I wrote to my ex-MM's wife

[stevie_23]

Ok. I had read on this forum several OW who had contacted their MM's wife. I had thought I would absolutely NEVER do this. I noticed some of the OW did it once their affair was over, and they felt the need to inform the BW of their husband's cheating. And some other OW did it while the affair was still continuing, I suppose maybe in the hope the BW might leave the MM and the affair could turn into a proper relationship.

 

Anyway, neither of these scenarios would I ever do, but in MY specific scenario, I actually DID write to her. I never thought I would, but I did. And now I feel weird about it.

 

The brief history is...my ex-MM and I were together (online / LDR) since April 2011. He left me in December 2012. During our time together, his wife found out about us a total of FOUR times. Yes. FOUR D-days. The first 2 were non-eventful (for us anyway), the 3rd one was quite bad. She emailed me (which shocked me greatly) to tell me no "fantasy wife" was going to hurt her marriage (they'd only been married a very short time and had literally returned from their honeymoon 2 weeks earlier), that I would never hear from them again and she hoped I would find a husband or wife of my own and be happy one day. Quite nice considering the circumstances, but it left me shaking and distressed of course, since this was the first I'd even known about that 3rd D-day. My ex-MM explained a few hours later in a message he sent me himself.

 

So now a 4th D-day happened in December, and it all got too much for my ex-MM. He had got a new job just 4 days before which was a huge adjustment for him, we'd been having some insecurity issues due to him having less time, our time together had already been drastically reduced due to all those previous D-days, and we could never be in contact when his wife was home anymore, etc, etc. So the 4th D-day was the last straw.

 

So. It has been 6 weeks since he left. Virtually NC since then, and 100% NC for a month now.

 

I thought about each of the other D-days. His wife and him apparently never discussed anything (but who knows if that's true), and she merely stalked him online for a while, watching his every move, and threw away his phones or deleted his email accounts, etc. Took away the tools, so to speak, which obviously didn't work in terms of ending our interactions.

 

I thought about how she must live in constant stress and wonder and worry and paranoia. Never knowing if he's back with me again, even when she thinks (or hopes, in partial or full denial) that he isn't. Never being able to trust him again. Always wondering. Searching for signs.

 

So I wrote to her. I would never have done this if she had never written to me herself 4 months ago, and I would never have done it if she didn't already know beyond ANY doubt about the affair. The first D-day occurred mid 2011, so she's known it's been going on for a long time.

 

I wrote to her through her Facebook. (I have 2 FB accounts, one for my music stuff, and one for my personal normal stuff. I only used the music one which isn't connected to my regular one) I deleted the email she sent to me months ago cause I couldn't stand looking at it in my inbox, so I didn't have her email address anymore. (I am of course not her friend on FB, but know her name so found her easily)

 

I said to her that I was deeply sorry for my and her husband's actions and I can only imagine how it must have hurt her and caused her stress and pain.

 

I said I wanted her to know that her husband had not contacted me for a long time now and was no longer interested in me or that interaction / relationship. I said this was very hard for me as although I assumed he had finally realised it was all a fantasy in his mind, for me it was very real. I then apologised again and wished them all the best for their future together.

 

So...do you think this was wrong of me? I don't know anymore and I feel weird about it now. Should I not have sent it? Did I make things worse for her or for him? I thought that even if she didn't trust my words (and of course, why would she?) at least it'd be SOMETHING. The last D-day, when she wrote to me, I never responded. And we continued the affair. But this time it's obviously different. I have TOLD her we are over because HE ended it. No contact. Maybe she can eventually believe that and not have to be constantly wondering or worrying like she has been since mid 2011 when the first D-day happened.

 

I wonder if it'd make things easier for him...and hopefully for her. Surely if she hears from me that it's over and he's ended it, wouldn't that make her slightly less worried and thus be easier for him too?

 

Again, if she'd never heard of me or knew about me, I'd never have done this. And if she hadn't written to me herself and talked directly to me, I also wouldn't have done it.

 

But...what do you think?

[truthbetold]

I don't think you should necessarily feel "weird" about it. I saw in another thread though and you didn't mention it here though, this "5th" wife of his is his OW from the 4th marriage right?

 

It seriously shouldn't surprise her nor you that he is a serial cheat. He always is going to need someone else in addition to puff him up. It's interesting because before you posted that about him, the way you described her paranoia I did think it was likely because she was his OW and she "knows" how he works in these things.

 

Stevie really think long and hard about his. You seem to missing that the piece of her being his OW is CRITICAL to understanding you wouldn't have changed him and he changes women like flavors.

 

That's NOT a reflection on you, that's on him. It has nothing to do with your worth or desirability, but I again urge you to think long and hard way YOU allowed yourself to get so caught up in this for 2 years. I hope the letter has you on the road to peace and healing.

