zachari Posted January 18, 2013 Posted January 18, 2013 Hi guys, just needing some advice... before i go on about what it is, i think some background information about me is needed. at the age of 16, i lost my brother (died of natural causes), 2 weeks later the girl i was dating at the time left me and went back to america (may sound like puppy love at that age but we had been going out for 2 years). During the following year i rebeled against everyone and everything and moved out of home, got involved with the wrong crowd. At the age of 19 i was kidnapped and held hostage for 3 days, after that was removed from western Australia by the WA police and was sent to sydney. I spent 2 years on the streets there. Im now 27 years old (or will be in 2 weeks) Due to the things that have happened in my life i have built up some really strong mental barriers to which i do not let anyone get close to me, both on the fear of losing them, and on the trust side. The kidnapping expecially left some rather permanent scars which i still deal with today (slower to trust, but also more paranoid in public places and hate crowds) and also for some time suffered with post traumatic stress. Up until a few months ago i thought my mental barriers and walls i had placed around me were impenetrable.... how wrong was i.... I meet this girl... and im not sure how, or why, but she managed to break down all my barriers and all my walls and get in close to me... Now as i ponder these thoughts i feel vulnerable for the first time in years, im not sure what it is about this girl... but she has got close to me in a way i have never thought possible... i know that i have strong feelings for her but these feelings of being vulnerable scare me and i have no idea what to do. Today she said she "kinda" liked me (not sure what kinda means thou), and she said that after losing her virginity to me. (and its rare to find 21 year olds that are still virgins) She knows that i have kids and most things in my life, thou she does not know about my brother passing away or the things that happened in the years after and the damage that it did to me, which also lead to the carefree lifestyle i have today. these feelings are foreign to me and wondering if anyone out there has any suggestions....
jlindemann Posted January 18, 2013 Posted January 18, 2013 Sometimes, there is someone out there that is just able to break through...mainly because you're letting them. After I left my ex husband, I spent some time and put up some STRONG emotional walls. I went on a few dates, but no one was strong enough to break through. I swore that I wasn't going to let anyone break me, and I wasn't going to let anyone in. And then, he came along. And I just knew it was right. I LET him break down my walls, piece by piece, until he had all of me. I was scared and terrified of being hurt. I even told him what he had done to me. In the beginning I wouldn't let him call me his girlfriend, I shed away from any emotion he was showing me. When he told me he loved me...I started to shake and had no words. But by then...I wasn't scared anymore. It felt right. I told him that I have given him ENORMOUS potential to hurt me, because he broke through. But I trust that our love is strong and he wont do that to me.
Author zachari Posted January 18, 2013 Author Posted January 18, 2013 I understand what you are saying.... but I dont feel that I did let her... just seems to be something about her. I feel vulnerable because of this, but yet a side of me seems relieved... Sometimes, there is someone out there that is just able to break through...mainly because you're letting them. After I left my ex husband, I spent some time and put up some STRONG emotional walls. I went on a few dates, but no one was strong enough to break through. I swore that I wasn't going to let anyone break me, and I wasn't going to let anyone in. And then, he came along. And I just knew it was right. I LET him break down my walls, piece by piece, until he had all of me. I was scared and terrified of being hurt. I even told him what he had done to me. In the beginning I wouldn't let him call me his girlfriend, I shed away from any emotion he was showing me. When he told me he loved me...I started to shake and had no words. But by then...I wasn't scared anymore. It felt right. I told him that I have given him ENORMOUS potential to hurt me, because he broke through. But I trust that our love is strong and he wont do that to me.
jlindemann Posted January 18, 2013 Posted January 18, 2013 I understand what you are saying.... but I dont feel that I did let her... just seems to be something about her. I feel vulnerable because of this, but yet a side of me seems relieved... You did let her. That's the only way someone gets "in". You let her in. She didn't stand there wtih a proverbial jackhammer trying to break down your barriers.
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