Coping Vortex Posted January 18, 2013 Posted January 18, 2013 Have we all built up our ex's too much? Are we putting them on a pedestal? Have we built them into some sort of mystical creature that is perfect and will only bring us joy? I think this is the biggest impediment to moving on. I know I have. I feel i will never be able to find a women like the one who left me 9 weeks ago. I feel like I will never experience the emotional and sexual closeness i felt for this woman. I am trying so hard to concentrate on the negatives but it so tough. She has baggage, three kids, a stalking ex husband, no job no money looking for someone to take care of her. She already ran into another guy's arms. Why can't I focus on that???
puzzled1 Posted January 18, 2013 Posted January 18, 2013 Because we want things that we can't have, so that's why you put her on a pedestal. Deep down inside, do you wish she was just as miserable or lonely as you? My ex had a lot of baggage also, and I know the new guy will freak out once she shows her true colors, I am just waiting to laugh once she ends up running back to me. Seems like "our" kind of ex's work on impulse feelings and they don't sort things out...
cavalier99 Posted January 18, 2013 Posted January 18, 2013 I think if both you guys just give it one more go there might be.......kidding Hang strong with NC! Cav
Author Coping Vortex Posted January 18, 2013 Author Posted January 18, 2013 Because we want things that we can't have, so that's why you put her on a pedestal. Deep down inside, do you wish she was just as miserable or lonely as you? My ex had a lot of baggage also, and I know the new guy will freak out once she shows her true colors, I am just waiting to laugh once she ends up running back to me. Seems like "our" kind of ex's work on impulse feelings and they don't sort things out... That is so true. The big difference for me I know my ex would never run back to me. She has low self esteem and she would be way too embarrassed to admit she made a mistake. We broke up a few times over the years and I was always was the one to contact her even though she admitted she missed me during those times and wanted to reach but felt too embarrassed. She knows she hurt me bad this time. she won't have the guts to crawl back. But I would love it. However this time she already fell for a new guy. But i would love to be a fly on the wall when something in the relationship goes bad.
Author Coping Vortex Posted January 18, 2013 Author Posted January 18, 2013 I think if both you guys just give it one more go there might be.......kidding Hang strong with NC! Cav Cav, you know I have been there done that. Got burned BIG TIME!!!!!
cavalier99 Posted January 18, 2013 Posted January 18, 2013 (edited) Cav, you know I have been there done that. Got burned BIG TIME!!!!! I'm just messing with you guys. I know your both really hurting. Just wanted to lighten things up some and maybe get a smile out of you. You will both get thru this stronger than ever. Cav I sorta feel slightly guilty about the advice i gave puzzled because i egged him on some. I've never done that before. I really feel for you too but you know i have been preaching NC since the flower incident. I'm pretty sure your not going to break it this time lol Edited January 18, 2013 by cavalier99
puzzled1 Posted January 18, 2013 Posted January 18, 2013 Just focus on how difficult and annoying it was dealing with her at times. My ex had neck issues, back issues and carpal tunnel, along with anxiety, motion sickness, and being a bytch (that one is a recent development lol) I remember having to take care of her grandma ass all the time haha. There were a lot of times she would have something going on and I missed the events I had planned. So focus on how her kids were PITA and how research shows that she also developed the bytch syndrome. Haha. We are better off without them. Stop trying to think about her and all will be good! 1
na49 Posted January 18, 2013 Posted January 18, 2013 I definitely have that problem. When it was good, it was great with my ex. So I forget about all of the things that she did that hurt me. All of the times that I never mattered to her and she just went ahead and did whatever the hell she wanted to. I'm willing to take some of the blame though, I was WAY too passive in my relationship. I was her b*tch and did anything she said. I never told her "No I don't want to do that" I was always "Oh I'm happy when you're happy" So although she's at fault for treating me that way, I'm at fault for allowing it to happen and never showing how angry I was about it. Makes me wish I knew what I knew now when I was dating her instead of learning it all after. Oh well, it was my first relationship. There'll be another one. ...right?
