Was he wrong or was i the emotionally abusive one?

[Char12]

I'd got out of a bad relationship which i was completely heartbroken by and 6 months later met my recent ex. He was completely different, quite quiet and shy and he treated me perfectly for the first 4 months. He told me he loved me and we began having a sex.. he was a virgin so it meant a lot to both of us and i completely fell for him too. Around a month later he suddenly began acting differently.. he'd make sarcastic comments, roll his eyes or just completely blank me until i said something sometimes. If i confronted him he'd get quite angry and defensive. Sometimes we'd have great days like in the beginning and others he'd just act distant.. One time we were walking down a main street and he stood on something on the floor. I laughed and he pushed my head towards his shoe in public and stormed off walking in front of me. I shamefully followed asking what he did it for and demanding an apology. He said he "didn't like people laughing at him" and gave me a half ass apology. When we got back to his he started blaring music, a song that pretty much said "if you don't stop arguing i'm going to leave you" and throwing darts hard at his dartboard. It was downplayed and wasn't a big deal at the time but writing it out i have no idea why i didn't leave but i didn't.. just sat there feeling intimidated and numb. I asked him if he still even liked me and he said he wanted more space, i gave it him and thought i must have been too clingy for him to act like he was.

 

I must have had a moment of clarity realizing he didn't care about me and i left him not long after that. He was very sympathetic and said he didn't know what he was doing wrong and he did love me.. some days we had together made it easy to believe too and i started to believe he might actually not know what he was doing. He rang me later that week sounding understanding and asking if we could take a break instead. I ended up going back to him which knocked my confidence i'd gained by leaving. After this he didn't really treat me badly but was just emotionally not there. After a while on holding it in i'd tell him i felt like this and he said he didn't know what he was doing wrong and i'd end up feeling like i was just needy and starting arguments. Once he invited me to a party and talked more to girl friend in swedish, whilst pretty much ignoring me. When we moved he told me he'd be back soon and went to talk to her some more whilst leaving me with some other people. When i was upset i'd be blamed for being jealous or possessive and not allowing him to see his friends. I'd often cry myself to sleep from feeling neglected from things like this, wondering if i was being out of order. I'd also feel neglected that he didn't want to have sex with me very often and when he did he sometimes wouldn't return the favour because "i took to long to orgasm". He'd sometimes say "are you going to get emotional again?" or "why do you switch to a different person?" making me feel like i was unstable and having irrational outbursts. I'd just hold it in so long trying not to nag until i had to say something.. come away feeling guilty that i kept nagging him about it and doubting myself that i was feeling this way. I'd often end up apologizing to him to him afterwards thinking he was right and making me seem even more unstable. Eg. I'd tell him i felt like we never went on dates just the two of us anymore. He'd bring up a time we did months ago. I'd apologize. A week later we'd plan a date to the cinema and the day before he suggests i bring all my friends. I bring up the same argument saying i feel like he doesn't want to be seen with me alone. He'd make out like i was crazy and say he thought it'd be nice for me to see my friends too. I'd feel guilty and end up apologizing again. I'd come away feeling like i was constantly having a go at him and that i was irrational.

 

A year later he went to uni where he was living with 4 other girls. I had told him i was feeling uneasy about it and he'd say that nothing was going to happen and i shouldn't worry but i was feeling very insecure by this point. Just before he left he put a box on condoms in his pocket and said he was binning them.. when he returned i playfully went to feel in his pockets and he got defensive. I then got wary and said "let me see" and he refused, making me out to be controlling that i wanted to check through his pockets and saying "why are you so paranoid?" i understood where he was coming from and thought it was out of order of me. He ended up going 5 minutes after this incident and felt even more insecure. We'd set aside times to talk every night but he'd always drop me for his new friends. He'd be living with these girls and going out clubbing with them all night and he'd still drop me if they wanted something during our time talking. If i confronted him he'd say "it's a busy week! i'm here talking to you now when i don't have to be." or "am i even allowed to go out? do you want me to stay in my room all day?" and he starting calling me "boss". I never said he couldn't go out, i just felt constantly on the back burner. He also took a long time replying to me and sounded blunt.. he'd say "it sounds like you want to be talking to me all the time?" which made me get even more clingy and upset. Other girls would come in his room whilst i was on webcam and he was out and sit at his computer. He also borrowed another girls ipod and when i said it had hurt me he'd answer in one word like it was a chore listening to me nag which made me even more hurt and frustrated. He was also so distant that he would never start an argument with me, making me feel like i was the one always losing it and never gave me a straight answer. He'd say "possibly" when he knew the answer, when i asked why he said it was to "see me go crazy". I constantly asked whether it was working and whether we should break up during these times and he always said he didn't want to. I broke up with him the week after, ironically during our break up he showed the most emotion he ever has towards me, he cried a little and shouted he loved me as i walked away.

