Story update...

[LadyRecovery]

Now I'm venting after posting this on the other thread I started. See bolded part.

 

One heck of a week. The night after the initial talk with MM about his BS’s right to know, at dinner we were seen together by his boss - the one person who could end his career over this A. We left and he panicked as expected. At the end of the night, he calmed down and accepted that whatever happens will happen. He was not going to lie if asked the truth. The next day nothing happened. MM said his boss obviously knew but chose not to bring it up.

 

A few days later, I brought up his telling his BS again. I also told him that if he didn’t want to, that I could do it. He became angry and said it was not my place to tell her, only his. MM said that if I wanted to tell her that we could just end things now. I said alright, and wished him well – I meant it and want him to be happy. I was leaving and he apologized and the conversation started again about his confusion, blah, blah. This weekend he was supposed to go home and I hoped he would tell his BS then. Next day a death in the family and he flew out of the country for the week. Sigh

 

So, I’m starting to write the letter to send to his BS. My instincts tell me that he will end this A and reconcile from a distance with her. It will hurt, but at least I’ll know and can move on with my life. I can’t imagine someone 15 years older ending a M that’s lasted over 30 years. Then the other side of me chimes in and says how comfortable this is for now and knowing he’s leaving in 6 months gives me a date this will most likely end. (Assuming he’s not offered a position here.) Lots of if’s and speculation. trying to keep it realistic.

 

I asked him not to communicate while he’s out of the country. I wanted to see what NC feels like. Frankly, it really sucks. I didn’t expect that and hoped it would be liberating. I really wish I knew he was M when we met, and then I wouldn’t be going through this. Anyway, I read OW9’s letter and perhaps after I write mine I should post it here for help. My sitch is a little different since the A is ongoing.

 

He couldn't do this one simple thing. I just got an I miss you email from abroad. :mad:

[Lillyfree]

This weekend he was supposed to go home and I hoped he would tell his BS then. Next day a death in the family and he flew out of the country for the week.

 

 

 

sorry, but i think he's lying to you. the email wasn't from abroad...

[LadyRecovery]

sorry, but i think he's lying to you. the email wasn't from abroad...

Unfortunately it was. I booked his flight and took him to the airport. Picking him up in a few days. I was there when he got the call about the family member's death. Could someone actually fake all that? If so, please tell me...

[Lillyfree]

Unfortunately it was. I booked his flight and took him to the airport. Picking him up in a few days. I was there when he got the call about the family member's death. Could someone actually fake all that? If so, please tell me...

 

apologies, the cynic in me saw those two sentences and thought 'isn't that just convenient'.

 

but considering you were there when he left... yeah, could be a bit too elaborate

[Lillyfree]

apart from that, if he got angry and threatened to end it with you there and then... i would say he's got no intention of saying anything to his wife, and he's scared sh*tless that you will.

 

since your A has an expiry date anyway, what is the reason for wanting to tell his BS? are you hoping he'll stay with you?

[LadyRecovery]

Don't apologize, anyone would think that! I should have explained more. Since his BS lives in another state, I pretty much know everything that goes on in his life here. By sending that email, I feel like carrot, stick.... keep her hanging on so MM can have his cake. I'm being cynical tonight also. Getting that email really irritated me. Not sure why, just did.

[LadyRecovery]

apart from that, if he got angry and threatened to end it with you there and then... i would say he's got no intention of saying anything to his wife, and he's scared sh*tless that you will.

 

since your A has an expiry date anyway, what is the reason for wanting to tell his BS? are you hoping he'll stay with you?

He keeps telling me that he doesn't know what will happen in the future, etc. His future really is up in the air. Job could be here, another state, or back in his hometown. Reason for wanting to tell her is basically she has a right to know that her H says he loves someone else and she should have the right to make choices in her own life. I honestly think he'll leave me when having to make a choice. Who knows. I didn't know he was M when this started or I wouldn't be in this position. Of course part of me hopes he'll stay, but that's not very realistic. I also don't know if I could live knowing that I may have broken up a 30+ yr M. After finding out he was M, he made it sound like this was an exit A. I don't believe that either, at least not now. I did at first.

[LadyRecovery]

This was the thread when I was trying to figure out the right thing to do wrt his BS http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/other-man-woman/365417-should-ow-om-tell-bs-about-do-you-want-know

[Lillyfree]

no one knows what's in their heads. but reading many, many other stories on LS - i think he's treating you like a mushroom. and i know how hard it is to see everything clearly when you're in an affair...