cavalier99 Posted January 18, 2013 Posted January 18, 2013 (edited) Makes me wish I knew what I knew now when I was dating her instead of learning it all after. Oh well, it was my first relationship. There'll be another one. ...right? No NA you are pretty much doomed to be single forever. DUDE WTF of course there will be another! Your really young and have a ton of adventures awaiting you. When you finally get over this..which I'm guessing will happen in the next months ..time to stop wallowing and bang some hot college babes:lmao: Edited January 18, 2013 by cavalier99
Pinky777 Posted January 18, 2013 Posted January 18, 2013 No matter how amazing your ex made you feel when things were good, something went wrong to lead to the breakup. It takes two to tango and if everything were great on both sides you'd still be together. My ex was great in so many ways but he had a ton of baggage from his divorce including anger towards his ex-wife and serious trust issues, and in the end he couldn't give me what I needed and wanted out of the relationship. I think I'm keeping him up there on that pedestal though because I really thought I could be the one to open his heart again and make him be able to trust again. No one can make another person do that, of course, that has to come from within. Our relationship was short so it is hard to focus on the bad, since most of it was so good. But he pushed me away in the end and I'm someone who believes in trying, so that right there means I'm better off without him. There's someone better out there for you guys too. Learn what you can from these relationships and take that with you into the next ones
KatZee Posted January 18, 2013 Posted January 18, 2013 Yep. I know I did. When I dated my ex, despite anything he had done, the sun still shone out of his a.ss. I defended him up and down. To my friends, to my family. I made excuses for him left and right. I made excuses for myself. I told myself that my sacrifices were nothing and it was no big deal b/c that's what anyone in love would do. There were conversations I had with him where I had told him he was a perfect boyfriend. So amazing. That I was so lucky. And he would look at me and say, "nooo I'm not." And I'd sit there and be like "yes! yes!" Like the stupid idiot I was. Turns out he was denying what I was saying b/c he knew he was a piece of s.hit. He knew he was a liar. He knew he was a cheater. He knew he was doing crappy things to me. I feel so stupid for all the praise I gave him, how much I talked him up to people. The second I took him down off that pedestal I knew he never lived up to the hype. He's not a good person, despite his outward appearances. He doesn't know how to treat people. He just likes to toy with them. Apparently relationships are games, and people's hearts are nothing more than things to tease and joke around with until he gets bored. The amount of lies he told me, I know that I can't ever look back and believe a word he's told me. I know of a one week stretch in which he cheated. Meanwhile we were LDR for 19 months. How am I to believe he didn't cheat on me THEN? He probably did. The amount of stuff he kept hidden from me that I found out after the fact. His real feelings... I can't ever look back and think we had a great, honest, and loving relationship. Everything was real from my end. From his? It was a hoax. An act. The second I started drilling this into my head was the second I started moving on. Why would I want someone like this? Hypothetically speaking even if we WERE still together to this day, what would be the point? He isn't husband material. Never was, and I doubt ever will be. Because at his age he still feels nothing he does is wrong. He's immature, emotionally unavailable, highly critical, selfish, self-centered, a spoiled brat, inconsiderate, unsupportive, irresponsible, a liar, a cheater, unappreciative... I really can't think of one nice adjective to describe him. Not one. 1
cavalier99 Posted January 18, 2013 Posted January 18, 2013 (edited) Yep. I know I did. When I dated my ex, despite anything he had done, the sun still shone out of his a.ss. I defended him up and down. To my friends, to my family. I made excuses for him left and right. I made excuses for myself. I told myself that my sacrifices were nothing and it was no big deal b/c that's what anyone in love would do. There were conversations I had with him where I had told him he was a perfect boyfriend. So amazing. That I was so lucky. And he would look at me and say, "nooo I'm not." And I'd sit there and be like "yes! yes!" Like the stupid idiot I was. Turns out he was denying what I was saying b/c he knew he was a piece of s.hit. He knew he was a liar. He knew he was a cheater. He knew he was doing crappy things to me. I feel so stupid for all the praise I gave him, how much I talked him up to people. The second I took him down off that pedestal I knew he never lived up to the hype. He's not a good person, despite his outward appearances. He doesn't know