CantgetoveritNY Posted January 18, 2013 Posted January 18, 2013 I have to preface this by saying that she tells me these things now b/c I insist. She is not telling me to hurt me. I draw it out of her and she is reluctant. She tells me this is stupid. That it only brings pain. She told me yesterday that one of the reasons she did this was that the guy showered her with attention, praise, basically lots of external validation. Reading the texts they exchanged I can see that. It makes me angry that that is one of the reasons. Something I should not have been expected to be giving her, she cheated on me to get. Makes me angry. What a terrible stupid reason. She told me a while ago that one of the reasons she did this was that she was so stressed out with her life and she needed a break. She needed something fun in her otherwise horrible life. This made me angry. Not just b/c she is a spoiled wife with the life most women could only dream of having. But also we could have worked on making her life more fun without him. And what about me? So our lives are not perfect and I'm in this thing with her and do I have an affair? And really, an affair,,, something that seriously bad as a "break?" Oh, that made me angry. What a waste. What a terrible stupid reason. What an awful way to get stress relief. So what do I do with this anger? I stuff it inside and it eats away at me. I hide it and pretend that all is well as long as she won't do it again. I'm so weak I make myself sick. I hate myself that I'm still with her. Life sucks. I'm not even looking for comments by posting this. What can you say to some like me anyway. This is pointless. I just wanted to vent.
Ninja'sHusband Posted January 18, 2013 Posted January 18, 2013 I think the problem is WSs are rarely able to admit the A was because of some actual failing on their part. My ex searched and search for reasons when I asked her too...of course it all came to be my fault. Why would she ever admit there was something specific wrong with her that needed fixing? 2
Bryanp Posted January 18, 2013 Posted January 18, 2013 Why do you wish to remain with her. If the roles were reversed would she be forgiving and accepting as you have been?
Spark1111 Posted January 18, 2013 Posted January 18, 2013 why does she, does anyone, need a break from being an adult with adult responsibilities? did you ask her why she NEVER expressed that to you? That you would have been more than willing to shower her with attention and affection and scrimped and saved for weekends away so you could both, together, have escaped your reality of adult responsibilities? I do that all the time, express those needs. He said we couldn't afford it, or whAt did I expect of him as he was working so hard to provide for us. he never expressed his needs. he cheated. I did not. 2
Confused48 Posted January 18, 2013 Posted January 18, 2013 I think the problem is WSs are rarely able to admit the A was because of some actual failing on their part. Why would she ever admit there was something specific wrong with her that needed fixing? My WW does say it was her fault. But then never looks to see what that fault is and try to change that. Just more or less a superficial recognition that it is her fault. Then back to but you did xy and z.
Author CantgetoveritNY Posted January 18, 2013 Author Posted January 18, 2013 Why do you wish to remain with her. If the roles were reversed would she be forgiving and accepting as you have been? At this time I do not wish to remain with her. I want to be strong and independent like she is. I am not. So it bears repeating.... I am so weak I make myself sick. I hate myself that I am still with her. See above.