 

Writing this out i have no idea why i stayed in this relationship but it all seemed a blur at the time and like i wasn't thinking logically. I constantly felt to blame for problems in the relationship and was always trying to redeem myself thinking it would go back to normal and sometimes felt thankful that he put up with me. I got very depressed and would have rather had him with me than be alone. There were good times few and far between that kept me clinging on also. Since then i always felt like he might have been right and i had been controlling, unstable or crazy which led him to act like he did, and ruin our relationship. I've looked at signs of emotional abuse on the internet and thought some could be applied to me (e.g having outbursts or constantly arguing with him) I've even been struggling feeling guilty that i was emotionally abusive to him and haven't dated since, worried i might actually have these qualities. How do i get out of this mindset and move on?

Edited January 18, 2013 by Char12

[Blebly]

Listen , you sound like a decent , NORMAL person.

 

All of your "outburts" are perfectly normal and this is all coming from a guy

 

There is NOTHING wrong with you but you do seem like the "familist" type , so if you are going to look for a new relationship make sure it's going to be somthing serious and both you and your future special other talk about your priorities and make sure you will both be on the same page

 

Until then , focus on yourself , get your life straight , get some hobbies , spend some time with some friends (real ones)

[CdnClass88]

My ex of 8 years made me feel the exact same way (see post), hence why it lasted 8 years. Keep talking it out on here, with friends and family. It will confirm you aren't the one at fault, I needed that.

 

He's a jack@ss, you got a good head on your shoulders, you don't need that.

 

Chin up, you'll figure it out

[bitterruin]

Did we date the same guy or something? My ex did a lot of the same **** to me and I felt like I was the abusive one until I finally left him. Unlike you I came back to him when he begged me for two weeks. He left me after that when he met someone else. For some reason I was still crying for him back.

It wasn't until two days ago when we last spoke, after I like an idiot broke NC, when he admitted to me that he was emotionally abusive and manipulative. Hearing it from him, after hearing it from so many other people made me realize that this whole time he was the bad one, and while I was controlling and extremely jealous at time it wasn't all my fault that the relationship failed.

[yuppup]

I went through something very similar. I've been isolated from mutual friends, partially by choice because I feel humiliated for everything that's happened between me and my ex, but also because she made me out to be this huge monster. I saw a therapist a few times after the breakup, and she told me that emotionally abusive people tend to play those games of putting the guilt on the person they're screwing with. They like to make you out to be the bad guy because if you believe it that makes them more likely to believe it themselves and then they won't have to feel so guilty. Does that make sense?

 

Just know you aren't alone. Processing these things like you are now is going to continue helping you move on. Just like you said, after typing it out you wonder why you wasted so much time with a person like that.

[Char12]

Thanks for all the answers back. I'm going through periods of thinking he did twist things and i wasn't all to blame to seeing some sense in some of the things he was saying and feel like i'm at fault again. This cycle just keeps repeating. Even though so many people are saying he was wrong i still feel like i contributed.. it's like my subconcious wants me to be the one at fault and i can't snap out of it.

 

I particularly feel like i was in the wrong about issues such as:

 

-Talking repeatedly to him about how i feel neglected and that he doesn't make me feel special.

 

- Being jealous that his girl flat mates seemed to be getting more time than me

 

- Feeling like maybe i wasn't appreciative of the time's he'd talked to me.. like he said, "he didn't have to be talking to me but he was" and that i was asking for him to talk too much.

 

- Generally feeling very needy around him..

 

Every time i'm getting over him i think about these things and think that i am at fault and maybe did cause him to act like he did by expecting too much. I sometimes even get to the point where i want to ring him again and apologize for how i behaved. I feel like i've lost all my judgment and am full of self doubt. Somebody can confidently tell me how wrong he was and i just can't see it, and reel off things that i had done wrong that may have caused it, like they just don't understand. I feel like i'm going crazy and can't stop blaming myself.

[bitterruin]

I'm going through periods of thinking he did twist things and i wasn't all to blame to seeing some sense in some of the things he was saying and feel like i'm at fault again. This cycle just keeps repeating. Even though so many people are saying he was wrong i still feel like i contributed..

 

Of course you contributed, relationships are a two way street, it takes two people to build it and two to destroy it.

There's no use in ringing him and apologizing while you're still raw from the breakup, the only thing you can do now is remember what you did wrong and learn from it so that it doesn't happen in your next relationship.

[na49]

It's very easy to blame yourself when the other person isn't willing to take any responsibility for the end of the relationship. When they tell you things like "If you did this or that differently. I'd still be with you. but you didn't, so I don't want to be with you anymore. Bye"

 

Now how unfair is that? Completely! Is it really my fault that our relationship failed? Did my ex have EVERYTHING to do with the success of it, and NOTHING to do with the failure? It's bullsh*t. I'll take some of the blame, but the idea that if I did this or that differently she wouldn't have cheated on me and left is crazy! I wasn't perfect, but no one is. She certainly wasn't. So why is it my fault? Why do I have to feel guilty and feel like crap? I don't.

 

Doesn't keep me from feeling like crap at times though.