted January 19, 2013 Posted January 19, 2013 You are right really. Essentially it is a choice. I guess I am not very assertive. I worry about offending/hurting people when I do things And it's a very honorable thing to not offend or hurt others. Just don't let not hurting others come at your expense. I don't know your story, or the situation you find yourself. Hopefully, if you haven't shared it, you will when you feel comfortable.
Author GreySkyMorning Posted January 19, 2013 Author Posted January 19, 2013 You sound like me 2 relationships ago. Have you considered therapy? It really helped me (and it still is). I have definitely considered it. I just can't financially manage it right now. I don't have any outside support either and that just adds to the problem. An affair is very isolating. The people I used to be able to talk to about it just don't want to hear it anymore. And i don't blame them.
Author GreySkyMorning Posted January 19, 2013 Author Posted January 19, 2013 Are you a BS or an OW I'm an OW. We were together for a few months 17 years ago. At the time, I had been married for six years and he was living with someone. I was completely in love with him then. If he'd ever said the word, I would have left my husband in a heartbeat. Instead, he just disappeared. I stayed married for eight more years and spent 17 years thinking he'd just used me for sex and moved on. I found him on Facebook in April 2011, we met in July 2011, and things picked right back up where they'd left off except now he's the married one and I'm single.
Tenacity Posted January 19, 2013 Posted January 19, 2013 I often look at it as being in love versus loving someone. I love my friends but I'm in love with mm. The terminology is bull****. "Love" isn't about gradients in terminology. If you love someone, you are committed to them in combination with it. "Loving" versus "being in love with" is an immature point that relates much more closely to the concept of limerence than it does to any reality. 5
canuckprincess Posted January 19, 2013 Posted January 19, 2013 The terminology is bull****. "Love" isn't about gradients in terminology. If you love someone, you are committed to them in combination with it. "Loving" versus "being in love with" is an immature point that relates much more closely to the concept of limerence than it does to any reality. Why is it a immature point? It's better then saying a man or woman continue to cheat because their ap is better. Maybe their better looking or better in bed but because they don't wish to crush someone they have known and loved for a long time. I choose to look at it as love vs being in love. Maybe it doesn't fit all situations but it certainly works in mine. Also why on the ow/om support forum are there so many angry bs's? Oh and before you jump all over me I'm not suggesting I'm better then anyone my point is the world isn't black and white and you can't "own" another person. If a mm or mw choose to cheat that's their choice just like its ow or om choice to get involved with a mm or mw. I've made lots of choices in my life some good some not good. The choice to love my ap is the best choice.
bentnotbroken Posted January 19, 2013 Posted January 19, 2013 Why is it a immature point? It's better then saying a man or woman continue to cheat because their ap is better. Maybe their better looking or better in bed but because they don't wish to crush someone they have known and loved for a long time. I choose to look at it as love vs being in love. Maybe it doesn't fit all situations but it certainly works in mine. Also why on the ow/om support forum are there so many angry bs's? Oh and before you jump all over me I'm not suggesting I'm better then anyone my point is the world isn't black and white and you can't "own" another person. If a mm or mw choose to cheat that's their choice just like its ow or om choice to get involved with a mm or mw. I've made lots of choices in my life some good some not good. The choice to love my ap is the best choice. You don't know Tenacity's story do you? The world is as gray as you choose to make it. You have made your choice but just as you don't want others making assumptions about how you view life...I take personal offense at someone telling me my world is something that it is not also. My world is black and white. That is my choice. I choose not to muddy my boundaries or what I hold to be right and wrong. I also agree you can't own another person but you can own the truth and that seems not to be an issue with ownership by some.
ThatJustHappened Posted January 19, 2013 Posted January 19, 2013 I have definitely considered it. I just can't financially manage it right now. I don't have any outside support either and that just adds to the problem. An affair is very isolating. The people I used to be able to talk to about it just don't want to hear it anymore. And i don't blame them. I found a counselor who is fantastic and who charges $20 a session. If you try med schools, you will find PHD students trying to get their hours. They're usually more eager than a seasoned psychologist. You're better than this, and deep down you know that..otherwise you wouldn't have come looking for help here.
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