OpenBook Posted January 18, 2013 Posted January 18, 2013 You've got to do something with that anger, you can't just keep it bottled up inside like that. It will take a serious toll on your mental and physical health. Have you considered IC? Or at least somebody IRL to talk to - a trusted friend or family member? You've got to let it out somehow. And I don't think you're weak at all. It takes a staggering amount of strength to hang in there with a loved one who has hurt you so badly. 3
ComingInHot Posted January 18, 2013 Posted January 18, 2013 cantgetoverit; One of the most Enlightening things I learned from MC w/fWH was this; Wives Expect their husbands to "know" what they want/need. Of course, I thought. Why wouldn't he know? We have been married what 12 years (at the time). How could he Not know! So the "man" counselor said... "because we are Not women. Guys are somewhat simple when it comes to certain thing like women and you Have to Make it real simple, use small words and tell us men point blank, I NEED ______. Or I WANT _______. If the husband doesn't get it after that it's because he doesn't want to.... Moral to my monolog(sp?) When I heard that (even though I was BS) I was floored and to this day I follow that advice. Problem maybe w/your wife is she did the "girl" thing dropping hints to you, playing the "game" that most women are pretty good at getting zero response from you cause you Totally missed it (not your fault by the way, I don't think). Granted I could be way off here w/the above but what about this... have you forgiven her for the A and if so how many times so far? 2
Author CantgetoveritNY Posted January 18, 2013 Author Posted January 18, 2013 why does she, does anyone, need a break from being an adult with adult responsibilities? did you ask her why she NEVER expressed that to you? That you would have been more than willing to shower her with attention and affection and scrimped and saved for weekends away so you could both, together, have escaped your reality of adult responsibilities? I do that all the time, express those needs. He said we couldn't afford it, or whAt did I expect of him as he was working so hard to provide for us. he never expressed his needs. he cheated. I did not. Oh yes she expressed that she was unhappy. Wanted a bigger house. Wanted more vacations. Wanted more and better better furniture. She has not worked a day in her life since she was 25. I earn enough money to be in ranked in the top 2% and I give it all to her. It's is not enough. There is no way to satisfy the needs she has. It's like a heroin addict. Never enough. So what if she expressed her irrational impossible needs? The answer I gave was to find something to do besides going to the salon or shopping. She is smart and educated. I said volunteer. Or find a career. I paid for many attempts at more education. More career choices. Nothing worked out. And so her life is in the crapper she thinks having an affair would help? Her life may have been and may still be an empty waste of talent and possibilities but it is not my fault. I want to say to her, Go waste your fing life but don't drag me down with you. 1
Author CantgetoveritNY Posted January 18, 2013 Author Posted January 18, 2013 You've got to do something with that anger, you can't just keep it bottled up inside like that. It will take a serious toll on your mental and physical health. Have you considered IC? Or at least somebody IRL to talk to - a trusted friend or family member? You've got to let it out somehow. And I don't think you're weak at all. It takes a staggering amount of strength to hang in there with a loved one who has hurt you so badly. I'm in IC. Two counselors, one hour each per week. What is IRL? In your life? Yes. I talk to three women friends. I can't bear the thought of another man I know, knowing what she did. It is taking a toll. I'm finding it impossible to work. I may lose that fabulous income that she loves. I could care less. Physically,,, I've had a burst appendix this year. Now been diagnosed with a benign tumor. I hope and pray every day that it turns malignant. The docs tell me that my prayers may be answered.
Author CantgetoveritNY Posted January 18, 2013 Author Posted January 18, 2013 Why don't you say that to her?.... She is strong. She feels entitled. She would say f you. I'll drag you down and the horse you rode in on.
Author CantgetoveritNY Posted January 18, 2013 Author Posted January 18, 2013 Problem maybe w/your wife is she did the "girl" thing dropping hints to you, playing the "game" that most women are pretty good at getting zero response from you cause you Totally missed it (not your fault by the way, I don't think). Granted I could be way off here w/the above but what about this... have you forgiven her for the A and if so how many times so far? No, she was not shy about saying what she wanted from me. But me, being in the mere top 2% could not deliver to her satisfaction. Bottomless pit can not be satisfied. Have I forgiven her for the A and how many times? What? I'm waiting for her to want me to forgive her. How many times did she cheat? Once. I really believe that. She's really sorry for herself. She really feels like she did something beneath her own standards. I believe that she has never and would never do it again. But not bc she gives a rats ass about me or my feelings. It is just bc she knows it was a disgusting degenerate thing to do. Her words.
