BiancaLDN Posted January 18, 2013 Posted January 18, 2013 ...go from telling you they love you, being so close to you, telling you that they care for you etc... to brushing you off with a "no, thank you" when you simply ask if they want to meet for a coffee? All because of a few flippant, hardly insulting things said in an argument? I'm starting to wonder if she ever even cared at all.
Balzac Posted January 18, 2013 Posted January 18, 2013 Sounds like a breakup story. Once they've disengaged, moved on, it's not so difficult to understand. Not knowing your situation it's awkward to comment further. I will however add, it can be a defining moment to witness a love interest in the heat of battle, how they handle their emotions. Anger is one emotion, it's how one behaves when angry that matters.
Coping Vortex Posted January 18, 2013 Posted January 18, 2013 ...go from telling you they love you, being so close to you, telling you that they care for you etc... to brushing you off with a "no, thank you" when you simply ask if they want to meet for a coffee? All because of a few flippant, hardly insulting things said in an argument? I'm starting to wonder if she ever even cared at all. You know its so funny how alike all of our stories are. After 3 weeks post BU I went to my ex's house to talk to her. We parked and sat in the car and talked for hours and she told me she still loved me. We talked about starting to date again to get things back. etc etc. I sent her a text the next day to meet for breakfast to keep the talks going and I got the same thing "no thanks" The next text was "I don't wish to continue the relationship with you" What was all the talking for hours for the day before? I think you will find whatever you are going through has been written about in this forum a thousand times. That is the most amazing thing you will find as you look online for advice. It's all cookie cutter. From why the ex does what they do to "looking back" to discussions to getting back to breaking NC. If this forum could be read by everyone in a relationship first and know the pain you can experience if you take your relationship too lightly. I think more couples would work on their relationship harder. I guess we take things for granted after awhile. The other thing to remember with women that us guys don't seem to ever learn. Women can take a passing remark to heart. It can be the basis for leaving you. Women can throw the switch at any time. Something us guys just don't get that. What we find as trivial and not something to blow up a relationship over could be the end of a relationship for them.
Author BiancaLDN Posted January 18, 2013 Author Posted January 18, 2013 Sounds like a breakup story. Once they've disengaged, moved on, it's not so difficult to understand. Not knowing your situation it's awkward to comment further. I will however add, it can be a defining moment to witness a love interest in the heat of battle, how they handle their emotions. Anger is one emotion, it's how one behaves when angry that matters. It was very complicated. She cheated on someone with me, then tried to blame me. I was of the opinion that she made her own choices, that I was not to blame. She is no longer with the person, and is no longer interested in me. I was attacked equally, and feel I have done no wrong. But I guess you're right, perhaps she just didn't like the way I responded.
Author BiancaLDN Posted January 18, 2013 Author Posted January 18, 2013 You know its so funny how alike all of our stories are. After 3 weeks post BU I went to my ex's house to talk to her. We parked and sat in the car and talked for hours and she told me she still loved me. We talked about starting to date again to get things back. etc etc. I sent her a text the next day to meet for breakfast to keep the talks going and I got the same thing "no thanks" The next text was "I don't wish to continue the relationship with you" What was all the talking for hours for the day before? I think you will find whatever you are going through has been written about in this forum a thousand times. That is the most amazing thing you will find as you look online for advice. It's all cookie cutter. From why the ex does what they do to "looking back" to discussions to getting back to breaking NC. If this forum could be read by everyone in a relationship first and know the pain you can experience if you take your relationship too lightly. I think more couples would work on their relationship harder. I guess we take things for granted after awhile. The other thing to remember with women that us guys don't seem to ever learn. Women can take a passing remark to heart. It can be the basis for leaving you. Women can throw the switch at any time. Something us guys just don't get that. What we find as trivial and not something to blow up a relationship over could be the end of a relationship for them. Yep, totally right. 1
KathyM Posted January 18, 2013 Posted January 18, 2013 It doesn't take a lot to turn a person off if they haven't invested a lot of time into the relationship. Once you show those red flags, (in your case, being flippant, insulting, inconsiderate), and your girlfriend recognizes them as red flags, it's pretty hard to get the interest level back to what it was. 1
Balzac Posted January 18, 2013 Posted January 18, 2013 Many women operate under the "transcript" method. Conversations are "on the record" subject to be recalled into testimony at any moment. Some refer to it as elephant memory, others call it waiting to throw the red card. Whatever you choose to call it, recognizing this character trait is the necessary deal.
KathyM Posted January 18, 2013 Posted January 18, 2013 I think what a lot of people don't realize is that dating is a trial period. It is a time when people are evaluating whether this person they are dating has relationship potential or long term potential. When they find out the person has characteristics that do not make for a good relationship partner, most people are not motivated to continue, and will move on to find someone else who is more compatible. If a man (or woman) shows it's difficult to get along with them during the dating process when there are few things to argue about, it doesn't give their dating partner a positive feeling about how that person would manage himself in a committed or long term relationship. To use a sports metaphor, if a player doesn't play well in games where the opponent is easy to win against, that player is not going to be put in games when the opponent is a tough team. The risk of losing the game is too great if you have players who are not capable of playing to the level needed to win the game. And the coach doesn't usually want to wait around hoping that player will turn himself around. As in dating, you're given a brief opportunity to show what you've got. If you screw up, you're yanked out of the game.
