buckeyeblue Posted January 18, 2013 Posted January 18, 2013 Back to the blame issue, with a twist. My cheating STBXH (but not soon enough!) has always blamed others when things don't go as planned in his life. This was a sore subject between us long before his affair. Nothing, nothing, nothing is EVER his fault. For instance, if he doesn't get the promotion, it is because his "boss doesn't like men". If he forgets over and over again to do whatever it is he promised to do, it is because "the mailman distracted me", "some woman spilled coffee on me", or "the man on the TV told me not to go anywhere because they would be right back", ......take your pick. When one of our children doesn't get play time in a sport, it's not because they don't give effort...nooooooo, it's because the "coach is a jerk". Or if our child CHOOSES not to do his/her homework and EARNS a lower grade, it is because "the teacher is out to get him/her". It has been this way for 22 years!! It has been a constant tug-of-war with me trying to empower my children by teaching them that they have control over virtually everything in their lives and my H teaching them that the world is "out to get them". Guess which side the kids like! So, no surprise, his choice to have an affair was MY fault and even his OW's fault. When I asked him how it could be my fault............crickets. So, in introspect, I should not have been surprised that he had an affair and told thousands of lies. His selfishness (yes, I knew about this as well) coupled with his lack of accountability for his actions should have put me on notice that he would do this. It is not that I could not see that he would have the character to do what he did, I just couldn't believe he could do that to his own children. Even now, when he sees their pain, he just shrugs his shoulders like "that's life!" So, is my CS common in this respect? Did you see signs of unaccountability before the affair? 2
beenburned Posted January 18, 2013 Posted January 18, 2013 He** yes!! Both with my cheating H in the early years of our marriage, and my D's STBXH!! They both reminded me of a spoiled rotten child that said everything was someone else's fault!! They also both had a HUGE sense of entitlement, like their happiness was more important than anyone elses. Lucky for me, my H grew up, matured, and changed into a totally different person after our d-day! My D'd STBXH however is a hopeless case. He had a OW#1 for 4 yrs., that wasn't enough for him. So he also got OW#2 to add to the mix. All he** blew up when they all found out the truth! So, what does he do when D kicks him out? Moves out of state and gets a new young naive GF that knows nothing about his long term history of serial cheating!
Snowflower Posted January 18, 2013 Posted January 18, 2013 So, is my CS common in this respect? Did you see signs of unaccountability before the affair? Yes, looking back I saw the signs in my H but his issues were/are different. But yep, the signs were there for years. I just didn't recognize them and like so many other BS, I didn't think his "traits" would ever lead to something like infidelity. What was simply "annoying" about him before has a whole different connotation now. 2
Decorative Posted January 18, 2013 Posted January 18, 2013 Not really. The only crazy behavior I saw was during the false recovery and he immediate period after the last DDay. That stuff was amazing. He never blamed anyone but himself, though. And the kitchen paint. LOL He did some marital rewriting- but it wasn't true and he dismissed it pretty quickly on his own. My husband's pathology for his affair was more about validation and trying to fix what was wrong with him inside ( his need for validation was like a bucket with a hole in the bottom- no normal human relationship could supply what he needed at that point- bc he was so unhealthy ). But he has never been a blaming type of guy. He is huge in personal responsibility. Which is another reason this whole sitch was a blindside to me, and why I was knocked off my " he would never " horse pretty soundly. 1
Spark1111 Posted January 18, 2013 Posted January 18, 2013 Yes! My H was recovering from illness and depression and he blamed the world, but mostly me. In IC, with every complaint he told himself to justify the affair, the counselor gently asked him to explain how is was my fault? And bit by bit dismantled all his projected anger of me. he was really angry at himself.
waterwoman Posted January 18, 2013 Posted January 18, 2013 No, can't say he has ever done that. He accepts his own failures as his own. Regarding the affair, he never blamed OW and apart from a few silly comments didn't blame me. However he does admit that our marriage wasn't in a good way - but doesn't blame me or him for that.