ComingInHot Posted January 18, 2013 Posted January 18, 2013 Cantgetoverit; I am SO sorry. I can see now why you are so pi$$ed. You can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped or Think they need help. You say she's strong. As in that never ending vat of feisty energy that she will pull from to make a D the most painful, costly, drawn out movie of the week, leave you in ruins type of strong? If so, forget her for a moment & tell us Your strengths. 1
Author CantgetoveritNY Posted January 18, 2013 Author Posted January 18, 2013 Cantgetoverit; I am SO sorry. I can see now why you are so pi$$ed. You can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped or Think they need help. You say she's strong. As in that never ending vat of feisty energy that she will pull from to make a D the most painful, costly, drawn out movie of the week, leave you in ruins type of strong? If so, forget her for a moment & tell us Your strengths. Thanks for reminding me. I am strong. I work hard as a dog. I'm loyal as a dog. (See a theme, haha). I can take things like this betrayal and hope she some day asks me to forgive her. If she tries to ruin me, I am strong enough to take it and smart enough to turn it back on her. Thanks CIH. I forgot I'm strong too. Maybe I can sleep now. 3
Bryanp Posted January 18, 2013 Posted January 18, 2013 If I understand this correctly you will allow her to literally and figuratively kill you. I guess you will have to let her kill you since clearly on a planet of over 7 billion people she is the only woman you must live with? Good God man. You were a whole successful person before you met her and you will be a whole successful person after she is gone. If she was to die in a car crash would you then kill yourself? Of course you would not. You would continue to live and search for happiness. What are you afraid of? Have you been so abused that you are afraid of actually being happy in your life? Contact a lawyer and begin your new life. You are only on this planet for a very short time so why are you wasting your time? 1
CALOVELY Posted January 18, 2013 Posted January 18, 2013 I think the problem is WSs are rarely able to admit the A was because of some actual failing on their part. My ex searched and search for reasons when I asked her too...of course it all came to be my fault. Why would she ever admit there was something specific wrong with her that needed fixing? Bingo. Why bother with self reflection when blaming others is so much easier. Every single person who has ever cheated did it because they lacked the ability to own up to their own failings. Read around here, they just "fell" in to it or it just "happened". In other words, not their fault. Cowards to the core. 1
waterwoman Posted January 18, 2013 Posted January 18, 2013 Wow! May I just say that she sounds like a prize bitch? Sorry if that upsets you. What do you like about her? Can you do a list of pros and cons of her and your marriage? Could looking at it coolly and with detachment help you to work out what to do. I can honestly say, looking at my confused and very ordinary WS, that he is a good guy trying to do his best, who f*cked up once and is sorry (even if he doesn't quite get it yet). THere is more pros than cons - hence the decision to work it out. 2
Darren Steez Posted January 18, 2013 Posted January 18, 2013 She is strong. She feels entitled. She would say f you. I'll drag you down and the horse you rode in on. She is strong...yet doesn't work? What exactly was she stressed out about...while she wasn't working? Excuses, excuses, excuses. My friend you are still with her, no punishment, no consequences. While you worked and bust your ass, all she could do was go lie with another man. Any reason for doing that is BS! And you are condoning it, by asking her why she did it, and what did you do wrong. Why haven't you kicked her out? Why haven't you separated yourself from the situation give yourself time to heal? No woman is beautiful enough to trample all over the self esteem like this. Obviously telling you to grow a pair won't help since you confess to such weakness. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. Don't expect anything less 1
Realist3 Posted January 18, 2013 Posted January 18, 2013 She told me a while ago that one of the reasons she did this was that she was so stressed out with her life and she needed a break. She needed something fun in her otherwise horrible life. This made me angry. Not just b/c she is a spoiled wife with the life most women could only dream of having. This sounds so so familar to me because I run in a very similar group of people. High income husbands with wives that are miserable. The men ask themselves what else could she want? She has the great car, home, shopping as she so chooses, housekeeper(s), nanny, etc., etc.. A life one would think would make anyone happy. Your description of not wanting to work or volunteer also rings true. A strong sense of entitlement. But more importantly a strong case of boredom. An affair adds a strong boost of excitement to their regular boring life. And its easy because the husband is spending a lot of time working his ass off to provide this lifestyle. As I found out all of that work also came at a high price.
Author CantgetoveritNY Posted January 18, 2013 Author Posted January 18, 2013 Wow! May I just say that she sounds like a prize bitch? Sorry if that upsets you. What do you like about her? Can you do a list of pros and cons of her and your marriage? Could looking at it coolly and with detachment help you to work out what to do. I can honestly say, looking at my confused and very ordinary WS, that he is a good guy trying to do his best, who f*cked up once and is sorry (even if he doesn't quite get it yet). THere is more pros than cons - hence the decision to work it out. Thinking about the pros and cons of not just her but of the relationship, I don't know. I can see a lot of both. Probably the main reason I'm not able to leave her is my fear of change. And as long as there is hope of reconciliation and no more cheating, I want to try it. I keep remembering the comment of one person here about how terrible it is to sit in your own driveway, watching your xW in your house with her new guy and waiting for your kids to come out. That is just one reason to keep trying but it is one that keeps coming to my mind. I'm almost certain she would not cheat again. Not for me but for her own reasons. If it was just for me, she already be doing it. Now I just hope she eventually wants to do it for me too.