how to treat people. He just likes to toy with them. Apparently relationships are games, and people's hearts are nothing more than things to tease and joke around with until he gets bored. The amount of lies he told me, I know that I can't ever look back and believe a word he's told me. I know of a one week stretch in which he cheated. Meanwhile we were LDR for 19 months. How am I to believe he didn't cheat on me THEN? He probably did. The amount of stuff he kept hidden from me that I found out after the fact. His real feelings... I can't ever look back and think we had a great, honest, and loving relationship. Everything was real from my end. From his? It was a hoax. An act. The second I started drilling this into my head was the second I started moving on. Why would I want someone like this? Hypothetically speaking even if we WERE still together to this day, what would be the point? He isn't husband material. Never was, and I doubt ever will be. Because at his age he still feels nothing he does is wrong. He's immature, emotionally unavailable, highly critical, selfish, self-centered, a spoiled brat, inconsiderate, unsupportive, irresponsible, a liar, a cheater, unappreciative... I really can't think of one nice adjective to describe him. Not one. Are you going to forgive him and yourself for being deceived? For you? I know your like 95% recovered and happy but maybe forgiveness is the last 5%? I'm not saying you haven't to an extent Just a thought. Edited January 18, 2013 by cavalier99
Author Coping Vortex Posted January 18, 2013 Author Posted January 18, 2013 I definitely have that problem. When it was good, it was great with my ex. So I forget about all of the things that she did that hurt me. All of the times that I never mattered to her and she just went ahead and did whatever the hell she wanted to. I'm willing to take some of the blame though, I was WAY too passive in my relationship. I was her b*tch and did anything she said. I never told her "No I don't want to do that" I was always "Oh I'm happy when you're happy" So although she's at fault for treating me that way, I'm at fault for allowing it to happen and never showing how angry I was about it. Makes me wish I knew what I knew now when I was dating her instead of learning it all after. Oh well, it was my first relationship. There'll be another one. ...right? You still have a long way to go in life. Us old guys have been there done that and we still get hurt and feel pain just as much. At least you can take heed in the wise wisdom dispensed on this site.
puzzled1 Posted January 18, 2013 Posted January 18, 2013 Yep. I know I did. When I dated my ex, despite anything he had done, the sun still shone out of his a.ss. I defended him up and down. To my friends, to my family. I made excuses for him left and right. I made excuses for myself. I told myself that my sacrifices were nothing and it was no big deal b/c that's what anyone in love would do. There were conversations I had with him where I had told him he was a perfect boyfriend. So amazing. That I was so lucky. And he would look at me and say, "nooo I'm not." And I'd sit there and be like "yes! yes!" Like the stupid idiot I was. Turns out he was denying what I was saying b/c he knew he was a piece of s.hit. He knew he was a liar. He knew he was a cheater. He knew he was doing crappy things to me. I feel so stupid for all the praise I gave him, how much I talked him up to people. The second I took him down off that pedestal I knew he never lived up to the hype. He's not a good person, despite his outward appearances. He doesn't know how to treat people. He just likes to toy with them. Apparently relationships are games, and people's hearts are nothing more than things to tease and joke around with until he gets bored. The amount of lies he told me, I know that I can't ever look back and believe a word he's told me. I know of a one week stretch in which he cheated. Meanwhile we were LDR for 19 months. How am I to believe he didn't cheat on me THEN? He probably did. The amount of stuff he kept hidden from me that I found out after the fact. His real feelings... I can't ever look back and think we had a great, honest, and loving relationship. Everything was real from my end. From his? It was a hoax. An act. The second I started drilling this into my head was the second I started moving on. Why would I want someone like this? Hypothetically speaking even if we WERE still together to this day, what would be the point? He isn't husband material. Never was, and I doubt ever will be. Because at his age he still feels nothing he does is wrong. He's immature, emotionally unavailable, highly critical, selfish, self-centered, a spoiled brat, inconsiderate, unsupportive, irresponsible, a liar, a cheater, unappreciative... I really can't think of one nice adjective to describe him. Not one. I love this. I am taking all the negative stuff from everyone's relationship and putting them into perspective on my last relationship. This helps a lot!
