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Unbelievable! Very Good Friend told me she is cheating on her Husband..

ComingInHot

By ComingInHot
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Spark1111 Established Member

Spark1111

Posted
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Or, like you I support the D, do not want to hear too much about the newest bf, but I always make it a point to ask about those two young men, even if it orients her focus from her dating life to parenting for about 5 minutes.

 

At least it's something.

 

And I think you may see the same patterns of behavior in your friend. I hope not.

  • Like 1
Ninja'sHusband Established Member

Ninja'sHusband

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GOD, in HIS infinite irony, while I was reeling from DDAY, had one of my employees chuck a long-term marriage. They had two sons, late teens and early twenties.

 

She was making good money, and the more secure she felt financially, the more she started to complain about her H, who seemed like a nice guy. (I have seen this over and over with women in the workplace who reach a certain level of income, by the way).

 

She meets a....ahem...separated MM who is powerful, intelligent, and prestigious and floats away into affairyland, tells her H she wants a divorce, and is NEVER home again.

 

Her sons were devastated and so upset with her. It does not MATTER the age of your children. She began to bring the MM around her sons as if they would be one big happy family. I think, she too used the word "resilient."

 

They hated him. They hated her. She was so self-absorbed she had NO CLUE how to parent them through divorce. She grew angry THEY were not happy FOR her, and when she sensed their pain and depression, she either ignored it...or grew UPSET with them!

 

Their father grew extremely depressed and was under the covers in his apartment, so he was no support. The boys are adrift, emotionally, financially, with no clear way or ADULT support to reach their goals.

 

She is oblivious and FEELS she deserves to be happy! The MM? He dumped her, divorced his wife and married the NEXT woman he bumped into who knew nothing of his philandering ways. My employee was not the only woman he was...ahem...seeing. She has been through a slew of men, many of them real losers.

 

The boys? My heart breaks for them. It really does.

 

CIH, I applaud you. But I wouldn't bail completely. if your friend is in affairyland, her children will be neglected, at least for a while. If you do talk with her, make sure you get her on board to help, I mean REALLY help those kids adjust to all that awaits them.

 

 

I agree, in this situation age does not matter.

 

Again I think in general, age and the specific situation have to be taken into account. Here the situation is that CIH is a third party. Maybe the father should tell in this case, especially since she's leaving for this other person. It will be kind of obvious, especially if the kids are older. But that's not CIH's job.

 

In my case my ex did not end up with the OMM and my DD at the time didn't even know what sex was yet(she does now btw)...I feel it's completely unnecessary and counterproductive to tell her at this point. Then my WW would start chiming about all the complaints against me. What then? What a mess. Maybe when she's older and has a desire to understand better what happened to her parents. Definitely before she starts considering a new life partner. She needs to learn from what happened to us. Just not this second before she's even considered dating.

Spark1111 Established Member

Spark1111

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I agree, in this situation age does not matter.

 

Again I think in general, age and the specific situation have to be taken into account. Here the situation is that CIH is a third party. Maybe the father should tell in this case, especially since she's leaving for this other person. It will be kind of obvious, especially if the kids are older. But that's not CIH's job.

 

In my case my ex did not end up with the OMM and my DD at the time didn't even know what sex was yet(she does now btw)...I feel it's completely unnecessary and counterproductive to tell her at this point. Then my WW would start chiming about all the complaints against me. What then? What a mess. Maybe when she's older and has a desire to understand better what happened to her parents. Definitely before she starts considering a new life partner. She needs to learn from what happened to us. Just not this second before she's even considered dating.

 

Oh no, I'm NOT advocating telling them. I just wanted to point out to CIH that while mom waltzes away oh so happy in affairyland. the children will need more support as they deal with the divorce.

 

If CIH does have conversation with her friend, I ask her to keep redirecting the conversation to the kids and how THEY are doing?

  • Like 5
Darth Vader Established Member

Darth Vader

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SOOoooo...

My friend has called me a couple times and I didn't take her first calls. I just needed to be in a better place to speak with her with love.

 

And by the way, she hardly Ever calls, ever. Normally it's me maintaining the friendship.

 

Anyway, I took her call yesterday morning and it was the first time we spoke since the three way conversation with her husband. She was upset because when she finally handed her husband the divorce papers he got up and left for a week.

