munkyboy187 Posted January 18, 2013 Posted January 18, 2013 Ok, I'll start off with as quick a history as I can. I'm 31 and my wife is 22 and we have always had a very healthy sex life for the almost two years we were together before we got married. Last June we were coming home from a trip to see my family and we both got kind of frisky while I was driving, but when we got home we were both too exhausted to finish anything. The next day she left on a trip to New Jersey so my niece could audition for American Idol. After she dropped her off she was going to stop off and stay a few days at a friends house on the other side of the state. Now this is a male friend, and someone she used to date, but he's also a good friend of mine, and I trust her completely so it really wasn't that big of a deal. When I talked to her on the phone while she was visiting him she would slip up and say things like "I had to throw my pants on and run out to the cars", and then swear she meant to say shoes. After she came back she was completely distant and didn't want to have anything to do with me physically. Her reason was that she was stressed out about out bad financial situation. Fast forward about 2 months, it's a week before out wedding and we're laying in bed talking about things and it comes out that the mutual friend she visited took her virginity, something she hadn't told either of us before. Through the course of our talk she said that she had been conflicted lately and she wasn't sure if she still had feelings for him. She suggested that he might feel the same, and that he might want to sleep with her one last time to find out. Then awhile later she suggested that she drive down there and talk to him about the whole thing because this is something she needs to do face to face. I immediately jumped to the conclusion that she wanted to sleep with him to figure out her feelings, and I was quite vocal and upset about this. She asked me if that happened would I still be here when she came back, I said no. She decided not to go, to put my mind at ease, and had the conversation over the phone with him. By now we're still not having sex, only now she's stressed over the wedding, not out finances. Fast forward to the present, we've been married five months now, we've only had sex once since she mysteriously stopped having sex, and she later admitted that she really didn't want to, she was just did it because I wanted to, and she made it very obvious she didn't want to do it. Her newest reason is that she's not interested in sex at all except for trying to have children. A side note, my wife was raped a few months before we got together, and after speaking with her aunt about the whole situation, she is now blaming that for he lack of interest, but that was over 2 years ago at this point. We had a completely normal sex life, until she visited our friend/her ex/her first. I have been known to over think things, but lately i've been more and more convinced that she had sex with him while she was visiting him, and the "one last time" conversation was her feeling out whether or not I would leave her if I found out. I can't talk to her about any of this without her bringing up the the rape in her past, which is kind of a trump card. If I say that's no excuse then i'm an insensitive ass. I'm so unbelievably depressed, and I've been considering cheating, since she clearly wants nothing to do with me. She still won't let me touch her, and I have to practically beg her for more than just a peck on the lips. I mean, this is not how the first year of marriage is supposed to go.
Mint Sauce Posted January 18, 2013 Posted January 18, 2013 You find yourself in a very painful situation. This is definitely not what early married life should be like. Trust your gut feeling, it is most often right. I think you have reasons to believe what you believe. Few people her age are actually ready to settle. My 2 cent: seek legal advice as to whether you can get an annulment based on the absence of sex. I know it hurts, but you're far too young to accept such a miserable start to your married life. Be strong, don't cheat, deal with it honestly and purposefully. 1
KraftDinner Posted January 18, 2013 Posted January 18, 2013 I heard you can get an annulment if you've been married less than a year...is that true? 1
TaraMaiden Posted January 18, 2013 Posted January 18, 2013 If we're talking UK, you can get a marriage annulled at any time after the wedding, there is no minimum period. But you have to have very definite grounds - and they may accept the lack of sex, but given that he did have intercourse with her once after the wedding (normally, you have to claim no sex at all) AND the fact they had a sex life before, may prove a stumbling block. However, if we're talking USA, you'd have to check American/individual state Law(s). 1
Author munkyboy187 Posted January 18, 2013 Author Posted January 18, 2013 I'm committed to making this work, so annulment and divorce aren't really options for me, I just don't know how to make her try too. And as a side note annulment in most US states is nearly impossible to get.