[stevie_23]

It is very noble of you that you wrote her to say you are sorry.

 

But, why did you do it after 4 d-days?

 

Why did you said you are sorry after going NC? Why not after the first d-day?

 

Because I am selfish and although I'm still in love with him, I now know there is no chance for us anymore because he doesn't want it / feels he can't live like that anymore.

 

The other D-days...were different. The first 2 nothing changed much for us. I wanted to continue being with him so of course I didn't write to her. I'd never had any contact with her before and didn't intend to start.

 

Also, after the first D-day, it wasn't a big deal. She only saw some messages he sent me that were not even when we were 100% a couple yet. She was more concerned that he was sharing deeply emotional feelings with me instead of her.

 

After each D-day, I continued to be with him. So if I were to write to her then? It would've been a lie. Hypocritical. I was sorry for her situation, but I felt I was not responsible for HIS feelings towards her. And again, yes, I was selfish. I wanted to be with him. More than I felt bad for her.

 

So THIS time since it really is over (and yes, at his choice, not mine), I have written to her to apologise, but more so, to let her know he hasn't talked to me since the 4th D-day. Every other time he has come back, and she has realised this after a while. So I guess she may have been worried still it'd happen again eventually. So now she knows it won't. That was my main purpose in writing to her.

[stevie_23]

I don't think you should necessarily feel "weird" about it. I saw in another thread though and you didn't mention it here though, this "5th" wife of his is his OW from the 4th marriage right?

 

It seriously shouldn't surprise her nor you that he is a serial cheat. He always is going to need someone else in addition to puff him up. It's interesting because before you posted that about him, the way you described her paranoia I did think it was likely because she was his OW and she "knows" how he works in these things.

 

Stevie really think long and hard about his. You seem to missing that the piece of her being his OW is CRITICAL to understanding you wouldn't have changed him and he changes women like flavors.

 

That's NOT a reflection on you, that's on him. It has nothing to do with your worth or desirability, but I again urge you to think long and hard way YOU allowed yourself to get so caught up in this for 2 years. I hope the letter has you on the road to peace and healing.

 

Thank you. I do know his actions and feelings aren't a reflection on me. I have realised that now finally.

 

And yes, his wife was indeed the OW to his 4th marriage. I don't know what he told her. He told ME he had never been in love with his current wife, but I suspect otherwise. He "forgets", you know? All he could feel was how different it was with me as compared to her. But anyway, when THEY first got together he probably told her he'd never loved his 4th wife (and that's actually true I think, from what he's told me), and so maybe she didn't feel she was exactly breaking up their marriage since it wasn't "real" to begin with.

 

Maybe that's why she was always an online "stalker"...not because he cheated before on her (before me I mean), but because she was always somewhat insecure about the fact she was the OW and so that was always a possibility in her mind of how he could be again. (though as I said, she stalks her kids online too)

 

My best friend and I, when we were together in a relationship for 4 years way back when, we were "open" for the last 6 months of our time together. I had no interest in anyone else, but she was with various other people, one of which actually ended up being with her for 7 years and they were engaged. This other woman (we were all gay at this point) had the BIGGEST issue with trust for about 2 years because of how they started. Even though I wouldn't say my best friend cheated on me, they weren't honest about how serious they were at first and felt bad about it. The woman was constantly worried my best friend would get back together with me behind her back, and no amount of reassurance would help. She was also convinced for a while that my best friend would be with someone else behind her back, because that's how they started. But it never happened. Because my friend was actually HAPPY.

[stevie_23]

I think everyone deserves the truth, no matter where or who it comes from, but don't be surprised if you aren't received warmly and she believes you. Now.......it's time to let it go, NC with either one of them.

 

Hopefully you've realized how you've dodged a bullet, and hopefully she will lose the excess baggage she has in him.

 

He shouldn't be with any woman, he is nothing but a con man.

 

Now what about you, what about your relationship?

 

I don't see him as a con man. I see him as a guy who gets swept up in his emotions and follows them regardless of the potential for hurt and desctruction. Then he leaves suddenly and moves on. It's all about feelings, for him.

 

Anyway, what about my relationship? It's a standard, typical long term relationship. 11.5 years with my loving partner, but we haven't been "intimate" for about 9 of those years. No interest there (on my part. She had interest but it was forced to dwindle when I would always avoid). Less general affection than there was too. I'm not in love with her anymore and haven't been since maybe 2007. I took about 1-2 years to even admit this to myself. I do love her deeply though.

[justwhoiam]

One month of NC is nothing. He might be back after 4 or 6 months. Who knows. But at that point you should keep your word. You told her you don't talk to him anymore.

[stevie_23]

Come on stevie, quit calling his WIFE a stalker.........geez. It insults me and I'm not his wife. Of course she was going to try to find out the truth, what was really going on. Damn right.........I'd snoop too, wouldn't you? And really think about how hypocritical you are being calling her a stalker, when you used HIS facebook to check out the family and he taped things in his home and gave to you. Most would consider that quite creepy.