When he returned, he wouldn't speak to her. Then he went ahead and Told their children that their Mom was divorcing him. Apparently, it was agreed that they would do this together, so she felt a little "betrayed" (for lack of a better term).

I explained the best I could from what I surmise, was the "picture" of an amicable divorce and we all live happily ever after that she had envisioned compared with the reality of her situation and the feelings of her betrayed husband.

I Think she is trying to understand that but is so caught up in herself, the A and encroaching "freedom" that she is actually "irked" that things aren't proceeding how she wants.

She has talked to her kids but they don't know of the A. They are understandably devastated and I got "harsh" w/her and told her now was the time to step up as a Mother and be on top of the emotional rollercoaster the D was going put them through.

It kind of bothered me that she sounded almost light-hearted about the impact that the D would have on the kids. "oh, I'm watching. We're talking when they bring it up. They'll be fine. kids are resilient etc..."

 

She stated she just wanted the support of her BFF (that would be me). I told her firmly that I DID support her D but I could Not in anyway support her A. I EVEN used Pierre's explanation that she was on a chemical "high" from the A like a crack high. She agreed wholeheartedly but I think missed the point.

So, I just finished it saying, I would be happy to be a sound-board and support for her through the D BUT do NOT talk to me about this "man" who is enabling her to cheat. (Oh ya, & who has cheated w/other MW before!!)

She said no problem and that was that.

 

I just don't understand how I could be of any help or support to her if I am supposed to be true to myself. I honestly think I "botched" the entire conversation with her yesterday and feel awful.

 

 

Nah, she's the one who's "Botched"! At any rate, just be prepared to hear about her crashing and burning when Mr. Wonderful doesn't work out for her and her ass is drop kicked by both her STBXH and her OM! Because when it doesn't work out with the OM, she may go running back to her husband, or Ex-husband.

 

I'm surprised her husband didn't tell the children of their mother's affair! However, I think her husband told them about the D just to get back at her, perhaps for the affair.

 

Oh, I think it may be better to let her call you for a while, after all, if she really a friend, she should be initiating contact as well, not just you (I've experienced that before as well).

  • Like 1
Darth Vader Established Member

Darth Vader

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Decision made;

 

Thanks for letting me bounce this off you all. All comments greatly appreciated!

 

Ya so, I've decided I'm out on this action. I am Not going Any further. This is a monster fuster cluck and I don't think I want to some beacon of sanity which would be a total farse. Because I'm totally INSANE!! :laugh: at least I would be to even go one step closer to either one of them.

 

Guiltily I feel pretty good about my decision. And road... please don't be disappointed in me**

 

 

I agree! COMPLETELY INSANE! I can see it in your eyes!:p:lmao:;) J/K!

 

BTW, don't you mean monster cluster fuc.... Well... I think we all know what you mean!;)

 

Um, one question, how does one get that in a cluster form?:confused::lmao:

BetrayedH Established Member

BetrayedH

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Um, one question, how does one get that in a cluster form?:confused::lmao:

 

Dude, she's that good.

Darth Vader Established Member

Darth Vader

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Dude, she's that good.

 

 

Really? I didn't know CIH was that good!:bunny: DAMN! She's married!:mad::pBTW, how would you know she's that good?!?:confused:

Edited by Darth Vader
BetrayedH Established Member

BetrayedH

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Really? I didn't know CIH was that good!:bunny: DAMN! She's married!:mad::pBTW, how would you know she's that good?!?:confused:

 

You can see it in the eyes.

Darth Vader Established Member

Darth Vader

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You can see it in the eyes.

 

 

Hmmm, well, if she wasn't married, I'd say I'd have to get me some of that!;)

 

Which brings me to another point, why in the hell would her husband cheat on her, especially if she looks like that?!

 

Men would kill for her!:cool::love:

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ComingInHot Established Member

ComingInHot

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Alright, knock it off already* I could have a nose like a tucan for all anyone knows or anything else.

 

And it just goes to show that when a man (or woman) cheats, they don't necessarily trade up for the venture...

 

So, on vacation w/heinous cold. Ugh.

 

No phone call from friend and I'm at peace w/it. If she does call & I answer, it will be all about her children. Good advise!!

