Arnissa Posted January 18, 2013 Posted January 18, 2013 Hi all, I really need a second opinion/perspective on whats happening in my life right now. Its rather a long one, and I'd really appreciate your says on this. Thanks in advance. History: I've been in a long distance relationship for the past 10 years. Ours started off as an online thing, we met after 8 months... and clicked. He was in the US and me in India. He'd come down once/twice a year to India, and I'd meet him for a couple of weeks. Marriage talk happened in the first year itself, with him proclaiming that he'd make me his wife and expect me to join him immediately. Initially, I was reluctant, not knowing how to bridge the cultural differences... As I warmed up to the idea of a marriage, and wanted to tell my family about him, he stopped me saying my father would feel bad - Instead offered to come down and meet him in person, and ask my hand in marriage. That has never happened so far. Then the meltdown happened in the US, and my boyfriend lost his job. He didn't want to discuss marriage then.... Around a year back, he was offered a job in the Middle East, and he took it. For the record, when in US we voice chatted daily for an hour, when in ME, we talked on the phone daily, for some 15-20 mins. We've had innumerable fights and break-ups, when we stop talking... till one of us takes the first step and our relation is restored. I've never met his family, though have talked to his sister on the phone. My family has no idea that he exists. Present: I teach college kids, and so have a schedule to follow. I say this coz. he offered to come down to India Nov'12 which was a bad time for me. For the record, every time he came down to India, I'd take leave from work since he'd not be coming to my hometown. Those times were inconvenient career wise, with colleagues telling me that my priorities were misplaced. This time I suggested instead to come in December-February, when it would be easy for me to take time off from work. He didn't like it, and said it was a give or take offer: I didn't take it. Our daily conversations stopped. Mid-December I called him and had a brief talk on the phone, when he promised to write an email in the evening. That email never came. Christmas day till today I've not been able to get him on the phone, nor on email. I'm worried sick since I dont know actually happened to him. Every time I call, I get a msg that his phone is "out of reach". Calls and texts to his sister went unanswered. Today it's occurred to me that perhaps he has blocked my number. So I am asking myself, is this the end? since I'm not even getting a word out of this guy... [and I'm now in my mid-30s, unmarried, childless, and still in love with this guy] ... or am I reading too much?
justwhoiam Posted January 18, 2013 Posted January 18, 2013 Why didn't you tell your parents? I don't understand. I guess that by now they are thinking you'll be a spinster for life, given the 10 years without a boyfriend. Or did you have a local bf on the side? Anyway, I didn't understand how long he was unemployed. Probably not much in that ten-year span. It looks like he was not convinced about marrying you, maybe due to too many fights, and the constant on and off pattern. To move to a different continent you really need to be sure. In the meantime, he lost interest. Maybe he met someone new. Who knows. Did you have sex with him? 1
pettie Posted January 18, 2013 Posted January 18, 2013 Why didn't you tell your parents? I don't understand. I guess that by now they are thinking you'll be a spinster for life, given the 10 years without a boyfriend. Or did you have a local bf on the side? What's wrong with you? What kind of advise is this?? That sentence was completely unnecessary, when she seems to be self-concious about it. Same goes for the "local bf". It looks like he was not convinced about marrying you, maybe due to too many fights, and the constant on and off pattern. To move to a different continent you really need to be sure. In the meantime, he lost interest. Maybe he met someone new. Who knows. I agree with this. How was that last conversation? Did you had a fight? THe background implies the relationship was too worn already; he seems to be done with it, although one would expect things to end in a civil way. Unless something major has happened, I'm inclined to think this is it. I'm sorry. Did you have sex with him? I see where you are going, but it is irrelevant in this context. When that's an issue, it is usually a big one and she would have hinted something about it. Unless OP says otherwise now. 2
justwhoiam Posted January 19, 2013 Posted January 19, 2013 That sentence was completely unnecessary, when she seems to be self-concious about it. Same goes for the "local bf". Unnecessary? Says who? I don't owe YOU explanations about my own opinions. The OP wrote: "I really need a second opinion/perspective on whats happening in my life right now." So my post reflects my perspective. If you have a different one, feel free to make it known, but don't get bothered if other people have different views. Just live with it.
justwhoiam Posted January 19, 2013 Posted January 19, 2013 I see where you are going, but it is irrelevant in this context. When that's an issue, it is usually a big one and she would have hinted something about it. Unless OP says otherwise now. Maybe you're just very young. Sex is never irrelevant.