BetrayedH Posted January 18, 2013 Posted January 18, 2013 Make no mistake; it take two to make a marriage work and only one to ruin it. Your wife needs to get onboard. There are times for ultimatums. This is one of them. Unless you're ready to accept a sexless marriage, it's time for you to establish this as a marital dealbreaker. Insist upon IC (individual counseling) for her to deal with the rape issue. Insist upon MC (marriage counseling) for the both of you to come to a more reasonable position on intimacy in the marriage. This is probably the place to also address you concerns about her potential cheating (by the way, I agree with your current assessment about what happened and her weird conversation with you). She screwed him and was trying to figure out if she could be honest without you leaving her. Whatever you do, don't cheat on her. You have two ethical choices: fix the marriage or divorce her. Do NOT lie to her and keep her trapped in this marriage if you're not committed to it. 1
Ninja'sHusband Posted January 18, 2013 Posted January 18, 2013 I'm committed to making this work, so annulment and divorce aren't really options for me, I just don't know how to make her try too. And as a side note annulment in most US states is nearly impossible to get. You really can't make her do anything. There's the school of thought where you try to fulfill her other needs so she'll be more inclined, find the right times of month\day to try to seduce her, etc... but if she's hung up on someone else and isn't faithful..ugh, I'd run to be honest. It's only 5 months in. I think you'd have to be crazy to try to have kids with this woman. I was with my ex a total of 18 years (14 married), and she didn't cheat until after we'd had a kid, seven years into the marriage..and then again at 13 years when our daughter was 9. 1
Mint Sauce Posted January 18, 2013 Posted January 18, 2013 I'm committed to making this work, That's very commendable, and you deserve respect for that, but don't forget that the current situation must also in her eyes be unsustainable. If she's not actively working to get things right, like you do, there's a large likelihood she's already preparing her exit...
Author munkyboy187 Posted January 18, 2013 Author Posted January 18, 2013 Well she's already seeing an IC due to issues with her alcoholic mother, been seeing her for a few years actually. She insists that she's working on our problems, but I just dont see how it's possible to work on OUR problems ALONE. I guess more than anything else I want her to be honest with me. She just always has a new reason for not being intimate, which kind of tells me they're not the real reason, and now she has the trump card. We can't really afford for us both to see a counselor unfortunately, and she doesn't want me talking about our personal problems with anyone. I'm sure if she even found out about this post there would be hell to pay.
Mint Sauce Posted January 18, 2013 Posted January 18, 2013 and she doesn't want me talking about our personal problems with anyone. I'm sure if she even found out about this post there would be hell to pay. This is borderline abusive, and you accept that from a girl 9 years your junior? With such an age difference, I'd really expect a relationship dynamic where you lead by example. She should trust you, confide in you, even look up at you,... My impression is that of very fundamental flaws in your relationship...as much as you want to save it, I'm afraid it was broken beyond repair already before you got married... Could you not suggest going to her therapist together every other time she goes?
Betrayed&Stayed Posted January 18, 2013 Posted January 18, 2013 You're not over thinking. Your gut is telling you something; listen to it. From what you have described there are multiple red flags that are cause for alarm. These need to be addressed in order for you to have a healthy marriage. 1
2long Posted January 18, 2013 Posted January 18, 2013 Definitely dump the friend. No contact for life. You might also seriously consider cutting your losses and ending the marriage. I know it hurts, but if she can't be truthful with you about what happened (and your hunches are probably right), there's no relationship 2 save anyway. -ol' 2long
BetrayedH Posted January 18, 2013 Posted January 18, 2013 Well she's already seeing an IC due to issues with her alcoholic mother, been seeing her for a few years actually. She insists that she's working on our problems, but I just dont see how it's possible to work on OUR problems ALONE. I guess more than anything else I want her to be honest with me. She just always has a new reason for not being intimate, which kind of tells me they're not the real reason, and now she has the trump card. We can't really afford for us both to see a counselor unfortunately, and she doesn't want me talking about our personal problems with anyone. I'm sure if she even found out about this post there would be hell to pay. "Hell to pay" over an anonymous internet post? You sound like you've been married 10 years already. That's not a healthy dynamic and it's part of the problem. I'm not saying you have to "wear the pants" and all that but the truth is that a woman cannot love a man she doesn't respect and no one respects a doormat. It's early in the marriage. You need to determine and communicate your marital dealbreakers, your boundaries of what is acceptable and unacceptable behavior, and your expectations. You need to do it with confidence. Do not subjugate yourself and lose yourself or this marriage will just be a life sentence. Well, actually it won't be for life because she will eventually lose interest in you altogether and dump you. What do you need and expect from this marriage? Honesty? Intimacy? Yôu need to make it clear that if she's not up for that, she's being dropped like a hot rock. Once you communicate what you expect, give her legitimate time to process and respond. I think she will realize that she's going to have to invest time and effort to keep you. And if she's not willing to do the work, well, you know what you're dealing with. Good luck.