 

i'm sorry... it's up to you whether you want to tell his wife or not. i wouldn't - i would just tell him where to shove his 'miss you' and cut all contact with him.

 

he could be telling you his job placement is temporary so that he can finish the A with you easily. so that you don't plan a future with him and get your hopes up.

 

everything i've read about your MM tells me that he's happy to have an affair while working away, and doesn't want the OW going crazy and disrupting his happy little world back home.

[ComingInHot]

NC works so much better when the other person respects you enough to honor the request. Each "reach out" feels like a knife to the heart probably. I'm sorry that you're hurting.

Maybe don't think of it as NC which around these parts is the biggest of deals. Think of it as a teensy little break allowing you time to chill w/others and get some down time knowing that in a few, you can reach out... then when a few days come up go for another day or so with the same line of thinking.

 

I was just trying to come up w/looking at him being away in a little less "pressured" sense that NC tends to have...

 

Hang in there. Your heart isn't broken beyond repair, just chipped here & there. It needs to be wrapped in a pretty silk ribbon maybe in the form of a shopping spree or something dangly & sparkly*

[spice4life]

Unfortunately it was. I booked his flight and took him to the airport. Picking him up in a few days. I was there when he got the call about the family member's death. Could someone actually fake all that? If so, please tell me...

 

Actually yes. I read an article about a business that does just that. They are paid to build a bullet proof alibi and it involves going as far as faking family deaths and making it all look real. He could have cancelled the flight after you made it and pretended to go by letting you drop him at the airport.

 

I agree with the previous poster and think he played you. It's an awful thing to think, but I think it s a very real possibility.

[LadyRecovery]

he could be telling you his job placement is temporary so that he can finish the A with you easily. so that you don't plan a future with him and get your hopes up.

 

everything i've read about your MM tells me that he's happy to have an affair while working away, and doesn't want the OW going crazy and disrupting his happy little world back home.

 

As for the job, it's a 1 yr fellowship. I'm friends w people he works with so there isn't any secret about that. It really will end.

 

I agree, his life here is so separate from his "real life" that it is easy for him. He's backed off from making promises and statements about our future since the discussion about his BS. I think things got very real for him during the past couple of weeks. I really wish this time with him wasn't so comfortable and loving. Why do I feel so connected to this man? I was dating a couple of available wonderful men and chose the one who was M? What's wrong with that picture. Any of them could have been lying about their marital status and I pick the one who really did?

[LadyRecovery]

NC works so much better when the other person respects you enough to honor the request. Each "reach out" feels like a knife to the heart probably. I'm sorry that you're hurting.

Maybe don't think of it as NC which around these parts is the biggest of deals. Think of it as a teensy little break allowing you time to chill w/others and get some down time knowing that in a few, you can reach out... then when a few days come up go for another day or so with the same line of thinking.

 

I was just trying to come up w/looking at him being away in a little less "pressured" sense that NC tends to have...

 

Hang in there. Your heart isn't broken beyond repair, just chipped here & there. It needs to be wrapped in a pretty silk ribbon maybe in the form of a shopping spree or something dangly & sparkly*

 

All I wanted was a little down time while he was gone. Time to see what it felt like without him, hoping I would feel better (not the case). I didn't make it out to be a big deal, just that I needed a little break. I'm probably blowing this out of proportion, just wasn't prepared for him to email. I have to pick him up from the airport in a couple of days.

 

My heart certainly isn't broken yet. I do anticipate that it will be given the progression of events. I think a part of me wants him to behave like a jerk so I would get angry and end this craziness. It's just all so darn comfortable right now.

 

You are right, a little shopping therapy this weekend is a great idea!

[LadyRecovery]

Actually yes. I read an article about a business that does just that. They are paid to build a bullet proof alibi and it involves going as far as faking family deaths and making it all look real. He could have cancelled the flight after you made it and pretended to go by letting you drop him at the airport.

 

I agree with the previous poster and think he played you. It's an awful thing to think, but I think it s a very real possibility.

 

I'll have to find that article. Seems silly that he would go to all that trouble when he usually goes home twice a month. He knows that if he went on vacation with his BS that I wouldn't say a word about it. I don't tell him what to do or ask for anything. Who knows...

[LadyRecovery]

You're not mad, you're flattered he reached out to you.

 

I'll have to take a look at that. My initial reaction was anger due to the lack of respect from my pov.