pettie Posted January 19, 2013 Posted January 19, 2013 Hello, justwhoiam: I may not post as often, but I do read most of the posts in this forum. I think that you have good insights most of the time. But hey, you are usually very blunt when you write, so I was very blunt when I posted my thoughts on your comment. Anyway, you are right when you say you don't have to give any explanations to me, and it's not my place to "defend" OP from your assertions. I was especifically addressing this - I did highlight it but looks like I didn't do it properly: "I guess that by now they are thinking you'll be a spinster for life,..." Excuse me, but I fail to see how that could help OP improve her situation, as well as speculating about her having "another bf" at the same time - during 10 years. She seemed to be already sensible about the issue, that's why I'm not sure how calling her a "spinster" would help. In any case, it is OK to disagree. Think what you please about my age. I didn't say sex was irrelevant. I said speculating on their sex life was not relevant based on the information granted by the OP. In fact, given that sex is very important, the OP would surely have mentioned something about it if it were an issue. 1
Mtlgrrl Posted January 20, 2013 Posted January 20, 2013 Hey girl! I'm really sorry for what you are going through. I'm in a LDR as well, I know how difficult it can be - TRUST ME. Okay, If he doesn't calls you or contact you especially for that long, you have the right to be worried and concerned. You have your reasons for keeping your parents out of the story, as an adult that's totally fine. He is not acting right by you, here you are so worried about this guy and he can't even send you an email? You have two options here: you can continue waiting for him, jeopardize your career for him and worry OR take the situation in your hands and let it go. If he loves/likes you he will come back. I'm sorry I know this is really hard and I underdstand the sacrifices you made for your relationship but think of yourself. Take care girl and let us know whats up! 1
Arnissa_N Posted January 24, 2013 Posted January 24, 2013 Thanks guys for your replies. Appreciate it. Its been a very long relationship, and there are so many complexities that its difficult to put it in just a few paras. @justwhoiam, No there was no other bf besides him. We were talking daily for hours, and with my work etc. there was just no time to socialize at all, not that I wanted to. I didn't tell my family coz I felt he was right the way he put it, and I stay in another city alone, while my family stays in another... @pettie, Yes, you are right, sex was not the issue. I am very worried that things are just left open actually... @mtlggrl, Yes thats the only way to go on I suppose. Still have not been able to get through to him since. I am worried that something bad might have happened to him... He's rather sensitive, so I'm beginning to feel that he's not intentionally ignoring me... Or, is he? Has anyone here cut off a bf/gf without even a single line?
justwhoiam Posted January 24, 2013 Posted January 24, 2013 @justwhoiam, No there was no other bf besides him. We were talking daily for hours, and with my work etc. there was just no time to socialize at all, not that I wanted to. I didn't tell my family coz I felt he was right the way he put it, and I stay in another city alone, while my family stays in another.. You didn't answer my only question... Still have not been able to get through to him since. I am worried that something bad might have happened to him... He's rather sensitive, so I'm beginning to feel that he's not intentionally ignoring me... Or, is he? I have read in this forum how a supposedly great love found some plain excuse to go away for some time, like a week, and never get back. It was probably their way to break up. Cowards. Someone else came back long after, due to some accident (we don't have any proof that was true anyway). Has anyone here cut off a bf/gf without even a single line? Not me.
Arnissa_N Posted January 27, 2013 Posted January 27, 2013 You didn't answer my only question... the answer's "Yes"... I have read in this forum how a supposedly great love found some plain excuse to go away for some time, like a week, and never get back. It was probably their way to break up. Cowards. Someone else came back long after, due to some accident (we don't have any proof that was true anyway). He 's not that type... thatswhy the worry that its something else. I guess only time will tell...
justwhoiam Posted January 27, 2013 Posted January 27, 2013 the answer's "Yes"... That brings me to several possible scenarios. You wrote this: "He'd come down once/twice a year to India, and I'd meet him for a couple of weeks." The link between sex and tourism is well known. I don't know if it's a case of "men give love to get sex and women give sex to get love". I don't know if it was his chance to have some (meaningful?) sex. I know it would be offensive to you, but I'm not excluding that. As soon as you bought into the idea of marrying him, he drew back with an excuse. He postponed. He led you on. I don't know if he was being genuine, or he was taking time because of his own situation. Are you 100% sure he was single? During the 2 weeks with you, was he with you 24/7 and did you have access to his mobile? Is this the longest break you had with him so far?