Darth Vader Established Member

Darth Vader

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Alright, knock it off already* I could have a nose like a tucan for all anyone knows or anything else.

 

And it just goes to show that when a man (or woman) cheats, they don't necessarily trade up for the venture...

 

So, on vacation w/heinous cold. Ugh.

 

No phone call from friend and I'm at peace w/it. If she does call & I answer, it will be all about her children. Good advise!!

 

 

Then again, you might not! But, ok.:cool:

  • Like 1
BetrayedH Established Member

BetrayedH

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Alright, knock it off already* I could have a nose like a tucan for all anyone knows or anything else.

 

Big wart on your nose and black, broken teeth is my guess. ;)

 

No phone call from friend and I'm at peace w/it. If she does call & I answer, it will be all about her children. Good advise!!

 

Yep, as usual, it's a smart idea to listen to Spark. Damn irritating that she's right all the time if you ask me.

delighted_delilah Member

delighted_delilah

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Well, hell. I guess it depends on how smart they really are?

 

:eek:

 

All seriousness aside, it's just been my experience that kids can't be kept in the dark for long. They'll either realize what's going on themselves - perhaps "helped" by the cheating parent's carelessness - or the parents will feel bad because the kids think their parents are breaking up because of something they're doing or not doing, and they'll 'fess out.

 

-ol' 2long

 

I am baffled at the notion that anyone here really thinks that it's appropriate to cause damage to a child's relationship with his/her parent because a marriage died, for whatever reason. It is completely possible to tell your children that your marriage is over because Mom and Dad are no longer in love, and not for any reason relating to behaviour of the kids.

Telling the children that Mom or Dad had an affair serves no purpose other than a selfish desire to be perceived as the 'good guy' or 'victim' in the situation, and make the WS out to be the 'bad guy'. Anyone who could be so incredibly selfish, well, I would begin to understand why their spouse might stray. It's not about adults, it is about the kids. Pretty basic; Parenting 101 really.

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ComingInHot Established Member

ComingInHot

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Actually, the when how to tell/what to tell kids would make a good thread topic. Whether cheating is involved or not...

 

 

 

note: my father is a dentist* lol

 

And I'm a drippy, snotty, congested mess! Water park here we come!!*

road Established Member

road

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Alright, knock it off already* I could have a nose like a tucan for all anyone knows or anything else.

 

And it just goes to show that when a man (or woman) cheats, they don't necessarily trade up for the venture...

 

So, on vacation w/heinous cold. Ugh.

 

No phone call from friend and I'm at peace w/it. If she does call & I answer, it will be all about her children. Good advise!!

 

 

If you cared about her children then you need to tell the BH that he needs to tell his kids: mom's and dad's when married do not have BF/GF's. Well move has a BF, OM/insert OM name, and mom is dating OM.

 

What mom is doing is known as having an affair and cheating.

 

This is mom and dad are getting a divorce.

 

This is classic exposure that must be done by the BH regardless if he wants to divorce or save his marraige.

 

CIH, the size of your nose will only get bigger if you keep this truth from the BH.

BetrayedH Established Member

BetrayedH

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I am baffled at the notion that anyone here really thinks that it's appropriate to cause damage to a child's relationship with his/her parent because a marriage died, for whatever reason. It is completely possible to tell your children that your marriage is over because Mom and Dad are no longer in love, and not for any reason relating to behaviour of the kids.

Telling the children that Mom or Dad had an affair serves no purpose other than a selfish desire to be perceived as the 'good guy' or 'victim' in the situation, and make the WS out to be the 'bad guy'. Anyone who could be so incredibly selfish, well, I would begin to understand why their spouse might stray. It's not about adults, it is about the kids. Pretty basic; Parenting 101 really.

 

Some people believe that being honest with your children is leading by example. They would say it's pretty basic; Parenting 101 really.

 

For the record, I'm one that hasn't told my kids. I just won't judge those that do. It's a highly personal decision. In this case, it's one for the parents only and not CIH, and she seems to agree. Seems kinda OT at this point actually.

  • Like 4
road Established Member

road

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In this case, it's one for the parents only and not CIH, and she seems to agree. Seems kinda OT at this point actually.

 

 

I agree it is not for CIH to tell those kids.