 

What you fail to see is that he is now forced to say and do whatever it takes to make sure you keep your mouth shut.

 

I never said that I would tell her, just that he should. If he didn't want to that I was willing to do it. He doesn't know that I'm writing the letter. Wanted to give him the opportunity to do the right thing first w no pressure.

 

That includes "I miss you" emails.

There is no way he's going to stop communication. After you told him his wife needs to know and that you'd tell her for him?

 

As we speak, he is probably already making plans in his head to tell his wife that one of his former patients has a crush on him and she's delusional and dangerous. And that he had to tell you that he loved you, hang out with you, etc. because you threatened to harm their family, threatened to kill yourself and/or start using again.

 

This is going a little too far. I have all the text messages, voice mails, etc that he pursued me. It doesn't matter to me at this point since I'm in the A, but from a BS viewpoint, it may.

 

Don't underestimate a MM who knows his whole world may blow up.

Your MM is freaking out right now.

 

Didn't he know his whole world could blow up when he started this? He could have lost his career, license, in addition to his BS etc. He stood to possibly lose everything if events unfolded a certain way. I seriously mean everything. Perhaps he didn't really believe it at the time. I don't know.

[LadyRecovery]

Sorry but I don't know what a bunny boiler is...

[ComingInHot]

Lady Recovery;

 

I can see how you might be feeling a little lambasted by Alice BUT reading what she is actually saying (however unflowered & gentle) is what I think a fairly good depiction of what Could be going on way across the USA in another little town in a little house w/his Wife's name printed next to his on a cute little mailbox...

 

I know it hurts But I think you may also be getting some little peeks at what is to come (possibly) from Alice's posts being a person who has lived it. I do see realistic things she has written about what MM may be saying/doing however far from reality and truth it .

 

So here's my take to do w/what you please...

 

Even though you Want this break I can feel you don't want the A to be over. You want the A to be over while wishing it would be over because he was finally w/you, for "real". You want to wish him a happy marriage & possible reconciliation but the mere thought simultaneously rips you apart. So when he Did email you it could have made you both upset And relieved to know he is "still here".

 

You need to look at what he said After you said you could tell his Wife if he couldn't. He got REALLY angry. You got upset (cause he convinced you it wasn't your place blah blah). He made you feel Wrong & Bad. Successfully I might add. Threatened to dump yu a$$. Yu got scared. He apologized. Asked for time. You caved drove him to airport...

 

Look at the gammit of emotions he put you through and ask yourself if the conversation was even that long...

 

I believe once you stand up for yourself, he will show his True intentions. Then you can get MAD. Just hold on til you get to the mad part...**

[LadyRecovery]

Lady Recovery;

 

I can see how you might be feeling a little lambasted by Alice BUT reading what she is actually saying (however unflowered & gentle) is what I think a fairly good depiction of what Could be going on way across the USA in another little town in a little house w/his Wife's name printed next to his on a cute little mailbox...

 

Yes, it could be happening

 

I know it hurts But I think you may also be getting some little peeks at what is to come (possibly) from Alice's posts being a person who has lived it. I do see realistic things she has written about what MM may be saying/doing however far from reality and truth it .

 

Strange, but it really doesn't hurt much right now. Perhaps that's denial talking. I almost wish this was happening. Would be much easier for me.

 

So here's my take to do w/what you please...

 

Even though you Want this break I can feel you don't want the A to be over. You want the A to be over while wishing it would be over because he was finally w/you, for "real". You want to wish him a happy marriage & possible reconciliation but the mere thought simultaneously rips you apart. So when he Did email you it could have made you both upset And relieved to know he is "still here".

 

All very true. I am torn both ways.

 

You need to look at what he said After you said you could tell his Wife if he couldn't. He got REALLY angry. You got upset (cause he convinced you it wasn't your place blah blah). He made you feel Wrong & Bad. Successfully I might add. Threatened to dump yu a$$. Yu got scared. He apologized. Asked for time. You caved drove him to airport...

 

Yes, he got angry. I didn't get upset though. I really did say alright, and wished him well. I want him to be happy. I did allow him to make me feel wrong.

 

Look at the gammit of emotions he put you through and ask yourself if the conversation was even that long...

 

Not very long at all. The whole thing was about an hour.

 

I believe once you stand up for yourself, he will show his True intentions. Then you can get MAD. Just hold on til you get to the mad part...**

 

Responses above in bold, thanks so much for your comments and advice.