KatZee Posted January 18, 2013 Posted January 18, 2013 Same thing with my ex. Apparently I was his best friend. The closest person to him in his life. The one he told everything to, who really knew the real him. Told me he had no one in his life like that, that all his friends were pretty superficial. The one he loved more than anything, he never loved anyone the way he did me. A month later that turns into "have a nice life, lose my number, sell the jewelry I bought for you." Are you kidding me? 1
Pinky777 Posted January 18, 2013 Posted January 18, 2013 Being cold is just the way some people deal with loss. It's easier than actually dealing with those emotions. It doesn't necessarily mean they don't care about you at all it's just their way of moving on.
Coping Vortex Posted January 18, 2013 Posted January 18, 2013 Same thing with my ex. Apparently I was his best friend. The closest person to him in his life. The one he told everything to, who really knew the real him. Told me he had no one in his life like that, that all his friends were pretty superficial. The one he loved more than anything, he never loved anyone the way he did me. A month later that turns into "have a nice life, lose my number, sell the jewelry I bought for you." Are you kidding me? Been there done that.
KatZee Posted January 18, 2013 Posted January 18, 2013 Been there done that. Yeah well I have no empathy or sympathy for these people. People who behave like this are f.ucking stupid. "way to cope" my a.ss. Be a grown up and grow a sack. Give the person you're dumping the respect they deserve.
MyAngel Posted January 18, 2013 Posted January 18, 2013 I can fully understand how one would find it easier to switch off, be cold, and cut someone out completely. It's their way. I am not made like that. I have a too caring and easily hurt heart. If only I could switch off like my ex has done to me, I am sure I'd be much happier!
Coping Vortex Posted January 19, 2013 Posted January 19, 2013 Yeah well I have no empathy or sympathy for these people. People who behave like this are f.ucking stupid. "way to cope" my a.ss. Be a grown up and grow a sack. Give the person you're dumping the respect they deserve. I hope you realize when I said "been there done that" meant it was done to me.
FailedFirstLove Posted January 19, 2013 Posted January 19, 2013 I found so many people and their stories here that I can relate to. Seems like their heart wasnt with us for awhile before they called it quits. We're Just too blinded by love to realize. When they decide they are better off without us no matter how much love we have for them they won't care. Their not going to look back. Maybe time will make them realize that the things we do threat they may hate is love. Sometimes we try to do what's best for them and they don't appreciate it.
Stoic44 Posted January 19, 2013 Posted January 19, 2013 Yep, totally right. If they do take a passing remark and blow up the relationship over it, they weren't that invested to begin with. Chicks who are crazy about you let that stuff fly. The worst thing I ever said to a GF was that I called her a "pain in the ass" in front of a waitress. There were tears; I apologized; I was in the doghouse--but she still stuck around. 1
MyAngel Posted January 19, 2013 Posted January 19, 2013 I found so many people and their stories here that I can relate to. Seems like their heart wasnt with us for awhile before they called it quits. We're Just too blinded by love to realize. When they decide they are better off without us no matter how much love we have for them they won't care. Their not going to look back. Maybe time will make them realize that the things we do threat they may hate is love. Sometimes we try to do what's best for them and they don't appreciate it. Yes! I was too blind to see that she had been slipping away from me for at LEAST a month that I was aware of. She was distant and I clearly felt it but had NO idea that it was because her love was fading at that point. Wow huh? Oh well we know now in retrospect. Can't change the past but we have all learnt valuable lessons here for the future.
Author BiancaLDN Posted January 19, 2013 Author Posted January 19, 2013 So a few opinions here are that dating is a trial period, and seeing someone's true colours has shown them that I'm not worth pursuing...this is fair enough. I understand this totally, as I would be totally the same. And if my situation had been a typical one-on-one situation, I would not have been so frustrated and angry (I was the other person, she was already with someone) at losing her. BUT. The person I was seeing was no angel. Our situation was very complicated (I'm sure you'll find more on it somewhere in my desperate forum posts, lol) I felt I was being blamed for many things, at one point I was even told I took advantage of her, when SHE came to my house, and SHE initiated sex. I was angry, felt embarrassed. Fair enough, she can't control her feelings and she can't help that the arguments changed her feelings - but I do believe that if I truly cared for someone, I would be hurt but I would never cut someone off due to things said in an argument. I'm an adult and understand that things said in an argument are never meant, they're often always said to get a reaction from the other person. I've had some serious, malicious NASTY arguments with some of my best friends, but we're still best friends. If someone doesn't want to be with you after arguments, then perhaps their feelings aren't as deep as they would have liked you to believe.
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