jovan Posted January 18, 2013 Posted January 18, 2013 Thing is that in my past relationship everything seemed prefect for 5 long years, until just one day she dumped saying that she doesn't feel the same about me anymore... How can I ever trust in any relationship after this. I didn't do anything wrong, and gave her everything I had, but I guess that wasn't enough.
FailedFirstLove Posted January 18, 2013 Posted January 18, 2013 Thing is that in my past relationship everything seemed prefect for 5 long years, until just one day she dumped saying that she doesn't feel the same about me anymore... How can I ever trust in any relationship after this. I didn't do anything wrong, and gave her everything I had, but I guess that wasn't enough. I have no idea... ill always be cautious. And it sucks because ill be scared to get dumped again. This pain won't go away. I know one day ill give in and just call him. Cry my eyes out. And look pathetic
Mint Sauce Posted January 18, 2013 Posted January 18, 2013 even in retrospect you can't find any subtle signs that she was detaching? I didn't see it coming either, but in retrospect there are plenty of small things that I could have picked up to know that something was slightly off in her appreciation of me/us.
Author jovan Posted January 18, 2013 Author Posted January 18, 2013 No nothing, I didn't see it coming. It just blew up in my face -.-
MyAngel Posted January 18, 2013 Posted January 18, 2013 I know what you mean. To give someone your love and heart leaves you vulnerable and it's a risk you have to take if you want to be and give love. You need to think: shall I live the rest of my life never giving my heart to anyone again or will the next person I accept In to my life be the right one for me? It's a chance. A risk. One day it will be worth it all. 1
Victoria Lake Posted January 18, 2013 Posted January 18, 2013 Just like MyAngel said - it's a risk you'll have to assume (as long as you want a serious & healthy relationship; on the other side, you could always decide that you don't want anything serious, so there's no need to get very involved). Every person is different, so history doesn't have to repeat itself Don't allow yourself to get all kind of trust issues because of what one persond did. I think deceptions have a good side because they teach you that nothing is stable, that people can surprise you in a negative way after years and years of being together. "Expect the best, be prepared for the worst".
ScienceGal Posted January 18, 2013 Posted January 18, 2013 Short answer, every relationship is a gamble. I know that's not what you want to hear, but it's the truth. You can do everything perfectly and it might still end. It's really about making the best possible decision with the information that you have, and cutting yourself slack when things don't work out. I know a guy in his early 30s who has had two 6-8 year relationships, and 3 kids between the two women. He didn't end either of the relationships. I'm sure he'd like an answer to your question as well. (You aren't alone). My advice to you is to continue healing and not worry about meeting and trusting someone new. You're not ready for that. When you are, you'll be in a better place to ask questions like this.
Mint Sauce Posted January 18, 2013 Posted January 18, 2013 if you date close to your age, chances are high your new girl will have some LTR experience as well. Ask her how that ended, and listen carefully.
TaraMaiden Posted January 18, 2013 Posted January 18, 2013 It's also a question of Trusting yourself to trust. What a lot of people don't realise, is that trust doesn't only work via the other person. you begin to doubt your own ability to not get fooled twice. Trust works both ways. You need to develop self-confidence - that is, Confidence in Yourself - and your abilities to be open and receptive, without leaving yourself vulnerable and exposed.
crashvector Posted January 18, 2013 Posted January 18, 2013 Thing is that in my past relationship everything seemed prefect for 5 long years, until just one day she dumped saying that she doesn't feel the same about me anymore... How can I ever trust in any relationship after this. I didn't do anything wrong, and gave her everything I had, but I guess that wasn't enough. You and I are in the exact same situation. 5 years, gave this woman EVERYTHING I had. I honestly could NOT have tried even a microscopic bit harder or loved her one ounce more. In the end, it wasn't enough. Was it WORTH it? Probably. First woman I can say that about. I guess the problem is: Is the juice worth the squeeze? That's only a question that time can answer. I DO know this much: the next time (and there WILL be a next time..for both of us), I will be MUCH more cautious and careful....and I will struggle against my typical ENFJ traits to FORCE myself to go SLOW.... I think that if you really thought about it, you could probably think about small little signs that would tell you "I was more invested in the relationship than she was." I know I can... I was more dependent on her than she was on me. The relationship was a bigger part of my life than it was hers. I needed more contact from her than she needed from me. See what I mean? In the end, what I'm looking for SOUNDS counter-productive, but I know it's what I'm more comfortable with: a slightly more "needy" woman...one who LIKES to stay in more close contact throughout the day. Truth is, I'm NOT that independent of a person. I can stand on my own two feet for SURE, but I draw a LOT of strength from my relationships, and I want someone who feels the same way. Perhaps that what YOU need as well?