Arnissa_N Posted January 27, 2013 Posted January 27, 2013 The link between sex and tourism is well known. I don't know if it's a case of "men give love to get sex and women give sex to get love". I don't know if it was his chance to have some (meaningful?) sex. I know it would be offensive to you, but I'm not excluding that. I know, I myself have advised so many young girls/cousins etc about this :-) But he isnt the type. He was into it for real... As soon as you bought into the idea of marrying him, he drew back with an excuse. He postponed. He led you on. I don't know if he was being genuine, or he was taking time because of his own situation. Are you 100% sure he was single? During the 2 weeks with you, was he with you 24/7 and did you have access to his mobile? Eventhough we postponed, he was always planning our future together etc. I'd be the one saying lets talk about all that after we get married, not now. He was 100% genuine, no doubt of that. The only prob was that he was suffering due to the US market for the past 6-7 years. When he was with me he was fully with me... the US phone did not work, but whatever calls he made, emails he wrote etc. I was privy to. Is this the longest break you had with him so far? No, there were times when we stopped talking for 2 months at a stretch, but we both knew we were a phone call or an email away. Whenever something happened and we needed to contact the other, we could. It was like as if we were already married, and whatever fights we had were immaterial. This time my not being able to reach him is what is stressing me out. Due to some events at home, I really needed him...
Hal_TX Posted January 27, 2013 Posted January 27, 2013 Arnissa, What he's doing is cruel. It is happening to me right now also. So i feel your pain. How many times have you tried to call him? This is important. Calling over and over in a situation like this works against you. If he didn't pick up the 3rd call is he really going to pick up the 4th or 5th? I think after all it may be a power thing with him. He sees you calling over and over and knows that he can wait you out. He has all the power. How many times did you call and text his sister? have you tried emailing him? His take it or leave it offer was wrong btw. No guy should do that. You are a person. Not someone he can boss around with ultimatums. He's playing a cruel game. He should just call you and break it off with you if thats what he wants. You need to take control of the situation. He has not broken up with you right? Well, you break up with him. You email him that it is over. You detail the things he needs to work on and you tell him that you are moving on and that you've started dating again. Your taking the power away from him. Will it get him back? If he truly wants out of the relationship then it won't. But if he's trying to make you so desperate so you'll return to him on all of his terms, it will make him give up his silly game.
Arnissa_N Posted January 27, 2013 Posted January 27, 2013 How many times have you tried to call him? How many times did you call and text his sister? have you tried emailing him? Umpteen times, but his phone goes "out of reach". Called his work phone, it just keeps on ringing... Sent maybe 4 texts... Called his sister twice, and texted her 3 times... Written too many emails... He's playing a cruel game. He should just call you and break it off with you if thats what he wants. You need to take control of the situation. He has not broken up with you right? Well, you break up with him. You email him that it is over. You detail the things he needs to work on and you tell him that you are moving on and that you've started dating again. Your taking the power away from him. Will it get him back? If he truly wants out of the relationship then it won't. But if he's trying to make you so desperate so you'll return to him on all of his terms, it will make him give up his silly game. All along I was worried and stressed that something might have happened to him, or he might have gone somewhere. The more I think about it now, I feel that he's still in the country, coz his phone wouldnt be "out of reach" but "switched off". and if something bad were to happen, I'm sure his family would inform me. Having said that possibly you are right. It could be a power game. I need to make a decision I guess.
Arnissa_N Posted February 8, 2013 Posted February 8, 2013 Today, I took a very big step... Deleted all emails, text messages, voice messages... Erased all phone numbers... No more photographs...
pettie Posted February 8, 2013 Posted February 8, 2013 I'm sorry it came to this. All the best for you. Be strong! 1
Life'sGood Posted February 8, 2013 Posted February 8, 2013 Hi Arnissa, I just recently come across your thread and I think what you're doing is great. Take control of your own life. If you were meant to be with him then it will happen eventually, for now, just enjoy your life- make the most out of it! I wish you all the best! 1
Arnissa_N Posted February 12, 2013 Posted February 12, 2013 Thanks guys for the support. I wont lie, its hard. Every morning when I wake up, and every evening when I go to sleep he comes to mind... and in between small things suddenly remind me of him... Busy... I'm trying to keep myself busy with new hobbies.
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