IanS Posted January 18, 2013 Posted January 18, 2013 (edited) Please help me out here, give me some insight. A couple of days ago I went out on a date with a girl I met on OKC and I liked her (We're both 34). We walked her dog around the neighborhood. The conversation was very easy but I wouldn't say either of us gave any signs that we were very romantically interested. It was casual and friendly but not flirtatious. After the date, I texted her that I had a good time. Two hours later she texted me "Nice! Did you look up the burrowing owl?". She's an environmental lawyer and was telling me about this owl she helps protect. An hour later I wrote that I was in band practice and hadn't checked it out yet. The next day neither of us texted each other. Today I wrote her "Checked out the Burrowing owl. It's a fine Specimen! Wanna go to the zoo with me on Sunday?" 4 hours later she finally responds: "I'm in SF this weekend so can't go to the zoo, although that's an awesome idea! I've attached a picture of a small but magnetic rabbit I saw today in Griffith Park". So.... is this girl interested or is it a lost cause? The fact that she took so long to text back and that she didn't offer an alternative time to go to the zoo leads me to believe that she really doesn't want to continue to see me. The last 7 out of 8 OKC dates I've been on I've liked the girl and ultimately the feelings have not been reciprocal, so I'm getting kind of dejected here. That and I'm also being more careful about pursuing and getting invested in people that might not like me back. What's my next move? What do you think? Thank you very much in advance. Edited January 18, 2013 by IanS
veggirl Posted January 18, 2013 Posted January 18, 2013 Yes she is interested. CALL her and ask her when she is back in town and ask for a date to the zoo for a couple days later. also in the future, try to set up date 2 at the end of date 1. 3
charlietheginger Posted January 18, 2013 Posted January 18, 2013 Sounds like she is outta town. Dont jump the Gun to fast or brush her off. If you call or seem To overbearing she might think clingy. Dont brush Her off ether. Simply let her do what she is doing And see who she is seeing outta town. No 4hours is not along time. People have lives Work school family Dont be impatient. Id keep it at Text and maybe a brief call if she says ok during text. Not that its your business but she might be visiting A guy this weekend. The plans whatever they are were Made before she met you. So be cool be calm i think You gonna get a better feel when she gets back in town. But if you start talking for along time just go with it.
charlietheginger Posted January 18, 2013 Posted January 18, 2013 I have no idea why my post look all weird. On my Phone i type and then goto the next line but when The message shows up on the forum the words are Chopped up and spaced funny.
thatone Posted January 18, 2013 Posted January 18, 2013 4 hours isn't long, ask her when she'll be back and if she wants to meet up again. If you get anything but "yes" cast another line.
veggirl Posted January 18, 2013 Posted January 18, 2013 I have no idea why my post look all weird. On my Phone i type and then goto the next line but when The message shows up on the forum the words are Chopped up and spaced funny. umm honey all your posts look the same. like song lyrics. no need to apologize, that one looked like all the others lol. we are used to it!
Author IanS Posted January 18, 2013 Author Posted January 18, 2013 Thanks for all of your responses! So update: About an hour after her last text (Where she included a picture of a metal rabbit she saw in the park today) I wrote her back: "I like the rabbit! Not to one-up you, but check out the wildlife I observed on my sojourn across the forests of Nepal this Morning." and included a picture of my roommates plush tigers next to some Nachos. She hasn't written back yet (It's been about an hour). Was that a bad move? Just trying to keep things light and funny.
thatone Posted January 18, 2013 Posted January 18, 2013 You are over thinking, stop doing that. Maybe she doesn't like to text, maybe she's on the phone with her mother, maybe she's busy with work. There are a million maybes and we don't know which is the right one any more than you do. Ask her out again, if you get a "yes" stay in touch, if not, go away and find another one. Simple as that. You've been on ONE date, nothing more. Over thinking and over analyzing comes off as insecure and lacking in confidence. Relax, there's nothing more to do until you meet up with her again (or not).