 

It is for CIH to tell the BH that he needs to tell his kids.

 

Children always think the marriage ended because of problems. Then they kids run with what problems. Mom and dad are stressed. What is causing all the stress in the family.

 

Left in the dark about the truth all a child can do is assume I know from time to time my parents yell at me. I must be casuing all this stress. Only if I was not bad my parents would not get a divorce. My family would not be broken.

 

Telling kids that mom/dad has a BF/GF and that married people do not go on dates. That mom has a BF and is going on dates is nothing but being honest and placing the responsibility for the problems on the WW.

 

This part of telling the kids is an important part of exposure. Leaving out parts of exposure makes exposure less effective.

 

Telling the kids has woken some WW's out of their fog and end the affair.

  • Like 1
road Established Member

road

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Some people believe that being honest with your children is leading by example.

 

 

Yes the opportunity to teach a child how to rug sweep and be a doormat and let a WS have no consequences for having an affair or how to be a man and not take being cheated on lying down.

BetrayedH Established Member

BetrayedH

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Yes the opportunity to teach a child how to rug sweep and be a doormat and let a WS have no consequences for having an affair or how to be a man and not take being cheated on lying down.

 

Fortunately, I have time to teach my kids such lessons. At the moment, I'm glad my kids have but one view of rugs, brooms, and doormats. I'm more focused on getting the training wheels off her pink bicycle. One thing is for certain, when my kids learn from me what a wayward spouse is and how to deal with it, it won't be coming from an emotional POV but a well-considered one.

 

You may have a point that this level of exposure might further deter an existing affair but using the kids in such a fashion gives me pause, as I think it should. Unless I die in the near future, I have a long time to teach my kids about relationships, marriage, betrayal, and the like. That's not to say that they aren't quietly influenced already today. And knowing the relationship I have with my kids, I trust that they will respect my hesitation to expose them to all that at a young age and perhaps even see some wisdom in it. I dare say they might even respect me more for how I've handled it (with a few notable exceptions about which I will also come clean).

 

Again, I think these decisions are highly personal and that this is one area where the individual circumstances can really drive the decision about if/when to expose to the kids. Some have little choice; they either do it now or someone else will be the one to expose. Or one kid knows and the others don't (not an optimal situation to have one hiding secrets from the others). An active affair could also be a factor (whereas in my situation exposure won't stop anything). I think there are a lot of variables and so, again, I won't be quick to judge anyone for the decision that they make. But I can say for certain that one recent example made me sick and that was a BS telling his kids that he was getting a divorce because mommy was a whore. That's an emotional response that puts himself before his children. If you want to talk about kids blaming themselves, there's plenty of research to show that children identify themselves from their parents. Disparage a kid's parent in front of them and watch how they they internalize it and experience self-shame; that parent is half of who they are. They think less of themselves as a result. It's not something I will do lightly.

 

Nice job combining several insults into one short post, though. Man, I am teaching rugsweeping, how to be a doormat, lying down, no consequences, and being less of a man - all before breakfast. Too bad you couldn't squeeze in bitter, naive, and cuckold.

  • Like 2
BetrayedH Established Member

BetrayedH

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Actually, CIH told her friend to tell her husband. She then helped her friend to facilitate that conversation, which is much more than many people would do.

I don't think CIH has to, or needs to tell anyone else anything about this situation and to imply that it is her responsibility to tell her her friends husband how he should parent his children is ridiculous.

 

I think she was a good friend to someone who put her in a crappy position and that she should be pleased with herself for staying true to her values and comfortable with her decision to now stay out of it, and it's not a very nice thing to do to try and make her feel bad for not doing even more.

 

Very few people would do what she did, it was a hard choice and it was never shoudl have been her responsibility in the first place.

 

What she said.

2long Established Member

2long

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It is completely possible to tell your children that your marriage is over because Mom and Dad are no longer in love,

 

From this statement alone, I can see that you - like most so-called adults - have no idea what love is or isn't.

 

and not for any reason relating to behaviour of the kids.

 

Obviously the marriage isn't ending because of the kids. But the kids will wonder what they might have done 2 cause it, regardless.

 

Telling the children that Mom or Dad had an affair serves no purpose other than a selfish desire to be perceived as the 'good guy' or 'victim' in the situation, and make the WS out to be the 'bad guy'.