Author jovan Posted January 18, 2013 Author Posted January 18, 2013 You and I are in the exact same situation. 5 years, gave this woman EVERYTHING I had. I honestly could NOT have tried even a microscopic bit harder or loved her one ounce more. In the end, it wasn't enough. Was it WORTH it? Probably. First woman I can say that about. I guess the problem is: Is the juice worth the squeeze? That's only a question that time can answer. I DO know this much: the next time (and there WILL be a next time..for both of us), I will be MUCH more cautious and careful....and I will struggle against my typical ENFJ traits to FORCE myself to go SLOW.... I think that if you really thought about it, you could probably think about small little signs that would tell you "I was more invested in the relationship than she was." I know I can... I was more dependent on her than she was on me. The relationship was a bigger part of my life than it was hers. I needed more contact from her than she needed from me. See what I mean? In the end, what I'm looking for SOUNDS counter-productive, but I know it's what I'm more comfortable with: a slightly more "needy" woman...one who LIKES to stay in more close contact throughout the day. Truth is, I'm NOT that independent of a person. I can stand on my own two feet for SURE, but I draw a LOT of strength from my relationships, and I want someone who feels the same way. Perhaps that what YOU need as well? Am just reading this now, and am amazed how much our stories are similar. I tottaly agree with you 100% How long have you been with this woman?
crashvector Posted January 18, 2013 Posted January 18, 2013 Am just reading this now, and am amazed how much our stories are similar. I tottaly agree with you 100% How long have you been with this woman? Today would have been 5 years since our first date. She called off the engagement and relationship on Dec. 27th at 4:37PM. Trust me, I'm as heartbroken as they come....so much so that I ended up having to seek treatment, had my mood stabilizer medications TRIPLED in dose. Trust me dude...there's nothing either one of us can do here. Nothing we do or say will change anything. All the prayers in the world won't make them come back. yes, its a terribly helpless feeling....a feeling I know VERY VERY well. but...there WILL be another. Just have to be more careful.
Author jovan Posted January 18, 2013 Author Posted January 18, 2013 What reason did she give you for all that?Just dont tell me that she "lost her feelings for you"
na49 Posted January 18, 2013 Posted January 18, 2013 I wonder the same thing at times. To think that someone who I loved and did as much as I could for, could just find someone else as easy as she did. Do what she did behind my back, and just leave me like she did. Makes it hard for me to believe that my next relationship won't end the same way. It's not that I'm afraid to date again, I'm just afraid to be as emotionally invested in someone like I was if the end result is the same.
crashvector Posted January 18, 2013 Posted January 18, 2013 (edited) What reason did she give you for all that?Just dont tell me that she "lost her feelings for you" "You clearly need more than I can offer you, and when I cant give you what you need, you think that nagging me or bitching at me will make me somehow be able to give you what I don't have to give." My response "Everyone, including you, seems to be telling me what I need lately. How about you let *ME* decide what is enough for me or not?! Trust me, you ARE enough. You are everything I EVER wanted and THEN some, I PROMISE you. I never knew the way I approached you for time together set you off or was "bitchy". Would have been nice if you would have TOLD me before now...when I could have done something to alter my approach." Edited January 18, 2013 by crashvector
Author jovan Posted January 18, 2013 Author Posted January 18, 2013 You and I are in the exact same situation. 5 years, gave this woman EVERYTHING I had. I honestly could NOT have tried even a microscopic bit harder or loved her one ounce more. In the end, it wasn't enough. Was it WORTH it? Probably. First woman I can say that about. I guess the problem is: Is the juice worth the squeeze? That's only a question that time can answer. I DO know this much: the next time (and there WILL be a next time..for both of us), I will be MUCH more cautious and careful....and I will struggle against my typical ENFJ traits to FORCE myself to go SLOW.... I think that if you really thought about it, you could probably think about small little signs that would tell you "I was more invested in the relationship than she was." I know I can... I was more dependent on her than she was on me. The relationship was a bigger part of my life than it was hers. I needed more contact from her than she needed from me. See what I mean? In the end, what I'm looking for SOUNDS counter-productive, but I know it's what I'm more comfortable with: a slightly more "needy" woman...one who LIKES to stay in more close contact throughout the day. Truth is, I'm NOT that independent of a person. I can stand on my own two feet for SURE, but I draw a LOT of strength from my relationships, and I want someone who feels the same way. Perhaps that what YOU need as well? "You clearly need more than I can offer you, and when I cant give you what you need, you think that nagging me or bitching at me will make me somehow be able to give you what I don't have to give." My response "Everyone, including you, seems to be telling me what I need lately. How about you let *ME* decide what is enough for me or not?! Trust me, you ARE enough. You are everything I EVER wanted and THEN some, I PROMISE you. I never knew the way I approached you for time together set you off or was "bitchy". Would have been nice if you would have TOLD me before now...when I could have done something to alter my approach." i have no comment on that. Hang in there bro!!!!
crashvector Posted January 18, 2013 Posted January 18, 2013 i have no comment on that. Hang in there bro!!!! You too. Look...everything has been said that COULD be said. Every gesture that can be made has been. They are NOT coming back. time to keep your (our) chin down and keep fighting to move forward. 2
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