Bryanp Posted January 18, 2013 Posted January 18, 2013 It seems pretty obvious that she slept with the ex boyfriend before the wedding. Maybe contact the ex boyfriend and tell him you know he slept with her and see what she says. My suggestions based on: 1. She slept with the ex boyfriend right before the wedding tells you she is too immature and not committed to be in a marriage. 2. Get tested for STD's. 3. You in the honeymoon period and she will not be intimate with you. 4. She claims she does not like sex. You are in denial. Her actions show she is not committed to the marriage and has no respect for you. If you do not respect yourself then who will? You made a mistake. Move forward and look forward to meeting someone in the future who truly loves and respects you because your current wife clearly does not.
NervisPervis Posted January 18, 2013 Posted January 18, 2013 ...we have always had a very healthy sex life for the almost two years we were together before we got married. She just always has a new reason for not being intimate, which kind of tells me they're not the real reason... No, they are not the real reason. She used to like sex? Now she doesn't? And it all started after seeing an old boyfriend she told you she wants to screw again. This is going to be hard for you to understand. It won't make sense. And you won't believe me, unfortunately, but... She is just not that into you any more. There are two reasons a woman won't have sex with her husband: 1 - Low libido. 2 - Doesn't like him. From that first quote and the fact that she's horny for her old boyfriend, we'll rule out number 1. From the fact that she's all ga-ga over this new guy now, we'll say he's probably replaced you already, so number 2 is a go. I know, I know. She tells you she loves you three times a day. Women are funny that way. They don't tell you they've walked until it's too late. She will go back to him. Either now or later. Make it now. PS: I find it IMPOSSIBLE, with all of your evidence, to believe she didn't screw him while she was there.
Darren Steez Posted January 19, 2013 Posted January 19, 2013 She's just not that into you... Come on, you seem like a smart intelligent lad, but right now you're heart is ruling your head. The crystal glass has shattered into a million pieces and you're trying to do the right thing and fix it....but it can't What's most likely happened, she had sex before you got married, but already had made a big commitment she couldn't back out of for fear of shame to her family or even to you. But what happens when your heart isn't in something..she slept with OM, she loved it, suddenly sex with you is not important, she's pining for him but getting married, she's just not that into you. So fast forward now, when your heart isn't in something after a while you don't bother to pretend, it becomes tiring. She lost interest in you a long time ago and now isn't bothering to pretend or try to hide it. Understand you want to fix your marriage, but what if she cheated? What if she wants to be with him. Are you willing to live a life with no love, no joy, a life which will lead to hurt when she hooks up with OM or some other guy?
BetrayedH Posted January 19, 2013 Posted January 19, 2013 No, they are not the real reason. She used to like sex? Now she doesn't? And it all started after seeing an old boyfriend she told you she wants to screw again. This is going to be hard for you to understand. It won't make sense. And you won't believe me, unfortunately, but... She is just not that into you any more. There are two reasons a woman won't have sex with her husband: 1 - Low libido. 2 - Doesn't like him. From that first quote and the fact that she's horny for her old boyfriend, we'll rule out number 1. From the fact that she's all ga-ga over this new guy now, we'll say he's probably replaced you already, so number 2 is a go. I know, I know. She tells you she loves you three times a day. Women are funny that way. They don't tell you they've walked until it's too late. She will go back to him. Either now or later. Make it now. PS: I find it IMPOSSIBLE, with all of your evidence, to believe she didn't screw him while she was there. I'm sorry to say that I have to agree with this. Didn't have the courage to write something that would be so painful. I've had to accept that my wife simply hadn't been interested in me for years by the time I knew it. She wants to have sex; she just doesn't want to have sex with you. And now she feels trapped in a marriage she didn't have the courage to stop. She's probably hoping that you'll end the marriage for her so she doesn't have to take the blame. Denying you sex should do the trick. Sorry to be so blunt. 1
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