sotoman Posted January 18, 2013 Posted January 18, 2013 my girlfriend of several years broke up with me, due to combat related PTSD about 2 months ago. ive been going to therapy at the VA, and am doing MUCH better. im not lying when i say i feel like a new man. ive been getting nothing but mixed signals from her, confusing me. i dont know if shes serious about the breakup, or if shes just hurt and needs time to sort herself out... ive been having dreams about her, and im really getting sick of always being in pain. all the mixed signals have been driving me nuts! (half her stuff is in my place, the texts and calls, her asking how i am, asking me to lunch, etc.) i feel that she either needs to take me back or let me go! so heres what happened today: i woke up from a bad dream about her (again), and i texted her that she needs to call me. (its been 6 days NC.) the reason is this: i need her to get her stuff out of my apartment! having it all around me staring at me isnt helping at all. im so tired of hurting when i see it around. the other reason is that a friend of mine from the army will be in town late next week. She is a female, but only a friend. so heres how the phone call went. she called, and asked how i am, said i sound sick, and offered to take me food and medicine. (i am kinda sick, a cold or something.) she asked if i went to my appointment for the PTSD counseling yesterday. i said no, cuz i was sick. they rescheduled it for next week. then she said that i need to take care of myself, and asked about the job interview i had a while back. i then asked if she could come get the rest of her stuff, and she said 'yeah'. she asked what my work schedule was like for next week. i said that a friend from the army will be in town for some army stuff nearby, so i dont know what my schedule will be. I told her that my army friend will be wanting to hang out, since we havent seen each other in ages. (i used the word 'she' when referring to my army friend, im sure my ex knows my friend is a female). then my ex abruptly said that she will be over tomorrow directly after her work to get her stuff. i thought that was odd how she said it. then she said kind of angrily, 'maybe she can take you to the doctor if youre still sick'. i said that i regret her not giving me a second chance, since my therapy is making me such a different person, and then i said goodbye. heres whats driving me nuts--- 1. all the mixed signals. was she just taking a break for us? all the calling, having her things at my place, etc. or is she serious about it being the end forever? or is she confused? 2. if shes serious about the breakup forever, then why did she act mad when i told her about my friend? -my other friend said that either one of two things will happen: she will either get her things and disappear forever, or she will show up at my door crying, trying to get me back (shes done this before, when we broke up a few years ago). my friend also says that my ex is probably waiting for me to show that ive really changed before she gives me another chance, and is confused. my friend also says that now that theres competition, my ex wont want to let me go (a female thing?). all i want is to not be played with anymore! i still love her very very much and want nothing more than to start a new relationship with her, one that will be much healthier than the last. but she keeps saying she cant. so if she cant be with me, then i want her gone! LET ME HEAL! i know that im doing something to protect myself and heal, but i feel like CRAP for telling her about my friend! i regret telling her. i feel like im going to lose her forever now, and part of me knows it needs to heppen. but another part wants to call her back right now, even tho it will accomplish nothing. shes been giving me different reasons each time ive asked why she cant be with me (which i think is odd) im lost and dont know what to do next. any advice or input would be greatly appreciated! thanks for reading.
wahine Posted January 18, 2013 Posted January 18, 2013 I want to start off by letting you know how much respect I have for you and your ex for fighting for your country. Thank you. Now, let's begin... "i know that im doing something to protect myself and heal, but i feel like CRAP for telling her about my friend! i regret telling her. i feel like im going to lose her forever now, and part of me knows it needs to heppen. but another part wants to call her back right now, even tho it will accomplish nothing. shes been giving me different reasons each time ive asked why she cant be with me (which i think is odd)." If you're really going to lose her forever for mentioning that a female friend is visiting after she broke up with you, she wasn't yours to begin with. PTSD can really mess with people (as I'm sure you're well aware), but that does not give her the right to have it both ways. If you're broken up, you're broken up, that's it. From the way it sounds, I think you two may have a future together someday, considering how much you really love her (and assuming she really loves you). But I don't think that either of you are in the right place, mentally and emotionally, to be with each other right now. And the longer you're in the wrong relationship at the wrong time, the less likely it is to succeed in the long run. This may feel awful, but if I were in your position, I would want to set this up in a way to decrease long-term recovery time for the both of you as much as possible. So, I would ask her when the best time would be for her to stop by and pick up her stuff, arrange a specific time, and leave it all in boxes right outside your door 5 minutes prior, so there's no interaction between the two of you, and no quick decisions based on the wrong emotions popping up at the wrong time, because giving their stuff back always sucks. It also sounds like you know from experience that she's going to be crying and wanting you back, whether that's best for both of you or not. Hope this helps, and good luck with whatever you ultimately decide to do.