KatZee Posted January 18, 2013 Posted January 18, 2013 Are you going to forgive him and yourself for being deceived? For you? I know your like 95% recovered and happy but maybe forgiveness is the last 5%? I forgive myself. I forgive myself for allowing him to treat me the way he did. I am not sad he received all that love from me, because it proves I'm capable of such selfless, and unconditional love. I admire that about myself, and even after all he's done, I look forward to the day I can love someone who's worthy and deserving of everything I know I have to offer. Do I forgive him? No. I'm a Libra. We hold grudges, that's just what we do. If he contacted me and actually apologized like a man I would contemplate forgiving him. But forgiving him for nothing? No. He's a stain in my book, and will continue to be a stain. 1
cavalier99 Posted January 18, 2013 Posted January 18, 2013 I forgive myself. I forgive myself for allowing him to treat me the way he did. I am not sad he received all that love from me, because it proves I'm capable of such selfless, and unconditional love. I admire that about myself, and even after all he's done, I look forward to the day I can love someone who's worthy and deserving of everything I know I have to offer. Do I forgive him? No. I'm a Libra. We hold grudges, that's just what we do. If he contacted me and actually apologized like a man I would contemplate forgiving him. But forgiving him for nothing? No. He's a stain in my book, and will continue to be a stain. Thats cool. I vote for forgiveness eventually (not to him but in your mind) but I'm not a Libra lol
Author Coping Vortex Posted January 18, 2013 Author Posted January 18, 2013 Thats cool. I vote for forgiveness eventually (not to him but in your mind) but I'm not a Libra lol I have to admit when we are in love we have a much higher capacity to forgive. If my ex came running back yes I would forgive her. However, there is shelf life to forgiveness. I have other ex's I would never forgive. Mainly because I no longer love them. 1
KatZee Posted January 18, 2013 Posted January 18, 2013 Thats cool. I vote for forgiveness eventually (not to him but in your mind) but I'm not a Libra lol Grudges don't really bother us too much. As quick as I am to treat you like royalty, I will soon rip that rug right out from under you, cut you off and never speak to you again, with not so much as a second glance backwards. I tend to keep negativity out of my life, and designating idiots to that land of grudges actually helps my life lol.
KatZee Posted January 18, 2013 Posted January 18, 2013 I have to admit when we are in love we have a much higher capacity to forgive. If my ex came running back yes I would forgive her. However, there is shelf life to forgiveness. I have other ex's I would never forgive. Mainly because I no longer love them. Agreed. Hell, I forgave my ex for all his lies and his cheating. Now? He would never be forgiven for looking at me the wrong way.
cavalier99 Posted January 18, 2013 Posted January 18, 2013 Grudges don't really bother us too much. As quick as I am to treat you like royalty, I will soon rip that rug right out from under you, cut you off and never speak to you again, with not so much as a second glance backwards. I tend to keep negativity out of my life, and designating idiots to that land of grudges actually helps my life lol. For me personally I'm think once I'm indifferent i just wont care about some of the BS she pulled. But it really wasn't nearly anything to the extent of your EX. So i guess i might feel differently in your situation. I'm i guess I'm beginning to not really care anymore. Hope this lasts.
KatZee Posted January 18, 2013 Posted January 18, 2013 For me personally I'm think once I'm indifferent i just wont care about some of the BS she pulled. But it really wasn't nearly anything to the extent of your EX. So i guess i might feel differently in your situation. I'm i guess I'm beginning to not really care anymore. Hope this lasts. I'm at that point. Indifference. I still don't like who he is as a person but I no longer really give a crap. Sometimes I laugh at everything I put up with, other days I can't even believe it's been 8-9 months since the split. We spent so much time together and just went cold turkey and it's 9 months. Like where did the time go? How did I get to where I am? How has my life changed so drastically? 1
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