 

Unfortunately, when I tried to end it twice after finding out he was married, his intentions seemed to be a person in an Exit A. (yes, I had to Google that to see what it was) The more comfortable this R became, the harder it became for him to continue the big promises and pretenses to keep me on the hook. I believe he started to see that real feelings are involved for both of us and this was no longer just a fling as I think he originally intended. JMO that he now finds himself in an A and understands that there are now real consequences and pain in the future no matter what. Someone (realistically me) is going to get hurt. I don't think he's a bad person, just one with serious boundary issues. Didn't think things through when he was lonley, looking for companionship or a ONS. Strange, but I almost feel sorry for him.

 

He tells me he wasn't lonley and didn't intend on falling in love or loving me. The first part I don't believe, the second part I do. Perhaps I should just be the bigger person and set him free and hope that he is the good man I believe him to be.

 

Side note: While I was writing this, he sent a text message asking if I got his email. Sigh...

[LadyRecovery]

You're joking, right?

 

When that thing below the waist takes over that big thing on top of your shoulders, people don't "know" anything.

You are probably right. I forget that men think with something other than their brain sometimes.

[2sunny]

You can move on with your life without causing more harm.

 

Write the letter - but don't send it.

 

Don't communicate with him anymore. He doesn't intend to leave her...that's clear.

 

Arrange for a taxi to get him from the airport!

[2sunny]

And you could take some of your power back by not responding to any of his emails.

 

Stop handing him all your power!

[spice4life]

Didn't he know his whole world could blow up when he started this? He could have lost his career, license, in addition to his BS etc. He stood to possibly lose everything if events unfolded a certain way. I seriously mean everything. Perhaps he didn't really believe it at the time. I don't know.

 

If he stands to lose so much it is very conceivable that he would go to great lengths to protect it as well.

 

If you feel he is so wrong then why did you participate to begin with after you found out he was married? His reaction makes it clear he doesn't want to end his marriage, so why not just do the right thing and just walk away if you feel its so wrong?

 

I don't understand why you are judging him so harshly when you knowingly continued to participate in the affair. It doesn't really make sense. I could understand it if you ended it right away, but you didn't. Quite puzzling.

[jwi71]

Drama drama drama drama

 

In your previous thread I challenged you in regards to telling your MM before telling the BS - it was an unnecessary step whose outcome was predictable. I questioned your motives.

 

You told MM

 

He reacted as I and others predicted.

 

This has NOTHING to do with telling the BS or not. I'm not even sure you want this game to end.

 

It's all General freakin' Hospital. Drama, games, naughty illicit A, cloak and dagger intrigue.

 

And drama.

 

My opinion is you like this. You want it to continue. I think you like the excitement this all brings.

 

That's what your actions say anyway.

[Yellowteacup]

I don't know why you would bother telling the BS anything unless it was some sort of power play.

 

"I'll tell your W everything if you don't stay with me...."

 

I've been the OW and in no way did I want the W involved nor did I want to get between their relationship. I figured it was his business. When it ended, I was sad to lose the friendship, but I knew it had to be.

[Spark1111]

Responses above in bold, thanks so much for your comments and advice.

 

Unfortunately, when I tried to end it twice after finding out he was married, his intentions seemed to be a person in an Exit A. (yes, I had to Google that to see what it was) The more comfortable this R became, the harder it became for him to continue the big promises and pretenses to keep me on the hook. I believe he started to see that real feelings are involved for both of us and this was no longer just a fling as I think he originally intended. JMO that he now finds himself in an A and understands that there are now real consequences and pain in the future no matter what. Someone (realistically me) is going to get hurt. I don't think he's a bad person, just one with serious boundary issues. Didn't think things through when he was lonley, looking for companionship or a ONS. Strange, but I almost feel sorry for him.

 

He tells me he wasn't lonley and didn't intend on falling in love or loving me. The first part I don't believe, the second part I do. Perhaps I should just be the bigger person and set him free and hope that he is the good man I believe him to be.

 

Side note: While I was writing this, he sent a text message asking if I got his email. Sigh...

 

He is grooming you to see if he can continue the affair without you, or he, informing his BS, at least for the length of time he is working in your town.

 

All that talk of the future, you just learned was talk. Now, untill the affair ends by whatever reason, it will never be a good time for him (OMG! NEVER you) to tell his wife.

 

And I really admire that you wanted, maybe still want, to do that.

 

What now?