 

I get it, I get it. I only use "stalker" in a sort of funny way. Obviously she's not a stalker. SHE called HERSELF a stalker, which is why he did and why I do. She "stalks" her kids, her sister, him....it wasn't JUST him.

[stevie_23]

OP

 

Why are you in love with a serial cheater? He odes not sound like a good guy.

 

Because until he left me, he didn't give me a reason to fall OUT of love with him. He treated me wonderfully, amazingly...we wanted to get married eventually. Really be together. I understood and made concessions for his past cheating track record.

[stevie_23]

I don't think my own morals are that good either...and I don't know if I have any self respect or boundaries...I guess I don't. Or self esteem either.

 

Don't forget that I have a real life partner too. 11.5 years together. She has never hurt me. Would never betray or lie to me like I have been to her for almost 2 years.

 

Apparently his current wife knows nothing of his past. They never discussed it (is what he told me. Who knows how true that is though, of course).

 

I think I just thought because he STARTED his previous relationships and stayed with them for several years BEFORE growing unhappy and then cheating...(kind of like what I've done in my current relationship), that maybe he wasn't all bad, you know?

 

What is the difference between me and him? I mean, obviously I haven't been married 5 times and cheated on 3 of them, but...still.

[stevie_23]

Your man picker is very bad.

 

And I know why.

 

There is a reason why you fell for a cheater.

 

I don't have a lot of time now, but I will be back in a bit. You said the magic words and I undersand where you are coming from. But, in the end you are chasing your tail.

 

I will write more later. I think you and MOM suffer from the same ailment, but with different symptoms and signs.

 

This is very interesting and I really want to hear what you have to say.

 

Did I fall for a cheater because neither of us are 100% available to anyone? In a proper real committed relationship? It was "safe" in that weird way?

 

Did I fall for such a guy because I have never BEEN with a man before in any way in my life, assuming I was gay for the last 14 years?

[stevie_23]

Baggage reclaim?

 

I knew I was unhappy before I even got together with my ex. This is why I was able to even develop feelings in the first place. I really did think it was "safe" though because I was gay and he was so far away and so much older and we were both with other people. I NEVER thought I'd end up...here.

[Lillyfree]

Baggage reclaim?

 

I knew I was unhappy before I even got together with my ex. This is why I was able to even develop feelings in the first place. I really did think it was "safe" though because I was gay and he was so far away and so much older and we were both with other people. I NEVER thought I'd end up...here.

 

yeah. i thought it was safe too - both in R, away from each other... then, bam! his tongue was down my throat

and here i am ...

 

you writing an email to his wife is more for yourself than her. you won't really know her reaction - however it closes the door behind you.

[stevie_23]

Yes, definitely does.

 

I had a look at that Baggage Reclaim site. Very wise words there. I must re-read some of it again.

[neveragain34]

Still trying to understand all of this. It sounds like way too much time, effort, and drama for a man you have never even met. How could he treat you so amazing if you never spent real time together? You were a fantasy to him and I doubt he ever had plans on marrying you or he would have found a way to visit you at some point or send you to his hometown regardless of finances. Where there's a will, there's a way. Why would you want a poor old loser anyway Stevie?

 

Leave the wife alone and move on to someone else. It sounds like you need to leave your partner as well and work on finding happiness within yourself. Nine years of no intimacy??? She deserves better.

[stevie_23]

I know. I definitely hear you. Nobody is responsible for my feelings or my happiness apart from ME.

 

I would never really have pegged him as a philanderer though. He didn't "charm" me as such...

 

I have to think about this some more before I comment further. I DO agree strongly though that I do need attention and validation.

[neveragain34]

Still trying to understand all of this. It sounds like way too much time, effort, and drama for a man you have never even met. How could he treat you so amazing if you never spent real time together? You were a fantasy to him and I doubt he ever had plans on marrying you or he would have found a way to visit you at some point or send you to his hometown regardless of finances. Where there's a will, there's a way. Why would you want a poor old loser anyway Stevie?

 

Leave the wife alone and move on to someone else. It sounds like you need to leave your partner as well and work on finding happiness within yourself. Nine years of no intimacy??? She deserves better.

 

Oops...I meant move on! Not move on to someone else. But that works too! Lol

[stevie_23]

Also, it wasn't just like, compliments, feeling desired, etc. He was there for me (as much as he could be, only being online) when I went through some very hard times. I put him through a lot of stress. And he didn't leave then. If he wasn't in it properly or deeply at that stage, he would've left then.

 

So...yeah.

[stevie_23]

Oops...I meant move on! Not move on to someone else. But that works too! Lol

 

LOL, I know.

[stevie_23]

A good MOM can smell a woman like you a mile away.