Author sotoman Posted January 18, 2013 Author Posted January 18, 2013 thanks so much for your input wahine! yes that last time a few years ago, she did show up crying and said that she always thought id be in her life, etc etc. but i dont think she will do that this time. something tells me this. of course, women are super hard to understand, and she may surprise me. ive asked her to go to counseling WITH me, theres a program for PTSD vets and spouses together. when i asked her, she said no. but if she says yes, then ill give it a shot. thanks for making it sound hopeful. perhaps she is just needing to sort herself out, and im doing the same. i think youre right about that. either way, im hurting so bad, and i need some sort of healing or moving on. not looking for a rebound.
wahine Posted January 18, 2013 Posted January 18, 2013 Yes, a rebound would not be the best thing right now, for you or the other person. Like you said, you just need time to be alone and to heal. I'm glad you were receptive to what I had to say, and you're welcome
Author sotoman Posted January 18, 2013 Author Posted January 18, 2013 one thing, tho. i feel horrible due to her reaction upon telling her about my army friend. im afraid that it might hurt any chances of us working it out in the future. do you think that maybe shes really angry? what kind of things might be going on in her head right now? im curious, but i wont act on it. just looking for a bit more insight, before i give her stuff back and go NC.
Blebly Posted January 18, 2013 Posted January 18, 2013 one thing, tho. i feel horrible due to her reaction upon telling her about my army friend. im afraid that it might hurt any chances of us working it out in the future. do you think that maybe shes really angry? what kind of things might be going on in her head right now? im curious, but i wont act on it. just looking for a bit more insight, before i give her stuff back and go NC. She cares for you still , maybe as a friend only tho , when you've said that army crap to her and showed her how "great" you will be without her , it might have sent the signal it's fine for her to let go of you permanently now , as she kept checking up on you and "helping" you out in her own way (being there as a friend , taking you to lunch etc) There's no "mixed" signals , it's just your inexperience , you had a chance of getting her back and she seemed like a decent girl. Just my 2 cents
Author sotoman Posted January 18, 2013 Author Posted January 18, 2013 thanks for your insight. i guess i completely missed it then, what do you mean i had the chance to get her back?
wahine Posted January 18, 2013 Posted January 18, 2013 one thing, tho. i feel horrible due to her reaction upon telling her about my army friend. im afraid that it might hurt any chances of us working it out in the future. do you think that maybe shes really angry? what kind of things might be going on in her head right now? im curious, but i wont act on it. just looking for a bit more insight, before i give her stuff back and go NC. Even given the new info you've said, I still stand by my original assessment: "From the way it sounds, I think you two may have a future together someday, considering how much you really love her (and assuming she really loves you). But I don't think that either of you are in the right place, mentally and emotionally, to be with each other right now. And the longer you're in the wrong relationship at the wrong time, the less likely it is to succeed in the long run." Even if she begs for you back right now, I'd still say no. It's not the right time. Just give her her stuff back and allow yourself to heal. And I really wish I could tell you what's going on in her head right now, but I can't. Only she could tell you that, and to be honest, I doubt she knows herself right now. Be patient, and stay strong. If she really loves you, she'll find a way at the right time to get back with you. I wish you all the best.
Blebly Posted January 18, 2013 Posted January 18, 2013 thanks for your insight. i guess i completely missed it then, what do you mean i had the chance to get her back? Sorry , meant as in get back together with her
Darren Steez Posted January 19, 2013 Posted January 19, 2013 one thing, tho. i feel horrible due to her reaction upon telling her about my army friend. im afraid that it might hurt any chances of us working it out in the future. do you think that maybe shes really angry? what kind of things might be going on in her head right now? im curious, but i wont act on it. just looking for a bit more insight, before i give her stuff back and go NC. Respect to you bro.. First off, from the conversation she seems to care about you i.e the offering food and asking about your appointment. Two things may have caught her off guard, whilst related or unrelated (that is getting her stuff out before a female friend visits) It looks like you're trying to get her stuff out before a female visits your house. Even if she harbored any thoughts to reconcile this would have seemed like a punch in the guts, because it seems you're moving on whilst putting her out of mind. You do seem to care for her, so just be honest. She's a friend and nothing more. You care about her but need to heal yourself before moving forward. Good luck to you!
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