Author buckeyeblue Posted January 18, 2013 Author Posted January 18, 2013 And the kitchen paint. LOL Darn that orange paint!!! It will get you everytime!! 1
Decorative Posted January 18, 2013 Posted January 18, 2013 Darn that orange paint!!! It will get you everytime!! They should put a warning on the can!!! LOL
screwedovertwenty Posted January 18, 2013 Posted January 18, 2013 They should put a warning on the can!!! LOL How weird! I laughed a little when I read about the orange paint the other day. I painted my living room orange last December 2nd. Husband began his affair last December, the same month I painted the living room orange. A year later December 2, 2012, was the day that I found out there was actual sex involved in the affair, not just EA. Just weird. I think it's time to paint again! 1
Author buckeyeblue Posted January 18, 2013 Author Posted January 18, 2013 They should put a warning on the can!!! WARNING: The sight of this orange paint can inexplicably and, without any blame on oneself, cause one's pen*s to be thrust into the vag**a of another person. Please use caution when assigning blame to the paint as this can lead to flying knives and the loss of your family. 2
Journee Posted January 19, 2013 Posted January 19, 2013 I must be one sick puppy then. I actually have a thread about my placing of blame on myself. I just wish sometimes he would blame something. I mean, don't tell me I feel like this without explanation. Is it really as simple as him having poor boundaries and just letting stuff happen to him? He takes full responsibility but never sites a source. Maybe it's time to accept he had never been faithful to anyone and likely never will be. I am the one struggling with the why's. Not he and that drives me batty for some reason. OW was actually a person that saw everyone as out to get her. She blamed my H, her H, her OOM even stress of potty training her youngest. Seriously.... Yet I blame me sometimes because I can't accept that my H is a Dbag. Even he can accept that about himself. 1
Steen719 Posted January 19, 2013 Posted January 19, 2013 Back to the blame issue, with a twist. My cheating STBXH (but not soon enough!) has always blamed others when things don't go as planned in his life. This was a sore subject between us long before his affair. Nothing, nothing, nothing is EVER his fault. For instance, if he doesn't get the promotion, it is because his "boss doesn't like men". If he forgets over and over again to do whatever it is he promised to do, it is because "the mailman distracted me", "some woman spilled coffee on me", or "the man on the TV told me not to go anywhere because they would be right back", ......take your pick. When one of our children doesn't get play time in a sport, it's not because they don't give effort...nooooooo, it's because the "coach is a jerk". Or if our child CHOOSES not to do his/her homework and EARNS a lower grade, it is because "the teacher is out to get him/her". It has been this way for 22 years!! It has been a constant tug-of-war with me trying to empower my children by teaching them that they have control over virtually everything in their lives and my H teaching them that the world is "out to get them". Guess which side the kids like! So, no surprise, his choice to have an affair was MY fault and even his OW's fault. When I asked him how it could be my fault............crickets. So, in introspect, I should not have been surprised that he had an affair and told thousands of lies. His selfishness (yes, I knew about this as well) coupled with his lack of accountability for his actions should have put me on notice that he would do this. It is not that I could not see that he would have the character to do what he did, I just couldn't believe he could do that to his own children. Even now, when he sees their pain, he just shrugs his shoulders like "that's life!" So, is my CS common in this respect? Did you see signs of unaccountability before the affair? OMG, it feels like I am reading my own story. My XH blamed me routinely for everything for 22 years also! It was apparent to most people and my son would say things like how can that be Mom's fault? Oh, I have a million examples, but this, to me, is the most ludicrous. He was ill from Hep C and had a liver transplant. Once this affair was discovered after his transplant, I went forward with the divorce and had to live there with him for a while. He kept trying to get me to stay, but it was really painfully obvious that he was panicking at my departure and how it would affect him (probably mostly financially). Anyway.....in an argument where he was blaming me for his affair, the divorce and everything else, I was just uh-huhing, because by this time, I was not even bothering to argue (as much as I could). He told me that it was my fault he had a transplant because it "happened on my watch". I swear he said that! I had taken care of this man, wiped up after him, given him IV meds and more than I want to repeat here and you want to hear LOL, killed myself working to pay the bills, moved with him to another city for the transplant and oh well....you get the point....and he blamed me for him having to get a transplant! I swear, I had to laugh at how absolutely pathetic that was! You will enjoy not having that aspect of your ex-relationship. It is nice to not have someone blame me for everything I did and everything he did!!! :lmao::lmao: I have enough issues to find blame with; I don't need his, too.
BetrayedH Posted January 19, 2013 Posted January 19, 2013 I knew my wife was emotionally immature but I never thought she was capable of an affair. I thought she was too smart and that there was at least enough respect between us to prevent it. Wrong. 2
Decorative Posted January 19, 2013 Posted January 19, 2013 WARNING: The sight of this orange paint can inexplicably and, without any blame on oneself, cause one's pen*s to be thrust into the vag**a of another person. Please use caution when assigning blame to the paint as this can lead to flying knives and the loss of your family. Rofl!!!! *dying laughing*
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