 

I agree with this too. I was fairly obvious. We met on a songwriting forum and we both make music, etc, and I was in the early phase of posting my new songs on that forum almost everyday, for feedback, comments, suggestions, ego-stroking, and so on. Apparently (he told me later) he had done this too when he first discovered the forums and had been a "song post whore" too.

 

So yeah. He would've seen I needed that sort of attention, admiration, etc.

 

Before we got to know each other MUCH better, we'd been casual friends in terms of the public area of that forum and I always assumed, just from his posts and his demeanor, that was very stable, supportive, encouraging, etc. Above all, stable. It surprised me that it turned out he was really NOT.

[stevie_23]

These MOMs fall in love too. But, they fall in love in compartments. Within the affair compartment they are in love. But, that love only works in the affair compartment. For the women there is no compartment since the affair is al they have.

 

Yes, THIS is very true.

 

I know he was in love. He got swept up in it. But yes, it was compartmentalised.

 

I learnt this the first time when he left for a month (it's mentioned in various other posts I've done around here) last June. It was so odd and a shock to me how he could be SO warm and loving to me when WITH me, but when NOT with me, he was like...just...cold.

[whichwayisup]

I don't see him as a con man. I see him as a guy who gets swept up in his emotions and follows them regardless of the potential for hurt and desctruction. Then he leaves suddenly and moves on. It's all about feelings, for him.

Anyway, what about my relationship? It's a standard, typical long term relationship. 11.5 years with my loving partner, but we haven't been "intimate" for about 9 of those years. No interest there (on my part. She had interest but it was forced to dwindle when I would always avoid). Less general affection than there was too. I'm not in love with her anymore and haven't been since maybe 2007. I took about 1-2 years to even admit this to myself. I do love her deeply though.

 

Bolded part. then guy should never get married again. He isn't husband nor long term relationship material. He gets bored and moves on to cheat and find someone else.

[whichwayisup]

And yes, his wife was indeed the OW to his 4th marriage.

 

BIG RED FLAG. How soon did you know he's been married so many times and had affairs? From the beginning?

 

Anyway, you apologized to his wife, owned your part.. If she replies, great, if not, let it go and don't contact her again. in fact, block her on fb and him too this way you're not tempted to snoop on her page or his.

[stevie_23]

BIG RED FLAG. How soon did you know he's been married so many times and had affairs? From the beginning?

 

Anyway, you apologized to his wife, owned your part.. If she replies, great, if not, let it go and don't contact her again. in fact, block her on fb and him too this way you're not tempted to snoop on her page or his.

 

Yes, he told me very early on about his relationship history. We always had the “thing” that we felt 100% open with each other. We weren’t even fully together yet when he told me his history. He’s never been completely open and relaxed and himself with anyone but he was with me (as much as he could be anyway).

 

And his wife hasn't replied yet. I don't expect, nor want, her to. I definitely won't be contacting her again. I have no need to block either of them on FB as the account I used to message her is not my main account, and also I was never on his FB since I couldn't be (since she knew about me for ages).

[stevie_23]

I saw this on my fb wall from baggage reclaim. "There is no such thing as a honest cheat".

 

It applies stevie.........it does for anyone believing that "he won't lie to me."

 

Great article here.

 

I think I thought because he hadn’t been happy in his former relationships / marriages, kind of let himself fall into some of them and then eventually became more unhappy (unhappy enough to cheat), and he WAS happy with me…I thought I was, and we were, different, you know?

 

I DID assume one day, when he got unhappy and bored with me too (well, that sounds rude. I don’t mean bored, I mean when he would fall out of love with me), he’d end up hiding things and possibly cheating on me too.

 

I believe someone can cheat once and then never do it again, if the reasons were specific and didn’t repeat. But…yeah, that’s not his situation obviously.

 

I’m always a big believer in understanding the reasons why people behave the way they do. And I understood why he did what he did in all his relationships…and I do believe he was as open with me as he was able to be (not in terms of his situation with his wife, but in terms of his personality. He is like me. Not open with people. Finds it easy to lie. Not maliciously, but just…it’s easier and more convenient.)

[stevie_23]

I love my partner. I am not IN love with her, but I’ve kind of assumed this is just how I am in terms of my personality. Fall in love, am happily in love for however many years, then it fades (as normal) and I become bored and dissatisfied. But if I left, well…I’d be leaving every relationship I ever had when my feelings faded, and do I want that? Not really.

 

I will never believe my ex lied to me about his feelings and what we had. I know it wasn’t 100% real because it couldn’t be for various reasons, but I DO believe he loved me, I DO believe he was mostly honest in what he said and felt for me, and I DO know he was good to me during our time. That DOES help me move on because I am not angry at him. If I believed he was fake and lied to me and we had nothing real at all, I’d be so hurt and angry I would have more trouble moving on.