NateC Posted January 18, 2013 Posted January 18, 2013 You are over thinking, stop doing that. Maybe she doesn't like to text, maybe she's on the phone with her mother, maybe she's busy with work. There are a million maybes and we don't know which is the right one any more than you do. Ask her out again, if you get a "yes" stay in touch, if not, go away and find another one. Simple as that. You've been on ONE date, nothing more. Over thinking and over analyzing comes off as insecure and lacking in confidence. Relax, there's nothing more to do until you meet up with her again (or not). Very much this. Overthinking can be poison to the beginnings of anything. Go along with it and don't worry if she's interested or not - if she's not at least curious about getting to know you more she wouldn't be talking to you after the first date.
Author IanS Posted January 18, 2013 Author Posted January 18, 2013 (edited) I agree. As far as she knows I'm not over analyzing. I'm doing that here, I guess, to get it out of my system and not appear too eager. Again, I'm a bit worried because I've had so much failure in online dating. In my original post I mentioned that out of the last 7 girls I've dated online, I've liked 6 and not one of them ever materialized into something meaningful or long term. First Girl: Met up. Really liked her. Asked her out again and she said she was "sort of seeing someone" and "we should be friends". Second Girl: Really liked her. Made out right after dinner. Dated for 3 weeks. Was very slow to text back or engage me. After three weeks sent me an email breaking it off because she (supposedly) wanted someone with a more established career. Third Girl: REALLY liked her. Went on a date that lasted 7 hours! Was very wishy-washy and slow to text back when I invited her on another date. Tried again, same response. Fourth Girl: Liked Her. Went on a short date. She was very distant then texted me right afterwards. In the ensuing weeks we occasionally texted each other. Finally dated again over a month later with the same tepid results. Fifth Girl: Really Liked Her. Had great rapport before the date. Went on the date. Made out at the end of the date. She spent the night at my house. No Sex. Saw her again 5 days later. Had (what I thought was good) sex. After that, she withdrew. I called her to confirm my fears and, yes, she no longer was interested. Sixth Girl: Didn't really like her. Feeling must've been mutual because I never heard from her. Seventh Girl: The girl we're talking about now. At any rate, you could see why I would have my trepidations. What gives? When and how should I ask her out again? Thanks again. Edited January 18, 2013 by IanS
SunsetRed Posted January 18, 2013 Posted January 18, 2013 I don't think she's rejecting you. It sounds like she just wants to keep it light and friendly to see if you two can naturally build a connection and have chemistry. You seem like a nice person, because you are keeping your conversations focused on potential interests and activities for you two to do together. That's the way online dating should be. Too many people are expecting way too much from a first meet/date w a stranger they met online. Keep doing what you're doing and think positive. I hope this works out for you.
SunsetRed Posted January 18, 2013 Posted January 18, 2013 BTW, don't let anxiety ruin this for you. Take some deep breaths and be patient. Don't worry about how quickly someone texts you back. Some people don't walk around w their phone attached to them. some people have jobs that mandate they turn their phone off while at work. Think positive, take one day at a time and don't scare someone off by letting them know you worry about how long it takes for them to call/text you.
Author IanS Posted January 18, 2013 Author Posted January 18, 2013 (edited) Ok, good point. I will call her. The question is when? Should I wait until after the weekend since she'll be in SF? I just feel like my approach so far is failing. Also, I have a sinking feeling that it will go to voice mail and that will be the end of our interaction.... It isn't so much that my ego is bruised or that I'm experiencing anxiety, it's just that I've used this approach on the last handful of girls I dated (see my earlier post) to no avail. By "approach I mean", go out on a date, keep things light and fun, eventually ask for another date while their interest in me seems to gradually (or instantly) diminish. I've read a lot of rhetoric about "Alpha Males" on this forum and I don't think that I am one and I'm concerned that just being sweet and suggesting fun outings is causing these women to not want me romantically and frankly I'm getting pretty dejected. I've endured A LOT of rejection in the last couple of months and I think I've handled it pretty gracefully. After being rejected, I haven't behaved vindictively or said snarky things to these woman. I simply say something to the effect of "I understand. I've enjoyed our time together and wish you the best". Sunset Red, I appreciate the supportive post but my concern is that being nice and trying to find common interests isn't getting the results that I want and it's hard not to see a pattern forming. There is that famous quote about doing the same thing and expecting different results... Again, I'm not seeking sympathy, just thoughts on how I can improve my (for lack of a better word) "technique". I'm just trying to find someone that I like and am attracted to to spend time with and for us to ultimately enjoy each other. Edited January 18, 2013 by IanS
StanMusial Posted January 18, 2013 Posted January 18, 2013 At least you are getting dates, that is half the battle. I heard that if you can get a date from OKCupid or POF you need to go ahead and try to get sex right away because the girl is just going to bounce to the next one in a couple of days. Maybe you should speed things up a little bit.
