Author stevie_23 Posted January 21, 2013 Author Posted January 21, 2013 I know. I don’t think he lied to me though, about his feelings and what he hoped for in terms of us, even though I DO think he knew deep down (as I did) that it was a fantasy and could never be real. I don’t blame him for that. I AM angry about the fact he didn’t tell me he was going to move on and had left me. He let me just…hang. Wait. Distressed. That is the only part I’m angry about though. All the rest, I do believe he had good intentions. And I also understand how you feel. It must be VERY frustrating to read me saying this, like I’m clinging onto this tiny shred, but it is how I feel and it’s ok for ME. It wouldn’t be for you, but it is for me, and it DOES help me to find peace with what’s happened and move on and feel ok.
Author stevie_23 Posted January 21, 2013 Author Posted January 21, 2013 Yes, I do have insight. My problem is I don’t generally act on it. I’m also aware of why people are so drawn and refreshed and made “alive” by new relationships, falling in love again, etc. It’s more about how they make you feel than it is about them. They are interested in you, you have a chance to almost be someone else again, the person you lost sight of after many years of being in the same relationship. You feel renewed and more YOU than you ever remember feeling (which is inaccurate). I will say though, that during the past 4 months or so, I have had 2 other people vying for my attention somewhat (also online). One in particular is VERY complimentary and is constantly boosting my self esteem. He is married and isn’t interested in actually embarking on any kind of affair, but even if he was, I am not interested and never have been. Despite his boosts to my self esteem. So it’s not ALL about how the other person makes you feel. You have to have…something. That SOMETHING spark. But yeah, it does fade, for almost everyone.
Lue Posted January 21, 2013 Posted January 21, 2013 I will say though, that during the past 4 months or so, I have had 2 other people vying for my attention somewhat (also online). One in particular is VERY complimentary and is constantly boosting my self esteem. He is married and isn’t interested in actually embarking on any kind of affair, but even if he was, I am not interested and never have been. Despite his boosts to my self esteem. Stevie, I totally understand. And I'm not a therapist. But there's a couple of things that you said that made a flag go up for me. I don't always have to have a boyfriend. I will sometimes go a few years without one and without even a crush. I get absolutely no male attention during that time. But it never fails that immediately following these periods there will be a feast period of men. I'll have 5 or 6 guys talking or dating me during these periods. And what happens is I choose the one that makes me feel the best. The one who makes me laugh abd who i have the best time with. Invariably, I choose the wrong one- the last one turned out to be married. But all of the ones in the past were (to varying degrees) trouble. I'm not sure why this happens- clearly both of us must somehow send out signals that we're available even if we do t know we do it. But unless you treat the root of it- the next guy or girl will be trouble because you are attracted to trouble
whichwayisup Posted January 21, 2013 Posted January 21, 2013 I love my partner. I am not IN love with her, but I’ve kind of assumed this is just how I am in terms of my personality. Fall in love, am happily in love for however many years, then it fades (as normal) and I become bored and dissatisfied. But if I left, well…I’d be leaving every relationship I ever had when my feelings faded, and do I want that? Not really. I will never believe my ex lied to me about his feelings and what we had. I know it wasn’t 100% real because it couldn’t be for various reasons, but I DO believe he loved me, I DO believe he was mostly honest in what he said and felt for me, and I DO know he was good to me during our time. That DOES help me move on because I am not angry at him. If I believed he was fake and lied to me and we had nothing real at all, I’d be so hurt and angry I would have more trouble moving on. Bolded part. Relationships can get stale and boring, it takes continuous effort to keep the passion and flame alive, and also having good communication and listening skills is a plus in a marriage or LTR. So you never met him face to face? All of this took place online, phone calls etc? If this is the case, sure you may know him on some level, but you really don't "know" him. It's so easy to think you know someone online and it's natural that the mind creates a version of who you think that person is. This is why so many online flings don't work out once the two people meet face to face, especially not right away. Not talking about just affairs, but regular dating too. Maybe you need to be alone to figure out what it is you want. It isn't fair to your gf, if you don't love her, let her go so she can find love with someone else.
Author stevie_23 Posted January 21, 2013 Author Posted January 21, 2013 I know about the online thing being one sided until you actually meet. I do know that. I met my real life partner online too, back in 2001. We were online only (no phone calls, no videos, no skype, just emails and online chatting) for 9 months before meeting for the first time. I delayed the meeting for as long as possible because I didn’t want it to end. I believed it would end once we met, because of the reasons most online things don’t work out. But it DID work out. So I have faith that it CAN work out depending on the people involved.
Author stevie_23 Posted January 21, 2013 Author Posted January 21, 2013 Sigh. Honesty? I don’t even know what that is anymore. I’m not still doing online stuff…if you mean I’m being with other people, that is. No. No other people. If you mean writing to my ex’s wife that one time and talking about him here, then yes. I still consider my partner and I “worked out” because it’s been 11.5 years and mostly we’re happy. I of course know I cheated, and would still be if my ex hadn’t chosen to leave. And of course I feel terrible about that. Anyway, when I said we worked out, I meant that after we met, we stayed together and were happy for many, many years. It “worked out” as opposed to most online relationships (meaning when they meet, they dissolve fairly quickly following).
whichwayisup Posted January 21, 2013 Posted January 21, 2013 I know about the online thing being one sided until you actually meet. I do know that. I met my real life partner online too, back in 2001. We were online only (no phone calls, no videos, no skype, just emails and online chatting) for 9 months before meeting for the first time. I delayed the meeting for as long as possible because I didn’t want it to end. I believed it would end once we met, because of the reasons most online things don’t work out. But it DID work out. So I have faith that it CAN work out depending on the people involved. I do believe sometimes it does work out too. But rarely does it in situations like yours. He's married and you're in a relationship. He’s never been completely open and relaxed and himself with anyone but he was with me (as much as he could be anyway). Because he has no obligation to you and it's online. You can't verify ANYTHING he says or hold his feet to the fire. It's so easy for him to say stuff like that, nobody understands me like you, I've never told anyone that before..etc..etc..
Author stevie_23 Posted January 21, 2013 Author Posted January 21, 2013 I do know this. I just chose to believe him and I still do. That’s my choice and it doesn’t make it any harder for me to move on. It makes it easier. And yes, of course I do know what honesty is. I just have always (even as a kid) found it hard to live my life upholding a decent level of honesty.
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