CarboniteCammy Posted January 18, 2013 Posted January 18, 2013 Holy sugar daddy, batman! You know, it's ok to be angry and to own it. All of these really horrible nasty feelings and insecurities that this brought out in you can, with time, be used as fuel for you to reclaim yourself and your life. You're not there yet, and that's ok. The wallowing has its purpose. It's part of the grieving process, and IMHO, cheating is alot like death, because the person you knew (or thought you knew) is effectively dead as you'll never see them the same again. Man, I wish I had met you when I was single! I need a financial backer for my hobbies, projects and volunteerism! ;-) Teasing! But, when you are coherant mentally, you can better make the choice to stay or go. Whatever you do, I hope you post until you feel like you can grab life by the balls and move forward. Ymlean a ni! Onward and forward!
Author CantgetoveritNY Posted January 18, 2013 Author Posted January 18, 2013 I am sorry man but I will tell you her real reasons... she cheated because she can.. she knows you, she knows she can do what she wants and have you still totally under her control... she has loosed her respect for you, she doesn't feel she has to pay a high price for cheating so she did and if you don't put any remedy to it she will do it again... Cheating has gone far to cheap for her so far! I'm sure you are right about her state of mind when cheating. And about no respect for me, that is probably true even now. But she paid a high price for this. I didn't kick her to the curb but she has no privacy. I monitor everything. I did start divorce proceedings and if nothing changes we will be divorced. She has lost power over me. Not completely, obviously, but somewhat. I'm not assuming that we can reconcile so that changes what I'm willing to buy. And it changes my behavior. I'm far less willing to put my needs second. And that is just consequences from me. Which is minor compared to what she is feeling from herself. And that gives me hope she will become a better person. She is very hard on herself for what she did. I could go into detail but that would take a lot of space. Just imagine how this would affect someone that always played by the rules her whole life, had a sterling reputation, and then did this. So despite the lack of fear of me or respect for me, it is very unlikely she would do it again.
Author CantgetoveritNY Posted January 18, 2013 Author Posted January 18, 2013 Holy sugar daddy, batman! You know, it's ok to be angry and to own it. All of these really horrible nasty feelings and insecurities that this brought out in you can, with time, be used as fuel for you to reclaim yourself and your life. You're not there yet, and that's ok. The wallowing has its purpose. It's part of the grieving process, and IMHO, cheating is alot like death, because the person you knew (or thought you knew) is effectively dead as you'll never see them the same again. Man, I wish I had met you when I was single! I need a financial backer for my hobbies, projects and volunteerism! ;-) Teasing! But, when you are coherant mentally, you can better make the choice to stay or go. Whatever you do, I hope you post until you feel like you can grab life by the balls and move forward. Ymlean a ni! Onward and forward! This was great to read. To hear that wallowing is ok. I'm probably overdoing that And the anger is new to me. I've suppressed it I'm sure. Except for the occasional burst of uncontrollable rage. I do see a more normal level of anger as being helpful. To allow me to feel better about the option of leaving. Which I know I may have to do. And help me to grow a set like Darren said.
nofool4u Posted January 18, 2013 Posted January 18, 2013 Oh yes she expressed that she was unhappy. Wanted a bigger house. Wanted more vacations. Wanted more and better better furniture. She has not worked a day in her life since she was 25. WOW, your "wife" sounds like my x-wife. I'd consult an attorney and make sure that just because she is too lazy to work if that would be reason enough you'd have to pay alimony. For the most part, not everywhere, and it depends on just how rich the guy is, alimony is pretty much a thing of the past, but there are exceptions. So if you find out from an attorney and he/she says you won't be having to pay any, then DUMP HER!!!! If you have kids, you'll pay child support, but you pay for them anyway. Or if you can prove her to be a lazy slug, you could get custody. And when she realizes she has to finally go out and get a job, it will hit her like a ton of bricks, like it did my x-wife. She didn't think I'd actually divorce her because she didn't think I wanted the expense. I told her "divorce is expensive because its worth it". At least consult an attorney for an hour and get his/her thoughts.
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