Author IanS Posted January 18, 2013 Author Posted January 18, 2013 No offense taken Gnu. I really appreciate your responses. I am going to call her, but I'll probably hold off until next week. Stan, I am getting dates on OKC but I'm actually really liking most of these girls and they ALL are losing interest fast. I actually did have sex with one and then she quickly dropped me. I really liked her! Was it worth it? No. One sexual encounter isn't worth the heartbreak of rejection. I'm not trying to have a pity party here. I'm just looking for ways to turn these dates into something more long lasting and meaningful. I'm not really super into casual sex or trying to get notches on my belt. Frankly, having sex with someone the first time isn't that great usually. It take a while to calibrate to each other (in my opinion). Is it possible that the girls on online dating are so overwhelmed with attention that they never settle for a guy?
StanMusial Posted January 18, 2013 Posted January 18, 2013 No offense taken Gnu. I really appreciate your responses. I am going to call her, but I'll probably hold off until next week. Stan, I am getting dates on OKC but I'm actually really liking most of these girls and they ALL are losing interest fast. I actually did have sex with one and then she quickly dropped me. I really liked her! Was it worth it? No. One sexual encounter isn't worth the heartbreak of rejection. I'm not trying to have a pity party here. I'm just looking for ways to turn these dates into something more long lasting and meaningful. I'm not really super into casual sex or trying to get notches on my belt. Frankly, having sex with someone the first time isn't that great usually. It take a while to calibrate to each other (in my opinion). Is it possible that the girls on online dating are so overwhelmed with attention that they never settle for a guy? I'm the same way. I'm more of a relationship guy as opposed to sleeping around. I don't think OLD is really the way to find what you are looking for. I had 0 luck with it. I think I like meeting girls through acquaintances because they are vetted to some degree and you can move at the pace you want. There is more at stake because people are vouching for you and your character. I know a girl who is on almost every site you can imagine, she bounces from guy to guy. She pretty much told me that you have to pounce on the girl and move fast because she is being bombarded by interest.
EasyHeart Posted January 18, 2013 Posted January 18, 2013 I don't really see what the problem is. Is 4 hours really a "long" time to respond to a text message? Yeesh. Not everyone stares at their phone all day waiting for a text. (And anyone who does is by definition undateable). You asked her to the zoo and she said it was a great idea, but she was out of town. How much nicer could she be? Call her next week and say, "So how about that trip to the zoo?" She's making it easy for you.
FitChick Posted January 18, 2013 Posted January 18, 2013 If she was your long time girlfriend maybe you could expect quick replies. She is basically a stranger.
jlindemann Posted January 18, 2013 Posted January 18, 2013 You're not in a relationship, and even then, expecting an immediate response to a text is unreasonable. 2 hours or 4 hours isn't too long to receive a response. You also have to look at it from her perspective...she doesn't want to appear overbearing or needy. Plus, if she texted you back within minutes of your text, would you be here wondering if she's obsessing over you already? In the beginning of my relationship, I wouldn't text back right away all of the time. Sometimes I was busy, not near my phone, or just wanted to set a presedence that I wasn't always "available" to him. It worked for both of us. Sometimes I'd wait a few hours for HIM to text me back. I dont know if he was busy or just didn't feel like talking, or if he wanted to make sure he set the presedence with me that HE wasn't always available to me either. I think you're good to go by asking for another date, maybe put the ball into her court by telling her to get ahold of you when she's back in town.
DC4 Posted January 18, 2013 Posted January 18, 2013 umm honey all your posts look the same. like song lyrics. no need to apologize, that one looked like all the others lol. we are used to it! I always wondered if he was writing in iambic pentameter or something
weee111 Posted January 19, 2013 Posted January 19, 2013 It's not a big deal, just text her when she gets back and ask how trip was (don't keep bothering her this weekend). If she wasn't interested she probably wouldn't be replying at all...and if she did, she most certainly wouldn't be attaching pictures of random animals she saw throughout the day...
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