 

These are often motivators, yes. Especially among people who think that "following your heart" by sacrificing everything and everyone for the feeling of being in love is the purpose of living. As for who's the good guy or the bad guy in an affair, I don't think I need say more - if the foo s***s, wear it.

 

Anyone who could be so incredibly selfish, well, I would begin to understand why their spouse might stray. It's not about adults, it is about the kids. Pretty basic; Parenting 101 really.

 

Telling the truth doesn't cause harm and isn't selfish. Keeping dirty secrets is.

 

-ol' 2long

anna121 Established Member

anna121

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Telling the kids is core Marriage Builders. It is controversial, to put it mildly.

 

Its not CIH's place to "coach" her friend's husband in how to respond to the affair.

 

ETA: In fact, MB would discourage CIH, a married woman, from talking directly to her friend's husband about something so personal. Cause it certainly wouldn't be one convo that would be enough to get the H to do something that lots of people would think is v radical. Road should know that and is IMO just trying to further browbeat CIH into taking a hardline MB position.

 

Can't have it both ways, Road.

Edited by anna121
  • Like 1
Act Two Established Member

Act Two

Posted
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But I can say for certain that one recent example made me sick and that was a BS telling his kids that he was getting a divorce because mommy was a whore. That's an emotional response that puts himself before his children. If you want to talk about kids blaming themselves, there's plenty of research to show that children identify themselves from their parents. Disparage a kid's parent in front of them and watch how they they internalize it and experience self-shame; that parent is half of who they are. They think less of themselves as a result. It's not something I will do lightly.

 

Nice job combining several insults into one short post, though. Man, I am teaching rugsweeping, how to be a doormat, lying down, no consequences, and being less of a man - all before breakfast. Too bad you couldn't squeeze in bitter, naive, and cuckold.

 

I agree with this. I think a lot of this boils down to intent and motivation. Are you telling the kids because of your own hurt and betrayal and to vent, or are you telling them what's completely in their best interest?

 

How can a parent be faulted for keeping the adult stuff with the adults so that the child can see that the parents demonstrate some respect for each other?

 

Take this story for what it's worth. One thing I did learn from exOM was based on his mistake. He was a BS before he met me (divorced before we met), and he really threw his ex wife under the bus. He was bitter and really did a lot of damage in what he said to his children, pre-teens at the time, about his ex.

 

His kids came to resent him, as they saw that he was trying to vilify her for his own gain. When he stopped putting her down and talking about what she did, then he was able to repair his relationship with his own kids. They loved their mother no matter what happened between her and their dad, and they wanted to love her. They could see right through his attempts to be the "better parent."

 

Exposure to try to snap someone out of a fog, I can see, but if a divorce is happening anyway, tread cautiously anyway and watch the intent. Will this bring more harm or help to the children?

 

I also really don't see the jump between telling your kids all of the reasons for marital failure to them blaming themselves.

  • Like 1
Spark1111 Established Member

Spark1111

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I think children need reassurances that they are loved, supported and NOT the cause.

 

THEN, they need things to stay as stable and child-oriented as possible.

 

The most recent studies show it is the degree of acrimony in either the marriage or the divorce that most affects kids.

 

They could give a whit about your personal romantic happiness, the lack thereof or what or who caused your misery.

 

As long as you treat each other with kindness and respect in front of or in earshot of your kids, they will be fine. Fake it until you make it.

 

Disparaging a parent by the other parent is a form of abuse now, and parents are starting to lose custody for it.

 

No venting, bad-mouthing, ever.

  • Like 1
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ComingInHot Established Member

ComingInHot

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Let me start w/... road, time to put'r in reverse pal. I made my decision. I will not waiver. You can say what you like and I'm good w/that. Heck it was You who brought up the topic of telling in the first place which I did heed and was able to really help my friends w/that.

So thanks.

But let's not get snippy cause I'm good w/where I'm at w/being true to myself and my friend and her husband. :D

 

I am waiting for her to call me. I think it would be innapropriate as well as none of my business to call him.

 

I haven't quite decided if I tell my own children now or when divorce is final and if their kids call mine, that would be a conversation starter... It would be the first D for my kids through friends so close.

 

How about suggestions on that?? :D

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